by Mark Roeder
I looked up in time to see three white tails disappearing into the distance. I’m sure Casper’s shout ensured that that was the last we’d see of those deer, but we’d probably spooked them before that anyway. Casper was smiling, his eyes wide with wonder.
“Haven’t seen many deer huh?” I asked.
“No, I’ve seen some just a couple of times, near the cemetery.”
“There’s lot of them out here, deer and all kinds of animals. There are even wild turkeys sometimes.”
Casper looked about as if expecting to see something else interesting just then. I loved the way his eyes sparkled when he was curious about something. He looked at everything like he was seeing it for the first time ever. In many ways, he was very innocent.
“When we went to Tennessee, we saw big herds of buffalo,” I said. “We even saw a couple of eagles at Land between the Lakes, and a rattlesnake. You ever been down there?” I asked.
“I’ve never been much of anywhere. I’ve never been very far outside of town.”
“You’re kidding right?” I said, smiling, thinking Casper was making some kind of joke.
“No,” he said.
“Not even Paducah, or Madisonville, or Hopkinsville?”
“No, I never been anywhere like that.” He was suddenly very quiet and the smile faded from his lips.
“Well, we’ll have to go places then, lots of places. There’s a lot to see outside of our dinky little town.”
“I’d sure like that, but I bet I’d be scared in a big town.”
“You’ll be fine. We’ll be together. There won’t be anything to fear.”
I liked the thought of taking Casper to see new things and new places. I knew he was poor and didn’t have the opportunities that I did. I was happy to be able to share new things with him. Taking Casper to all the places I loved would be like getting to experience them for the first time all over again.
What was I thinking? I had to watch myself. I kept acting within my own mind as if Casper was my boyfriend and we were going to be living our whole lives together. I got lost in my own little fantasy world and then got hurt all over again when I woke up from it. It was kind of like having a wonderful dream only to wake up and find that I didn’t have what I thought I did.
I shoved the unhappy thoughts out of the way, as if they were linemen standing between me and a touchdown. I wouldn’t let them stop me. I was determined that today was going to be a great day and I wasn’t going to let myself ruin it by crying over what I wanted and couldn’t have. Instead, I’d focus on what I did have, and that was a very dear friend.
We walked on and on through the forest. It was as if it had no end. There was little breeze under the great canopy of leaves and sweat streamed down my torso. I didn’t mind. I liked to sweat. There was something about it that made me feel vital and alive.
“You do know where we’re going right? I mean, we’re not going to get lost in here, are we?”
“Don’t worry Casper. I know where we’re going. We couldn’t get lost in here if we tried. Even if we missed the farm and kept on going beyond it, we’d hit another road within an hour. There’s a large stream to the south, and another road to the north. We’re in a big square bordered by something in every direction. An hour’s walk in any direction and we’d hit something that would get us home. And anyway, we aren’t going to get lost. I’ve run around in these woods for years.”
“That’s good; we could get awfully hungry out here.”
“I’m getting hungry right now. Why don’t we stop and have some lunch?”
We halted under the shade of a giant oak tree. It looked like it had stood there for time out of mind. I couldn’t even have begun to reach around it. I slipped the backpack off my shoulder and pulled out sandwiches, chips, soft drinks, and all kinds of snacks, including my favorite, chocolate chip cookies with pecans in them.
We sat on the grass and gorged ourselves. We sat in silence for several minutes. We were far too busy eating to talk. Instead we just enjoyed each other’s company and the beauty of our surroundings. I loved being out in the woods. Sometimes I slipped off by myself and walked there alone under the great trees. It was so quiet and peaceful and the trees didn’t care who I found attractive, or who I dreamed of at night. They weren’t judgmental like people. I often felt that I wanted to live out there, just me and the trees, then I wouldn’t have to pretend to be something I wasn’t. I guess that wouldn’t have been the best, however. There would have been no need to hide my attraction to other boys because there would’ve been no other boys. I didn’t think I could handle that. I had way too much fun looking at them.
I realized that Casper was staring at me as I was lost in thought. I turned to him and smiled.
“What are you thinking?” I asked.
“Can I ask you a question?” he said.
“You just did,” I teased “but sure, go ahead and ask.” I was a little nervous. I was afraid he was going to ask me something about being gay.
“What’s it like to be so handsome, so muscular, and so popular?”
“I’m not sure how to answer that,” I said. I could feel myself turning a little red with embarrassment. I thought for a moment. “It’s really cool, but I guess saying that makes me sound conceited, like I’m agreeing with you that I’m handsome and all that.”
“Well, you are good looking, Brendan. Why is that so hard to admit?”
“You’re even better looking,” I told him. Casper blushed and ducked his head. “See. It’s hard to take a compliment isn’t it? You are the cutest boy I’ve ever seen in my life, Casper, so I think you should know what it’s like to be handsome.”
Casper could hardly look at me. I don’t think I’d ever seen him so shy before. It made him cuter than ever.
“I never thought of myself as cute,” he said.
“Well, I don’t really think of myself as handsome. I just look the way I look is all. I mean, I know I’m not ugly, but I don’t think I’m all that special looking, you know?”
“Yeah, I understand, but you are. Maybe it just takes someone else to see it. So, answer my question.”
“Well, I guess it’s cool, but it’s kind of a pain too, looking like I do that is. I have a lot of girls looking at me all the time, and I don’t really like it. It puts pressure on me. I feel like everyone knows they are looking and like I’m expected to do something about it. The thing is, I don’t like girls. I mean, I’m not attracted to them, so having them think I’m good looking just causes trouble.”
“I guess I can see that,” said Casper. He seemed much more at ease talking about me being gay. That made me feel really good about myself. “How ‘bout being built? I’d give anything to be built like you. Now don’t get all modest on me, just answer.”
I smiled. “Okay, it feels really good to be honest, but I’m not talking about looking built, I’m talking about feeling strong. I love to feel strong. It just makes me feel good about myself. I started working out because I wanted to look muscular, but I kept doing it because of the way it made me feel.”
“I wish I could feel like that.”
“You can, Casper.”
“Yeah right! You know what everyone calls me, ‘Casper The Friendly Runt.’ I could never be built like you.”
“But you could, Casper. You just have to work on it. Tell you what; if you’re interested, I have a weight machine at home. I work out three times a week. You can come and work out with me.”
“I’d be embarrassed.”
“Why?”
“I couldn’t lift anything I bet.”
“It doesn’t matter where you start Casper, just that you start. If you get into it and keep going, you’ll get real big muscles. I think you look just fine like you are, but if you want to be stronger, then I can help you.”
“I would like that.”
“Then let’s do it, Casper. It’ll be fun.”
“Yeah, right!”
“No really. I know it looks li
ke work, and it kinda is, but when you get into it, it’s enjoyable. I look forward to it. It will be twice as much fun with you there. So what do you say?”
“I say ‘yes’,” he said.
“Great! Just you wait and see.”
We gathered up the wrappers and bottles and stuffed it all in my backpack and headed out once more. Far to the southwest we could hear a distant rumbling that warned of bad weather, but in the forest it was still fine and hot. We followed a faint trail under the trees, probably made by passing deer and other animals. We passed through open meadows with great bunches of blackberry bushes. It was too late in the season for blackberries, however.
The rumble to the southwest grew ever nearer and within minutes seemed to be almost on top of us. The sky darkened and the wind got up. The warm, moist air in the woods was colliding with a mass of cold air heading our way. I knew that a terrific thunderstorm was bearing down upon us. We pushed on; the only shelter for miles was the abandoned farm ahead.
The clouds burst as we walked into a great clearing. There was the farm before us, partially obscured by the falling rain. In the distance was a large barn and various outbuildings, before us was the big, two story farmhouse with most of the windows of the lower story boarded up.
The cool rain felt good on my naked chest, but it was beginning to soak my shorts. The sky quickly darkened further and great flashes of lightning added sudden brilliance to our newly dimmed surroundings. Suddenly, the lightening was terrifyingly close and we scurried for shelter.
I ran around the back of the farmhouse, with Casper close on my heels. There was a window where the boards had fallen off and we pulled ourselves inside. We were safe from the elements for the time being.
“It sure is dark in here,” said Casper fearfully.
“Hold on,” I said and rummaged through my pack. I pulled out a large flashlight. “See, I’m not just a big, dumb jock, I can think ahead,” I said with a laugh and turned on the light.
We were in what must have once been the kitchen. There was a rusting hulk of a wood stove in one corner and built-in cabinets along one wall. There was even an old table still sitting in the middle of the room. It was rickety and would soon be like the ruins of chairs that lay on the floor where they had collapsed under their own weight long ago. There was an old sink with a pitcher pump for water along another wall. I gave it a try, but nothing came out except dust and rust. Remnants of old wallpaper clung to the walls.
“This is pretty cool,” said Casper.
“There’s lots more, let’s explore,” I said.
I led Casper through an open doorway and into a hall. Directly across the hall was what must’ve once been the living room or parlor, but it was empty. There were water stains running down the outer wall and we couldn’t walk too far into the room because the floor creaked and threatened to collapse on us. We returned to the hall and followed it until we came to a closed door. I opened it and there was nothing but darkness within. A stair led down.
“Let’s not go down there,” said Casper. I could tell he was scared. Something about the basement made the hair rise on the back of my neck and I was no more eager to go downstairs than Casper.
“We couldn’t if we wanted to,” I said, casting light on the stairs. About a third of the way down, the stairway stopped. The bottom section had broken away.
I closed the door and we headed back the way we had come. It was very dark inside, because it was cloudy out and the windows were boarded up, but it must have been quite a nice place to live at one time. I’d been there before with my uncle long ago, but we’d only looked from the outside, peeking in the cracks in the windows. I’d always wanted to get inside that place and have a real look around. I was glad I was not alone. It was kinda creepy in there.
We found the stairway that led to the second floor. Luckily it was far sounder than the one leading into the basement. We followed it upstairs. The second floor hallway was littered with fallen plaster and wallpaper. It was lighter than downstairs, however. The storm outside kept things dim, but the windows on the second floor weren’t boarded up like they were on the ground floor and some light got in. There were rather large windows at either end of the hall and I imagined it must be quite a bright place on a sunny day.
The wind rattled the old windows. An occasional rumble of thunder shook the house and flashes of lightning lit up the interior like day every few seconds. The rain began to really hammer down and there was a constant drip, drip where the roof was leaking. I felt kind of sad that the old home was in such disrepair. I wondered about the family who had once lived there. They were likely dead and gone, but it seemed a shame for their old house to become such a ruin.
The upper floor was all bedrooms. Most of them were empty, but in one there was still an old bed. It had collapsed and lay where it fell. It looked like no one ever went into that old house.
Casper and I sat down on the mattress and rested. We’d been walking for at least a couple of hours and it felt good to get the weight off our feet. The light was dim, but we could see well enough. The rain fell down ever harder outside and it felt all warm and cozy inside the old farmhouse.
I stretched out my legs. My tired muscles were glad of the change. Casper stretched out beside me. I could tell he was tired.
“This place wouldn’t be too bad fixed up,” said Casper. “I wonder who owns it.”
“My parents,” I said.
“Really?”
“Yeah, they bought all this land as one of their investments. The farm came with it, not that it’s worth much. It’s sure interesting to explore, however.”
“Yeah,” said Casper. “I like this place. I don’t think I’d want to be here at night, but I like it in the daytime.”
“Don’t worry, we’ll leave long before dark.”
“Good.”
We dug some more cookies and chips out of my pack and sat in the middle of the room munching on goodies. As we talked I found myself getting lost in Casper’s face. There was just something about it that made me want to keep looking. If my dreams could have come true, he would have suddenly looked at me and told me that he loved me, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen. Life wasn’t a dream and dreams didn’t come true like that. There were no magic lamps that granted wishes.
It was cooler now, but the moist air still felt warm on the bare skin of my chest and back. I looked at Casper’s slim torso. It was easy to make out his build under his wet shirt. He was unbelievably thin. He was beautiful, however, so beautiful that it made my heart ache with longing. I think I would’ve loved Casper no matter what he looked like. He was attractive to be sure, but it was something within him that really drew me to him.
Without thinking I leaned over, drawing ever nearer to Casper’s delicate, red lips. I’d dreamed of kissing those lips so often that I felt as if I was within a dream. I think I could have died happy if I could kiss him just once. I was head over heels in love with that little blond boy and nothing in the world would ever change that. I leaned in, pressed my lips to his, and kissed him.
I jerked back, my eyes wide. I felt all the color drain from my face as I realized what I’d just done. A wave of remorse and self-hatred swept over me.
“Casper, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean…”
I didn’t have time to finish. Casper grabbed my face with both hands, pulled me to him, and gave me the most passionate kiss of my life. When his lips parted from mine, I just sat back and stared at him, my mouth hanging open, stunned.
Casper
I almost laughed out loud at the look on Brendan’s face just after I kissed him. I don’t think there is anything I could’ve done that would’ve shocked him more.
“But why?” he asked, exasperated. I could tell he was thoroughly confused. “We need to talk,” I said.
“No fuck,” he said, smiling. The smile instantly faded from his lips, however. “Just one thing, Casper, you’re not messing with me are you? Please don’t mess with me. You have
no idea how cruel that would be.” He looked as if he were ready to cry. It was such a sudden change that it seemed unreal.
“No, Brendan, I’m not messing with you.” The smile was back in an instant. “Then why, Casper? Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing I could have wanted more, but I don’t understand.”
“It was me that didn’t understand, about a lot of things,” I said. “I’ve kinda suspected that I was into boys, that I was gay, for quite a while now. Okay, I didn’t suspect it, I knew it. I just didn’t want to admit it, even to myself. I’ve always thought it was something really gross and disgusting. I didn’t think there could be anything worse. So when you put your hand on my leg that night and, you know, I just couldn’t handle it. I thought you were going to do something to me like my brother…”
My voice faltered as I realized what I’d just said. I hadn’t meant to tell Brendan about my brother. I guess I had such trust in him that my guard wasn’t up.
“What about your brother?” asked Brendan. There was concern and fear in his voice.
“Fuck.” That was all I could say. I’d screwed up big time. I’d let slip the very thing I didn’t want Brendan to know about.
99 “Casper?”
I didn’t say a word. I just looked down at the floor.
“Casper?”
“Just forget I said it, okay?”
“No,” said Brendan, shaking his head. “Your brother has done something to
you, hasn’t he? Something bad.”
“Just let it go.”
“No. I can’t just let it go. If he’s hurting you, if he’s doing something bad to
you, I’m not going to stand by and let it happen. Tell me.” He spoke so earnestly that I wanted to tell him everything, but it was hard. I was ashamed. “Please.” With one word I begged him to let me off the hook.
“No, Casper. You can’t keep a secret like that. Not if he’s hurting you. He is hurting you, isn’t he? You’ve got to tell me, Casper. I can’t bear the thought of anyone hurting you. I love you.”
I looked up into his eyes. They were filled with tears. He had said that he loved me, and this time I believed him. I could hear it in his voice. It seemed too good to be true. Was it even possible?” I think he could read the question in my eyes.