My name is Sarah Grace James. Anika’s paperwork says she’s Anna Grace James.
Cobain explained, “Anika, Sunshine, those names are too unique. The key to staying off the radar is to be as bland as fuck. Why do you think my go-to ID says I’m Dan Smith from Omaha?”
“What about the Grace thing?” Neri pushed.
Cobain shrugged. “I couldn’t think of any other fucking middle names.”
On Anika’s birth certificate, Kai is named as her father. We had her in Florida, and I was born in Nevada. It’s a lot of random places I can’t point out on a map, but I do know those are states in this country.
“James,” I whisper to Kai so Anika won’t wake. “Is that your real name?”
Smiling, he nods and kisses my forehead. I shiver at the way his lips linger. At first, I hadn’t been sure Kai wanted me in the same way as the men at the homestead. His expression is never scary or disgusting like theirs. Kai’s gaze pulls me closer rather than inspiring me to run and fight.
If he wanted to be inside my body right now, I would welcome him. I know what sex is, and I know how to do it. Not good, probably. I hated sex, but that was okay. Women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex at the homestead. Giving into lust is wrong.
But I’m not on the homestead, and I feel lust for Kai. He’s handsome in a way that feels like a lie. I keep thinking I’ve tricked my brain. His golden-brown gaze can’t be so hypnotic, and his full lips aren’t so soft against mine.
I don’t know what women my age normally think when a handsome man holds them. I just know I want to feel under Kai’s shirt. I want to see him undressed. I want him to approve of me naked.
I’m curious about what sex can be like with a man so perfect. Even if I’m bad at it, I know Kai will teach me. He’ll want me to feel good too. He always makes sure I’m comfortable. I know he’ll be like that when we’re together.
That’s why I’m not afraid. It’s normal to want to feel good and be happy. What the people at the homestead do is weird and wrong. At lunch, Neri called them freaks, and Cobain said they were crazy cult losers. That’s how these people see the Children of the Black Sun, and these people are the best people I’ve known since my mom.
I’m going to be like my new friends. Though I might take a while to get the hang of thinking like Kai and Neri, I know I can learn. I had trouble in the beginning at the homestead. Even scared and alone, I struggled to fall in line. But with time, I learned.
And I will learn now for Kai, Anika, and me.
NERI
Getting Cobain to talk about himself is like pulling teeth from a mule. He won’t stand still, glares a lot, and gets aggressive when cornered. I’ve had easier conversations with men tied to chairs.
However, I do gain a few nuggets of information from Cobain over our day together. His mother was Iranian. His father was “a giant Swede from the United States.” At first, he makes it seem like they barely knew each other, and he was created during a one-night stand. Cobain tends to talk around topics. Like he grew up in Iran, but he was born in the United States. His father met his mother overseas. Somewhere in Europe, I think.
He tells stories with lots of pointless details—a random man got his education in Germany, a random woman died of anaphylactic shock from tomatoes in Italy—while sneaking in real information that makes me believe his mother worked at an embassy and his father was CIA. Of course, Cobain might not know the truth and only adds plausible tidbits to test if I’m paying attention.
Or Cobain’s been alone for so long that he’s lost the ability to engage in normal conversation. I decide he’s both testing me and horrible at human interaction.
I pick up clues about him from his appearance and knowledge. For one thing, Cobain didn’t grow up poor. His teeth are the kind of perfect that comes from years of braces.
His fluent Spanish tells me he spent considerable time around native speakers and didn’t learn from classes.
The way he holds his weapons reveals his instruction wasn’t military-based.
His cooking choices might seem basic, but the flavors are deep. I suspect he traveled extensively beyond the United States and Europe.
I even find myself wondering if his mother’s job at the embassy was a cover. Did she work for a spy agency like his father?
What I am certain about is that Cobain has no family or friends. The two people who lived here weren’t close to him, but they were all he had, and now they’re gone. Cobain understands they’re not coming back. He won’t admit it, but more than once, he mentions how he ought to put down the dog so it’ll stop waiting around for Nilsson to return.
“What’s the dog’s name?” I ask while helping him with lunch. This is a question Kai asked last night, and Cobain never answered.
“Dogs don’t need names.”
“Is that your subtle way of saying you don’t remember his name? Or does he have a name that embarrasses you, and you’re afraid to blush in front of me?”
“I plan to blush the shit out of you tonight,” he growls, which I take to mean he doesn’t like the dog’s name. Cobain isn’t that hard to read.
At lunch, he gives Anika the evil eye until she notices, gets scared, and climbs in her mom’s lap. Then I give Cobain the evil eye until he leaves the room. Then I follow after him, asking why he’s afraid of children. He just flips me off, shuts his bedroom door, and then loudly says something in a language I don’t understand.
I ought to leave him alone. Instead, I knock at the door for ten minutes before he answers.
“What?” he demands.
“Lunch was very good. Thank you,” I say and smile brightly before walking away.
My father taught me that if I never expect people to behave, they won’t. Humans are naturally selfish and stupid. We need prompting to improve.
Well, for as long as Cobain remains in my life—meaning another day or two—he needs to remember his manners and stop scaring the child.
“What if he snaps and murders you?” Kai asks me in Spanish after lunch as we sit at the kitchen table, and Anika watches ducks on her tablet.
“You will avenge me. Papa will no doubt help.”
“Yes, he’ll definitely want to be involved.”
Sharing his smile, I add, “Tonight, you and Sunny can sneak away for some private time. Like a date. I’ll watch Anika, and Cobain will watch me watching her.”
Kai isn’t fully on board with my plan. He glances at Sunny. Like her daughter, she watches the tablet while wearing a smile. They really are impressed by the smallest things. When Anika sees something funny, she starts to laugh and then looks to her mother for permission.
“That breaks my heart,” I tell Kai, who waits to see if they can remain relaxed.
“The ducks are chasing that man,” Sunny snickers, and Anika giggles.
Kai smiles at them and then me. “We’ll try your date idea, but don’t be upset if it doesn’t work.”
“It’ll be great.”
And I’m right for a while. During dinner, I keep Anika focused on me and the tablet at one end of the dining room table while Sunny and Kai talk about surfing and guava. Cobain keeps frowning at my brother, which is preferable to him frowning at Anika.
I’m very proud of my ability to engage with the child. She is barely verbal, but I encourage her to speak even if what she says makes little sense. After dinner, Anika is so entranced by my efforts that she doesn’t notice her mom and Kai sneak away while we watch TV.
Nearby, Cobain sits on a couch and stares blankly at the wall. I suspect the cartoon irritates him. I’m not a fan of how loud the characters are either, but my goal isn’t to watch the show. It’s to distract a little girl for an hour.
I’m doing a fabulous job until—out of nowhere—Anika realizes her mother is no longer in the room. I don’t know what tips her off or why she goes from noticing to immediately panicked.
“Mama?” Anika whispers, looking around. Her voice rises when she asks, “Mama, home?”
“Here,” Cobain grumbles and shoves a tablet at me. “She can see her right there.”
I’m in such a hurry to calm the panicking child that I never consider whether Anika will understand how her mother is not, in fact, inside the tablet. When she heard someone speaking on the phone earlier, she looked under it to see if the person was hiding.
So, of course, seeing her mother and Kai on the little screen, Anika lets out a horrifying wail that I feel to my bones. Tears flow quickly as she hugs the tablet.
Cobain doesn’t help by stomping toward the door. What kind of babysitter bails when a child is in need? No fun times for him tonight!!!
Feeling awful, I hold a crying Anika who pushes her head against the tablet. I think she’s trying to get inside to her mom. She’s so frightened, and I’m the reason. I make grown men cry, not children.
Before I can carry her to where Sunny and Kai snuggle, Cobain appears with them at his side.
“Fix that,” he demands of Sunny, who hurries to her daughter.
Anika sees her mother, looks at the screen no longer containing her mom, and gives up by going limp in my arms. Her confusion is all too much.
Only when Kai hugs me do I realize I’m crying.
My brother gives me a soft smile. “She’s just a baby in so many ways. It’s not your fault.”
“Sneaking off was a bad idea. She didn’t understand.”
“We’ll do it differently next time. Show her how the tablet works the best we can, so she understands we’re not inside it.”
I shoot an angry look at Cobain, who flips me off. Kai shakes his head but says nothing to the jerk.
Unlike yesterday, Sunny doesn’t panic when Anika gets upset. She sits in a chair and rocks the girl until her tears end.
“It was scary,” Sunny whispers to Anika.
“Mama, home?”
“Mama is right here,” Sunny says softly. “Anika is right here. Duck is right here. Doll is right here. Kai is right here. Neri is right here. We’re all right here.”
Tired now, Anika wants to remain with her mom, and date night is a bust.
“I’m sorry,” I tell Kai.
“It was almost thirty minutes of alone time. I’m sure that’s far more than most parents get when their children are young.”
His response is why my brother is my best friend. He always finds a way to make the world seem better than it is.
In his heart, he believes love and time will fix Sunny and Anika. They’ll be healthy like our parents are healthy. Meaning fucked-up at times but usually happy. My mother didn’t know how to read when she met my father. Now she can. My father once said he didn’t like anyone touching him. Now he cuddles all the time. Well, only with Mama, Kai, and me, but that still counts.
So, yes, I will believe in his dream. Once we’re out of this evil land filled with terrible people, Sunny and Anika will blossom.
As the night drags on, I’m very aware we’re leaving this compound soon. At any moment, we might have to pack up and go. In fact, most of our stuff is already in the new SUV.
I hope the Children of the Black Sun will believe we’ve gotten away, so they’ll return to their hellish compounds to pray to the dirt or whatever they believe. But deep inside, I know getting out of this country could still prove difficult.
Kai, Sunny, and Anika retire to bed before nine. I sit in the living room, watching international news, and wondering where Cobain went off to earlier. Normally, he lingers nearby. I pretend he’s watching me because I’m so fetching, but I think he just doesn’t trust strangers in his house.
Searching for the crazed ape, I wonder if he’s in one of his milder moods. I knock only once before the door flies open.
Cobain looks like an enraged angel with his thick hair loose and dark eyes fuming.
“Did you forget your reward?” I ask when he only snarls at me.
“I don’t want to fuck you.”
“And why is that?” I ask, startled by his sudden coldness.
“I figure you’re lying about the virgin thing, and I don’t know where to get treatment for crabs around here.”
Despite him clearly meaning to hurt my feelings, I burst into laughter. He rolls his eyes and walks back to his bed without even attempting to shut the door. Cobain is well versed with my willingness to knock until he gives in. Between us, I’m the far more patient one, and I’ll outlast him every time.
“You’re so adorable,” I snicker, shutting the door behind me. “With you so nervous, I suspect you’re a virgin too.”
“Go away,” he says, dropping dramatically onto his queen-size bed. “I’m sick of you and your obnoxious group. The kid screams. Everyone’s always crying. Your brother acts stoned. And your nutty twat is giving me hives.”
I know he’s trying to get my back up, but that “nutty” thing amuses me to no end. Sitting on the edge of his bed, I admire the good genetics before me. Cobain’s powerful body stretches out like a delicious buffet. Unfortunately, I’m not particularly hungry.
“This bed is trash,” I say, bouncing on it. “There’s no support.”
“It’s not a fucking Hilton.”
“Look, I understand that you don’t care about the beds for your guests. We’re here for a few days and then gone. Our comfort isn’t your concern, but you live here. This is your castle, and you should invest in a decent mattress.”
“This bed is fine.”
“A man your size needs a big bed with a better mattress,” I say and then add, “Especially at your age.”
Cobain reaches for my arm and yanks me down against him. He doesn’t kiss me, though. Resting on his back, he stares at the unpainted ceiling.
“Your life saddens me, Cobain.”
“Your mouth irritates me, Neri.”
Grinning, I nuzzle closer. “Why are you playing hard to get tonight? Do you worry you’ll miss me terribly when I’m gone?”
“A little maybe. I haven’t enjoyed a virgin pussy in a long time. I might get addicted, and then I’ll suffer from withdrawal when you run back to Paraguay.”
“You know that’s not where I’m from.”
“It’s all the same to me.”
Sitting up, I pull my hair loose from its bun, so I can rest more comfortably. Then I relax on my side and stare at his broad shoulder hidden under a black, long-sleeved shirt. The quiet feels nice until I hear a weird noise and sit up.
“What was that?”
“The dog is in the corner.”
“He sleeps in here with you,” I coo while reclining. “You love him.”
“If he were mine, I’d have put a bullet in his ancient head a long time ago.”
“No, you wouldn’t have,” I insist, just to toy with him. “You love the dog. He’s your best friend. It’s adorable.”
“I’m not fucking you tonight.”
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
Cobain surprises me by laughing. “Nuttiest twat I’ll ever meet.”
“Probably.”
We fall into silence for a long time. I even find myself yawning in the dimly lit room. I know I should leave, but there’s comfort in Cobain’s presence. He’s a crude, sullen ape. Handsome, though. Powerful too. I always smile when I think of him appearing from under the tarp and ripping those men apart with his big gun.
“I’m too tired to move,” I whisper. “Can I sleep in here for a while?”
“No.”
“Do you plan to throw me out?”
“No.”
“Are we at an impasse then?”
“Seems that way.”
“Then I’ll sleep now and move to my bed later. Wake me if you become frightened.”
I don’t need to see his face to know Cobain is smiling. He enjoys when I taunt him for being afraid, weak, or childlike. We spent a lot of time together today, and I’ve learned just the right way to poke him.
Otherwise, we remain strangers. Considering I’ll be gone soon, Cobain is no doubt savvy to keep me at arm
’s length. For both of our sakes.
SUNNY
Kai shoves his twin bed up against the one Anika and I share. It’s a tight fit, but he wants to be closer. I get wild giggles when I realize what he’s doing. Anika doesn’t know why I’m laughing, but she laughs too. She loves to make noise.
“It’s impossible to me that I ever lived happily without you,” he says, turning off the small lamp and leaving only his charging phone to light the room. “Now, you two own my heart.”
“I’ll give you everything,” I blurt out and then mumble, “That was dumb.”
“Nothing you feel is dumb,” he says and climbs on the second bed. “Tired, Anika?”
My daughter cuddles her toys and nods. When she doesn’t use words, he asks her to say, “Night, night.” She does, and he gives her a big smile. Anika looks at me to see if I noticed how she did a good job. I kiss her head, understanding how wonderful Kai’s praise feels.
Even after a nap, Anika is exhausted. She wore herself out playing most of the evening and then got so upset when she thought I left her and went back to the homestead. After five minutes in the dark room, she’s asleep with her face pressed against my chest.
I reach across her body and run my fingers down Kai’s bare arm. His skin is so warm, and I shiver at the thoughts in my head.
“There’s so much time for what you’re thinking,” he whispers. “When we’re home, Anika will grow comfortable staying with Neri and my parents. You and I can be alone, and we’ll have time to explore.”
“I’ll learn what you like.”
Kai takes my hand and kisses the tips of my fingers. “And I’ll learn what you like.”
Breathing unsteadily, I know Kai isn’t lying. He does care if I’m happy, but I still feel as if I need to prove I’m worth the effort. I don’t always understand what he sees in me. There must be other women who need saving. Better women than me.
But I’m blessed to have a gift like Kai. While I don’t want to displease him, I know I will. I probably already have, but he’s so hard to read.
Badlands (Spent Shells, #1) Page 11