“You okay?” I hear Cal ask me from behind as he stands in the entry to my booth.
I laugh without humor. If he only fucking knew. “Just stressed to my max man,” I say, in way of explanation to the shitstorm brewing in my head.
“Work shit?” He asks, taking a seat in the same spot his sister sat being molested by me just moments before.
“Little bit of that, lotta other shit making it worse.” Like the thoughts on Kace being invaded by his sexy sister.
“Why not get out of here tonight and come to celebrate with us? Lexington’s in town and wants to see everyone.”
Lexington Cherry is the rising star that Cal composed with a while back. She had become a surrogate sister to him in the process and the two were as tight as Noah and Jen.
“Tonight?” I ask, knowing that I adore Lex and want to see her, interferes with more time near Mya, and less time planning my daughter’s memorial or whatever you call it.
“Yeah. I don’t know if we are going out or doing something at the house. Come and chill out for a while. Get your head clear.”
I inwardly cringe knowing the biggest issue in my world is Mya and she happens to be the one I don’t think I can walk away from anymore. “I don’t think tonight will work my man. Noah, uh, he offered to help me plan a memorial type thing for Kace. We were gonna go check out how to do it without an actual grave, well yet, or whatever…” I feel like my chest might explode from the pressure of it all. Pain has no place with passion,. The two will shred you if combined.
“Hey… come on, man. Look at me,” Cal says, and I realize he is holding my arm by the elbow and my back, trying to steady me. “Noah! Get in here!” He yells, but all I see is black.
Chapter Four
Shadows play on idle hands
I lose myself, I do
But I’ve found my way to velvet sands
Ill crash right into you.
Mya
“What happened?” I ask, rushing in the booth ahead of Noah. I lift Sully’s head off the hard floor and place it in my lap. I watch as his eyes open, his hand coming to my cheek as he focuses on my holding him. “What happened, friend? You okay?” I ask, knowing he worries about pissing my brother off, I try to not show the concern of my crush falling unconscious, but that of my friend.
“Friend?” He asks, looking at me sadly. “We aren’t friends, Pet.”
“Sully…” I whisper, in hopes he realizes Cal, and well, everyone is right here watching.
Noah leans down unaware as the rest of the peanut gallery of what he just said. Thank God. “Here, try to sit up,” Noah says, and places a wet stack of paper towels on his neck. “What happened, bro?”
He looks to Noah with sorrow and I watch as Noah nods in understanding. “One day, you might think to vent it out, my dude,” he says, as he lifts him from my lap to get him standing.
“Sam, is this about Kace?” Cal asks with empathy, and I wonder who that is when Sully nods a yes.
“Who is that?” I ask the room, but it is Sully who answers with a firmness that tells me not to push.
“She is nobody.” He looks to his friends, determined they understand to shut the fuck up about this chick. I realize there is no point in me sitting here, wanting him, and trying to build something with him when he has other shit on his plate.
Sully
“What the fuck is going on with you lately?” Asa asks, as he steps in my booth with Noah and Cal.
I watch Cal who seems distracted as he watches the door his sister just ran out of. Noah gives me a knowing look and I know Raleigh has talked. “Maybe come clean, brother,” he says and looks between Cal and me.
Asa seems to get the idea as well and now all three are looking at me. “Dude, I already know you have a thing for Mya. How deep that thing has gone? I don’t want to know. Deal?” Cal states, as he takes a seat on my table.
I rub the sweat from my forehead and take the whiskey Asa hands me, even though I have rightfully become a tequila drinker these days. The whiskey calms my heart rate.
“How?” I ask, even though I know it’s pointless.
He looks at me with laughter and knowledge in his eyes. “Lex is her best friend dude, Jen is my wife. Lex sucks in talking code and Jen told me in case I went psycho.” He looks at me and the guys. “So, don’t give a fuck. Just do right by her.” The warning in the nonchalant tone didn’t go unnoticed.
“I’m trying, but she won’t let me,” I say, and stand up. Still uneasy, but better. I look for my cigarillos and make my way to the roof. The three blind mice all following me. “I’m not suicidal. Don’t need babysitters,” I say, but the annoyance in my voice is lost on them.
Once I get to the roof, I text her. Needing her to understand, or fuck, I don’t even know.
Me: You ran off?
It took only a few seconds for her to respond.
Mya: Well, I finally got the picture. You have someone and were too chicken shit to tell me you were taken. I won’t bug you again.
I read her words and I know she is asking, without asking, about Kace.
Me: Mya, the funeral we are planning is for Kace. I am as single as it gets, Going on seven years now.
I sit, staring at my phone like a goddamn lunatic until she responds.
Mya: Oh.
I chuckle a little at that.
Me: Yeah, oh.
Mya: So, was that a real kiss then? Did you wave the white flag finally?
That is how dumb mother fuckers like me get their asses in trouble. Walked right into that one.
Me: No… that was me losing my damn mind.
I know it is chicken shit to not own it knowing that Cal doesn’t care, but I am too fucked up.
“You okay?” Noah asks from behind me, and I turn to see it is Cal and Noah.
I nod, turning to look at the bay again. I feel my phone buzz and hang my head.
Mya: Then it’s fair because you make me lose mine.
“Why don’t we go check that cemetery out tonight and then we can go catch a drink at ‘The Sue’?” Noah asks, as he lights a Camel.
“I wanna tag along too,” Cal says, and I turn to look at him shocked that he would want that.
“Why the fuck would you? You have two healthy, happy, perfect kids, and this is depressing as fuck.” I blow out the smoke from my cigarillo and flick it to the ashtray.
“Because you need more than Noah on your side.” Cal steps toward me and folds his arms. “I don’t pretend to know your situation. I can’t stand knowing one of mine was hurt like that, but you are family to us. I know you care for my sister. I know she isn’t a toy to you, but nothing will come from it if you don’t start to heal.”
I had heard from Jen and the guys that Cal had become the master of understanding emotions, but it is now that I am seeing it.
“I know…” I say, letting the words trail off quietly.
“I’m not saying all our situations are the same, but bro, we have all faced some tough shit in our days. Mine was lying in a bed maybe dying knowing she was gone,” Noah says, and he refers to his beloved, Candey, he lost four years before.
“Mine was too. That night Jen was attacked? I lost my shit in a glorious way that almost killed me and my career.” Cal states pointedly. “That same night started this thing with Mya. When you held her crying in the waiting room all night.”
I had forgotten about that. Last year, Cal was fighting off the guy who attacked Jen. He was stabbed and his hand was crushed. I had been there and followed to the hospital. When I saw Mya crying alone in one of the chairs, all I could do was comfort her and hold her while she fell apart.
Maybe... fuck, maybe it did start there.
“I’m down to go tonight, and maybe you guys can help me figure this memorial thing out together?” I hate asking for help, but these are the guys to ask.
“You gotta tell Mya if you decide you want to see where things go with her. I am pretty sure she thinks Kace is your girlfriend,” Noah says w
ith an uncomfortable shiver.
“I just texted her and told her. Not that Kace is my daughter, but that the memorial she heard us talking about was for Kace.”
I look at Cal pointedly. “I will tell her…I just want to fucking puke when I relive it.”
He nods, but says nothing. He gets it. Who doesn’t get it? It’s hell.
“Well, let’s get going. Ral rescheduled your last appointment for tomorrow when you passed out,” Noah says as we walk down from the roof.
“I’m gonna call Jen. Let her know the plan and we can head.”
“You driving?” I yell, knowing this mother fucker drove his Lamborghini.
“Hell no! Noah has the Cuda.” He yells back, and Noah shrugs his shoulders.
“It’s a Cuda Hemi, bro. Nothing compares.
I laugh knowing he might be kind of right, but still it’s a Lambo. Axe, Cal’s son, is obsessed with the Lambo and I side with him.
“Well, we can take my truck. It’s a Chevy Silverado and not as cool as my rich Rockstar friends’ cars.”
Noah pushes me back while laughing. “Because you are so poor?” He laughs.
Cal comes out the back as Noah looks to us both after reading his phone. “Take the Lambo. I gotta run home quick and get the flowers Bright got for me to take to Cans. I will meet ya there and we can hop in my car.”
We nod in agreement and I follow Cal to his car. “This is such a sweeter ride than the Cuda,” I say as I sit on the real Italian leather seats that warm my ass in seconds.
“Yeah, fucking Cuda can’t do this,” he says and starts the car, streaking from the parking lot ahead of Noah as we left him in our dust.
“Mya called me when I was inside. We gotta swing by her place and then the studio on our way to Noah’s.”
I nod, and can’t help but wonder what she looks like sweaty and red from the exertion of dancing.
“I’ll run the phone in. I owe her an apology.”
Cal is cool and I never knew it until recently. It says a lot about the guy who wants you to go for it with his sister. His virgin sister who has the mouth of a stripper and the body to match.
Mya
The music beats off the walls, the beat hitting every chord in my spine as I moved. I wanted to mash a contemporary hip hop piece together for the older students that could follow. I grabbed the handset phone at my front desk and called Cal hoping he would be able to bring me my phone. I was so excited to see the finished work on the floors that I rushed and forgot.
I usually recorded my choreography and couldn’t practice without it.
“Hey. Why you calling from this number?” He says, by way of hello.
“I forgot my cell at my apartment. I know you have plans tonight, but Noah’s is on the way to my studio…”
“Yeah, we are headed out now. We just left the studio, so I’ll be there soon.”
“Thanks, brother,” I say in my sweetest voice that always worked on him and Jace when I was little.
“Whatever, spoiled brat. See you in twenty,” he hung up, and I couldn’t help but fill with the love and grateful feeling of my family’s support for my dancing. He knew I needed it to record my sessions and was always willing to support me with it.
I pushed my muscles and ligaments to move as I moved, warming up switching from contemporary to hip hop, watching my form in the mirror. Time faded away as I started repeating steps and checking the door for Cal.
One part in the bridge of the song, there’s this orchestral part that combines with the hip hop beat and it was the part I needed the phone for. Frustrated by trying so hard to nail it, I look over to the door and see not my brother, but Sully standing there with my phone.
“Hey?” I say, and grab the towel off the rail and try to hide the sweat. I have little to no clothing on and in my environment, exposed like this puts me on edge.
“You are pretty badass, Pet. Who knew you could bend like that?” He says, walking closer and I feel my heart rate go even faster. He is in all black with a hat on. I hate the idea of him going out and giving himself to experienced women who will never want him like I do. I hate knowing so many women would cave to him just because he is sexy, never knowing him. I want more than anything to know him.
“Ha, ha,” I say, and grab my phone and take it to the stand where I can record the routine. I see hi, still in the doorway, as I look in the mirror. “Thank you,” I say, not turning around as I can see him fine.
He stands there just looking around like I need to see him in this space. He haunts me everywhere, this is my sanctuary. The song starts again and I know my phone is recording. Deciding that if he wants to interfere with my greatness, then he will get an eyeful.
Right as the beat hits, I start moving until I forget that he is watching me like a total perv. It excites me. My body moves in fluid motion to the beat. My hips sway and I spin like I am on a top. He watches the routine all the way through and I realize he is captivated by me, and for once, I have the power.
I start dancing towards him, mouthing the words, putting on a show for only one…
He grabs my wrist as I spin, letting my body fall against his. “Do something…” I say breathlessly. I feel like I am begging him to see me and it pisses me off. I feel desperate and needy for his attention, for the few scraps like he gives me now that I thrive on.
He shakes his head no, but his eyes say yes as his lips hit mine in a searing kiss. The music vibrates the walls as he pulls me closer until I can’t breathe and force my mouth from his. I want back into that kiss, but he drops his forehead to mine breathing deep. “Mya… I can’t…”
I know what’s coming and it pisses me off. I know he wants me. I know he does and the more he denies it, the more I want him. I know that sounds like some straight up stalker shit, but it is what it is. I know he wants me.
So completely annoyed by this shit, the way he burns me up, I can’t take it anymore. I lean in and kiss him again with my hands behind my back and submissive. I pull back taking his bottom lip with me while my eyes tell him I am done playing games. If he doesn’t want this, he needs to say no and mean it.
Said every rapist ever, Mya.
I realize how pathetic I am when he does nothing. Says nothing. That same embittered sorrow on his face that is always plaguing him and he lets me go. I hate myself and the weakness he brings out in me. I go back to dancing and trying to pretend that he doesn’t exist.
When I spin around, he is gone, and I really need him to stay gone.
Chapter Five
I don’t wanna live for nothing
Just wanna be something
I never knew what it took to win
I don’t wanna live for nothing
Just wanna be something
I never knew we’d be more than friends.
Sully
We walk into ‘The Sue’, and as promised, the place is mellow and without the fanfare. There is only one other bar that our group doesn’t get bothered at and it’s the ‘Aloha House.’
I spot Mya at the table where my guys from the shop are sitting, as well as Lex, and the TAT crew. One big ass group of misfits, that’s us.
I take a seat opposite of Mya and a few chairs down, making small talk with the guys, but my thoughts on where we just left. I walked through the grounds of the cemetery as we talked cost, plot, and service. Turns out, it is common for parents in my situation to mark a memorial for their child regardless if they were there or not. The woman gave me a few brochures on funeral homes in the area that did a beautiful job.
Noah said he would get Chad in on a mural for the casket like he did for Candey. I thought it would be nice to maybe fill the casket with some of her items. I kept mostly everything; blankets and toys she loved best. I have so many pictures of her life. It hurt less to think of an empty casket in the ground when I thought about a casket full of love.
If the day ever comes that we could find remains, the plot and casket are ready for her. The whole thing is morbid
as hell, but it is a process I have waited seven long years to do. I will never get over her loss or forget her. I will always love her, but I need to let her be at peace knowing I am. In the event she ever comes home safe and sound, then I can show her she was never forgotten.
“You alive, bro?” Noah asks with a nudge to my shoulder, pulling me from my dark thoughts. I see the server waiting on me.
“Sorry, long ass day. I’ll take your house IPA Stein.”
She jots my order down and continues taking orders when it is Mya’s turn. “What’s a better shot of tequila? Jose Cuervo or Patron?”
Everyone, legit everyone, tells her Patron, but her eyes are on me. “Sully? Patron or Jose Cuervo?”
I look at her, annoyed by the game she is playing to get me riled up. Little does she know her brother and damn near everyone knows what the fuck we been doing. I lean forward. “Do Cuervo. Patron is too much for you to handle.”
“And Cuervo isn’t?” She asks. Her smile gone as my words hit her.
“Cuervo is basic.” I am Patron and she knows it.
She nods, a glint of excitement in her eyes and I have no idea what she has planned.
“Let’s do Patron,” she tells the waitress, before winking at me and holding up two fingers. “Two please.”
I pull my phone out to check the time and see she texted me.
Mya: I can handle Patron. I did just fine in DC.
I laugh at that.
Me: You handled nothing in DC. I stopped it.
Mya: Will you stop me tonight if it happens again?
I look at her when I read it. Her eyes are on Lexington like she has no cares in the world.
Me: It won’t.
Her phone lights up on the table and I watch her read the message. She looks at me as the waitress drops my beer in front of me and hands me a shot of Patron.
“From the lady in the coral colored shirt.”
I laugh as I set the tip on her tray after paying her. I reach for the shot and smile at Mya as I take it.
5 Words: Paradox Ink Trilogy Page 5