“Give me your worst and let me decide that.” I place my hand on my chest and look at him, pleading for him to give me something. “Did… did you cheat on her? Hit her? What happened so bad that you refuse to live?”
I see the raw anger flash in his eyes at my words and I flinch when he walks toward me with purpose. “See, that is the difference between us. You are so naïve to think something so simple and generic has destroyed me. I would never hit a woman. Are you fucking kidding me? As for cheating, that wouldn’t happen either. I am a loyal man, Mya. I don’t lack integrity or morals. She cheated. She had a fucking affair, married the son of a bitch, and had more kids. She moved on and I am stuck in this perpetual hell, mourning every part of it!”
“More kids?” I ask, disregarding the rest. “Did she have a kid with him? Is that how you found out?” I reach for his arm, trying to show him I can understand if he would let me in. He moved away from me as if I had branded him.
His hands go over his face and I know he is hurting. I was not prepared for the truth he would provide. Nothing could have prepared me for that shock. His eyes focus on me. I can see the determination in them, that he will tell me once and for all, what holds him back from moving on.
“She had a child with me. Her name is Kace Deja Sullivan and just shy of three years old when…” he looks at me, tears rimming the red lids of his eyes. He palms his eyes trying to erase the proof of his pain. “She was ours. Okay?”
I nod and reach to take his hands, but he still won’t let me touch him. “Why won’t you let me touch you, Sully? Do I detest you that much?”
I hate the sob that catches in my throat as I stand vulnerable in front of him.
“No, Pet. I detest myself,” he says, and tries to reach for me in some consoling way that I don’t want and step back from.
“Well, I can’t keep this up. You won’t let me in, won’t let me touch you, or near you. I beg for answers and you still deny even friendship, so I’m done.”
I wanted him to call my name. To ask me to wait or follow me. To stop me from walking away. He did nothing. Honestly, why should he? I chased him. I pushed the boundaries and his limits. He never once invaded my space. It was always me pushing. I see it now. Humiliated, I swear to God, then and there, I will never go through this again.
Chapter Eight
I am torn in two
Hold on, hold on we’re barely alive
I am faded through
Hold on, hold on
The fallen arise
I will fight this war for you
A
nd let the dawn of love survive
Broken I crawl back to life.
Sully
I drove for hours hating myself for trying and then running. I tell her I have integrity and then refuse to let her near me… I meant what I said. I do detest myself. I hate that I keep her so far away when she is all I want. I am overwhelmed by the urge to tell her. To open my wounds and tell her I failed my own blood and left her in danger. How could she love me knowing what I did? What I allowed, by running away, instead of facing Deja and Cordell once and for all? I know that she deserves the truth and the choice to tell me to fuck off because of that truth.
I stop by my house. I change out of the clothes I wore to impress her, feeling like a fool for trying in the first place. I didn’t have to try with Mya, she wants me as I am. If I am going to tell her the truth, I am going to do it as Sam, and leave my ego behind.
I pull out one of my white tank tops and throw it on, with a pair of black Dickies, and my Chucks. I grab my black bandana and tie it over my head, covering my scalp, then throw the Metal Mulisha hat over the bandana. I take one final look in the mirror at who I am. My ink is on display. Though my legs, chest, and back are fully covered, she will see my story in the ink on display like never before.
I riffle through my cupboards until I see the bottle of Patron. I grab my keys, the bottle, and head to face the music.
I pull into the Cove Apartments and let my memory guide me to her apartment. The last time I was here, she was drunk and confused, but I had been the gallant one. I put her to bed with water and Advil for the morning.
I wanted to tell her that night, just in case she had awoken before I fled, but like usual I ran from her. Tonight, she would know why. Even if the cost was losing her. She deserved to know and make her own choice on where I stand in her life.
I see her car and sigh with relief. A small part of me feared I would go through the hellish anxiety getting to her and finding her gone.
I grab my phone from the Bluetooth connect and call her. She answers on the first ring. “Hello?” she asks with a sniffle.
“I’m outside… I’m ready to talk if you will listen?”
“Yeah….come up.”
I lock the truck up after grabbing a PIT hoodie, and the bottle of Patron, and make my way to Mya and the truth.
She was at the door, holding it open when I made it to her. I could see the shock in her eyes when she sees how I am dressed, that I changed from the clothes earlier.
“You look different,” she says, locking the door behind me. I can’t help, but to allow my eyes to roam her body. Her tats cover her arms and chest, but the delicate nature of the ink stills me as I take in her beauty.
Nothing on this earth could compare to Mya’s beauty. She is stunning to me and has no idea the control she tests even being in the same room as me. I open her cupboards and look for shot glasses, finding them easily.
“Why did you go change, Sully?” she asks, as I hand her one and come around the corner to her fridge, hoping for a lime.
I see a bottle of lime juice that will work and take it, and the salt shaker off her counter, and make my way to her bistro style table in the kitchen dining area.
“Hello?” she says again, annoyed by my lack of small talk.
“I changed because the things I need to talk to you about are gonna kill me. I need to feel like myself. I dress like this in my down time. The studio is built on my name and Noah’s, and it comes with a level of class white tank tops don’t reach. I also never hide the tats on my head because the ink is killer, done by Noah, and a canvas of its own.” I pour us both a shot, placing hers in front of her, and place the salt and lime juice next to the bottle. “I also needed some Tequila for this because it isn’t easy and there is legit nobody on this planet I want to drink Patron with more than you.”
I lick my hand over Kace’s name in the crease of my thumb and finger, then cover it with salt. I feel her watching my every move. I reach for her hand, licking the same spot, and covering it with salt. “Come on, Pet. You know how to line it up.”
“I do it differently is all,” she says, as she reaches for her shot. “How will we share the lime juice if we shoot together?”
“I’ll show you,” I say, and reach for my shot, raising it for a toast. “Here’s to the truth and that it will set me free.”
I clink my glass to hers. Lick, shoot, and pour the juice in my mouth before swallowing.
She watches, a split second behind me and does the same. Lick, shoot, and as she reaches for the lime juice, I pull her in by her neck and kiss her hard. The lime on my lips and tongue erasing the tequila from her lips.
She looks stunned. Heated by the kiss and I love the effect I have on this woman. “Sorry. When everything is said and done, I wanted to have one last kiss.”
“Sully, why do you keep talking like the truth will make me hate you?”
“Because in the end you should hate me. Run far and fast from me, Pet… But you deserve the truth and to make the choice yourself.”
“Sully…” she says, and places her hand on mine in a gesture of reassurance I wish I could believe.
“One thing, Pet,” I say, lifting her hand and kissing the top. “I want you to call me Sam. In this, this truth? I am and will always be Sam. Sully is my ego. My status as an artist… my brand. This truth, it has nothing to do with Sully, but everything to do with Sam S
ullivan.”
“Okay, Sam,” she says sweetly, and looks to the tremors in my hands and pours us two more shots. “One more. Calm your nerves a minute.”
She hands me mine and repeats the process I had done only minutes before. I handed her my left hand not wanting her to see Kace’s name. Once we are ready to shoot, I look to the bottle of lime juice.
“You’ll see,” she says and holds her glass up. “Cheers to liking because, and loving in spite of.” She looks at me and smiles. “And to you learning that lesson tonight.”
She takes my hand in hers. “Follow me,” she says, then licks my hard and takes her shot. I watch tongue tied and twisted as she drops the lime juice on her tongue, and pulls me in to share the sour as it fades away to nothing, but Mya and the fire she ignites in me.
I want to linger. I want to lay her on this table and devour every inch, but refuse to take any more of her until she knows my demons.
“I like your way better,” I say, dropping a sweet kiss on her nose before leaning back.
“I like you,” she says, openly with no fear, and I wish I could be that free.
“I like you too, Mya, more than I have the right to,” I admit, seeing the blush on her cheeks at my finally admitting it. “I haven’t been fair to you, Mya. I have run from you since the first time I touched you. I wanted to touch you, Pet, more than anything, and when I did I felt like a thief taking something I had no right coveting.”
I stand, not wanting to hear a response from her. I know she would tell me she wants me, and they are words I don’t want to be reminded of when this is over. “I married Deja when she was twenty and I was just shy of twenty-one. We rushed into it. Both were starting out as artists in the same studio and we sparked like flash fires. Deja was a talented artist, but her ego got the best of her. She knew she was good and thought of herself like some Kat Von D revisited. She changed, and by then it was too late to bail. She was pregnant with our daughter, Kace, and I wanted to do the right thing.
“I should have caught on to her wanting to leave us. I don’t know, but once Kace came, we both lived separate lives. I loved Deja, I did.” I look at her so she knows that I didn’t stray and never would have. I need her to know my loyalty never faltered, even after Kace was gone. “Kace was almost three. By then, we had a studio in Seattle and business was hot. We booked ourselves every day. We hired a nanny who came to the shop with us every day. Kace was a part of that shop and everyone loved her, took care of her. We decided to throw a party, like the ones we do at the PIT. I don’t know what happened, it was insane, and shit got out of control. People were everywhere and I wanted to find Lindsay, our nanny, and ask her to take Kace home.”
I stop from pacing and try to breathe when I see a shot of tequila and the bottle of lime juice handed to me from Mya. I took the shot without the chaser and tried to take a deep breath.
“Want to take a break? Go smoke or something?” she asks me, knowing I am rich with anxiety and of little fucking faith that I will make it through this story.
“No. This is part of the mystery, Pet. This shit will never get easier to tell.”
I pour one more shot, take it, and get myself back on track. “Looking for them, I head to the back office. There were toys and movies for Kace back there and assumed they were in there.... but when I opened the door, I saw one of our artists, a new guy named Cordell, railing my fucking wife. They had no idea I was there right then, what I saw and heard. Everything kind of fried out there and I just needed to leave, get away before I beat that mother fuckers’ brains in.”
I try to rest on the back of the couch, folding my arms to try to appear calm, when I am nothing of the sort. “I cruised over to my folks to chill out, talk rational to my dad. I did what I thought was the right thing, but I had slammed that office door on my way out and Deja knew I knew. So…”
I feel my voice crack and hate the burning in my eyes. I close them and swallow the lump in my throat. “So, I turned my phone off, got piss drunk, and crashed. My dad came in six hours later and woke me telling me we needed to get to the police station.” I look at her, tears falling. There is no hiding them even though I hate the feel of them on my face. “My old man is a detective for Seattle. Deja called him when she realized I wasn’t answering.”
I swallow, unable to hold back the tears. I just can’t. I have told this story enough to be strong through it. With Mya, I can’t because I am terrified that she will leave me when all is said and done. So, I sit and cry as quiet as I can be, hating how weak I look.
“Why did you need to go to the police station Sam?” she asks, as she rises from her chair and brings me the bottle. No glass, no lime, no salt. Bare bones, she hands me the bottle and her eyes tell me she knows why. She is giving me the chance to purge this shit once and for all.
One handed, I drink from the bottle and with the other, I rub my eyes trying to clear the pain. It is never ending though. I should know better. I lean forward and set the bottle at my feet, sniff a few times, and keep my eyes on the floor. “To file a missing person’s report on Kace. Dad had an Amber Alert issued within the hour.”
I look up when I hear the gasp and see Mya, hand over her mouth, with a horrified expression in her eyes. “We didn’t know who took her. Lyndsay said they fell asleep in my booth sharing headphones and watching a movie on my laptop. She was asleep about three hours, so it was sometime between twelve and three a.m. that she was taken. No witnesses, no trace of her, she was just gone…”
I look at her then, I see the disenchantment now. I lost the sparkle that captivated her. She could see me for what I really am. An awful father and a disaster of a man.
“Sam, was she found…?” I see her stutter on the word ‘dead’ as evenly as I stutter on the word found.
“No idea. She was never found. It will be ten years on Halloween.”
“Oh my, God,” she gasps, and reaches for the bottle, drinking from it as I did.
“I confronted Deja at the station. I accused Cordell of taking her. Even as I accused everyone and raged, nobody we know or knew took her. Turns out that Deja and Cordell left after I did and assumed I took Kace with me. They took Lyndsay home and went to fuck at his pad. By the next morning, she was pissed I wasn’t answering and demanded I come home with Kace. When my old man told her Kace wasn’t with me… all hell broke loose. We set up search parties and after a few years it seemed there was no hope. A few years after that, I raged again and hired two private dicks to help, but still nothing.
“I begged my dad and Agent Sorrell, with the FBI, to charge me with something. Felony child endangerment, abandonment of a child… anything. I took the blame and I still carry that burden, Mya. I didn’t protect her…”
My voice cracks as I admit my worst act, my darkest moment.
“Sam, look at me,” she says, and takes my hands in hers as she crawls on her knees to rest between my legs. “This was a tragic accident and not your fault. Cal and Jenny could have made the same mistake with Rylie or Axe. Parents are entitled to cool down and you did the right thing.”
“I didn’t. I should have beat the mother fucker’s ass and went to jail for assault, but I ran like a pussy. I assumed that Deja would do what I didn’t.”
“She did the same thing though, Sam.”
I nod, saying nothing. I just sit in the awful silence.
“The cemetery…” she says, and I look up confused as she puts the pieces together. “The day you blacked out in the studio.... You had said you and Noah were going to the cemetery…”
I nod. “I want to have a memorial. I got a stone and I am placing it in a spot by this little stream with a bridge. I put her birthday on it without an ending… and these five words that remind me of her.”
“Can I ask?” she says sweetly, her thumbs stroking the top of my clasped hands.
I am reminded of the hotel and that almost fuck. I told her she deserved to be someone’s favorite color. “You are my favorite color.”
; I see her eyes well with tears immediately as she nods. “You told me I deserved to be someone’s favorite color. You told me you guaranteed I was my dad’s favorite color.”
I nod, my eyes full of tears I refuse to let free. “I do guarantee it, Pet.”
She cries softly. Her head resting over my hands as those words resonate and I want to tell her I am sorry.
“I’m so sorry, Pet. I’m sorry I brought this darkness here.” She jerks her head up and looks at me, offended like usual.
“Are you kidding me with that? I am honored, Sam. Honored you trust me with this.” Her voice cracks from the emotion and I close my eyes.
“How do I not disgust you?”
“Oh, baby, no,” she says, and I open my eyes at her words. She drops my hands and instead wraps them around my waist until we are flush chest to chest… and hugs me. “I could never be disgusted by you, Sam. I find you strong and honorable. Your sadness has its own zip code, it’s that big, but you own it and make no excuses for it. You wear the burden of this, because it is what daddy’s do. They bare the pain, the sadness, the disappointment for their daughters because daddy’s can never love anything or anyone more than their daughters.” She pulls back and looks at me, forces me to see her. “Sam, you are my favorite color… you could never be anything but that.”
Chapter Nine
I want to love like a man
I’ll build you a home when I can
Give my new body a chance
Patient now it’s all that I have
Mya
I feel him shutter at my words and my heart breaks for the pain he has endured. I can’t imagine. I can’t pretend to. All I can do is be here for him for as long as he will let me. I want to erase the pain and that will be my burden because I never can.
5 Words: Paradox Ink Trilogy Page 7