by Felicia Lynn
I’m walking toward her and her eyes are solely focused on me, knowing that I am headed straight for her. When I am finally standing close enough to touch her, I restrain my hands by sticking them in my pockets. Deciding this is a time for words, and not grabbing her by the hair and hauling her away like my cave-man ways would like. “Hey gorgeous. How are you?” I ask.
Her eyes are searching mine. “Hi Jon. It’s good to see you,” She says pausing and not answering my question. So I stand and wait, hoping she’ll keep talking. “I’ve been great. Just busy… you know how that goes.” She finishes with a shrug. She’s obviously a little uncomfortable and acting shy, which we all know is out of character for this little pixie.
I look down at baby Mason in her arms, and my boys get a bit excited by seeing that tiny bundle wrapped up in her perfect little arms. I temporarily find myself daydreaming about the possibility of her holding my baby. What the hell is wrong with me? I shake that off quickly because… who the hell knows, where that shit came from.
It’s not that I don’t like kids. I do, a lot. But, I’m just not really a hundred percent sure that I’m daddy material. Not to mention, what type of girl would want to take a risk on someone like me with my history?
She notices that Mason has captured my attention. “You want a turn with this little guy, Jon?” She asks with a glimmer in her eye. Hell yeah, I want a turn. I’ll hold this baby all night if it means I can stand here beside her. Not that I don’t think this little dude is amazing. He’s made my best friend’s dreams come true. Garrett never expected his life to be what it is today, and that guy is over the damn moon, happy! I can’t think of anyone who deserves this more.
I gently take him into my arms and lift his little sleeping body up to my shoulder. Damn… this baby smells just like her. Now I really am staying put with this little guy.
Whitney steps away taking the seat on the outdoor sofa next to Alexis. Whitney and Alexis have been best friends since college. They are thick as thieves. Alexis is Garrett’s wife and the love of his life, and Whitney being her best friend was part of the package.
The first night I met her was at our show in Nashville. She stole every ounce of oxygen in the room when she walked through the door with Alexis. Her presence gave me an immediate high. But I held myself together and played it off like she was just like any other girl.
After the show I convinced her to have dinner with me since Garrett and Alexis were going home to put Sierra to bed, and I thought she’d like to see a little of Nashville. We spent the night together doing absolutely nothing, but talking, listening to music, and later sitting on the dock snacking, and watching her consume blue moon beers while I drank my typical flavored seltzer waters. It was one of the best nights I can remember in recent years, and without a doubt the best first date ever.
When she went back home after that weekend, things changed. I didn’t expect it. It’s always been my move to blow chic’s off before things get serious, but I never wanted to do that to her. She left me wanting more and desperate to know more about her, and her life.
I have seen her a few times at family events, but she’s been aloof and has always busied herself with the kids or chores as soon as I attempt to come near her. I don’t really know why. Maybe Alexis warned her off since she knows of my past. But that’s doubtful since Alexis nagged me constantly to call Whitney and talk to her. I was the one to tell Alexis that Whit was always too busy, and I was going to stop asking. I tried, over and over.
Fast forward a little over a year and here we are… at another family BBQ with me attempting anything to get her attention for a minute, and always failing. Maybe it’s for the best. I’m a thirty two year old man with a broken spirit. She deserves so much more. But somehow…I can’t stay away.
Whitney
I’m desperately trying to hold myself together, and not allow this man to break me down. He definitely has the ability, with very little effort to reduce me to a puddle of adolescent mush. I’m here to spend time with my best friend and her family. Get your priorities straight, Whitney. I’m silently berating myself.
I’m watching Jon as he holds Mason, the baby that changed all our lives in just a few short months. I never expected that my best friend who experienced so much heartache and tragedy would ever be as happy as she is today. I look to Alexis who’s engaged in conversation with her new friends, who I happen to love as well. Then, I look at my goddaughter, Sierra, who is hoisted up in Garrett’s arms. I couldn’t be happier for them, all of them. I’m grateful for more people to love this little foursome.
I attempt to make small talk with the group, but it’s highly obvious that I’m distracted by his presence. He’s attempting to read my emotions with his eyes. Good luck with that! I know that game and I have the best poker face there is. So I continue to ignore his questioning eyes.
We’re all back in Tampa for the first time in months and the warm spring day is refreshing. I enjoy these days when we can all hang out by the water, taking pleasure in the warm breeze and awaiting the afternoon sun showers. I’m a Florida girl, heart and soul, and anytime I’m near the water… lake, beach, bay, whatever, it soothes my soul.
I love Garrett and Alexis’ new place here on Lake Keystone. It’s peaceful and provides a great deal more privacy and security than Alexis’ home could have, so I’m glad they’ve moved. Not to mention the memories in the other home cut a little too deep for Alexis. She needed a fresh new start, so here it is.
“Whitney, how was your trip to North Carolina and how was your family?” Courtney, Drew’s wife and Garrett’s drummer asks while sitting with us.
“Phenomenal, I love visiting and seeing everyone. But I’m always so happy to leave after I have my fill of everyone. Especially when they’re all still bundled up in sweatshirts and hats, and we are relaxing in the sunshine by the water in shorts and sundresses,” I reply.
“I’m in the process of planning our girls weekend, Courtney. Are you going to join us this time?” I ask, knowing that Lex is doing the usual ‘not sure I can make it’, ‘I have a family’, ‘I can’t leave my baby’, and ‘what about my hubby and Sierra’ thing that annoys the hell out of me. But she’s going… No question about it. This bitch is getting out of the house. Since I’ve already got her hubs on board to help push her out the door I’m not worried, and will continue to ignore her and proceed with planning.
“We’re going up to Ocala to a horse ranch, do you ride?” I ask Court, completely ignoring Lex, who’s pouting and eyeing the baby already feeling distraught. It’s a couple weeks away and only for 2 days and 1 night. We intentionally shortened the trip knowing she’d never go longer.
Alexis jumps out of her chair at the sound of the slightest whimper from Mason, and gently takes her baby back into her arms looking at him adoringly then to me… “Can he at least come too? He’s little, and sooo good. He won’t get in the way. I can’t possibly leave him yet.” She’s saying with the pout that turns most any person’s world upside down, but since I’ve been her best friend for… like… ever… It doesn’t work.
“No…” I say gently. “He’s staying home with his daddy, sister and grandparents. He cannot ride a horse and he doesn’t drink yet. You can pout all you want but that adorable baby will have more people to dote on him than he will ever need. Relax.” I say with a lovingly stern smile. It’s not that I don’t feel sympathetic, but if I didn’t push her she wouldn’t ever do anything.
Garrett approaches the group with Sierra draped over his shoulder. At almost six years old she still looks so precious sleeping on her daddy’s shoulder. “What’s up guys? And who’s upsetting my beautiful wife?” He asks approaching the group and headed to Lex’s side, but glaring at me right before he takes her face in his available hand, rubbing his thumb across her chin and kissing her faintly on her lips.
“Whitney… care to explain?” He asks, without looking at me. As annoyed as I am with her, I know the overwhelming love that this man has f
or his wife and my best friend, and that makes me smile. But, I still will explain and hope that he can talk some sense into her.
“Your beautiful WIFE… is trying to cancel and/or make it a baby and girls trip on the girl’s ONLY weekend, which I’m unsure why it’s called a weekend if we’re only going for a night.”
I say splashed with large amounts of sarcasm. He’s trying to contain his laugh but is still trying to be supportive of his wife, so I continue.
“Why don’t you tell her all the reasons it’s important for her to step away for a day”?
I finish, knowing it will be a conversation he has later with Alexis. I shake my head, but laugh inside comforted to know she’s so very happy and loved so much.
“I’m going to get a drink and take a little walk down to the water to see the new dock. Anyone want to come?”
I ask completely forgetting that Jon is within earshot and that he will see my question as an invitation for him. Shit… Shit… Shit… Please don’t let him respond. Then I hear it…
“I’ll come with you, Whit. I’d like to see the dock as well.” Jon says excitedly, and hops up beside me ready to lead the way or follow… however this is supposed to happen, I’m unsure. But once by my side he places his hand at the small of my back and gently guides me to the coolers where all the drinks reside.
He scoops out a bottle of water for himself, looking to me a gesturing to the cooler as I respond, “Just a water, please.” He reaches into the ice to select another for me then twists the top loosening it for me, and wrapping a napkin around it to soak up the excess water before placing it in my hand. ‘Thank you” I say simply, but am a little shocked at how thoroughly he prepared my drink.
Then, he again gently guides me in the direction of the dock. Deciding that I like the feel of his hand on the small of my back, I am content to allow it for now. The silence as we walk is a bit uncomfortable, like there are words that need to be spoken so that we can better comprehend where we each stand; but I’m not really ready for that conversation. Hell… It’s a conversation that is at the very least, a year over due, but still… today isn’t the day.
When Jon and I met it was at a time in my life that I didn’t have anything to offer. I didn’t have the time or energy necessary to be the kind of person he needed and deserved. All my time and energy was into being there for my best friend, my family and growing my career. I wasn’t equipped to be a friend with benefits to some rock star. I’m not capable of that type of arrangement, even now.
Once I had some space between us I was able to see the possible consequences of a relationship with him. So when I walked away from him that weekend I made very little effort to grow the friendship, or give an impression that I was interested in anything more. I didn’t want to lead him on, and I still don’t.
“So… how have you been, Jon?” I ask nervously attempting to start some sort of conversation so that this is less awkward. He remains quiet for longer than I expect then softly replies.
“I’m actually good. I feel better than I ever thought I could be.” He tells me.
Jon is so easy to talk to, and I love that he opens up to me and that we can have real conversations but… we need to remain barely friends, acquaintances and nothing more! Jon has a treasure of secrets, and so do I so it will take effort to keep it simple, and I’ll probably sound like a major bitch as I try to avoid the deep conversation?
He’s looking at me with his big brown eyes, waiting for a response, waiting for me to open up and have a heart to heart chat like we did the night so many months ago. I wish I could happily sit in his arms and talk about life, and all that we want out of it. That would be lovely, but it’s just not going to happen.
The thing is, I like Jon. I like Jon a lot but… there are many reasons why Jon and I wouldn’t work. I made a list. Like an actual numbered list, as to all the reasons it can’t happen and so now… if we talk about our hopes and dreams… my walls will start to crumble a little, and I’m just incapable of allowing that right now. I’m not strong enough.
“That’s wonderful, Jon. I’m really happy things are going well and you’re dreaming bigger.” I say trying to nonchalantly keep things light. As he nods once, getting the message and removes his hand as we continue walking.
When we reach the dock he tells me half heartedly about the new boat that Garrett ordered, and the boatlift that was installed to support it. It’s small talk, but I’m much more comfortable discussing this than delving too deeply into our lives.
Even while standing at the end of the dock chatting where there is water surrounding me, my favorite scenery in the world, I still can’t stop stealing glances at the guy in front of me. He captivates me. What is happening to me?
Jon is different. I sensed it immediately when I met him, but a relationship with him complicates our friendships, should things not work out. I don’t think we could ever be simply friends either. He’s far too easy to love and I would fall victim. I almost did already after just a few hours. Yeah… It just can’t happen, and I really can’t trust my heart or myself with him.
I’m attempting to convince myself of that again. Not that he would intentionally wreck me, but what does that matter at the end of the day when you’re left broken and empty to pick up the pieces. I’ve witnessed it more times than I can count, and I know first hand the damage heartbreak can do to people. In love, someone always loses, and I can’t be the one to take the fall this time. I’ll never recover from him.
I need to wait for the right timing and the one I can’t live without. The one that makes waking up everyday more exciting, not stressful about the “what if’s”, if he walks away. I just hope I’ll know when I meet that person.
I’m thirty now, and this waiting game is beginning to wear on me as I live vicariously through my best friend, my older brothers and their families. It filled a gap for a while, but it’s now making me a little sad and I feel like I’m missing out on what real life is all about.
I’ve tried to throw myself into work and let my interior design business consume me, and it does bring joy to my life to be successful. It’s just not completing me, and a bigger piece is missing.
Jon’s talking and I barely understand the words he’s saying, because I’m lost in thoughts of what my life should look like at this point. The night Jon and I spent staying up all night, talking and getting to know each other in Nashville was more memorable and meaningful than I could have ever imagined. We have amazing chemistry together. I hate to use the term magnetic, but it’s true. If Jon is in my presence it takes more effort than I have to keep away from him. And I’m convinced that that type of chemistry is the type that you never recover from.
Jon
Part of my recovery was learning the impact that my choices had on others, and understanding that my past choices will in some way affect my future. I know that my future with any woman will be require a great deal of trust, since the relapse rate for drug addicts is high. I’m not sure a girl like Whitney would ever take such a risk. I probably wouldn’t if the roles were reversed.
My family was never really supportive of my musician lifestyle. Being raised in Alabama where the Bible belt is active and alive, musicians were viewed as rebels. My parents never supported my career or professional aspirations. My father would have been more proud if I would have followed in his footsteps, and taken over his local electrical contract company that he worked his life to build. That just wasn’t where my heart was. I was obsessed with music and the guitar. Trade School wasn’t my thing.
When I left home for Nashville 10 years ago, I wasn’t sure I would ever make it to be anything other than a street performer. But I had dreams. Even though my family didn’t support it, I somehow convinced myself that if I could be successful they would come around. That never actually happened. Even once the contract was signed, and I was officially hired in Garrett McKenna’s band, having a son that was lead guitarist for one of the hottest country music artists today wasn’
t a measure of success for them. They wanted me to choose, music or them, and I did. I made the band my family. So when Garrett moved his life to Tampa last year there was no question that I would too. He’s my family, and his new family is mine now, too.
We walk to the end of the dock and I’m trying to make small talk with Whitney. It appears she’s not really listening and is deep in thought. I carry on talking about random things just to keep her here beside me, but what I wouldn’t give to get into that little head of hers. I need to know what happened, so I attempt to stray the conversation and test the waters.
“This brings back memories,” I say walking to the end of the dock and sitting in the adirondack chairs.
Her little eyes pop open, wide and bright. She’s clearly clued into what I’m saying now. “Sunshine, that was an amazing night.” I finish saying hoping she says something, anything in response, but it’s silent for more seconds than I am comfortable with.
Whitney’s fingers immediately go to her necklace and I watch as she nervously fiddles with the silver gem encrusted heart charm on the chain around her neck. Her cheeks turn a bit pink as she turns to me.
“Jon… I’m sorry I know that ignoring your calls and invitations was not the right thing to do. But…”
I hold up my hand immediately to stop her. Her apology isn’t what I wanted.
“Whitney, I don’t ever want you to feel the need to apologize for not feeling something between us. That’s not why I brought it up, sweetheart.”
I say as I squat down beside her chair taking her gorgeous face in my hands.
“It was an amazing night. That’s all I’m saying. I enjoyed very much spending time with you. I’m just sorry that I didn’t provide you with the same sparks that sent me flying high. But, I don’t want things to be weird, you know?”
I’ve thought about her and that night no less than ten thousand times. It consumed me for a while. She consumed me. And now… I realize she still holds that power.