by Mark Roeder
“Maybe we’ll head north for a bit, if you’re heading south,” said Brendan. “I don’t really much care where we go, so long as it’s away from where we were.”
“Ain’t that the truth?” said Chad.
We talked a bit more while we were eating and then hoisted our packs on our backs and set out. It was a fine and sunny day, perfect for a long walk. I grabbed a stick I found along the road and used it as a walking stick. I felt happier than I had in a long time. I felt like I was leaving behind all my troubles. I knew that wasn’t quite true, but that’s the way I felt.
The mile to the next road passed quickly and soon it was time to say “goodbye” to Chad. I didn’t know him well, but I kind of wished he was going with us. He had his own ideas, however.
“Don’t forget about me, dude,” said Chad to Brendan.
“I don’t think I could if I tried,” he said laughing. They hugged.
“You take care of this guy, Casper. Without me around, he’ll need someone to watch him.”
“You don’t have to worry about that,” I said, looking at Brendan. I’d have done anything for him.
“Be careful,” said Brendan.
“Oh I will. I know how to take care of myself. Don’t worry, those dudes at the center won’t get their hands on me again.”
“I’ll miss you,” said Brendan.
“Me too, dude.” Chad paused. “Well, I hate long good-byes and we’ve already stretched this one enough. Good luck, guys.”
Brendan and Chad hugged once more, and then Chad turned and walked away, never looking back.
Brendan
Our first few days of traveling were pleasant enough. The nights were chilly, but Casper and I snuggled under our blankets and kept each other warm. His small body pressed up next to mine gave me a feeling of comfort and security that I’d never had before. The daylight hours were warm and sunny, just about perfect, not too hot and not too cold. My feet got tired from all the walking, but our journey seemed more like a vacation than an escape.
The ever present danger of being tracked down by the center, or by someone working for my father, kept us moving and out of sight. We were traveling north on an old country road without much traffic. Whenever we heard a car coming we hurried off the road and hid ourselves until it passed. I knew I was being a bit paranoid, but better that than end up back in Cloverdale.
I tired more easily than I should have. I knew it was the drugs that had been pumped into my body. I’d avoided most of them thanks to Chad, but I was still pretty drugged up. When we stopped for the night I crashed hard and slept straight through until the next morning. I wanted to just keep on sleeping forever, but I wanted to put as much distance between us and our former hometown as possible. The farther away we got, the safer I’d feel.
Casper was amazingly cheerful. I really thought he’d have a lot more trouble dealing with the death of his father. Of course, his father wasn’t much of a father. I could understand why he wasn’t worried about Jason; he was nothing more than a sadistic bastard. I didn’t’ really care whether Jason was dead or alive. I didn’t tell Casper, but it wouldn’t have bothered me one bit if we discovered that Jason had died. When we’d fought, I wanted to kill him. If it had stayed a fair fight, I might have done it. After what he’d done to Casper he deserved death, and worse. I still wasn’t sure why I’d tried to save him at the end. I guess a little part of me just couldn’t let him die helpless like that.
183 Casper’s high spirits kept me going when I was tired. I was feeling pretty good myself. Just being free of Cloverdale was enough to make me walk on air. I felt like I’d awakened from a nightmare to find myself in a place so beautiful I’d never dreamed it could exist. I thought of the boys still stuck in the center. I wished that I could go back and free them all. I knew that task was beyond me, however. I was lucky to have made it out myself.
* * * The rain pelted down on us, soaking us to the skin. I looked at Casper trudging along beside me, his blond hair plastered to the sides of his face. He looked very young and I wondered how wise I’d been bringing him on such a journey. I knew even as I thought it that I couldn’t have made it without him. If I’d left him behind I would have pined away for him. Besides, it’s not like he’d left much behind. His father was dead and the authorities would have probably put him in some foster home where no one really cared about him. I cared about him. I loved Casper so much it sometimes felt like my heart was going to burst right out of my chest.
Casper looked at me and smiled sweetly. He took my hand in his own and we walked like that down the side of the road. I was happy. The rain, the dreary weather, our never ending journey, none of that mattered because Casper was by my side.
Around six in the evening we came to a small town. I could see huge lights shining in the distance. As we grew nearer my suspicions were confirmed. There was a football game going on. I felt a tug at my heart as I looked at the distant field.
“Wanna go watch?” asked Casper. “We could watch, and then find someplace to sleep.”
“Yeah,” I said. “You don’t mind do you?”
“Of course not. Besides, I’m tired and my feet could use a rest.”
We headed off toward the football field and within minutes were seated in the stands with a big crowd of high school kids and their parents.
I watched with rapt interest as the quarterback of the home team did his stuff. He had a real arm on him and could pass the ball farther than just about any player I’d seen. He was pretty quick on his feet too, although he seemed to have a little trouble maneuvering. I found myself cheering along with the rest of the crowd as he cut through the defensive line and scored a touch down. His team-mates gathered around him, patting him on the ass, congratulating him. He was like a god or something at just that moment.
I don’t think I realized until just then how much I missed playing football. I’d had it all. I was the quarterback and team captain and everyone looked up to me. My coach and team-mates had even stood beside me, and stood up for me, when they found out I was gay. Being a football star made me a celebrity at school and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me feel damned good. There was just something about walking down the halls having everyone admire me that made me feel wonderful.
I looked at the players on the field and wondered if I’d ever get to play again. A part of my life was missing and it wasn’t easy. It wasn’t just the popularity and admiration either; it was just getting to play. A wave of sadness flowed over me.
“You’ll get to play again,” said Casper beside me. He was looking at me and probably had been for some time. He understood me. I loved him for that.
“Yeah, I hope so,” I said. “I really miss it you know?”
“Yeah, I know.”
The rain was still coming down and we sat closer, huddled under a blanket that Casper had dug out of his pack. I didn’t let myself dwell on what I was missing. Instead, I just enjoyed watching the game while sitting with my boyfriend. When I looked at what I had, instead of what I didn’t have, things looked a whole lot better.
6 Weeks Later The December air was so cold that I could clearly see Casper’s breath as he trudged along beside me. The ground was wet, my shoes and socks soaked. I didn’t think I’d ever feel warm again. Casper coughed again, as he had more times than I could count in the last hour. His cough didn’t sound good; it came from deep inside his chest. Casper didn’t look well at all. He was pale and skinny and shivered in the cold. The jacket he was wearing wasn’t enough to keep him warm. I was getting more and more worried about him.
It was only mid-afternoon, but I led Casper off the road. There was an abandoned barn not far away and we made for it. At least we’d have shelter from the wind and the heavy snow that fell from the air. It didn’t take long to get there. I opened the huge door and we slipped inside. It was kind of dark, but light came through the cracks here and there. The old barn smelled of hay and had a pleasant feel to it. It reminded me of the old Hi
ghland barn on my parents’ property.
I made Casper a bed out of hay and he sank into it. I covered him up with both our blankets. He closed his eye immediately, but did not sleep. His coughing didn’t allow him that luxury. He was shivering. I pressed my hand against his forehead, the way my mother used to do when I was a little boy. He was too warm.
“Casper, I’m going to go get us something to eat. There’s a town not far ahead. I won’t be long okay? You just rest and I’ll come back with something for us.”
Casper mumbled something, but I couldn’t make out what it was. I dug in the bottom of my back-back, seeking out the very last of our cash. I came up with a grand total of $45.58. The money Brad had given us was long gone. Casper and I had managed to scrape by doing odd jobs here and there as we went. I’d keep my eye out in town to see what was available; perhaps I could shovel snow for someone.
I closed the barn door behind me and walked back to the road. I followed it downhill toward a small town in the distance. My mind was filled with worry over Casper. He didn’t look good. I was certain he had a fever. He’d picked up a cough several days before and it had grown steadily worse. I could tell he was growing weaker. We had to stop more often and halted a little earlier each evening. Our slow progress wasn’t really a problem. We weren’t going anywhere in particular, so there was no reason to hurry. We were far, far away from the Cloverdale Center and I really doubted that anyone would find us after all this time.
It wasn’t long before I was walking down the main street of Purity. I thought it an odd name for a town, but I guess it wasn’t all that strange. Like most of the towns we passed through, it wasn’t much. There were a couple of restaurants, some stores, and a motel on the edge of town. I spotted a diner across the street where I could get us something hot to eat, but I didn’t head for it straight away. Just ahead was a doctor’s office. I went there first.
I walked into a well worn waiting room. There was a nurse sitting behind a little window. I involuntarily shuddered when I caught sight of her white uniform. It reminded me of the ones the nurses wore in the Cloverdale Center.I had to remind myself that I was far from the center and this lady wasn’t anything like the ones who worked there.
“Can I help you, young man?”
“Yes,” I said, “how much is it to see the doctor?”
“Office calls are $40. Do you need an appointment?”
It would take almost all our cash, but Casper needed to see a doctor. He’d
just keep getting worse if he didn’t.
“Um, yeah, for my brother—could he come in today?”
“Let me see,” she said, looking through a large appointment book. “Yes,
how about 6:30?”
“That will be great.”
“Name?”
“Brewer,” I said. “Casper Brewer.” I didn’t think it wise to give her Casper’s
real name. I kind of liked the sound of his first name with my last. “Okay, Casper Brewer, 6:30 p.m.”
“Thanks.”
I walked back out into the cold and crossed the street. The doctor’s
appointment left us a grand total of $5.58 for something to eat. I entered the diner, sat down at the counter, and looked through the menu. A lot of stuff on it was too expensive. I thought fondly back to the days when I didn’t have to think about cost and could order anything I wanted.
The diner was kind of pleasant inside. There was a little Christmas tree with bright lights in one corner and a scene of Santa Claus and his elves loading a sleigh painted on the front window. Christmas music played on the radio. It was cozy.
There was a woman sitting a couple of tables away. She kept looking at me. For a moment I was afraid she recognized me or something. Maybe my father had my picture sent out, like on a wanted poster. I knew that was silly, however. I was being paranoid. I looked in her direction, and she smiled at me. She was attractive enough I guess, but she had to be in her mid-forties.
I looked at the menu, then back at her again. She was still gazing at me. She was making me uncomfortable.
“What will it be?” asked the waitress.
“Um, two bowls of vegetable soup and two cups of hot cocoa. And that’s to go.” I told her. If I had calculated correctly, that would come to $5.25 with tax. I hoped I hadn’t misfigured. It would be embarrassing if I was short of cash.
As I waited, I felt eyes on me, I looked back at the woman and she motioned me over to her table. I swallowed, and then walked over to her, wondering what she wanted.
“You’re a fine looking one. What brings you here, hon?”
“Just passing through,” I said. My words seemed so clichéd, but I didn’t know what else to say.
“Have a seat.”
I sat across from her.
“I’m Ellen.”
“Brendan,” I said.
“How old are you Brendan?” Her eyes roved over me, making me feel uncomfortable again.
“Seventeen.”
“Have a girlfriend somewhere?”
“No.”
“A good looking, well-built young man like you? Hard to believe.”
I just shrugged.
“Now if I was a few years younger…” She smiled.
I smiled back, although I was really thinking that she’d have to be more than a few years younger to be anywhere near my age.
“Although,” she said, “some boys your age like older women.”
I was getting more uncomfortable by the second.
“Yeah, I guess some do.”
“How about you, sweetie?”
“Um, not really,” I said, trying not to offend her. She looked at me appraisingly.
It was then that I felt her foot sliding up my leg. Her shoe was off and her touch delicate.
“What if I was to ask you to help me carry these bags to my car?” she asked, nodding toward a large stack of shopping bags sitting near her. She paused, looking into my eyes. “And if I was to ask you to slip into the back seat for a moment…” Her foot found its way to the front of my jeans, she rubbed it against me.
“Umm…I don’t…” I stammered.
“Just for a couple of minutes—just long enough for me to take a look at what you’ve got right here.” She pressed her foot hard against the bulge forming in my jeans.
I was wondering how I got myself into such a situation. Me, a gay boy, being propositioned by a woman more than twice my age, it was almost funny. I racked my brains searching for a graceful way out.
“I’d give you a big tip for…carrying my bags to the car…” She said.
I couldn’t believe it. She was treating me like I was some kind of rent boy. Part of me was insulted; part of me was just a little intrigued that she found me attractive enough to want to pay me when most boys my age would have given it up for free. Sure, she was old, but most boys would’ve been more than happy to let just about any female into their pants.
I was just about to give her a polite ‘no’ when she pulled two twenties out of her purse and pushed them across the table.
“Payment in advance,” she said.
I looked at the money and thought about Casper shivering in the barn. With forty bucks I could get us a motel room for the night. Casper could sleep in a real bed, with warm covers, in a heated room. We could both have a hot shower. There might even be enough left over for some breakfast. I crumpled the twenties in my hand and stuck them in my pocket.
Ellen stood up and handed me most of her bags. I followed her out of the diner. She led me to her car parked out back. She opened the trunk and I dumped all her shopping bags into it. She opened the back door of her car and stepped aside for me to get in. I got in and slid to the far side. Ellen got in after me.
“Such a pretty boy,” said Ellen, as she reached over and pushed my hair out of my eyes. I trembled slightly.
She ran her hands down over my chest and abdomen, then over the front of my jeans. I closed my eyes as she unfastened my belt and popped the
button on my jeans. I kept thinking about Casper laying in the barn, and about Chad, and Brad, and Stacey, about anything but what was happening.
A slight whimper escaped my lips and I tried even harder to put my mind on something besides the present. I couldn’t let myself think about what I was doing. Time slowed down to a crawl. I felt like I was in that backseat for an eternity, although it was probably no more than five minutes.
I was breathing hard. I threw my head back and moaned. It was over. Ellen leaned back. I pulled my boxers and jeans up and got out of the car. Ellen handed me a slip of paper.
“If you’re interested in doing more, I’m willing to pay you well,” she said. “You’re so beautiful.” She caressed my face.
“Uh, I’ll think about that,” I said and got out of the car.
I straightened my clothes and walked back into the diner. I picked up my order and paid the waitress. As I walked back through town, I felt like everyone was staring at me. I felt like they could all tell what I’d done, just by looking at me. I felt unclean. I’d just done something I thought I’d never do, I’d sold my body for money. I pushed the thought out of my mind and walked to the little motel on the edge of town and reserved a room for that night.
I walked back to the barn as quickly as I could so the soup and cocoa wouldn’t get cold. Casper was lying right where I’d left him. He smiled at me weakly and sat up.
“Here,” I said, “I got us some soup. It’ll warm you up.”
We sat close together. It was cold in the barn, but better than outside. Still, I could see Casper’s breath, and my own. I was glad we had a motel room for the night and wouldn’t have to make do in the barn. We’d been making do for so long that I could hardly remember what it was like to sleep in a real bed.
Casper and I finished our soup and cocoa. Casper coughed loudly. It sounded bad. That reminded me that it was getting close to time for his appointment. I helped him up and we hoisted our backpacks once more.
I took Casper to the motel first and we both had a quick shower. We left our backpacks in the room and walked to the doctor’s office. It was almost 6:30 when we sat down in the waiting room. We flipped through outdated magazines while we waited. It wasn’t long before a man who looked too old to walk came out and called Casper’s name. It was unnecessary; we were the only ones in there. Casper followed him into the back while I sat and waited. I enjoyed the warmth of the waiting room.