A Better Place

by Mark Roeder

  Some fifteen minutes later Casper came back out. I walked up to the window with him and handed the nurse $40.

  “Make sure you get plenty of rest,” she said. “And make sure you get lots of fluids to bring that fever down. Here are some cough syrup samples. And here are your prescriptions.” Casper took the cough syrup and I took the two small pieces of paper with writing on them that I couldn’t begin to read.

  “Thanks,” I said.

  I walked Casper back to the motel room, my mind troubled. I hadn’t thought about Casper’s medicine. Of course he’d have to take something to get well. The medicine would be expensive and I had less than ten dollars in my pocket. It wouldn’t be enough. I slipped my hand into my right pocket and felt the small piece of paper there. It made me tremble. No, I didn’t even want to think about it.

  I put Casper into the bed and tucked him in.

  “I’m going out,” I said. “Don’t worry if I’m late. I’m going to look around and see if I can find a job so we can make some money.”

  “Um hum,” said Casper, more than half asleep.

  I kissed his forehead and left. At least he was somewhere safe and warm. He could rest well for the night.

  I walked uptown and went to the drugstore. I gave them the prescriptions and asked how much it would be.

  “It will come to $78.67,” said the pharmacist.

  “I’ll come back tomorrow,” I said and put the prescriptions back in my pocket.

  I knew there was no job I could find that would pay me enough for Casper’s medicine. He needed it as soon as he could get it. He needed a place to rest and get well too. Sleeping out in the cold was no good for him. It made me sick to my stomach just thinking about it, but I knew what I had to do. I found a payphone, pulled the little piece of paper out of my pocket, and dialed Ellen’s number.

  Casper

  I woke up screaming and sat bolt upright in bed. My heart was pounding like I’d run a marathon. I tried to calm myself by telling myself it was just a dream. The dream was about reality, however, and what had happened to my father and brother. I didn’t have the dream very often, but when I did, it terrified me right down to my toes.

  I lay back down. I felt too weak to even sit up for more than a few moments. I coughed so hard and long I could barely breathe. My throat felt raw. Each cough set it on fire.

  I wasn’t quite sure where I was for a few moments, but then I remembered that Brendan had brought me to a motel room. The soft mattress and sheets beneath me let me know I was still there, but where was Brendan? I seemed to half remember him leaving, but I wasn’t sure why. Had he said he would be back late, or did he just say later? My mind was too foggy to remember.

  I lay on the bed shivering and sweating. For a few moments I felt like I was burning up, and then before I knew it, I felt like I was going to freeze to death. Sometimes I felt hot and cold at the same time. I couldn’t decide whether to burrow down deep under the blankets, or throw them off.

  I was glad to be in a real bed for a change, but I felt so horrible I couldn’t really appreciate it. I did appreciate being inside. It had been getting colder and colder with each passing day and I didn’t know how long I could stand it. Wandering through the countryside with Brendan had been pleasant enough in the late fall, but winter had come, and had hit hard. I worried about what we’d do.

  It was hard to keep thinking about anything for too long. My mind kept drifting. Sounds and images swam in and out and I wasn’t always sure which ones were real and which imaginary. My body ached. I felt like even my hair and fingernails hurt. I’d never been so sick before. I think if I could have wished myself dead I would have done so, just so I wouldn’t have to feel so horrible anymore. I felt weak and had trouble breathing. I wondered if maybe I wasn’t dying. At the moment, I didn’t really care.

  Brendan

  I quietly crept into the motel room in the wee hours of the morning. Casper tossed and turned on the bed, but he seemed to be asleep. I tossed the wad of bills from my pocket on the night stand. There was over three hundred dollars there. It was more than I’d ever made in my life for only a few hours work. I was disgusted with myself. I was ashamed of what I’d done. I’d sold my body for money.

  I undressed and got in the shower. I let the hot water fall down on my tired muscles. I soaped up and scrubbed myself all over. It didn’t matter how much I washed—I still felt dirty. Nothing could take away what I’d done.

  I dried off, and then slipped into bed beside Casper. I felt like I’d betrayed him. He was my boyfriend and I’d went out and slept with someone else. I felt like I’d betrayed myself too. I’d had sex with a woman.

  I reminded myself why I’d done it. I sold my body to get money for Casper’s medicine. Without it he would probably die. I didn’t sell my body for pleasure, not even for cash for something I wanted. I did it because I had to do it. I did it to survive. There was no other way. It made me better understand the boys I’d heard about, the rent boys who sold their bodies just so they could eat. I’d heard about those boys living in the big cities, having sex for money, for food, for drugs. I pitied them. I had a little taste of what it must be like for them, a taste of the shame, the revulsion of having to touch someone that disgusted me, the knowledge that I was a whore. I’d done what I had to do, but it left me feeling unclean. I wondered if I’d ever lose that feeling.

  I thought about the things I’d done with Ellen. It made me retch. She had kept telling me what a stud I was, complimenting me on my body, and my ability to perform over and over. She clearly had the night of her life. She paid me even more than she’d promised. The whole thing disgusted me. I wished that I could just wipe my mind blank so I wouldn’t have to remember what it was like.

  It was a pain I could share with no one. I’d already decided I’d never tell Casper what I’d done. Part of me just couldn’t bear the shame of it. Part of me just couldn’t stand the idea of him knowing. There was a bigger reason for keeping my secret, however. Casper would know I’d done it for him. He’d feel responsible. He’d feel like he’d made me do it. I didn’t want him living with that on his conscience. I’d take my secret with me to my grave.

  I awakened the next morning well rested. I turned and looked at Casper lying beside me. He still tossed and turned as if he had never stopped. He was covered in sweat. He moaned in his sleep. I felt his forehead and he was burning up.

  I tried not to wake him as I slipped out of bed, but he stirred. He opened his eyes and peered at me.

  “Hey,” he said with a weak, hoarse voice.

  “Hey, Casper,” I said, as I leaned over and kissed his forehead. His damp skin was so hot it nearly burned my lips.

  Casper smiled at me, but I could tell he felt like shit.

  “I’m going to go and pick up your medicine,” I told him. “Then I’ll get us something good for breakfast. Anything you want in particular?”

  “Chocolate milk and French toast,” he said.

  “You got it. Now you rest. I’ll be back as soon as I can. We’re going to stay here a few days okay? I’ll be back soon.”

  I put on my clothes and slipped out the door. I headed straight for the drug store and had Casper’s prescriptions filled. Next I went to the same diner I’d been to the afternoon before. I was half afraid Ellen would be there, but she wasn’t. I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn’t want to see her again. I didn’t want to be reminded of what I’d done. I didn’t want to look into her eyes, not with the things she knew.

  I ordered both Casper and myself French toast and chocolate milk. I also got us bacon, juice, and hash browns. He needed to eat to get his strength back and I needed a good meal too. I’d dropped too much weight while we’d been traveling. I could hardly keep my jeans up.

  Within minutes, I was sitting with Casper on the bed, chowing down on the best breakfast either of us had eaten in a long time. I gave Casper the first of his pills, and some acetaminophen I’d bought at the drug store. By the time we’d fini
shed eating, he said he felt better.

  I cleared away the mess, undressed again, and lay down beside Casper. He needed a lot of rest and I hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before either. Both of us snoozed away as the cold wind whipped around outside. I was more comfortable than I had been in a very long time.

  * * * Casper got a little better each day, but it was almost a week before I stopped worrying about him. He often woke me up at night with coughing fits and I could tell it was coming from deep in his chest. I was worried he’d get pneumonia or something. People died from that. I made sure he took his medicine and made him eat even when he didn’t feel like it.

  I was glad we had a warm motel room to sleep in. The temperature dropped into the teens and the snow fell steadily. I don’t think we could have made it outside. I guess we could’ve stayed in the old barn we’d slept in that one night, but it would have been miserably cold. Our room wasn’t fancy, but it was comfortable enough. I’d slept outside on enough cold nights to just appreciate being warm.

  * * * A little over a week after first setting foot in the small town that had temporarily become our home, I awakened to find Casper out of bed and out of the room. There was a note on the nightstand.

  “Brendan, went for a short walk, be back soon. Casper.” I’d little more than read the note when Casper returned.

  “Hey, Brendan,” he said smiling.

  “You feeling better?” I asked.

  “Much!”

  Casper was back to his old self again. He was smiling and laughing. His

  brow no long felt hot and his cough was all but gone. To celebrate his recovery, we showered, dressed, and then walked to the little diner where I’d been getting all of our meals.

  “Hey Brendan,” said Susie, the waitress, as we entered. “What’s up boy? asked Alec, the cook and owner. I’d gotten to know them both well since I was there so often.

  “Ah nothin’ much,” I said.

  “Is this your friend?” asked Susie. I’d told her a lot about him.

  “Yeah, this is Casper. Casper meet Susie.” Casper smiled sweetly.

  “You didn’t tell me what a cutie he was,” said Susie. Casper blushed and it made him even cuter.

  “Whatca doin Alec?” I asked. He was drawing on a large piece of paper.

  “Putting up a help wanted sign,” he answered. “My bus boy quit last night and Rachel is leaving too.” Rachel was the other waitress, but I didn’t know her well.

  I thought to myself for a moment. Casper and I were going through our money much faster than was wise and it had grown so cold we couldn’t possibly survive outside. The help wanted sign provided an opportunity.

  “I don’t think you need that sign,” I said.

  “Why not?”

  “Because your new waiter and bus boy are sitting right here. What do you think?”

  Alec looked me and Casper over.

  “Think you can handle it?” he asked.

  “Yes,” I said. “I’ve already got your menu memorized. I’ve ordered everything there is on it. Casper can clear tables and wash dishes. I’ll help when we’re not busy with customers too.”

  “You know the pay isn’t even quite minimum wage,” said Alec. “Of course you get your meals free, and tips, so that helps.”

  “Sounds good to me, how about you Casper?”

  “Great,” he said.

  “I’ll tell you boys what I’ll do. I’ll hire you on approval. We’ll see how you work out. If all goes well the first week, then you’ve got a job as long as you want it. If not, then I’ll put up this sign.”

  “Fair enough,” I said. “When do we start?”

  “I could use you right now.”

  “Then now it is.”

  “Well, you can have your breakfast first. You’re on the payroll now, so it’s on me.”

  “Thanks Alec.”

  Casper and I ordered some French toast and sausages, with chocolate milk. We ate quickly, eager to start our new jobs.

  “I guess since I’m the busboy it means I have to wash these dishes,” said Casper laughing.

  “Yeah,” I said, “and since this place is none too busy right now, I guess I get to help.”

  Not long after finishing breakfast, I took my first order. I had a little trouble writing everything down fast enough, but I knew I’d get the hang of it quick enough. Casper seemed to like his job. He wasn’t quite recovered from his illness, but I think he felt so much better that he didn’t mind working.

  I did a little calculating as I waited on orders to be filled. With our combined salaries, we could afford to live in our motel room. The rates were cheaper by the week. Getting our meals free at the diner helped too. We wouldn’t be out anything for food. That would allow us to save up some money for whatever lay ahead. I felt more secure than I had in a long time.

  Casper

  The snow fell gently as I walked downtown. Brendan was back in the motel room resting. I’d told him I wanted to walk and think, but I had more purpose in getting out by myself than that. Christmas was less than a week away and I wanted to get Brendan something nice.

  I took my time walking to Driskle’s, the only department store in town. It was growing dark and all the lights in the store windows blinked in a multitude of colors. There were decorations in the windows and wreaths on the doors. It was beautiful. It reminded me of the home town I’d left behind. Every Christmas there I walked around looking at all the decorations on the houses and shops. We didn’t even have a tree at home, but the town was always decked out for the season. Oddly enough, I didn’t miss it. I was more content to be right where I was. I was far happier with Brendan in that cheap motel room than I ever had been at home.

  I stopped outside the window of Driskle’s and peered through the window. There was a giant tree surrounded by lots of wrapped packages. Its lights twinkled and its tinsel sparkled. A mechanical Santa Claus waved at me through the window. There was even a fireplace with stockings hung by the chimney. It seemed almost magical.

  I pushed open the door and walked inside. I looked all around me while I listened to the Christmas music playing. I wanted to get Brendan just the right thing. I knew I shouldn’t be spending very much of the money I’d made, but I wanted to get him something. There had been no Christmas presents at my house since my mother died. I was excited to have someone to buy something for, and especially someone I loved so much.

  Driskle’s sold just about everything. I looked at some records, but that wasn’t very practical since we didn’t have a record player. We could hardly take

  199 such a thing with us when we moved on either. I looked through a few books too, but it seemed a little wasteful buying a book when we could get lots of them from the library for free. I wandered all around the store, racking my brains to think of something cool that would actually be useful.

  I walked into the clothing section and my eyes lit on just the right thing. There were some nice winter coats hanging there on display. I liked one in particular. It looked thick and warm. I tried it on and it felt like it was stuffed with goose down. It was real comfy. It had been more than a hundred dollars, but it was on sale for only sixty-five. It was a lot of money, but it was something practical. Brendan didn’t have a winter coat, only a jacket that was more suited to early fall. I picked out one in his size and paid for it with money I’d earned at the restaurant. I even had it wrapped in pretty Christmas paper with little Christmas trees all over it.

  I couldn’t help but smile as I walked out the door. I knew Brendan would be really excited on Christmas morning when I gave him his present. I held the box tight against my chest and once again gazed at all the lights and decorations as I walked through the sleepy little town. It wasn’t a bad place to live. It was sure a lot better than where I’d come from.

  This would be my first Christmas without a family. Things hadn’t been so good at home, however, so there wasn’t that much to miss. I did miss Christmas back when my mom was alive. She alway
s baked all kinds of Christmas cookies. The whole house smelled like Christmas when she’d been baking. About a week before Christmas she’d start in baking and Dad, Jason, and I would go out and get a tree. By the time we got back, there would be freshly baked cookies and hot chocolate waiting on us. Then we’d all decorate the tree together and I got to put the star on top. It had been a long time since I’d had a Christmas like that. This Christmas would be the best one in years.

  Brendan was in the bathroom when I returned to the room, so I quickly hid the package behind the dresser. I wanted it to be a surprise. He came out of the bathroom and gave me a great big hug and kissed me. Yeah, it was going to be the best Christmas ever.

  * * * After supper in the diner, Brendan and I walked through town and out into the countryside. It was snowing and very cold and I wondered where Brendan was taking me. He cut off the road and we waded through deep snow into a small wood. I could see my breath clearly as we stepped under the trees. Brendan stayed just ahead until he spotted a large pine tree.

  “What do you think?” he said, pointing at it. “If you’re thinking about taking that home, you’re crazy,” I told him. It had to be fifty feet tall.

  Brendan just laughed. He pulled out his pocket knife and began sawing off a low branch. It was about three feet long. Pretty soon it was free of the tree. Brendan stood it on end.

  “Now what do you think?”

  The branch looked like a little Christmas tree standing there. I looked at Brendan and smiled.

  “I think it’s perfect!” I said.

  Brendan picked it up and we walked back toward town. In just a few minutes we were inside our warm motel room setting up our little Christmas tree. A towel wound around its base kept it standing up with no problem at all.