Tearing my focus from my sister and her current object of desire, I notice Sunny watching me. I reach over Anika and stroke her mother’s lips. Sunny’s hazel eyes lose their mild panic and regain their earlier lusty gaze.
“We’ll spend the day relaxing,” I whisper, “and getting to know each other better.”
Sunny’s gaze shifts again. She worries I won’t approve of what I learn about her, but she doesn’t understand how she already owns my heart. I’m sure my feelings make no sense to most people. My father keeps texting to ask if I’m ready to leave behind my boyish fantasies. This is despite him claiming my mother before knowing her name too. His past is why I ignore his current complaints. He’s forgotten how easy falling in love can be.
I know my heart and my mind. I want Sunny. She’s mine. Anika is my daughter now. There doesn’t have to be any sense behind my decision. It’s my choice, and no one sways my mind. Not my parents or my sister. Certainly not the Children of the Black Sun.
Smiling at Sunny, I hope my confidence is clear. Whether she understands or not, she returns my smile.
After breakfast, Anika isn’t interested in the TV. She wants to go outside. Neri suggests I walk with Sunny and Anika away from where she and Cobain shoot targets.
The child’s sandals don’t fit well, meaning she can’t walk quickly in them. The ground is too stony for her to go barefoot, which is what she keeps wanting to do.
“You’ll soon have a new home,” I tell Anika when she sits down on the grass and fiddles with her sandals. “It’s so beautiful there. You can walk on the sand and the soft grass. When I was little, I barely wore shoes.”
Anika just hears the last word and takes off her sandals. I look at Sunny, who stares at me with tear-filled eyes.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, stroking her cheek.
“When will we go there?” she whimpers. “It seems so far away.”
“It is far away. Traveling might take days or even weeks, depending on the trouble we find. But all the stress will be worth it, Sunny,” I explain and cup her face in my hands. “It’s so beautiful there.”
I already see Sunny and Anika on the beach. We’ll eat outside, enjoying the warm breeze and briny air. I’ll show them the paths I used to walk as a child with my parents. We’ll visit the restaurants I’ve enjoyed all my life. They’ll meet people who will never know the hell they endured. A fresh start is what Sunny and Anika need. I’ll protect them and love them and never hurt them because I was raised to cherish those who cherish me.
At night, Sunny will sleep against me the way she craved to do last night. Anika will grow up so loved that she’ll forget her first four hellish years. With time, Sunny will mature too. In the cult, she never truly grew up. I know whoever she becomes, I’ll never want to let her go.
My happy thoughts don’t translate to Sunny, who stares at me with panicked eyes.
“What if they won’t let us go?” she whispers, fighting tears. “They never relent. They break down everyone. When my father took me there, I was a strong, happy child. I tried to fight them. I knew how things worked in the outside world. But they beat me down. They kept telling me the rules. They swore the outside world was evil, and my happy memories were lies.”
Sunny doesn’t want me to touch her. Backing away, she welcomes her fear rather than attempting to calm herself. “I was old enough to know better. But then, day after day, every single one of them drilled the rules in my head. They refused me food, attention, sleep, anything I needed to stay strong. I started to doubt my old life, and even if my mom loved me. Because if the Children of the Black Sun are the bad guys, then how come the good guys never stopped them?”
Sunny tears at her shirt, steamrolling her way toward a panic attack. “Now imagine people who were born in that place and only know the lies. They believe they’re at war against demons, not people. Those are the people hunting us. They don’t fear death because they believe God will welcome them. They don’t fear murder because they believe God will forgive them. Those people view us as the enemy who’ve wronged God. How can we win against them?”
Witnessing her mother’s agitation, Anika grips her toys. I know she’s about to do the kneeling move again. She gets a specific look before her head tips down. The submitting thing is next.
“You need a hug,” I tell Sunny and wrap her in my arms. “Anika, Mama needs a hug.”
Unsure, the little girl doesn’t move. She looks at her toys, and I see her about to cry. I swoop her up into my arms and then hold her and Sunny together.
“No submitting,” I insist. “In my family, we hug when someone’s upset.”
Anika wants Sunny to hold her, so we reorganize our embrace a little before everyone settles down.
“I’m not a psycho who thinks he’s on a mission from God,” I tell a frowning Sunny. “But when it comes to killing, I might as well have God at my back. I killed Kenneth. That was his name, right?”
Sunny’s scowl shifts when she recalls the worm’s death. He had been scary to her, but I killed him effortlessly. Since then, I’ve been gentle, patient, welcoming. A large part of her has forgotten I’m a killer.
I think to mention how the people at the compound break down the wills of weak people. That’s how cults operate. They don’t want someone like me because I’ll cause them trouble. Cults hunt for lost souls like her failure of a father. He wanted to submit to someone stronger, but in the outside world, he was expected to hold his own. The cult allowed him to be a pathetic sheep. That’s who the Children of the Black Sun desire in their midst. The only reason they were able to break Sunny was that she was a child. Yet they never owned her like they do her father. A part of her always knew they spoke lies.
Unlike the Children of the Black Sun, I challenge the strong rather than the weak. That’s why I can’t fear the cult that destroyed her childhood. Kenneth was nothing. The men Neri killed were useless. Those people have numbers, but they are not strong.
But I don’t point out these facts to Sunny. The memory of Kenneth’s death settles her anxiety enough for her to smile at a confused Anika.
“How do you say duck in Spanish?” she asks.
I poke the stuffed animal’s soft bill and say, “El pato.”
No longer wallowing in her fear and uncertainty, Sunny grabs for her future by learning how to say basic words in Spanish. We work on easy stuff like food, water, sleep, and home. Anika practices too even if she doesn’t know what we’re saying. It’ll take time for our life to come together, but they’re learning.
Despite the target practice gunfire nearby, we walk toward the house so Anika can go barefoot. Soon, we sit just outside a back door where the ground isn’t so stony, and I turn on music for them to enjoy.
Whenever the wind picks up, and Sunny’s hair blows around, Anika struggles not to laugh. I realize she’s likely never seen her mother look so wild. Finally, I chuckle at Sunny’s hair, so the child will understand there’s no harm in laughter. Once Anika starts giggling, she can’t stop. Sunny joins in, almost sounding hysterical.
Their laughter is another tiny step toward a life outside the evil shadow they’ve known for too long.
NERI
Cobain is not a man suited for people, but he clearly isn’t meant to be alone either. He claims he isn’t running a bed and breakfast, but I notice how much pride he takes in the food he offers us.
Then his handsome face lit up at the suggestion of target practice. I’m curious why he remains here despite knowing the other men are clearly never returning.
As Kai enjoys time with Sunny and Anika, I follow Cobain away from the house where we can shoot. The heavy weapon feels wonderful in my arms. I received my first gun when I was eight. Papa didn’t load it, but he wanted me to get used to the feel of it. I learned to always know where the weapon was on my body and to be aware of where I left it at all times. I didn’t get to fire a gun until I was twelve.
Papa insisted I know how to defend myself. He wanted the sa
me for Mama. At the shooting range, she did fine, but under pressure, she got flustered and didn’t remember to aim. This is why Papa doesn’t want Mama away from him for too long. She can’t protect herself, so he must keep her safe. At a young age, I learned if I wanted freedom that I needed to know how to fight and shoot.
Despite preparing for it, I’m startled by this weapon’s kick. The Russian gun is military-grade and shreds the old tree stump I aim at. I’m impressed by the power but worried I’ll injure my shoulder if I keep firing.
“Giving up?” Cobain taunts from nearby.
His eyes are hidden by dark glasses, and he wears a hoodie despite the mild temperatures.
“It’s too much gun for me,” I announce, knowing how he hates when I admit my weaknesses.
“Fair enough,” he says and offers me a handgun. “Think you can handle that one?”
I ignore his tone and take the weapon. Scanning the landscape, I aim for a leaf blowing in the wind. After my shot hits the mark, I search for another small, moving target. Killing a bird isn’t an option. I’ve always been weak about killing animals. I don’t even like fishing.
“How long did you know Nilsson and DeMarco?” I ask while taking another shot.
“A decade.”
“Did you always work in this godforsaken place?”
Cobain knows I’m doing a different kind of fishing. He considers remaining silent. After all, we’re strangers. He has no reason to share a single bit of his personal information with me. Cobain might not even be his real name. I’m just a favor he’s doing for a scary man. Best to embrace silence and leave me hanging.
But he’s lonely and wants to fuck me, so Cobain relents to my questioning.
“I worked in Los Angeles for a few years. When I pissed off too many people, I came north.”
“Did you know Nilsson and DeMarco before getting here?”
“No. I arrived at the safe house, looking for, you know, fucking safety. Then I remained here. I took jobs but only in the Midwest and on the East Coast.”
“When was the last job you took?”
“Two days ago, when your daddy asked me to save you.”
I smile at his snotty tone. “You did a very good job with that. If you were on Yelp, I’d leave you a positive review. Four stars out of five.”
Cobain grunts, probably wanting to know what he did to lose that fifth star. He doesn’t dare ask, though. The man’s not stupid. I find myself chuckling at his annoyed expression.
“Life’s a fucking beach, huh?” he grumbles.
“I grew up happy. I’m sorry if that offends your delicate sensibilities, Cobain.”
Moving too fast for me to escape, he wraps me in his arms from behind. My gun is now pressed downward as he lifts me off the ground.
“You pretend to be a pro, so what do you do now?” he taunts between clenched teeth.
“I can’t overwhelm you with strength,” I murmur after regaining my composure. “Sooner or later, you’ll need to let me go if you plan to rape me or tie me up. That’s when I’ll make my move. Until then, I remain calm.”
Devising a plan, I force my body limp in his arms and lean forward. His stance gets thrown off, and he ends up dropping me to avoid falling himself. I roll over and point the gun at him.
“Bang, bang, you’re dead, scary man!” I cry through laughter.
Cobain rolls his eyes, but I also catch him smiling. He offers me a hand, and I allow him to pull me to my feet. Of course, he yanks me too hard, forcing me to topple into him. That’s when he gets the kiss he’s been craving since first laying eyes on my fine self.
Cobain feels like a man should—powerful, demanding, and sexy. My free hand cups his bearded jaw as he deepens the kiss. His tongue owns mine, and I savor the way he dominates me. Then I press my knee between his legs to remind him of how much I love to hurt men in their private areas.
Frowning at me, he whispers, “You can’t let go and be a woman for a second, can you?”
“That kiss lasted far longer than a second, so quit bitching.”
Cobain wears an intimidating scowl, but I’m not fooled. He needed that kiss, and I’m sure he wants plenty more. Unfortunately for him, my father didn’t raise me to give anything away for free.
“If you do me a favor, I’ll share a bed with you tonight,” I offer and turn back to the targets. “Interested?”
“What favor?”
“I want my brother to enjoy time alone with Sunny tonight. Like a date where they can eat and spend time talking or fucking. Whatever they choose.”
“So?”
“So, I’ll need to watch the child. You can help me.”
“No fucking way,” he grunts, crossing his arms defiantly.
I frown at him over my shoulder. “Why are you afraid of children? They’re so small compared to you.”
Cobain smirks at my taunt. “I’m not babysitting anyone.”
“Fine. Then I won’t share a bed with you. Soon, we’ll leave, and I’ll never have a chance to offer you a treat.”
“You’re acting like a nutty twat again.”
“And I’ve offered you a taste, but you’re too frightened of a tiny human being to claim your prize.”
When my knee felt between Cobain’s legs minutes ago, I realized just how much interest he has in fucking me. I always forget men can walk around hard like that. My brother never seemed obsessed with sex, and Papa only has eyes for Mama. I might lack experience, but I know Cobain wants a taste before I leave.
“I’m not changing diapers.”
“She’s potty trained.”
“Whatever. I’m not doing anything disgusting.”
Chuckling, I fire a shot at a leaf floating in the strong breeze. “Your code name ought to be ‘Diva’ since you’re so high-maintenance and prissy.”
Cobain lets out uproarious laughter. “No one has ever referred to me as high-maintenance before.”
“But someone has called you prissy?”
“Yes,” he says, and some of the humor leaves his eyes.
“I got distracted,” I say and fire at another floating leaf. “Did you agree to cook dinner and help me babysit?”
“Now I’m cooking dinner for them?” he growls.
“You were already going to cook, weren’t you?”
Cobain wants to be angry, so he only shrugs at my attempt at logic. “You better be worth it.”
“I promise nothing,” I mutter. “I’m an untouched flower with no experience. I might be awful, but you’ll be the first man to find out.”
Narrowing his gaze, Cobain doesn’t believe me. Many men have a preconceived notion about virgin women my age. As if we should be shy or unattractive. I choose to ignore how he assumes I’m lying. Tonight, he might find out the truth.
But it’s just as likely he’ll do something annoying, and I’ll renege on my offer.
SUNNY
Anika asks for a nap now that she knows she won’t get punished. She rests in our bed, watching me with sleepy eyes. I feel like I should talk to her, but I don’t know what to say.
Kai is always using words, telling her what things are called, and trying to get her to speak more. I should do the same, but I’m still afraid of my own voice. Well, not as much when I’m agitated. Outside, I got so rattled that I forgot about holding my tongue.
Now, though, when we’re quiet, and I feel safe, I fall into my habit of silence. I’m afraid to say something that might ruin our current happiness.
I finally force myself to whisper the names of her toys. We call the ugly colorful one, “Doll,” and then there’s Duck and Tablet. She gives me a little smile when I say the words. Anika wants to talk more, but she won’t speak up unless I do it first. I’ve taught her to mirror my behavior. I submit, so she submits. I remain silent, so she does too.
To teach Anika new habits, I’ll need to learn them myself.
And if she needs to mimic me, then I want to mimic Kai.
He sits on the other bed. Whe
never I glance over my shoulder at him, Kai’s gaze finds me. Otherwise, he reads. Kai knows more than I can imagine. Right now, I can’t picture a world outside of what I’ve seen in the last week.
Once Anika is asleep, I sneak out of bed and walk to Kai. A soft, knowing smile warms his face as soon as my feet touch the floor. He knows exactly where I’m going and what I want.
His arms welcome me, and I soak in his strength. He is strong too. I shouldn’t forget what he did to Kenneth. Kai wasn’t afraid at all when he first knelt in front of me while the bloody shepherd whined on the ground. I’d been terrified, weak, pathetic. And there was Kai, perfect and powerful.
I smile at him, so thankful he found me. Kai kisses my lips softly. His affection isn’t like the shepherds. He’s patient as if he can wait forever. I can’t understand how he thinks or acts the way he does. Even after spending the last few days together, Kai remains a mystery.
Cuddled against his strong body, I wonder what normal girls are like at my age. Then I realize I don’t know how old I am since we didn’t celebrate birthdays at the homestead. Jedediah preached that celebrating our personal arrival in the world was disrespectful to the birth of the universe.
At some point, I lost track of my age. I feel as if I lived at the homestead for a long time before Anika was born. I remember how Elba said the old world poisoned my body, which was why I didn’t get my period and create life like the other girls.
What’s the normal age for a girl to get her period? I could probably use the phone to learn the answer, but I’d have to ask Kai, and I don’t want to explain why I want to know.
Despite being uncertain about my age, I’m sure Anika’s four. Another baby was born around the same time. When he died from a fever last season, I heard Elba say he spent four blessed years with the purest on Earth and now lived with God.
I decide I’ll be twenty-two like the age Cobain put on my identification papers.
“If you have a government asshole looking at the three of you,” he explained when Kai asked about the information, “making Sunny any younger will force the asshole to do math that you don’t want done. This way, she was legal when she popped out that one.”
Badlands (Spent Shells, #1) Page 10