A Better Place

by Mark Roeder

  “I hope so,” I said, and fell silent.

  * * * Very late that night, or perhaps very early the next morning, I stirred in my sleep and opened my eyes. My vision was blurred at first, but when I saw what was going on, I sat bolt upright in bed. An orderly was holding a cloth over Chad’s face. I cried out and the orderly turned to me, it was Brian. He crossed the space between the beds in a flash and hit me in the face.

  “Shut up, queer boy!” he hissed. I was too frightened to call out for help. I wasn’t even sure I’d get any if I screamed. I looked over at Chad’s bed. He wasn’t moving.

  “A little chloroform goes a long way,” laughed Brian.

  At first I thought he’d smothered him or something, but he’d only knocked him out. As I thought more about that, I grew more afraid. Brian leered at me. He pulled a syringe out of his pocket. I tried to fend him off, but he was too fast for me. He pressed his weight down on me, trapping my arms, while holding one hand across my mouth to keep me from screaming. I felt the sting of the needle in my arm, then the greater sting of whatever it was he shot into me. Almost instantly, I felt very weak and groggy. I tried to push Brian away, but there was no strength in my body. It was as if my muscles didn’t exist.

  Brian threw away the syringe then ran his hands down my arms. He pulled my gown down to my waist and climbed on top of me. I was powerless to stop him. I was shaking with terror. My eyes filled with tears. I tried to scream, but he kept a hand clasped over my mouth. I don’t know what it was he shot into my arm, but it made me so weak that he was several times stronger than me.

  “You are a pretty one, aren’t you?” he said.

  He removed his hand from my mouth and replaced it with his lips. He kissed me forcefully, prying my lips open, forcing his tongue into my mouth. It made me retch.

  He slapped his hand over my mouth again and ran his free hand all over me. He felt the muscles of my chest and abdomen then ran his hand lower still. I cried as he groped me.

  “Don’t act like you don’t like it, queer boy. I know you do. This says you do,” he said as he squeezed my manhood. I was getting aroused, but I didn’t like it at all. I would have been willing to die right then to keep him from groping me.

  Brian’s body pressed into me. I tried to push him off, but I couldn’t do it. I suddenly realized that this is what it must have been like for Casper. The thought of what his brother had done to him had always filled me with revulsion, but until that moment I’d never comprehended how truly horrible it was. I felt dirty, degraded, powerless, and weak. I couldn’t imagine a worse feeling in all the world.

  Brian pulled my gown all the way down. All I could do was cry. It made me feel impotent. Brian’s eyes will filled with power and lust. I hated him. I wanted to kill him.

  I heard footsteps coming down the hall. I was determined to bite Brian’s hand and scream for help. Brian heard the footsteps too. He slapped the same cloth he’d used on Chad over my nose and mouth and I felt myself slipping into unconsciousness. I felt my gown being placed back over me and the cloth removed from my face. I turned my head to cry for help, but I was too far gone to speak.

  “Is there a problem here?”

  “No, I thought I heard noises, but as you can see, they’re both fast asleep.” It was the last thing I heard as I slipped into unconsciousness.

  * * * I slowly awakened. Someone was shaking me. Someone was on me. Brian, it was Brian. I screamed and pummeled him with my fists. I was frantic.

  “Damn, dude, I don’t like gettin’ up early either, but you don’t have to hit me. You were crying out in your sleep. I thought you were having a nightmare.”

  I saw Chad clearly for the first time. I looked up at him and just started bawling. I was shaking. I recoiled when he tried to touch me, but then I let him hold me. I felt so frightened and unsafe. It was a long time before he got me quieted down enough to tell him what had upset me.

  “You sure you didn’t just dream it?” he asked.

  “Are you saying I’m making this shit up?” I asked angrily.

  “No, no dude, it’s just…I believe you, of course.”

  “I wish it had been just a dream,” I said. “It was horrible.”

  “I can imagine. You’re just lucky someone came along. It would have been worse.”

  “We’ve got to get out of here tonight. It isn’t even safe to sleep here anymore.”

  “We’ll get out, Brendan. Don’t you worry about that. We’ll make it.”

  Casper

  It was Thursday night at last. Brad had already left for the Cloverdale Center to wait on Brendan. Soon Brendan would be out of that place and we’d be together again—if he escaped. I didn’t even want to think about what would happen if he didn’t. The days since I’d last seen him were like an eternity. I couldn’t take much more. I never wanted us to be away from each other again.

  Brendan was on my mind every moment. I tried not to think about what they were doing to him in that place. I’d heard stories, stories so horrible they couldn’t possibly be true. I sure hoped they weren’t. I couldn’t bear the thought of anyone hurting Brendan.

  I knew we’d be leaving that very night. My life was about to change forever. It was a change I welcomed. My life wasn’t a life really. I lived in fear. It was better than it had been. The team looked out for me at school, so I didn’t get beat up all the time the way I once did. Things were still pretty bad, however. I couldn’t even stay in my own home, but had to hide out in a crypt in the cemetery. That was a life for a vampire, not a fifteen year old boy. Still, I wasn’t bitter about my life. It could have been better, should have been better, but I knew I had it easier than some boys my age. That was the sad thing, that there were boys who would be glad to trade their lives for mine.

  I knew the times ahead would be hard, but I’d be with Brendan and that’s all that really mattered. I wondered how we’d survive on the road. We’d have nothing but what we carried with us. With that in mind I returned to the house; there were a few last things I wanted to get, things that would help us.

  The house was dark when I returned. I picked my way through the living room, stumbling over dad’s beer bottles. I paused for a moment, realizing that I’d never be in that house again. It was where I’d grown up. There were so many memories there. Sure, a lot of those memories were bad, but not all of

  167 them. I looked at the chair where my mom used to sit. My heart ached for her. I missed her so much it hurt. She was the one who really loved me. Sometimes I liked to sit in her old chair and remember when she’d sat in it, holding me in her arms. I’d never be able to do that again, just like my mother would never again hold me.

  I pushed thoughts of the past out of my mind. I walked into the kitchen and turned on the light. I quickly went about my business. The house was silent, but there was always the danger of my brother returning. I didn’t want to spend another moment in that house than was absolutely necessary.

  I found a can opener in one of the drawers, and an old pocket knife in another. I also came up with more matches, and a lighter. There wasn’t much food of course, but I did find a half-box of crackers and a real treasure—an unopened jar of peanut butter. I also took a box of salt and some pepper. I stuffed it all into a paper bag and walked to my room.

  I flicked on the light and stepped toward the closet. The door slammed shut behind me and I spun on my heel, only to be slugged hard in the face. I landed on my ass. I looked up. Jason was standing there, leaning against the closed door, looking angry and resentful. What scared me most was the look in his eyes. It was back. I’d seen that look before. I knew what it meant. My heart pounded hard in my chest as he walked toward me. I scrambled backwards on hands and feet.

  “You touch me and I’ll tell Brendan!”

  “I’ll tell Brendan!” mocked Jason. “I’ll tell Brendan! That’s getting a little old you know. I’ve got news for you, little brother. I’m not afraid of your boyfriend anymore. He’s nuts. That fag is getting jus
t what he deserves now. He’s gone and he’s not coming back.”

  I stood. I wanted to tell Jason that Brendan would be back that very night, but I held my tongue. I scrambled to my feet so I could make a break for it when the time came. Jason closed in.

  “You touch me and I’ll tell the guys. The whole football team will kick your ass!”

  “Yeah, right! You’ll say anything to save your ass, won’t you, little brother? How stupid do you think I am? Those guys won’t do shit to me. You’re just the fucking water boy. You’re their bitch and nothing more. They don’t care about you. No one cares about you. You’re just a worthless little faggot. If you had any brains at all you’d have killed yourself long ago. You should be dead, you little fucker.”

  I hated him. I hated that his words hurt me. He was wrong; Brad and the other guys did care about me. They looked out for me. So what if I was just the water boy, so what if I wasn’t a football jock? It didn’t matter. They still liked me.

  “They’ll kill you,” I said.

  Jason got real quiet and it frightened me more than ever. I backed away from him as he advanced on me. It wasn’t long before my back was to the wall and I had no where else to go.

  “We have some business to take care of Casper. I’ve been waiting for you to come home. It’s been a long time you know. I’ve needed you, little brother.”

  Tears filled my eyes and I slowly shook my head. I was shaking with fright.

  “Why do you do this to me, Jason? Why? You don’t even like boys, do you? You like girls, but you still…” I was crying. I couldn’t speak.

  Jason laughed. There was hatred in his eyes. I wondered when things had changed. There was a time when my brother loved me.

  “I like girls,” he said. “But then you’re kinda like one, aren’t you, Casper?”

  I looked at him, hurt, and afraid.

  He reached out to touch me. I bolted, running for my life. I flung myself at the door and jerked it open. Jason threw himself against it. I narrowly avoided getting my fingers crushed when it slammed shut. Jason grabbed me and shoved me back on the bed. I slugged him in the face, but he just laughed at me. I beat his chest with my fists, but he acted like he didn’t even feel it. He slapped me across the face hard and it hurt. Tears welled up in my eyes. I screamed until Jason clamped his hand over my mouth. His free hand was all over me. He touched me and I felt dirty. He ripped my shirt. Tears streamed from my eyes. It was happening again.

  Brendan

  The hair on the back of my neck stood on end. I didn’t know if it was because I was frightened, or because the back of my hospital gown was half open and my ass was freezing. I looked at Chad beside me. He had the same blood-shot eyes and doped up look as always, but I could read a touch of anticipation and fear there as well.

  We followed Brad’s cousin down the stairs. This was it. It was 9:50 p.m. and we were minutes from being free of Cloverdale. I just hoped we’d make it. I couldn’t bear to think of what would happen if we didn’t. I forced myself not to think about it. I had to keep my mind on the present. If we got caught, then I’d deal with it when it happened.

  We were almost there. Only a few steps separated us from the basement doorway. Jason took out his keys and fitted one to the lock. He turned it and the lock clicked open.

  “What are you doing down here?” I jumped. Another orderly was standing behind us. He seemed to come from nowhere. I tensed, ready to jump him.

  “I, uh…” said Jason, stammering a bit. He looked at me and Chad, and then back to the other orderly. “I just wanted to take these boys down to the basement for a little privacy, if you know what I mean.” I was impressed. Jason was a cool liar. The orderly gave him a knowing smile. He reached out and took Chad by the chin.

  “They are a couple of cute ones,” he said, turning Chad’s face. I could tell Chad was grinding his teeth, but luckily he had the sense to keep his mouth shut.

  “You wanna…?” said Jason, motioning down the stairs with his head.

  170 “No, no thanks. I never really cared for boys, although they have their uses. There’s some hot girls on the third floor, though, wouldn’t mind getting me one or two of them.”

  Jason smiled back at him.

  “Enjoy yourself,” said the orderly and went on his way.

  I was so glad it wasn’t Brian that had caught us. Jason’s little ruse wouldn’t

  have worked on him at all. He’d have been only too happy to take us down in the basement. He made my skin crawl.

  We slipped through the door and Jason followed us to the base of the steps.

  “You guys fucking owe me so big,” he said, clearly disgusted with the conversation that had just taken place.

  “We won’t forget this,” I said. “I don’t know if our paths will ever cross again, but if they do, I’ll remember what you did for us.”

  “Here dude,” said Chad and handed Jason a mixed bottle full of pills. “It’s all I got to give you. It’s the last of my private stash.”

  “Thanks,” said Jason. “You’re on your own now guys. Good luck.” He turned and left us.

  “Was that really the last of your drugs?” I asked Chad.

  “Yep,” he said. “I know you think I’m a druggie, but I just took that shit while I was in here. I needed it man. I get through that fence and that’s the last of it for me.”

  “I hope so,” I said, not entirely believing him.

  “Hey, I used to mess with that shit before I came here you know, but after seeing what I’ve seen, Ian and all, I’m not doin’ it no more.” I smiled at him. He seemed sincere. I just hoped he could handle it.

  “Let’s get out of here,” I said.

  Chad led me to the little storage room. He dug out the bolt-cutters from their hiding place and cut right through the lock on the window. I looked at the small window.

  “We’re supposed to fit through that?” I asked him.

  “It’ll be a tight squeeze, but we can do it. Your ass isn’t that big, Brendan.”

  “Funny.”

  “I’ll go first ‘cause I’m thinner. If you get stuck I’ll pull you through. Now help me up.”

  I hoisted Chad into the air and he caught the ledge and wormed his way out. When he was clear, I jumped up and pushed my way into the opening. My shoulders wedged in and I couldn’t move for a moment, but Chad grabbed me under my arms and pulled until my gown ripped and my shoulders slipped past the window. My butt got stuck for just a moment, and then I was through.

  “Hmm, guess your ass was too big,” said Chad. I playfully smacked him in the back of the head.

  We ran low across the open space that stood between us and a locked gate in the fence. I was terrified we’d be spotted. There was a big lock on it. Chad gripped the lock in the bolt-cutters and squeezed hard. He grunted, but couldn’t cut through. I grabbed the handles as well and pushed them together with every ouch of muscle I had. I felt the lock give. It fell to the ground.

  Chad and I slipped through the gate, carefully closing it behind us so it wouldn’t be obvious the fence had been breached. We skirted the lights that surrounded the fence and ran down the grassy slope into the woods.

  I was a little scared because everything seemed a little too easy. When escapes were too easy in movies, it was usually a set up. We weren’t in a movie, however. The thought also occurred to me that the locks and gates weren’t the main obstacle to escape. The main obstacle was drugs. Just about everyone in Cloverdale was pumped so full of drugs they probably couldn’t have got past the locks with a key. The doctors were counting on that. We were making it because we weren’t all doped up. I realized if it hadn’t been for Chad and the tricks he showed me, I’d never have escaped from that place.

  There was a little light from the moon, but it was still almost too dark to see among the trees. It was chilly and the thin hospital gowns we were wearing were no protection against the cold. I was shivering. Physical discomfort didn’t matter, however. Getting away from Clover
dale did. I kept expecting to hear alarms sound at any moment, announcing the discovery of our escape.

  Soon we were through the trees. There was a car parked on the little road at the base of the hill. It was Brad’s car. The engine started as we raced toward it. We jumped into the back and the car took off as soon as the doors were closed. I was so relieved that I felt like crying.

  “You guys okay?” asked Brad.

  “Hell yeah,” I said, “now that we’re out of that fucking place.”

  It was only then that I noticed Stacey sitting in the front seat with Brad. She was looking at me concerned.

  “Stacey?”

  “Brad thought it would be safer with me along. That way if we got spotted they’d just think we were parking.”

  “Dude, you’ll do anything to get a girl,” I said to Brad, teasing him. He and Stacey looked at each other. I had the feeling that there was really something between them.

  “Here,” said Stacey, handing two stacks of clothing to us. “We thought you’d need these.”

  “They’re mine so they might not fit quite right, but they’ll be better than what you’ve got on.”

  “No shit. And thanks,” I said.

  Chad and I pulled off the hospital gowns and started dressing right there in the back seat.

  “This is Chad,” I said, trying to pull on a pair of jeans. “I couldn’t have got out of that place without him.”

  “And we couldn’t have got out of there without your cousin,” said Chad. He was fighting to get into a shirt in the confines of the back seat.

  “How’s Casper?” I asked.

  “He’s cool,” said Brad. “Me and the guys have been watching out for him. We knew you’d kick our asses if we let anything happen to him.”

  “Damn straight,” I said. I was glad to hear that Casper was okay. The notes from him had helped set me at ease, but I was still worried about him. I loved him so much it hurt.

  As we drove to the cemetery Chad and I filled Brad in on the rest of our escape plans. As soon as we picked up Casper, we’d be on our way.