by Mark Roeder
pleasure.
Brendan
I was late getting into the showers after football practice. Coach wanted to go over some plays, so pretty much everyone else was gone when I got in there. By the time I made it to the locker room, the whole place had cleared out, except for Casper. Part of his job was picking up all the towels the jocks left behind in the locker room. He didn’t seem to mind. I could tell Casper really liked helping with the football team. He was proud of helping out. I smiled to myself with the knowledge that the main reason he helped out was to be near me. I was glad he was there; the very sight of Casper filled me with happiness. There was no more wonderful feeling in all the world than having someone to love, especially when he loved me back.
When I’d pulled on my boxers and jeans, I walked over to Casper and put my hand on his shoulder. He smiled at me. I looked carefully around the locker room, then pulled him to me, leaned down, and kissed him. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him tight against me. We closed our eyes, our mouths opened and we kissed with the passion of two young men in love. Kissing Casper, just being with him, filled me with utter joy.
“What the fuck?!” I opened my eyes and gasped. Ben Woolsey was standing there gaping at us with his mouth hanging open in shock. He’d stopped dead in his tracks as he’d come around the corner. Casper looked around and saw him too. I could feel my heart racing in my chest. All of us stood there in complete silence. Ben swallowed hard, turned on his heel, and ran.
I collapsed on the bench between the lockers. I was too shocked to even cry. I knew it was all over. I was screwed. I just sat there and stared blankly into space.
118 “Oh Brendan!” said Casper and held me close. Part of me wanted to push him away. Part of me was angry with him, but I knew it wasn’t Casper fault. My own lack of caution had exposed me. What had happened was my own fault. I was the one who had just ruined my entire life.
“What are we going to do?” asked Casper. I just looked at him with sorrow in my eyes, unable to answer.
“Maybe you should go after him, talk to him before he tells anyone. Maybe he won’t talk.”
I shook my head, but at the same time, I wondered if it wasn’t worth a try. I pulled on my socks and shoes. I got up and ran from the locker room, putting on my shirt as I went. Ben was nowhere to be found in the gym. I hurried outside, Casper scurrying to keep up with me. Ben was standing near his truck in the parking lot, talking to two other boys from the team. All three looked up at us and I knew it was already too late. The look of shock on their faces made it clear that our secret was already out. We just stood there looking at each other for a moment. I turned toward my convertible. Casper and I climbed in, and sped away.
I had to concentrate hard to keep the car on the road. It was probably a good thing Casper was with me, or I might have wrecked it intentionally. Actually, there was no maybe about it. I’d have accelerated to top speed and slammed into a telephone pole for sure. I knew I couldn’t face what was to come; it would just be too humiliating, too horrible.
Casper kept looking over at me with a very worried expression on his face. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I wasn’t even trying to hide how upset I felt. My whole world had come to an end.
“Drive to the cemetery,” Casper instructed me. I did as he said. I could barely think for myself.
We got out of the car and walked into the cemetery. We sat on a little stone bench in the midst of great cedar trees and mossy tombstones. Tears kept flowing from my eyes. Casper hugged me tight and I broke down and bawled in his arms. He was supposed to be the frail one, but he was obviously much stronger that I was.
“It’s all over, you know,” I said to him when I could finally speak.
“What do you mean?” he said.
“Everything. It’s all over. By tomorrow, everyone at school will know about us. By this time tomorrow evening, I won’t have any friends. I’ll have lost
120 A Better Place
everything. Everyone will hate me and look down on me. I can’t take that, Casper. I won’t!” I looked at him with fear in my eyes.
“You’re scaring me, Brendan.”
“I’m sorry, Casper. I don’t mean to scare you, but that’s the way it is. There’s
only one way out now.”
“Please, don’t even say it, don’t even think it,” begged Casper. He was crying. I just shrugged my shoulders. It was time to give up on life. My greatest fear
was about to be realized and I couldn’t face it. I didn’t have the balls to take what was coming. I had no intention of sticking around so everyone could laugh at me and spit on me and hate me for what I was. I’d been unmasked and now everyone would know what I really was.
“It won’t be that bad, Brendan. I know it’s going to be hard, but we can get through it, together.”
I just shook my head. I couldn’t face it.
“So you’re just gonna quit, huh?” said Casper with anger in his eyes. “What was all that you said about never leaving me, huh? What was all that about us staying together forever? You didn’t mean any of it, did you?”
“You’re not being fair,” I said.
“You’re a coward,” said Casper flatly.
I jumped to my feet and turned on him in anger. I drew back my fist to slug him. I saw the fear in his eyes. Casper feared me. He didn’t shrink from me, however. He held his ground. He just sat there, even though he expected me to hit him in the face.
“Go ahead, hit me!” he shouted at me. “It doesn’t matter! When you’re gone my brother will do much worse! He said he’d make me pay and he will! I’ll be worse than dead! But you don’t care! You’re a selfish coward! You’re just going to leave me. You’re going to go off and kill yourself and leave me all alone because you’re too big of a coward to face what’s happened!” Casper was angry, but he was crying.
“I thought you loved me,” he said quietly. “You said you loved me and I believed you.” Casper bawled like his heart was broken. It was.
I kneeled down by him. I took his head in my hands and forced him to look into my eyes.
“I do love you, Casper. I love you more than anything. I just…I’m so afraid Casper. I can’t…” We were both crying. Casper held me in his gaze.
“Don’t leave me, Brendan. I love you. We can get through this. I know it will be hard, but we can do it. If you love me, you can’t kill yourself, Brendan. If you do that, you’ll be hurting me worse than my brother ever did. You’ll be taking from me something that means more to me than anything else in the world—you. Please. If you love me, promise me you won’t do it. Promise me you won’t kill yourself, Brendan.”
I was so terrified that I was shaking. I couldn’t bear to face what was to come, and yet, I knew that I couldn’t leave Casper like that. I was being selfish like he said. I was thinking only of me. If I killed myself, I’d be dooming Casper to the same fate, either that, or to a fate more horrible still. I loved him so much it hurt. I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting him.
“I promise,” I said, then kissed him deeply. I held him tight in my arms and kissed him, shutting out the entire world. I never wanted to let him go. I just wanted to keep on holding him and kissing him forever.
Casper
I walked into my room and there was Jason waiting on me. He was smiling, and it wasn’t a nice smile at all.
“Guess what I heard, little brother?” he said.
I didn’t say anything. I swallowed hard. The hair rose on the back of my neck. I was afraid.
“Mr. Football Jock was caught in the locker room, kissing another boy. He’s a faggot. Your hero is a fag, Casper. But I guess you know that don’t you? I guess you’d have to know it since he was kissing you.” Jason laughed at me.
“I told you I’d find out about you two,” he said. “I knew something was going on. I can’t believe he’d sink low enough to do it with you, but I guess fags just don’t have good taste. I guess queers will just do it with anyone.”
“Shut up.”
“I wouldn’t be so brave if I was you little brother. The fag won’t be protecting you anymore. He’s gonna be way too busy getting his ass kicked.” Jason smiled again. I wanted to knock that gloating smile right off his ugly face.
Jason grabbed me by the chin and forced me to look into his eyes.
“I told you Brendan would be gone someday. I warned you, didn’t I?”
I was trembling with terror. I knew what was about to happen. I tensed, ready to run for it if I got the chance. Jason licked his lips.
“I can’t wait to see what happens tomorrow. I can’t wait to see Mr. High and Mighty fall.”
Jason pushed me roughly away, and then crawled into his bed.
“You’d better get your sleep, little brother. You’re going to need it. Tomorrow is going to be a long, hard day.” He lay back, and then leaned up on one elbow. “I haven’t forgotten all the shit you said to me, Casper. Don’t think you’re getting off the hook. I’m just giving you a little time to think about what’s going to happen. Sleep well.” He laughed to himself, a cruel wicked laugh.
I wondered what had made Jason into such a bad person. He hadn’t always been like that. I guess it didn’t matter. I couldn’t change him. I lay down and tried to sleep, but the fear within me was too great. I was afraid of Jason. I was afraid for Brendan. And I was most afraid that Brendan wouldn’t be able to handle what was to come. I was afraid he’d snap and that I wouldn’t be there to catch him when he fell. I was afraid his promise wouldn’t hold. I was afraid I couldn’t keep him from ending his own life.
Brendan
I tried to steady my breathing as I sat in my convertible and stared at the back of the school. I didn’t know how I was going to summon the courage to walk through those doors. I could only imagine what awaited me there. Classmates were already giving me curious glances as they walked past. A group of girls looked in my direction, then giggled and started talking excitedly among themselves. There was no doubt about it, the word was out.
Someone smacked the driver-side door hard, causing a bang that sounded like a shotgun. I jumped and snapped my head around. It was Brad. He smiled at me. I got out of the car.
“I thought maybe you could use some company,” he said.
I looked him in the eyes for a moment thoughtfully.
“You know, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I know, Brendan. I don’t think there’s anyone who doesn’t know by
now. Is it true?”
“Yes, it’s true.” I swallowed and stood there looking at him. Tears tried to
well up in my eyes, but I fought them back.
“So uh, where do we stand, Brad?” He didn’t seem belligerent, but I was still
afraid, afraid of losing my best friend.
“We stand where we always have,” said Brad, putting his hand on my shoulder. “I’ve got to admit, it shocked the hell out of me. I’d never have guessed it,
not in a million years. It doesn’t change anything, however. Well, I guess it’s got
to change some things, but we’re still buds. We are still best friends. If you
think that’s going to change, then you’ve underestimated me, Brendan.” “I was so afraid of losing you.”
“Don’t be afraid of that. It’s not going to happen. Hell, I kind of like it that
you’re gay. With you out of the game, I’ve got a lot better chance to score with
the ladies!”
“And you need all the help you can get,” I said smiling. Brad hit me hard in
the shoulder for that.
“Come on. Let’s go in,” said Brad as he put his arm around my shoulder and
walked me toward the school. I felt good inside. I was still afraid of what was
to come, but at least Brad was sticking by me. At least I hadn’t lost him. “What’s everyone saying?” I asked, as we drew ever closer.
“They’re surprised, like me. You’re the talk of the whole school of course,
but then you always are. Some girls are kind of disappointed. Some guys don’t
believe it.”
We were almost at the doors. I stopped. Brad turned and looked at me. “I’m afraid to go in,” I admitted.
“Hey, Brendan, I don’t think it’ll be as bad as you think. I’m sure a few jerks
will give you shit, but you’ve got lots of friends.”
“Do I? You think they’ll still be my friends?” I asked, almost desperate. “Yes, I do, Brendan. I really do.”
Brad put his hand on my shoulder and guided me inside. Despite his reassurance, walking through those doors was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do
in my entire life.
When we got inside, everyone was looking at me. They weren’t all standing
there gawking, but they were stealing glances whenever they could. I caught
bits and pieces of whispered conversations as I walked past, but few were
derogatory. I did hear “gay” and “queer” a couple of times, but that was about
the worst of it. I guess even that wasn’t bad. It was true after all, I was gay. As we passed Casper’s brother and one of his friends, I heard Jason mutter
“faggot.” Brad spun on his heel and grabbed Jason by the throat. “What was that fucker? You have a problem?”
Suddenly, everyone was looking at us openly. We were the center of attention. That made me uncomfortable, but I had to suppress the smile that
wanted to form on my lips. Jason looked like he was ready to wet his pants. Brad stared into Jason’s eyes, giving him a menacing look. He released him
and Jason rubbed his throat.
“The word is ‘gay’ Jason, not ‘faggot’. I don’t want to hear you say ‘faggot’
again. Got it?”
“Why are you taking up for him? You know what he is. Hell, he’s been doing
it with my little brother!”
“I’m taking up for him because he’s my best friend, and he doesn’t need to
hear stupid shit from losers like you. And as for your brother, well, if he’s
Brendan’s boyfriend, then I’d say that he’s pretty damned lucky.” We walked away amid a few cheers and “yeas.” I really did have to smile
then. Jason tried to dis me and no one took his side. I was almost afraid to even
hope it, but it was beginning to look like my greatest fear wasn’t nearly as terrible as I’d always imagined.
We stopped at my locker and I picked up my books. A few of my teammates passed and said “Hey, Brendan.” I could tell from the look in their eyes
that they too were surprised to learn about me, but they were friendly, they
greeted me just as they did every day.
“I need to get going. You going to be okay?” asked Brad.
“Yeah,” I said. “I think I am. Thanks, Brad.”
“What for?” he said smiling. “Catch you later.”
“Bye.”
I closed my locker and walked to my first period class. People were looking
at me, but it wasn’t at all like I thought it would be. I’d imagined them pointing and snickering. I’m imagined them all looking at me in disgust and calling
me horrible names. It wasn’t like that, however. I felt very self-conscious about
the whole thing, but it wasn’t a tenth as bad as I’d expected. Hell, it wasn’t a
thousandth as bad. And to think that I’d nearly offed myself out of fear. The
next time I thought of killing myself, I was going to remember that. This made
twice I’d almost done it, and both times what I’d feared turned out to be far
less terrible than I’d expected.
At lunch, I sat down by Casper and Stacey. I was soon joined by a bunch of my football buddies. Everything felt really weird, but it felt weird because it was so normal. I was on the receiving end of a lot of curious glances, but there really wasn’t much more to it than that.
Casper looked at me with concern on his young features. It was clear that he was very worried about me. It made me love him that much more.
“You okay, Brendan? He asked quietly. “You sure you want to sit with me?”
I looked around at my team-mates sitting near. They were trying to act as if they weren’t straining to listen, but there was a certain expectancy in the air.
“Yeah, I’m okay,” I said in a normal voice. “And why wouldn’t I want to sit with my boyfriend?”
Casper looked scared and his eyes darted around as he waited for everyone’s reaction. The result was anti-climatic, however. A few of the guys seemed a little taken back that I was being so open, but no one really had a problem with it.
“I think you two are really cute together,” said Stacey smiling. Her smile was genuine. Stacey had known about my gayness longer than just about anybody. “I guess I’ll have to stop dreaming about you asking me out on a date.” That made me laugh.
“Hey Stacey,” said Brad “some of us still like girls. So if you’re looking for a date…”
“I’ll think about that,” said Stacey.
I knew Brad wasn’t knocking me. His humor even served to put me more at ease and everyone else as well. There were more than a few laughs at our table. It wasn’t just a joke, however, Brad was hitting on Stacey, and from the look in her eyes I think it was a successful hit.
“Think you can lower your standards that much?” asked Marc Thayer. “I mean it’s a long way down from Brendan to Brad.” Everyone laughed at that.
“Hey!” yelled Brad, but even he was laughing.
It made me feel real good inside that everyone was taking the news about me so well. I’d never have dreamed that I’d be sitting there like that, being open about being gay, and having my friends and team-mates accept it so easily.
* * * Just before football practice, a boy I didn’t know came up to me as I was heading for the gym. He was young, probably a freshman.
“Hi, I’m Tommy,” he said.
“I’m Brendan.” I could tell he wanted something, but he seemed kind of afraid.