by Mark Roeder
On our left were hundreds of yards of untouched field, while to our right were a few feet of freshly plowed earth. I loved the smell of the damp soil. It was a scent I’d never experienced before. I thought about what the field would look like later in the season, when it would be filled with tall corn. It was empty now, a blank canvas for nature to paint.
“Think you’re ready to give it a try?” Ethan asked. “Yeah, just guide me through it, okay? I’ve never driven one of these things,” I said.
Ethan stopped the tractor, turned it off, and he and I switched places. Ethan bent low over my bare back as he showed me the controls. I could feel his hot breath on my neck.
“First you turn the key, just like you are starting a car.” he told me. I tried it.
“Nothing happened,” I said. I wondered if I’d done something wrong.
“It’s not supposed to yet. See that little, round piece of rubber near your foot? Step on it.” I did so and the tractor started right up. “This lever here,” he said, showing me one near the steering wheel, “controls the throttle. It’s set to just keep the tractor running right now. Push it up about a quarter of the way.” I did so and the engine surged to life. “Okay, put it back where it was. See
233 where the gear shift is now? That’s neutral. Always make sure it’s in neutral when you start the engine. If you don’t, the tractor will take off and you might get thrown off if you aren’t paying attention, or you’ll just kill the engine. The gears are real simple, kind of like a truck. Have you ever driven with a clutch?”
“Yeah.”
“Then you should be okay. Just remember, don’t put it in reverse while anything is attached to the tractor, not until you’ve learned how to back up with the plow or discs on. Okay, now put it in gear, and then push the throttle forward just a little.”
The tractor moved forward down the field. I didn’t keep it quite in line, but I did pretty well as we crept along.
“Man, this thing is hard to steer!”
“That’s because it has manual steering, not power steering like on a car. It’s a little difficult until you get the hang of it. Turning is the worst of course, that takes some muscle. When you are ready, give it a little more power. Don’t push it more than three-quarters of the way up though, we can’t go too fast if we’re going to plow the field right.”
I gave the old tractor some more power and smiled.
“I like this,” I said.
“Yeah, it is kind of cool. Uncle Jack always did most of the plowing and disking, but I’ll be doing a lot of it from now on. We’ll have a lot more plowing to do, so it’ll take us both. I’m sure you’ll be a big help too.”
I started to veer off course a bit as my attention wandered. Having Ethan so close to me made it hard to concentrate.
“Make sure you keep the wheels straight or part of the field won’t get plowed.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it. You’re just learning. You’ll get it down in no time at all.”
I hoped that he was right. We slowly made our way down the field. It was late April and the sun was already beginning to feel nice and warm. I felt a small trickle of sweat flow down my bare chest. It was a sign of things to come. In a few weeks time summer would come and I knew I’d be sweating up a storm as I worked under the sun. I wouldn’t mind that. I loved the feel of sweat running off my body. It made me feel alive.
“You’re really getting the hang of this,” said Ethan. “I’m sure glad. I don’t mind telling you that we’ll need your help desperately if we are going to get all the fields plowed and disked and the crops planted on time. Some of the new acreage hasn’t even been cleared of brush yet. I’m sure glad you and Casper showed up. I don’t think Jack, Nathan, and I could handle this by ourselves. Without you we’d have a lot of new farmland we couldn’t use.”
Ethan and I talked as I plowed the field. I told him that I was seventeen and Casper fifteen. I also told him that I was into football and had been the quarterback and team captain back home. I learned that Ethan was a wrestler. That made sense. He sure had the build of a wrestler. I was a little jealous of his build, in a friendly way. I was thrilled to learn that he had a weight machine. He even said I could work out with him, Casper too if he wanted. I was looking forward to that. I was definitely out of shape.
I could tell that Ethan wanted to ask me some more personal stuff, but he was nice enough not to pry. I was relieved. There were certain questions that I didn’t really feel like answering, at least not yet. I was especially worried about what Ethan and Nathan would think when they found out I was gay, and Casper too. They seem like pretty cool guys, but I knew finding out we were gay could change that pretty fast. We couldn’t keep something like that a secret forever, but I wanted to keep it quiet as long as I could. If Ethan and Nathan had a chance to get to know Casper and me before they found out about us, then maybe they wouldn’t take it so bad.
“Slow up when you get to the end. The turn will be hard.”
I felt my muscles bulge as I struggled to turn the steering wheel and bring the tractor around. It was a lot harder than I was expecting. Driving that tractor would be sort of a workout itself.
“Yeah, that’s it, you got it. Now check behind you and line us up so that we aren’t missing any areas. There you go. Just steer straight ahead now. Pretty soon you’ll get the hang of the spacing and you won’t even have to check.”
I smiled. I was worried about a lot of things, but I really liked working on the farm. I really liked Ethan, and Nathan, and Dave and Jack too. I just hoped that everything would work out. I wanted to stay.
Nathan
I closed the door to our room before slipping into bed beside Ethan. We often closed the door for privacy, but with Brendan and Casper in the house I was uneasy. I really liked Casper, and Brendan too, but I knew that a lot of boys would freak out if they discovered that Ethan and I were boyfriends.
Maybe I was being paranoid for nothing. When Ethan came out to his wrestling team, that day after defeating Zac for the championship, I really thought there was going to be big trouble. I figured Ethan’s team-mates would turn on him like a pack of wolves. I know Ethan was afraid of that too. It made me admire him all the more when he had the balls to tell his entire team face to face. They’d been really cool about it too. Every single one of Ethan’s teammates had stood by him, except for Zac, but that was no surprise.
“I wonder why they left home.” I said. Ethan knew I was talking about Brendan and Casper.
“Me too. I guess we’ll find out in time. I came close to asking Brendan
today, but I didn’t want to seem too nosy. He kind of stiffens up when I ask
him anything the least bit personal.”
“Yeah, I did ask Casper, but he just said they both had trouble at home. He
didn’t volunteer any details and I didn’t press him. It must have been something pretty bad for them to leave home though.”
“Yeah.”
“He seems really afraid of his brother. Casper gets this fearful look in his
eyes whenever he’s mentioned. He must have done something horrible to
him.”
“Well, they’re safe from that here. Jack won’t let anything happen to them,
neither will you or I for that matter.”
“Jack is really a nice guy, isn’t he? I mean, I know we needed help around
here bad, but I think he took Brendan and Casper on to help them, more than
to get help with the farm work.”
“I was thinking that too. Jack’s kind of rough on the outside, but he’s a big
old softy on the inside. I guess you know that already, though.” “Yep. I still wouldn’t want to cross him.”
“Me neither.”
“Just think, Ethan, in a little over a month, school will be over. I can’t wait.” “Same here. With wrestling season over, it’s not as fun.”
“I’m tired of all of them look
ing at me too. I mean, everyone has been
pretty cool about everything, but I still feel like I’m some kind of sideshow
freak sometimes.”
“Yeah, I feel that way too. I wonder what they’re thinking about us sometimes. At least no one’s been giving us any trouble.”
“Devon and Zac would if they could.”
“No kidding. I think we’ve got them cowed for the time being, however. I
really thought Brandon was going to kill Devon that night.”
I knew that Ethan was remembering the night that Zac, Devon, and three of
their buddies jumped us. I’d never been so scared in all my life. I had good reason to be scared too. They would have killed us if Jon and Brandon hadn’t
come to our rescue. Sometimes I still had bad dreams about it. Ethan did too. “Well, at least they’re off our backs for now.”
“You know Brendan will probably be starting school in a couple of weeks.” “Yeah.”
“You know he’s going to find out about us pretty fast. We’re still big news,
the only openly gay boys in the whole school.”
“True.”
“You think maybe we should tell him and Casper before they find out?” “Probably, but let’s not tell them quite yet okay? They’ve only been here for
a day. We don’t have to tell them right off, do we?”
“Nah, it can wait, but it can’t wait long.”
I turned to Ethan and looked into his eyes. I loved him so much it almost
hurt. I ran my finger down his chest, and then kissed him. We lie there and
kissed, until we fell asleep in each others arms.
Brendan
The phone rang. Nathan answered it, and then handed it to me. I smiled. There were only two people who could possibly be calling me, and I’d be glad to hear from either of them. It was Brad, my best friend.
“How are you farm boy?”
“I’ve only been here a week, Brad, I don’t think that qualifies me as a farm boy yet. I’m loving it though. You should see this place. I plowed this big ass field all by myself yesterday. It must have been like fifty acres or something.”
“You sure sound like a farm boy to me.”
“How are you doing? How are the guys?”
“I’m great and the guys are too. Everyone’s still wondering what happened to you. Some of the guys ask me about you now and then, but I just tell them I don’t know any more than they do.”
“Cool. You won’t have to keep lying for long. My birthday is in a couple weeks and then my parents can go screw themselves.”
“You coming back here after your birthday?”
“No, not right away anyway. My parents and the Cloverdale Center can’t touch me after I turn eighteen, but I still won’t have any money, or any place to live.”
“I’m sure my parents would let you stay here, and can’t you get your hands on your money once you turn eighteen?”
“Thanks for offering, but me moving in would be a bit too much to ask of your parents. As for my money, I’m sure my father has it tied up in enough legal knots that I won’t be able to get at it for months. Besides, I won’t leave Casper and I don’t think it would be good for him to go back. There are too many bad memories there, especially after what happened to his dad. He doesn’t talk about it, but it bothers him. Sometimes he has nightmares. I’ll come and visit you sometime, but I don’t plan on moving back, at least not for a long, long time. Casper and I really like it here.”
“It’s about Casper that I called,” said Brad. “Jason’s been cleared by the District Attorney’s Office. They’ve decided that him killing his dad was self defense.”
“You can’t be serious!?”
“I’m afraid I am. Casper’s dad didn’t have too good of a reputation. He’d been picked up for disorderly conduct a few times when he was drunk. The school made some reports to social services about him too. You know teachers have to report when they think someone is being abused. I guess they saw Casper’s bruises a few times and turned his dad in. Anyway, Jason put on a big act while he was in the hospital, and after. He claimed his dad abused and molested him. He claimed that his dad was going to kill him and Casper the night he killed him. He said he killed him in self defense.”
“That’s total bullshit, Brad! You know it!”
“Yeah, I know it, but the D.A.’s office bought it.”
“Didn’t you and Stacey tell them what really happened?”
“Yeah, we did, but we were really telling what you said happened. We weren’t in the room at the time you know. If you were down here to testify it might have been different, but coming from me and Stacey it was just hearsay.”
I guess I could understand that. It still sucked big time though.
“Jason claimed he had Casper down on the bed because he was trying to get him to leave the house before their dad came. He said you got the wrong idea when you came in. Oh, you should have heard him. He even said he didn’t blame you for attacking him. He said he was glad that you were looking out for his little brother like that, but that you just had the wrong idea about things. To hear him talk you’d have thought he was Casper’s guardian angel or something.”
“And how did he explain threatening to kill me?”
“He said he knew his dad was coming soon, and that he was desperate to get Casper out of there. He said he threatened you because it was the only way to get away in time, that he would have never really shot you.”
“I can’t fucking believe it.”
“Jason told them his dad came in just then with a shotgun. He said his dad shot first. He fired back because he knew his dad was going to kill him and Casper, and probably you too.”
240 A Better Place “They did fire at about the same time,” I said. “I couldn’t say for sure myself which one fired first.”
“Jason made it a real convincing story. Hell, I’d have believed him if I didn’t know better. He kept fucking crying over what had happened, about how sorry he was to have to kill his own father. He kept saying he’d never get over it, that it would haunt him forever. He kept crying about Casper too, about how he missed him and how worried he was about him.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah, Jason’s one good actor. Stacey and I told what we’d seen, but we didn’t really see all that much. It was pretty much over when we ran in. Jason was able to twist it all around until he was the victim. I think what really clinched it was that there was lots of evidence that Casper’s dad was abusive, but nothing on Jason. The school records showed he’d been in lots of fights, but there was nothing about him abusing Casper. It’s too bad Casper didn’t march into the principals office every time Jason did something to him and report it, then there’d have been a record of it.”
“Yeah, but Jason would have hurt him that much more if he did.”
“Anyway, Jason’s been cleared of everything. He’s living on his own and he’s being real smart about it. He never misses school and you’d think he was all perfect when anyone is around that counts. He hasn’t changed though. He gives me a look now and then that tells me he’s as up to no good as ever. I’m sure he’s still pissed at Casper too.”
“Thanks, Brad. I don’t like it, but I’m glad you told me about it. I’m glad we’re a couple of hundred miles or so away too. Casper’s safe here.”
We went on talking and it was good to hear from my best friend. I missed him terribly, but until I turned eighteen I just couldn’t risk seeing him. At least I could hear his voice, that alone was something.
I hung up the phone and looked at Nathan. He was only a few feet away where he was getting lunch ready. I knew he’d heard everything, but politely acted as if he hadn’t.
“I guess you’re wondering what that was all about?”
“Well, I didn’t mean to listen, but it was kind of interesting.”
“That’s all right. I think it’s time me and Casper told everyone what happened the night we l
eft.”
A few minutes later we all sat down to lunch. I told Casper about the phone call from Brad and he was cool with telling everyone what had happened. Together we explained how Jason attacked him (leaving out the sexual details, but I have little doubt they guessed). I told them about my fight with Jason and how he was all ready to kill me when Casper’s dad shot him, and got shot himself. I also told them about Jason being cleared of his crime.
“Sounds like someone you need to stay clear of,” said Uncle Jack to Casper. Both Casper and I had taken to calling the old man “Uncle Jack.” It just seemed right.
“Oh I plan to,” said Casper. “I’m glad to be away from him.”
Uncle Jack, Ethan, Nathan, and Dave now knew just about everything about our reasons to flee, except the big one, that we were gay. I wasn’t at all looking forward to telling them that.
Nathan
“She’s coming here?” asked Casper.
“Yes, the day after tomorrow,” said Jack.
I knew something was up when I saw Jack walking toward the garden where
Casper and I were working. It was after supper and Jack was usually busy at work in the fields at that time of day. He’d stayed in the house after supper, however, and I guess he’d been busy talking to Casper’s grandmother on the phone.
“She’s a little put out with you boy. Well, more than a little, let’s say she’s furious. She said she was relieved beyond belief when she got my letter that you were okay. She’s been worried sick about you. The authorities called her months ago when your dad was killed and told her you were nowhere to be found. She’s been expecting you to show up, or to at least write.”
Casper swallowed hard.
“I didn’t think she cared that much about me.”
“Boy, she’s been turning the country upside down looking for you. As soon