by Mark Roeder
“Yes, Casper, I love you. I’ve loved you since the first time I saw you. You don’t know what you mean to me.” He hugged me tight and cried onto my shoulder. Brendan, the captain of the football team, the popular jock with muscles bulging out everywhere, had just told me he loved me and was crying on my shoulder. It seemed like a weird dream, and yet a dream better than any I could have dreamed. I wrapped my arms around him and held him close.
“I, I love you too, Brendan.” I didn’t know it until I said the words. I didn’t realize I loved him until that very moment. The feeling had been with me for I don’t know how long, but it was disguised as friendship and more. Tears filled my eyes and I smiled with a happiness that I’d never felt before.
Brendan leaned back and looked into my eyes. “Then you must tell me, Casper. Tell me what he’s done to you.”
The smile faded from my lips in an instant.
“I can’t. It’s too terrible. I’m so ashamed.”
“Casper, tell me.” Brendan took my chin in his hand and gently, but firmly, made me look into his eyes. For a long time I didn’t say anything. It was just too hard. Finally, after what seemed like forever, it burst from my lips.
“He beats on me,” I said. There was a long pause before I spoke again. “He molests me.” I swallowed hard, pausing even longer. “Sometimes, he rapes me.” I started crying. I turned my back to Brendan. “I’m so ashamed, don’t look at me!” Brendan grabbed my chin again and forced me to look at him.
“You have nothing to be ashamed of Casper. You haven’t done anything wrong. You hear me? This isn’t you fault. You didn’t cause this. It isn’t your fault, Casper. It’s your brother, that sick bastard.”
Brendan’s eyes narrowed with hatred. I think he would have ripped Jason to pieces if he’d been there just then. I started crying again. It was all too much. I felt a great weight lifted from my shoulders as I shared my deepest, darkest secret with Brendan. Part of me was glad I’d told him. Part of me just wanted to crawl under a rock and hide. Brendan and I sat there, crying into each others shoulders. It felt good to be held like that. It felt good to have someone care about me again. No one had cared about me since my mother had died. I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore.
Later, when the tears stopped, we stood and looked out the window. The rain had slacked and was nearly over. We made our way downstairs and out the window. It was still cloudy and dim outside, but the light seemed blinding after the darkness of the old farmhouse. We walked toward the barn, passing an ancient well. It looked like one of those wishing wells you see in books.
“So that’s why you freaked out in the park that night, isn’t it? You thought I was like your brother. I’m so sorry, Casper. I didn’t know.”
“It’s all right, Brendan. How could you have known? No one knows. Well, my dad might, but he doesn’t care. I did think you were like my brother that night. That’s why I fought you, and got out of that car as fast as I could. I was so scared, and so hurt. I was so happy we’d become friends, and then…”
“You thought I was just using you.”
“Yeah, I did. But then later, in the cemetery, and after, I got to thinking how it didn’t make sense. If you’d wanted me like that, you could have had me. I couldn’t have stopped you in the cemetery, but you didn’t do anything. And in the park before that, if you’d wanted to do something to me, you wouldn’t have tried it there. You’d have taken me someplace where there was no help. I’m sorry I ever thought that about you, Brendan. That was horrible of me.”
“No, it wasn’t. I shouldn’t have come onto you like that. I should have used a little more sense. It’s just that I wanted you so bad. I wanted to be with you. I couldn’t control myself anymore. I’ve had these feelings for all these years and I’ve never been able to do anything about them, and then you came along. I fell for you on the spot. I thought I’d finally found someone. I should have just told you how I felt. Maybe I am just a dumb jock sometimes.”
I smiled at Brendan. It was hard to take it all in. So much was happening so fast. I felt like we’d lived a whole year in the last few minutes. We both grew silent as we neared the old barn. It was weather-beaten, but still had traces of red paint. It was amazingly well preserved. We walked in the open door. The sky above was beginning to clear and shafts of light fell through the cracks in the walls. The barn still smelled faintly of hay. I almost expected to find horses or something in there.
“Listen, Casper,” said Brendan, “about your brother. I know that was really hard to tell me. It took a lot of courage. I can’t even imagine how bad things have been for you, but all that’s over. I’ll take care of you. I won’t let him hurt you anymore.”
I smiled sadly and hugged Brendan tight. It felt so good to be hugged. I leaned back and looked at Brendan. We just stood there looking into each others eyes for a few moments. He looked like he wanted to kiss me again, but he didn’t. Brendan was a little shy about doing that. So was I. I knew things would get easier with time; we’d just have to take it slow.
We explored the barn a little. There were a few old tools still hanging on square nails. The timbers that framed the barn on the inside were huge, handhewn out of great logs. They were all held together by wooden pegs. I couldn’t imagine how anyone could build such a thing.
We climbed a worn ladder into the loft, but Brendan had barely stuck his head above the floor when there was a horrible screech that just about caused me to go in my pants. We both jumped down and bolted outside. My heart tried to fight its way out of my chest and my breath came in gasps. I turned to Brendan; he was holding his hand to his chest. We looked into each others eyes and laughed.
“Aren’t we a couple of cowards?” said Brendan.
“What was that?”
“An owl, I think. I thought it had me. Don’t tell anyone!”
“Your secret is safe with me. I ‘bout had an accident in my pants.” We laughed at ourselves again.
We stood there for a few moments looking around us at the old, overgrown farm. Everywhere there was evidence of what once had been; unkempt lilac and snowball bushes near the house, half broken down fences trailing away into the distance, old farm machinery rusting away, a battered weather vane still clinging to the top of the barn. It was a spooky place with its stillness and absence of life, but I felt an attachment to it. It was peaceful and beautiful, even in its dilapidated state. I could just imagine how wonderful it must have been when it was a working farm. I wished that Brendan and I could live someplace like that, where everything was quiet and beautiful, and there were no bullies—a better place.
“We’d better start back. It’s a long hike and I sure don’t want to be out here when it starts to get dark,” said Brendan.
“Me either.”
I took one last look at the old farm and then followed Brendan back into the forest. My head was spinning with all that had happened on our trek into the woods.
* * * Just after school on Monday, I walked out the back entrance to meet Brendan. We were going to spend a little time together before he had football practice. I’d also asked him to talk to the coach about something for me.
I looked up and saw Brendan standing there. He wasn’t alone, however. He was facing my brother Jason and the two of them were exchanging heated words. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but I had little doubt as to what they were arguing about. By the time I got near, things were getting violent.
“You fucking son of a bitch!” yelled Brendan as he punched Jason in the face.
In a flash Brendan and Jason were all over each other. They were a big blur of flying fists, rolling around on the ground, looking like they were trying to kill each other. A few guys ran up and watched with me. I felt helpless just standing there, but I was sure Brendan didn’t need any help from me. My brother was tough, but Brendan was even tougher. I was sure that Jason had met his match at last.
It wasn’t long before Jason was on his back with Brendan kneeling on his chest, be
ating the shit out of him.
“You ever touch him again and I’ll fuck you up so bad you’ll be begging me to kill you! You hear me? Just once fucker and you’re finished!”
Brendan was slugging him in the face the entire time he was threatening him. He was pounding him so hard I thought he’d break Jason’s neck. Jason was cowering, trying to fend off the blows. He wasn’t even trying to fight back anymore.
Brendan stopped hitting Jason and slowly got up off of him. I could tell by the look on his face that he would have rather kept pounding on Jason. Brendan was pissed and I knew it was because of what I’d told him my brother had done to me. I had no idea he was going to hunt Jason down and kick his ass, but I guess it shouldn’t have surprised me. After all, Brendan had told me he’d take care of Jason. He’d done it. As I stood there, I started to feel safe for the first time in my life. I knew that Brendan wouldn’t let my brother hurt me, ever again.
Brendan limped a little as he walked toward me and there was a scrape on this face. Other than that, there was no evidence he’d just been in a fight. My brother looked much worse. He was lying on the grass moaning, with a busted lip and eyes that were about swollen shut. Brendan put his hand on my shoulder and we walked away.
“If he gives you any trouble, Casper, you let me know. I’ll take care of him. Don’t let him try and pull any shit on you either. If he threatens to hurt you if you tell, just tell him you know he won’t because I’ll kick his ass. And if he tries to bring in friends to get me, I’ve got friends too. I’ll have the whole football team after his sorry ass if he hurts you again.”
“Thanks, Brendan,” I said, smiling. I wanted to hug him right then and there, but I knew that wasn’t wise. I also knew that Brendan didn’t want it. We’d talked and he’d made it clear that we couldn’t let on we were boyfriends in front of anyone else.
We walked back into the school and headed for the gym.
“I talked to coach and he said he could definitely use you as an assistant for football season, kind of water boy/gofer type of thing. You sure you want to do it?”
“Yeah, I am. This way I can spend more time with you. I don’t have anything else to do anyway. I sure don’t want to be home.” Brendan looked at me meaningfully. He knew just what I meant.
“Okay then. Let’s go see the coach.”
Brendan
My fingers brushed Casper’s as I accepted a cup of water from him on the sidelines. Our eyes met and we smiled at each other. Having a boyfriend was the best feeling in the entire world. I glanced at Marc Thayer, who was just heading back to the field, and then back at Casper.
“Nice ass, huh?” I said beneath my breath. Casper smiled and rolled his eyes. I crushed my cup and headed back to practice.
I felt like I had my life back, only better. Those few days when I thought Casper hated me were the worst in my life, but they were worth it for what I had now. My life was pretty sweet overall, but I’d always felt like I was missing something, and I knew that something was Casper. I felt complete for the first time ever.
I glanced over at Casper now and then during practice. The mere sight of him made my chest swell with happiness. I made sure not to look at him too much. I didn’t want my team-mates to see me looking at him with a big dopey smile. That was the only bad thing about me and Casper, the danger of being found out. Before Casper came along, it was fairly easy to hide my desires from my friends and team-mates. I just had to make sure I didn’t let my eyes rove too much. I’d even dated a few girls, so no one would suspect that I was a gay boy. Now that Casper was in my life, that secret was going to be much harder to keep.
All the guys really seemed to like Casper. Of course, all of them knew we were friends and the fact that I liked him made the others think that he must be pretty cool. I know that sounds conceited, but that’s the way popularity worked at my school. Casper was popular by association. Well, maybe not popular, but well liked by the guys on my team. They all knew that anyone who gave him shit had to answer to me.
Casper seemed surprised that he was accepted by the guys. It made my heart ache to watch him as he looked at them with a kind of awe. He had such a low opinion of himself that it was like he didn’t think he deserved to be liked or something. I loved Casper, but he had really lousy self-esteem. I guess that was understandable. Being that poor had to have an effect on him. I knew I couldn’t really understand what it was like; my family had always been rich. I didn’t know what it felt like not to have nice clothes or a nice house. The only time I was ever hungry was when I was too busy to eat. Casper and I came from different worlds.
Maybe I couldn’t understand what it was like to be poor, but I was determined to make Casper see in himself what I saw when I looked at him; a kind, loving, wonderful boy with a lot to offer.
I stole another glance at Casper. I loved him, I really loved him. It felt good to love someone. Sure, I loved my parents, and I’d loved pets I’d had in the past, but this was completely different. This was another kind of love. I can’t begin to describe how good it made me feel inside. The best part was that Casper loved me back. I could see it in his eyes every time he looked at me. It was the best feeling in the entire world.
Casper
I was in my room, sitting at the rickety old table studying, when Jason walked in. I was so busy getting my homework done that I didn’t even hear him coming until he was opening the door. My instincts kicked in and I made ready to run for it the first chance I got. Then I remembered that I didn’t have to run anymore.
I looked up at Jason. His face was bruised and blood had dried on his lip. He looked like he’d been hit by a truck or something. He’d been hit by something far more dangerous, he’d been hit by my boyfriend.
“You told him, didn’t you runt?”
I looked straight into his eyes without flinching.
“Yes, I told him.”
“You know what I said would happen if you ever told anyone.” His voice
was menacing, the threat hung heavy in the air. I slowly stood. “If you hurt me, Brendan will kick your ass,” I said.
“Oh, little brother has balls now. Or I guess he’s just borrowing someone
else’s.”
Jason was being as big a jerk as ever, but he made no move toward me. “You touch me and I’ll tell him,” I said. I knew Brendan was my only protection. Jason was way bigger than me, but Brendan was even stronger than Jason.
“What is it with you two anyway? Why is Mr. Bigshot suddenly your friend? You doin’ all his homework for him or somethin’?”
“No, we’re just friends is all.”
“Bullshit, there’s something more goin’ on here.” He stared at me as if he
could make me tell. “You can’t be paying him, since I know you don’t have any money. He wouldn’t need it anyway. He’s a big kiss-ass and gets whatever he wants from his daddy.”
“He’s not a kiss-ass!” I shouted. Jason laughed.
“He’s getting somethin’ from you I bet. You might as well tell me, you know. I’ll find out what it is sooner or later.”
“Even if there was something to find, you’re not smart enough.” “You know, if I was you little brother, I wouldn’t be such a smart-ass with
me. Mr. Football Stud won’t be there to protect you forever. He’ll get tired of you soon enough and then it’s just you and me baby. You can bet I’ll remember every single thing you say to me. I can’t wait until it’s pay back time.” Jason sneered at me. I was afraid. It was the first time in a long time that I’d made the slightest effort to stand up to him. I knew that Brendan wouldn’t leave me, but what Jason said still scared me.
“Yeah, I’m gonna find out what’s up, little brother, and then I’ll take care of you good. Or maybe I’ll just take care of your boyfriend.”
I tensed at Jason’s use of “boyfriend,” but tried not to let my fear and surprise show. I knew he was just trying to insult me. Then again, maybe not, maybe he was fishing for clues.
“He’s not my boyfriend.”
“I’m sure he’s not. Even if shit for brains was a fag, he sure wouldn’t want you for a boyfriend,” he laughed. “I bet he would use you though. You Mr. Football’s little bitch, Casper? Huh?”
“I’m gonna tell him you said that.” I put as much threat into my voice as I could manage. Jason was getting a little too close to the truth. If he really did begin to suspect that I was Brendan’s boyfriend, then it would be harder than ever for us to date without anyone knowing. My greatest fear was that Brendan would get scared and not want to see me anymore. I didn’t let Jason see my fear, however. I knew he’d just feed on it. I had to maintain control.
“I’ll figure it all out, little brother. Then I’ll get rid of dick-head, and then your ass is mine.”
Jason left me alone, but I was practically shaking. Even with Brendan protecting me, I was still afraid of him. My brother was capable of just about anything.
Brendan
I pulled the convertible up in front of the library. Casper was sitting on the steps, waiting for me. He wore the same clothes he wore to school every day, but he was as clean as could be. He’d told me some about his life at home and I was amazed at how he even survived.
“Hungry?” I asked as he settled into the passenger side.
“Trick question?” he asked. We both laughed.
I drove us to the local smorgasbord. It wasn’t my favorite place to eat, but I
went there for two reasons. First, Casper could eat as much as he wanted without feeling self-conscious about it. Eating as much as you could was the goal at a smorgasbord after all. And second, I knew that Casper felt out of place at the restaurants I usually ate at. I took him to my favorite once, but I could tell he was uncomfortable. Everyone else, including me, was dressed in really nice clothes and Casper was wearing the same clothes he did every day. I didn’t want to do anything to make him uncomfortable, so the smorgasbord was just the place. I kind of liked it myself. It was different.