by Felicia Lynn
She shrugs her adorable little shoulders and turns away looking out to the lake. She looks borderline annoyed and I drop my hands and make way back to my seat. I don’t need to do anything else that sends her away. I can obviously do that without trying.
“Jon… That’s the problem… Don’t you see, you idiot! I felt more of a connection than I ever wanted to feel. I thought you were just going to be a fun night out but that didn’t happen… you didn’t try. Which I’m grateful for but… I… no… you... no… we… cannot ever fall for each other. If it doesn’t work out… it’ll all end badly. I can’t and won’t risk all of this, for love. I’m sorry, Jon. But no… please stop trying. We’re simply acquaintances. ”
She says before jumping out of her chair and speed walking her cute feisty self down the dock.
It takes me approximately fifteen seconds to process what she just said, and that she’s actually walking away from me again, only this time after telling me that she feels something between us. What the hell? I’m out of my chair the second I’m able to feel, and jogging down the dock behind her, headed for the house.
“Hey… You!” I call out behind her.
She walks a bit faster, but my legs are a little longer and I pick up the pace until I am directly behind her. I grasp her shoulders stopping her, and without turning her around, I simply whisper into her ear from behind.
“Listen baby, you can’t tell me you felt something and then walk away telling me it can’t happen without a real reason!”
She yanks her body out of my grasp with way more strength than someone her size should have, and looks me in the eye, her face literally glowing with redness. She’s not just mad… she is crazy mad.
“YOU,” she says pointing her little finger roughly into my chest.
Then continues, “listen to me right now. There is not now, nor EVER will be, anything between us. Those people up there you consider family… WELL guess what, buddy… I do too.”
She’s saying as she looks me in the eyes. She means business, no question... but so do I, so I meet her stare directly waiting for her to get to the point.
“And there’s no way this…” she signals between us. “will ever get in the way of that girl, her family and me. Do you understand?”
And that’s when reality hits. She’s not avoiding me because of who I am or who I was. She’s afraid it will get in the way of her and her best friend if it didn’t work out, but how? I’m not spiteful. I would never want things to be bad or hard for her, no matter what. For a year, I’ve convinced myself it was me… and it wasn’t. This brings a smile to my face, because this is something I can fix. I think.
“Okay feisty one… settle down. Let’s talk this out. I think I understand.” I say.
“You think that if we tried things out and it didn’t work that it would somehow interfere or complicate things at family functions, or cause problems for our friends?” I ask, just wanting to clarify.
She nods her head in acceptance. I continue as she lowers her arm removing her finger from my chest, and I feel her anger slowly dissipating.
“And you don’t want to upset our friends, or you don’t want to make it challenging for us?” I ask and immediately see the anger in her eyes again.
“Both, you idiot. Both!” She says before storming off again, only this time I let her walk away.
She’s only headed back to the BBQ and I need a minute to build a game plan, now that I know what I’m working with. I’m grinning from ear to ear on the inside, but attempting to show a contemplative stare to all that could be within eyeshot.
Whitney
“Ugh… I cannot believe him. He doesn’t get it! Pompous ass. I swear.” I’m saying under my breath as I walk back to the house and the group as quickly as possible.
I knew being alone with him something would happen. I make my way back to the pool area and deck and then slap on my happy face in effort to hide my frustrations from my friends.
Kelsey catches my eye. She and her man must have just arrived. Along with a lot more people. The place is crowded now. She squints her eyes reading me. I know, that she knows, something’s bothering me and she immediately waves me over.
I hold up my finger signaling for her to give me one minute. I need a second to pull myself together. If Kelsey can read me that well I know Alexis will be all over it, and I’m not ready to admit to my friends that there are some feelings smoldering between Jon and I.
I dash off to the kitchen to find something with a lot of alcohol in it. I have got to calm my nerves, and the best way to do that at this point is to desensitize them, and alcohol is just the ticket.
I find pitchers of Alexis’ perfect sangria on the kitchen island ready to serve and poor myself a glass that I instantly gulp down. I’m not exactly sure why I am so frazzled, and why I feel the need to run for the hills, but have a hard time even with that. He’s everything my heart wants when he’s in front of me, yet I can’t seem to convince my head that it’s worth the risks. I mean, what if he did break my heart? How would I ever be able to show up at these functions and pretend I’m okay? I wouldn’t be okay.
Damn it, I’m so confused by this man. He totally sends me into a tailspin emotionally. “Ugh…” I sigh as I slump over the counter. Why can’t this be easy?
Why can’t the guy that my heart wants, have no personal connections to my best friends?
I’m envious of Kelsey who never finds herself in this situation. Even when Kelsey had issues with her marriage, when it ended we we’re all able to hate him because he was only attached to us through her. But with Jon, he’s best friends with my best friend’s husband, and to top it off he’s in the damn band. I’m talking myself through all the scenarios of demise when I hear footsteps behind me. Multiple footsteps.
“Um… Whitney, want to explain what in the hell is going on?” Alexis says behind me.
I don’t even need to look up to know she’s standing with her arms crossed over her chest, and she’s annoyed that I’m hiding something.
“Well… I can tell something upset her when she was coming back from the dock with Jon. And Jon came back frazzled, too. I just know something is going on with them.” Kelsey, our friend and the complete sell-out, tattles to Lex.
I pull myself off the counter, completely defeated because I know I am in for a lecture of the century, but before they delve in I stand up tall, and turn to look them both in the eyes.
“You know nothing. I am fine. Jon and I are simply acquaintances and friends of the McKenna family. That is all. That is all it will ever be. We have NO connection. Stop making up silly stories in your head.” I say to the girls, hoping that it puts them back into their place of ‘what they don’t know cannot hurt them.’
Jon walks around the corner unexpectedly, and when our eyes meet, I see pain. I know that the pain I see in his eyes is from hearing me spout out statements that are completely contradictory to what I just admitted to him on the dock. I’m lying about my feelings for him to my best friends, and I know it.
“Oh… Sorry ladies. Didn’t mean to interrupt. Just came to find more chips.” He says taking the back up supply of chips off the counter and then quickly scurrying out of the room.
I’m not really sure what to do at this point. Do I admit to Alexis and Kelsey that it could be more? Or do I continue on with my own fantasies about what we’re not.
Alexis walks toward me and looks me directly in the eyes with her no-nonsense glare.
“Whitney, we’ve been best friends a very long time. And I am queen of the ‘fake it until you make it’ attitude. You can continue to avoid telling me what’s going on. That’s fine. But I will continue to ask and will damn well haunt you until you start supplying me with truthful answers.” She says in a quiet but seriously pissed tone.
“Got it?” She quips.
It wasn’t too long ago that our roles were reversed when she needed the tough love approach. I remember those days and I’m thankful that my firecrac
ker of a best friend is back, but really I’m not ready to deal with her questioning.
“I’m fine... Save the fiction for your books, Lex. I’m all good!” I say pouring myself another big sangria, and putting all my efforts into looking normal and unaffected by today’s events.
“Are we ready to go back to this party?” I ask.
“Whatever, Whitney. You can avoid this conversation for now, but don’t get too accustomed to the space. We’re talking… and soon.”
She says glaring at me then turns to Kelsey.
“This girls weekend trip just got a whole lot more interesting to me!” That’s when the realization hits me.
I’ve completely and utterly screwed myself over as Alexis takes the pitcher of sangria, turns and walks out of the room leaving me with my mouth wide open, and without any words to respond. Shit, I’ve been defeated once again today.
That quite possibly could be one of the most tortured ninety minutes in my adult life. I never expected to be cornered by Jon, or to admit that I feel something. And I certainly didn’t expect Alexis to go all ‘crazy BFF lady’ and demand to know what’s going on. Then to top it off, she stayed close to Garrett’s side all day, and of course, Jon was right there too; so any time I spent with her had to be with Jon as well. I’m convinced she’s doing this intentionally.
Seriously, after an hour and a half I was completely spent emotionally. To the point Garrett began asking why I was so quiet and if I was okay, as his wife stood beside him snickering. That’s when I decided I needed an excuse to make a quick escape.
As I am walking out of the house, I take a deeper breath with each measure of space between Jon and I. I’m not really sure why Alexis allowed me to lie and leave early. When I complained of a headache from being overtired, she smiled and then kissed me on the cheek telling me to go and take care of myself, she’d call tomorrow. I’m one hundred percent sure that she will.
I climb into my car, turn the ignition on, and ‘She will be free’ by Josh Abbott Band fill the speakers. I put my car in gear and make the quick escape while I can.
When I’m finally home I sit down on the couch with my laptop and not instantly as content with the quietness as I usually am, because my thoughts are so loud. What is it about Jon that leaves me unable to relax and let down my guard? Jon is a great guy. He’s not high maintenance and loves our friends as much as I do.
I sit lost in my thoughts and browsing my emails when I hear the ping alerting me to a new message and then I see his name.
From: John Cooper
To: Whitney Patrick
Hey Whit,
It was great seeing you today. I know you said just friends and all. I’m really good with that. We can do the only friends thing and I won’t try anything. But I do enjoy spending time with you. Can we please, AS ONLY FRIENDS, have dinner, see a movie, both, or anything else that might interest you? I look forward to hearing from you.
Your “friend”, Jon
Well, Damn…
Jon
‘Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about.’ - Unknown
There aren’t many people in my life that I can’t put away and out of my mind for a while. I used to think I was the master of boundaries and removing toxic people from my life. However, Whitney is one of the few that no matter how many times I try to get her out of my head she keeps coming back. Although she’s not toxic, the rejection hurts. When every song on the radio reminds me of her, and I keep seeing random reminders of things she’s said or done, my music writing basically turns into me painting pictures of her in my head while I write. I’m unintentionally writing a soundtrack dedicated solely to her and I can’t seem to escape it.
With a girl like Whitney, I never expected to be able to instantly sweep her off her feet. I didn’t expect it to be easy. I somehow convinced myself on the dock that if she cared about me, and the connection was there, I could just show her that I would never want to complicate our friendships, and the lives that we’ve all built with Garrett and Alexis. I just needed to show her.
I went on a search to find her and damn if what I overheard didn’t send me completely off rail. “Acquaintances, no connection, silly stories?” Would she lie to Alexis? Was she lying to me? Or hell… is she lying to herself?
I really don’t have a clue how to proceed without being sure I am going to make a bigger mess of this. But there’s just something about that girl that makes me excited about life and excited about my future.
She said there was a connection on the dock, and that’s all I needed to hear. Even though I overheard her talking to her friends, and telling them all the things she and I are not. I feel confident that she was completely lying. She was lying to her best friends, and I’m convinced she’s lying to her self. So now… I need to convince her of that. Plan number one. She said we’re barely friends, I want to spend some time with her and prove her wrong.
I grab my phone out of my pocket and start typing out a message. Dinner and movies could be a friendly night out, but I’ll take her anywhere she damn well wants, frankly. I hit send and wait. Just like all the times I’ve texted and emailed before and had gotten no response. I hope this time is different, but I’m already considering plans B and C, in case she avoids me again.
When my phone chimes alerting me to a text, I immediately hope that my luck has changed, but then I see its just Dave. I guess I shouldn’t be disappointed. Dave has been a huge part of my life for the past two years. He’s been a rock. He’s my go-to guy when I’m having a bad day. He’s not only my sponsor, but he’s my friend.
Dave: Dude, want to come over and shoot pool tonight?
Me: Nah man, long day. Going to get some shut-eye so I can be on tomorrow for a writing session with the guys.
Dave: You good?
Me: Yep. Just need sleep. Thanks for the invite. Another time?
Dave: Meeting tomorrow. Early. Don’t forget.
Shit... I didn’t forget. I wish I could forget those meetings, but I’m driven by this routine that has made it so much easier to take one day at a time. So I go, every third day. No matter what, and when I can’t walk into the room because we’re on tour or something’s going on, I schedule private check-in sessions.
Then my phone rings, and I check the caller ID hoping and praying that it’s her. What I wouldn’t give for it to be her. But it’s not. It’s Eric.
“Hey, what’s up?” I say as I hit accept on the phone.
He knows I’m not a phone guy, so he wouldn’t call without a reason.
“Hey, you good? You were looking a bit haunted tonight. I haven’t seen you that anxious to get out of somewhere in years.”
He’s right, only he’s got it all wrong. I wanted to be at the party as long as Whit was there. But when she made her quick escape, making up some lame excuse that only Garrett fell for, I was quite ready to make a run for it myself.
“Man, I’m all good it was just one of those days where I was reminded that I hate to be the center of attention. You know what I mean? Thanks for checking in on me though.” I respond laughing lightly.
That’s all true actually and he knows it. Although, at one point in my life I thought I was cut out to be the lead, and I learned fast it was far too much pressure for me. So being Garrett’s lead guitarist never felt like settling. It felt right and I’ve always been content with that part of my life.
“You know it, man.” He says pausing, then quickly adding, “Hey, what’s up with you and Whit?” nonchalantly; but that fucker knows exactly what he’s doing. If he thinks I’m going to spill my soul to him about my feelings, he’s got another thing coming. No Way.
“Eric, don’t start stirring the pot, man. I’m warning you. Nothing’s going on. We’re all friends and you know it.” He obviously knows I mean business because after a few quiet seconds, he completely changes the subject.
“I was just calling to make sure you’d be there in the morning for the writing session. We’re goi
ng to need your help laying down the chords and I have some ideas.” Eric says and I can hear the excitement in his voice. We’re all like kids in a candy store when it comes to writing sessions. That the one thing we all have in common.
“Yeah man. I’ll be ready to roll bright and early. I can be there right after my meeting with Dave. We’re still meeting at McKenna’s studio.” I tell him before we say our manly, ‘great, see ya’s’.
I’ll be up early anyway. I never really sleep anymore. Ever since I found sobriety, sleep just doesn’t come easy to me, I’m not sure it ever did. But regardless, I have my standard early morning meeting with Dave anyway.
Dave took the hard road in life. But looking at him now, you’d never know that. To hear him verbalize of what’s gone down in his life, you’d automatically think he was talking about someone else. How can the person he speaks of, that fell so far, come out a victor? But I’ve witnessed it with my own eyes.
He’s a guy that everyone strives to be like when you’re in our situation. It’s one thing to have a history, but to be able to take a history like that and turn it into a way to teach others, and help guide them in making things right in their lives is a selfless act. That’s why I wanted him to be my sponsor. I needed a guy like him in my life. He’s a role model, plain and simple.
With a coffee in hand I walk into the center where we’re meeting today. Our group is a closed group. We all meet regularly and know a lot about each other. I see Dave standing and speaking with my friend, Kelly. She’s been around this group for a while.
She and I briefly had a thing when I came back from treatment. But it was one of those things that would never manifest into anything significant. I don’t think she understood that, and it’s unfortunate because I do consider her a friend. Sometimes, I feel a little uncomfortable, but it is what it is. I’m here, she’s here, we did shit we shouldn’t have, and we have to move past that.