by Felicia Lynn
I don’t respond, I can’t respond to her. I feel an anchor in my throat keeping me from speaking so I smile at her with all the strength I can muster and turn the music up. Operation Fix Whit averted by me being an asshole.
I feel her sigh and see the look of defeat on her face out of the corner of my eye. She knows this is not up for discussion. We’ve been down this road before. We’re not going back.
The other girls are meeting us there and I intend to be happy when we arrive.
‘Suck it up, buttercup.’ I still hear her voice in my head. I try to hear it in my own voice but it’s always hers. Some things in life are shit and you have to move on. My feelings for Jon can just join the list of disappointments.
Whatever… Courtney and Kate drove up together earlier this morning and Kelsey and Cami should be on their way already. We have a full day of fun planned with horseback riding as soon as we arrive and get settled, and picnic lunch in the pasture over by this amazing pond. Let’s just focus on positives.
Jon
So… the funny thing about this girl’s trip is all the guys have ended up over here at Garrett’s to hang with all the kids. Garrett ordered a ton of pizzas and wings and the kids are hanging out in front of the television for a Disney movies marathon.
As weird as that all sounds, this doesn’t suck; I mean when he called and told me what we were doing I was not on board for this, but now we’re kinda having a good time. Let’s be honest, Sierra has complete control of the entire house. She’s running the show and doing a damn good job. The dads and friends are happy, and the kids are happy so I’d actually give her my vote to just take over the country.
The only thing that’s slightly challenging is this whole Whitney thing that seems to have slapped me in the face. I don’t hear much about her usually, but the guys are telling stories about past girl’s trips they’ve heard about from the ladies and there’s some pretty funny shit that’s gone down on their weekends.
Just because I don’t hear much about Whitney, doesn’t mean I don’t think about her, I do; but she’s not interested and that’s totally okay with me. Actually Kelly and I have been spending a lot of time together lately and I’m getting used to her company. We can’t move things into an intimate relationship right now because she’s just not at a point in her sobriety where she’s ready for that, but I do like hanging out with her. It’s worked out and it’s become no imposition at all.
Mostly I think I’ve realized how much I too hate being alone. It’s nice to have someone who’s always willing to hang out and do whatever. I know that she feels the same way. The funny thing is I almost kissed her the other night after our dinner and a movie. I mean I didn’t do it because I knew it was wrong. Even though the timing is bad and clearly we are incompatible for a long term anything, it was still a comforting thought.
Is it bad that I want a relationship so badly that I’ll compromise and settle for whoever just understands me somewhat and wants to hang out so I’m not lonely. I can’t wait around forever for that perfect girl, you know. Especially not when the perfect girl runs for the hills anytime I’m around.
It’s after eight o’clock when Alexis calls Garrett to check on the kids. It’s pretty funny all the guys and kids get real quiet so they can make it sound like they have everything fully under control. It’s not like she’s not going to figure out the truth tomorrow when she gets home and the house is destroyed, but for now she buys it.
As much as I want to hang around for a couple more hours, I’m kinda ready for my own quiet, so I decide to say my goodbyes and take the long way home on the bike. The weather is great and I really enjoy long drives on the back roads when I can.
I say my goodbyes and tell the guys we’ll catch up next week. Before I leave I remind them that if anyone is taking the fall for their little impromptu party it needs to be Sierra. We all agree that Sierra can be our fall guy because Alexis will never be upset with her daughter.
Even though it’s almost ninety out I put on my leather coat and tuck my jeans into my boots. I need some speed tonight. I’m in somewhat of a funk tonight and I’m not really sure why. Some days are just a little harder than others and I get a little depressed. Fortunately, I can suck that up and hide it pretty well, but it’s something that Dave and I are constantly discussing. Today is one of those days.
It’s just getting dark and I love this time of night. I can see the fireflies in the distance in some of the orange groves as I zoom through the darkness. The county back roads are great because there are no streetlights, and there’s something amazing about the roar of the streets into the darkness with only my own headlight.
The whole thing with Kelly is on my mind. She’s not the girl I think of when I wake up in the morning. She’s certainly not the girl I wish I could lay down in my bed at night, but she’s the girl that likes hanging out with me. She’s the girl that accepts me. She’s the girl who answers my fucking calls and texts unlike the girl that I wish would care even a little.
Damn it! I speed up a little more hoping this ride will suppress some of my frustrations. I round the corner looking off to the right and I can see the lake in the distance between the houses. I bought some land on the other side over there that I’m hoping to build my dream home on someday. But that someday will be when and if I ever have someone to share it with.
I try to shake off my thoughts of Kelly and Whitney. I’m taking this drive to clear my head, not drown myself in thoughts I think to myself. Then, I see it straight ahead and I can’t stop in time, I can’t fix this. I swerve a little to the left trying to avoid the family of deer that have just run out in front of me on the road. There are several. Shit…
Whitney
On the last morning of these girl’s weekends I always wake up sad that we’re all leaving. Somehow we create a little sanctuary wherever we end up and the time together is etheric and rejuvenating. I hate that we are going back to our real lives. I suppose I hate it for me the most. The four of us have been steady constants in each other’s lives for over a decade and adding Courtney and Kate to our little group this last year was a huge win.
Courtney it turns out is an amazing photographer. I mean I knew that it was her hobby I just had no idea how amazing she was at it. It was fun watching her capture the beauty of our togetherness this weekend. She’s super funny when she opens up and you get to know her I’ve found.
Kate is Alexis’ sister in-law and she’s pretty amazing to hang with. She really enjoys letting her hair down when she’s away from her family. She’s also really funny and best of all she loves my best friend which makes me love her. She keeps all Alexis’ secrets from Kate’s hubs, Jason and it makes him crazy. He’s better now that Alexis has Garrett but before he was a little over protective and had to know everything happening in her world at all times. He felt single handedly responsible for her happiness and safety. Thankfully Garrett has that under control now and Jason and Kate get to focus on their own amazing life.
Alexis has found her happily ever after in her new family and I couldn’t be more pleased with that outcome. Seeing her smiles this last year has been incredible for me. Sierra is the happiest I’ve ever seen her and baby Mason makes everyone’s ovaries quiver. I couldn’t possibly be happier for her. Love is something she’s been lacking for most of her life and Garrett is fully willing to make up for that.
Then there’s our Kelsey who might have actually kissed enough frogs after her divorce that she’s found a real prince in Brady. I mean for a minute I thought we may have had a serial dater on our hands, but it’s been a full year of this exclusive relationship. Kelsey actually refused to admit that she was in a real relationship with him for the first six months. I guess she was just trying to prepare herself for the end of the relationship because of her past; but that didn’t come and I don’t really for see it. Brady is head over heels in love with her.
Then there’s our Cami and her Drake. Sometimes it seems their family was created to be an
example of the perfect family. It’s a little creepy how amazing they all are. For a long time I was jealous of Cami. I was jealous of her tightknit relationships with her family. I was jealous of her relationship with Drake. I was jealous of her perfect childhood, her beauty, her grades, and her sheer perfection. I got over that and I’m glad I did. There have been numerous times her presence in my life has momentarily saved me from my own self-destruction. Being around her in college and even much after, you couldn’t help but make better choices. She made me want to be a better person and I’m grateful for her and her perfection that drove me at times.
When I finally get out of bed, I find Alexis is already busy packing. She, unlike me, is having far less anxiety about leaving our little paradise. She’s so ready to get out of here but that’s not happening because we still have almost a full day to hang out.
The ringing of her phone is annoying because I know she’s already talked to Garrett this morning so I’m slightly inconvenienced by the multiple calls. She answers the phone with a bright smile on her face and I watch the interaction from the bed in awe of her happiness.
But the happiness is only there for a short second until the person on the other end of the line begins talking. I visually see Lex begin to freak a little and I immediately know something is very wrong.
“Ok, Ace, calm down. I understand. Yes. What hospital? Ok. I’m getting Whitney. We’ll be on the way. Keep your phone with you!” She’s saying as she’s marching toward me with a strength that I recognize in her voice but her eyes flooding with tears once again.
She ends the call and looks at me seeing that I’m awake and almost pauses before telling me what’s happened. It’s almost as if she thinks she’s protecting me too from this news.
“Whit, I need you to get dressed. We have to go,” she says, but I’m already getting up and moving quickly to gather my things. I’m just not sure why or what’s happened. “Jon’s been in an accident” she continues and then I realize why she reacted the way she did.
I feel the tears threatening to surface but I know they won’t. I don’t cry. Crying doesn’t solve anything.
“Is he… is he ok?” I hear myself ask not really sure if I want the answer if he’s not.
Jon may not be my guy but he’s someone very important to me. Wait… is he? Why is he important? I ignore him. I push him away. I run from him. I lie to him. Hell I lie to myself about him.
I’m shaking; I can feel myself tremble but I refuse to be weak. I will hold it together and get Alexis to Garrett to deal with whatever is happening. Wait… is it a tragedy? I haven’t even gotten the answer.
I look at Alexis as she’s staring at me.
“Whit, he’s in the hospital. We don’t know anything. We need to get there. Garrett needs me. Please take me.” She says and I can see all the things that she’s holding back.
She’s worried about Garrett because his best friend is in the hospital after a terrible accident but she’s also worried about me. She can see through me. She knows that I need answers. She knows I need him to be okay. Most of all she knows that he is special to me and that I care deeply for him, and that me pushing him away is a tactic that I’m regretting at this point.
Our bags are packed and we’ve told everyone we’re leaving in less than 10 minutes. I throw our bags in the trunk and speed off.
I’m struggling with the unknowns. I don’t do well with things I can’t plan or things that are out of my control. My mind is racing and I can’t help but imagine everything terrible that could possibly have happened to him. The quiet of the car and Lex’s quiet tears are driving me insane.
I hear my words. It’s almost as if my brain is dumping some of the bad stuff in my memory bank to make room for what’s coming.
“My parents were never together that I remember and I have not one memory of them even liking each other. Their families were as bad as the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s and I was stuck in the middle forced to live with one side, but yearning to be with the other because that’s the only place I felt loved and protected.”
Alexis is startled into shock because she’s listening and isn’t saying a word.
“My two families were so different. My father’s parents were educated and well respected. They always worked hard to get what they needed, wanted and so much more. I wasn’t necessarily spoiled when I was with them but I was certainly over-loved”
It’s true. I loved spending time with my father’s parents. They actually took care in making sure I was getting quality time. We played games, went to fun places and they loved hearing me talk. No one ever told me to be quiet or go away or acted as if I was a bother. I loved them dearly even though I never got to see my father being with them was enough.
“When I would have to go home to my other family, it was as if I were walking out of Daddy Warbuck’s home and back to the orphanage. My mother hated me. I remember from a very young age when she would tell me I ruined her life. She wished she would have gone to the lady with the clothes hanger and had me ripped out of her womb.”
Alexis is crying and I know this is hard for her to hear and I still can’t stop.
“I know that seems insane for a mother to say to her young child but her words didn’t really phase me. I learned at a very young age that she hated me and I never had any desire to change her mind. I didn’t care. Her words of hatred came easy to her over the years and it was just as easy for me to prove I didn’t care what she said. We co-existed. I was her paycheck and she held me captive.”
She reaches to touch my leg. Her sobs are loud now and I know it’s a combination of my brain dump and the news we are waiting on from Garrett.
“Whitney… Pull over at the next exit please.”
I’m on autopilot now. I exit off the ramp assuming she needs to use the bathroom and pull into the Starbucks parking lot.
She doesn’t get out of the car. She takes off her seat belt and turns to me.
“Keep talking Whitney.”
“I lived in this world of jumping from happiness to sadness. From love to hate, and somehow I learned to transition to both seamlessly. I knew what to expect. At one home I would be pampered and loved and at the other I would be completely responsible for my own care and learn to never ask for much.”
“Whit…I’m struggling to understand how any mother could say those things to her child. Did she hurt you?”
I shake my head.
“No. I was never harmed. No one ever abused me. Don’t get me wrong, I ‘ve had more spankings than I can count, but truthfully, they were deserved.”
“I remember at one point there were sixteen people living in our little fourteen hundred square foot house. I never had my own room, and I slept with one eye open I didn’t trust anyone. I was loud and not fearful so I wouldn’t have been a victim of choice for anyone.”
She’s trying hard to not interrupt and wait for me to tell the parts I can.
“There was a lot of drug abuse, lots of drinking, there was a whole lot of abuse physical, sexual and verbal. I’ve seen it all and I trusted no one. Not the family that loved me when I was with them and not the family that hated me. I built walls around my heart and refused to let anyone in close enough to hurt me.”
She looks at me with pity. “Whitney, that’s no way to live. You know that, love.”
“See… the difference is, all of those people that lived the terrible, hurtful lives will tell you that their issues all started with a broken heart. It started with parents divorcing and abandoning their children, the loss of a loved one, a disagreement with someone important, the love of their life slipping away… it all started with a life worth living until they couldn’t just live normally. They were destructive and broke other people to feel better.”
She’s shaking her head. “No Whit, it didn’t have to be that way. Bad things happen to people, and they’re able to live without tearing others down. No Whit. Those people were not good and they are the exception to the rule.” She’s sayi
ng with certainty.
“Well… heartbreak is in my blood. I need to be extra careful.” I say with resolution and hope that she somehow understands. “Many people have tried to break me, Lex. More people than I can count. I have a few people in my life that I know truly wouldn’t intentionally hurt me. That’s enough for me for now.”
I know she wants to know more and this little ounce of understanding will never be enough. I know that she’ll need more from me and maybe someday that can happen, but that’s enough for now.
I turn back to the steering wheel, start the car and get back on the highway.
I don’t even think about the speedometer or the speed limit on the ninety-five minute drive back to Tampa.
When we get to the hospital, I drop Lex off at the entrance telling her I’ll be in shortly and she jumps out of the car and runs through the door.
I park my car and even though I know I too should be rushing into the hospital, I’m confused why I would and most of all I’m confused why I’m not.
When I finally muster up the courage to get out of the car and go into the hospital, I walk ever so slowly. I walk with fear in my steps. I walk with the nervousness of knowing that if Jon were not to make it I would regret not ever giving him a chance. I would feel a tremendous loss in knowing the connection we have, of knowing that he’s the closest thing to ‘the guy for me’ that I’ve ever met.
I abruptly halt in my steps on the sidewalk outside the big sliding doors into the hospital; into the big scary place of not knowing which regret will be more impactful in my future. As much as I want to be strong and have courage to go and find out what’s happened to Jon and be there to support my best friends, I can’t.
I pull my cell phone from my pocket and quickly press the send next to Max’s name hoping he answers and isn’t in the middle of something. It’s always a fifty, fifty chance with him. He’s not one of those men that are always available for their friends of girlfriends. Max’s priority is number one work, number two still work and so on.