A Better Place

by Mark Roeder

  “Yeah, I know. Is it true about you? That you’re gay?”

  “Yeah,” I said, “it’s true. I’m gay.” Something felt right about saying it out loud. Something felt good about not having to hide it anymore. I felt like I could be myself at last.

  “That’s really cool.” Tommy paused. “I’m gay too. I never told anyone that. I’ve always been afraid, but if a guy like you is gay, well then maybe it’s okay.”

  I smiled.

  “Maybe, maybe we could talk sometime,” he said.

  “Sure, I’d like that Tommy.” He smiled.

  “Well, I’m sure you’re busy. I just wanted to say thanks.”

  He turned and left. I thought his gratitude a bit misplaced, since I had hardly come out by choice, but I appreciated it anyway. Maybe some good could come out of me being open about being gay. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so afraid. Maybe I should have come out on my own long ago.

  * * * Coach pulled me to the side as I entered the locker room. He took me into his office and closed the door.

  “We’ve got a problem,” he said.

  “What?” My heart was racing. Everything was going so well that it seemed too good to be true. I feared that it was, and that the ax was about to fall.

  “Ben’s mother called me this afternoon. She’s the president of the PTA. She has expressed concerns about your, uh, sexual orientation.”

  I looked at coach. My heart fell. This was it. This is what I’d feared. I braced myself for it.

  “And?”

  “She doesn’t think you are the type of boy who should be captain of the football team, or on the football team at all. She thinks that will send the wrong message.”

  “And what do you think, Coach?”

  “I think she’s a bitch,” he said flatly. I smiled. “That’s off the record of course. I know you, Brendan. You’re the best quarterback this school has ever had. You’re also the finest young man I’ve had the privilege to coach. I’ll support you in whatever course you choose. So I’m asking what you want to do.”

  “I think we should ask the team, Coach.”

  “Fair enough.”

  Coach led me out of his office. We were met outside by Ben.

  “Can we talk for a moment?” he asked. He looked extremely uncomfortable.

  “Okay,” I said, none too friendly. He was the one who outed me after all. It was his mother who was trying to get me removed as team captain, and maybe kicked off the football team.

  “You can use my office,” said Coach.

  We went inside and closed the door. Ben turned to me. There were tears in his eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to cause you any trouble. I was so stupid. It’s just that I couldn’t believe it when I found you kissing Casper. I mean…you. I just…I should have kept my mouth shut, but I wasn’t thinking. I blurted it out to the first guys I came across. They didn’t even believe me at first. I didn’t mean to out you like that. I mean, I don’t think it’s bad at all. It’s just…different. I don’t have anything against you, man. I know you probably hate me, but the best I can do is say I’m sorry. Please forgive me, Brendan.”

  Ben’s face was filled with anguish. Tears were rolling down his cheeks. I had no doubt he was sincere.

  “I forgive you,” I said. “Maybe you even did me a favor. Who knows?”

  “My mom,” said Ben “she’s going to cause trouble. She’s like that. She doesn’t even want me near you, but fuck her. When she tries to get you removed as Captain, I’m going to stand up myself and speak against her. What she’s trying to do isn’t right. I’m so sorry.”

  “Hey,” I said, “it’s okay. You made a mistake. We all do. Let’s just forget about it okay?”

  “You’re a better person that I am, Brendan.”

  “Well, I don’t know about that, but we’re cool.”

  “Thanks,” he said.

  We stepped out of the office and into the locker room. I was apprehensive to say the least. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I guess there were worse things than being removed as team captain. At least I’d still have most of my friends.

  All my team-mates were sitting on the benches, or standing around in the locker room. Casper was there too, looking uncomfortable and a little edgy. I walked over and stood by him. Coach called for everyone’s attention.

  “I’ve been contacted by the president of the PTA,” began Coach. “The call concerned Brendan and whether or not it is appropriate for him to continue as team captain.”

  There were angry murmurs around the room. Ben looked extremely uncomfortable and many of our team-mates were scowling at him. Everyone knew his mom was the president of the PTA.

  “It is her intention to convince the PTA to contact the school board and demand that Brendan not only be removed as team captain, but be removed from the football team. Brendan and I have discussed the situation and want to know where the team stands. So, what do you think, gentlemen?”

  The room erupted with shouts of “That sucks, Coach!”, “Ben’s mom can suck my nuts.”, “We’ll all quit if they try that shit!”, “Fuck Ben’s mom!”, and various other declarations of disapproval. Coach held up his hand for quiet.

  “Let’s put this to a vote, men. All those in favor of Brendan remaining as team captain, raise your hand.” Ben’s hand shot up first. I looked around the locker room; there wasn’t a hand that wasn’t raised. I was so happy I felt like crying. Casper was smiling and fighting back tears. Only Casper could understand just how much the acceptance of my team-mates meant to me.

  “Very well,” said Coach, “I’ll call the president and inform her that she will get no support from the team.” The coach left and went into his office. Through the window I could see him picking up the phone and dialing.

  The guys turned on Ben.

  Derek grabbed him by the front of the shirt and pushed him hard against the wall. Some of the others closed in on him.

  “Your mom’s a bitch, Ben, and you’re a fucking loser,” said Derek.

  I stepped forward. I was afraid they were going to start beating him. Ben’s eyes were wild with terror.

  “Guys! Guys! What Ben’s mom is doing is not his fault. He doesn’t like it anymore than you guys do.” Derek slowly released him and the guys stepped back.

  “Thanks, Brendan,” said Ben. He looked at our team-mates. “I know, my mom’s a bitch. At least you guys don’t have to live with her!” Everyone laughed grimly.

  The guys started talking about what they’d do if the school board tried to force me out. It didn’t take them long to reach a decision. Ben himself knocked on coach’s door and gave him the news. “Coach, we’ve all decided that if Brendan is forced out as team captain, we’ll all walk. Tell the PTA president that, if she forces Brendan out, there will be no team.”

  I could see coach smile, then speak into the phone. Pretty soon he had to hold it away from his ear. I think Ben’s mom must have been screaming at him. It wasn’t long before he hung up the phone. He came out smiling.

  “To make a long story short, boys, she’s backing down.” There were cheers throughout the locker room. It was the happiest day of my life.

  Long after practice, I sat in the locker room with Casper and Brad. I’d been talking to the guys. They were full of questions like “How long have you known?”, “What did your parents say?”, and more other questions than I can even remember. What struck me wasn’t the questions, but how much all of them supported me. Just about all of them expressed surprise, but not one of them was down on me. A few seemed a little stiff when talking to me, like they were a little afraid of being near me, but even those made an effort to let me know that it was cool with them that I was gay. I’d never have guessed they would react like that. I’d always thought that a few might stand by me, but I expected most to withdraw from me like I had some kind of disease. I really thought I’d become an outcast when they found out about me. I was wrong. I’d underestimated not only B
rad, but all of my friends.

  Casper

  Brendan drove Brad and me over to Phil’s after football practice. We got cheeseburgers, drinks, and fries. The three of us ate and laughed and kidded each other. Looking at Brendan, no one would have known that he was ready to kill himself less than twenty-four hours before. His mood was completely changed. He was happier than I’d ever seen him. I think it really got to him that everyone was so supportive. There were a few jerks at school of course that called us both names, but not many. Those who did call us “faggots” or “queers” were usually silenced by those around them. Brendan had a lot of friends and they were making sure neither of us had to put up with crap from anybody.

  Brad was especially nice to me. He’d always been pretty nice, but now he was really going out of his way. I think he was treating me so well because he knew how much Brendan cared about me, and how much I cared for him. I was glad that Brendan had such a good friend.

  My life had changed so much in such a short time. It had been bouncing around from bad to good and back again the whole time I’d known Brendan. On the very day it could have hit bottom, it rose to new heights. Suddenly, everything was looking up. I knew there were problems ahead, but everything was looking better than it had in a long time.

  Brendan dropped Brad off at his house and I was next. Before I got out of the car Brendan pulled me to him and kissed me. I was surprised. He’d always been so secretive about our relationship before. I guess it shouldn’t have surprised me, however. Everyone in town probably knew about us, so there was no use hiding something that everyone already knew. It felt good to be open about our relationship.

  132 No one was home, so I got busy on my homework. I wanted to get it out of the way so I’d have some time later to walk and think. I had a lot to think about. It didn’t take me long to get through all my schoolwork, but the shadows were lengthening as I stepped outside. I found myself walking toward the cemetery while I ran the past few days through my mind.

  I thought about the future even more than the past. I wondered what life would be like for Brendan and me. He was rich and I was poor, but I knew that didn’t matter. There was something special between us that would always be there. I just knew it. I started dreaming about us getting a little house together and living far away from my family. I didn’t really care where we lived, so long as I could be with Brendan. That was what was important.

  My day had been an eventful one. I was no longer the “invisible boy.” I was about as visible as I could get. Wherever I went at school, people were looking at me, even teachers. I didn’t mind. They weren’t looking at me because I was poor. Thanks to Brendan, I had clothes as nice as anyone. They were looking at me because I was Brendan’s boyfriend and they all knew it. I knew we were an unlikely pair. My classmates and teachers must have wondered how Brendan and I ended up together. I found that I actually liked the attention. I was proud that Brendan was my boyfriend. He was the best looking guy in school, and the nicest too. All the girls wanted him, and I’m sure a few of the guys too, but he was mine. I was even proud of being gay. Things had sure changed for me, and for the better.

  I walked through the cemetery, remembering the times I’d hidden there from the terrible trio. They were once the terror of my life, but Brendan had taken that terror away. I thought too of the night that Brendan chased me into the graveyard, and how I’d thought he was going to hurt me. It seemed impossible now that I’d ever thought such a thing. I laughed to myself when I remembered how Stacey had taken Brendan out with a tree branch, although I guess it wasn’t really funny. She’d hurt him. That was in the past though, so I guess it was okay to laugh about it now. Brendan had told me more than once that he sure wouldn’t want Stacey for an enemy.

  I sat down in front of my mom’s grave and looked at her tombstone. As always, I felt like she was there with me. This time I didn’t need her to quiet my fear. This time I just wanted to share my happiness with her.

  “I met someone, Mom,” I said. “I love him. I hope you won’t mind me saying this, but I love him as much as I love you. I don’t think you’ll mind, however. I know you want me to be happy. I hope you’re happy too. I’m sure you are. I wish you were here so I could hug you. I can feel you, though. I know you’re here with me. I’m happy now and everything’s going to be okay.”

  I sat there in silence for a long time, just listening to the breeze, the insects, and the sound of my own heart. I was at peace.

  As a chill crept into the air, I let my feet carry me back toward the dilapidated shack I called home. Even it didn’t seem so bad now that Brendan was in my life. He made everything worth while. I looked into the sky and saw the moon shining bright. I wondered if Brendan could see it too. I’d only been away from him for a little while, and I’d be with him again the very next day, but it still seemed that we were too long apart. I wanted to be with him every minute of every day. I’d once been disgusted by the thoughts running through my head, the thoughts about other boys, but now I knew that there was nothing wrong with that. What I felt for Brendan was something special. It was love and there could be nothing bad in that.

  Brendan

  I pulled the convertible into the drive. The day I thought I’d never survive had turned out to be one of the best in my life. I never dared dream that my friends and classmates would be so accepting. I’d heard so many horrible stories about what had happened to other boys when they were outed. I knew those stories were true, which made my own story that much more remarkable.

  I felt a tremendous weight lift from my shoulders. I’d always wondered how many of my friends would still be my friends if they knew about me. I’d always feared that they’d leave me, even Brad. I’d underestimated them to be sure. I felt closer to Brad now than I ever had before. I’d long feared losing him if he found out I was gay, but he’d been the most supportive of all. I really don’t think I could have walked into school if he hadn’t been there with me every step of the way. I smiled. I had no doubts about my friends any more.

  The moment I opened the front door, I knew something was seriously wrong. My parents were sitting on the couch, waiting for me.

  “Sit down!” said my father, pointing to the chair directly across from them. I could tell by the tone of his voice that I was in deep shit.

  “Mrs. Woolsey called earlier. You want to explain what she told us about?”

  Fuck.

  “If she called then you obviously know already,” I said.

  “I want to hear it from your lips, Brendan. Tell me it isn’t true. Tell me you are not one of those!” My father was yelling. He almost never yelled.

  “Listen,” said my mother, “I know it can’t be true. A strong, athletic boy like you, it’s ridiculous.” My mom was always the peacemaker.

  “But it is true, Mom. I’m gay.”

  135 My mother started crying right before my eyes. She just broke down and cried. It made me feel about two inches tall. My own mother was crying because I was gay. I think it was worse than anything that could have happened at school.

  My dad was so mad he couldn’t even speak. He just sat there and steamed. He was like a smoking volcano, ready to erupt at any second.

  “You’re just confused, Brendan,” said my mother between sobs. “It can’t be true.”

  “I’m not confused.”

  “And just what does that mean!?” my father burst out.

  “It means I know I’m gay.”

  “So it’s true? You where caught…kissing that boy?”

  “Yes,” I said. I felt a certain defiance within myself. My own parents were attacking what I was. It made me beyond angry. “And we’ve done a lot more.”

  My father reached over and smacked me hard in the face. It hurt. I nearly attacked him, but I somehow managed to keep myself under control.

  “I don’t want to hear that! Here is what you are going to do, Brendan. You are going to stay away from that boy! You are never to see him again, never! You are going
to find a nice girl. You’re going to tell everyone it was all a misunderstanding and that you are not gay. You will go to a psychiatrist to have your sickness cured. You will…”

  “The hell I will! I’m not doing any of that shit!” I yelled. “I love Casper. I’ll see him if I damned well please. I’m not going to find a girl. I’m not going to live a lie anymore. I’m not sick. I don’t need cured. I haven’t got fucking cancer or some mental illness. I’m gay!”

  My father drew his hand back and tried to smack me again. I grabbed his wrist and held it.

  “Don’t touch me,” I warned him.

  “Don’t talk back to me, Brendan!”

  My mother just stood back and watched. She looked horrified, but she was horrified that I was gay, not at the things my own father was saying to me. I couldn’t believe it. I always knew my parents would have trouble accepting me if they knew, but I never dreamed they’d be so uncaring and unreasonable. I stared at them both.

  “Listen, I’m gay. That’s all there is to it. I’m not going to change. I am going to see Casper. He’s my boyfriend and I love him. I don’t care what you say.”

  Mark A. Roeder 137 My father was so furious I thought he was going to explode. He stood there trembling with rage, his fists clenched tightly at his sides.

  “I think we all need to cool down,” said my mother.

  “Go to your room!” screamed my father. That was his solution for everything. He sent me to my room whenever I disagreed with him. He sent me to my room the time I dented the car. He sent me to my room if my grades weren’t perfect. And now, he was sending me to my room because I was gay. I had news for him; some time in my room wasn’t going to change things.

  I considered saying something more to him, but I knew it was useless. I knew it wouldn’t make any difference. He wouldn’t listen, wouldn’t even hear. I turned on my heel, ran up the stairs, and slammed the door behind me.

  I sat down on the edge of my bed and started crying. My parents, and especially my father, had never been that caring, but they’d never treated me quite so harshly before. It was like they didn’t love me at all. I was a good son. I knew I was. It didn’t matter what I did; however, it was never enough for them. Even when I made captain of the football team, they weren’t happy about it. All my father said was “You should have been captain last year.”