A Better Place

by Mark Roeder

  as she got my letter she called straight away and, like I said, she’ll be here the day after tomorrow.”

  “But you sent that letter out two weeks ago, or more,” said Casper.

  “True, but your grandmother was in Kentucky trying to figure out where you could have gone.”

  Jack left and I could tell Casper was doing a lot of thinking. He looked slightly afraid, but there was a little smile on his lips that made me feel warm inside. I understood it. If I’d just found out that my grandmother loved me when I thought that she didn’t, I’d have been smiling too. That wouldn’t happen for me, all my grandparents were dead.

  “You know my grandmother used to come every Christmas and bring up presents,” said Casper. “She made these great cookies too. They were so good. They had chocolate chips, and pecans, and something chewy in them too.”

  “That does sound good.”

  “Yeah, she was the best, until my mom died. After that she just came once at Christmas and her and dad argued a lot. That was the last time I saw her. I thought she didn’t care about me anymore, like Dad.”

  Tears welled up in Casper’s eyes and I hugged him. I knew all about having parents that didn’t care. Casper wiped the tears from his eyes and smiled.

  “I guess I was wrong about that, though. She did send me Christmas cards every year. They probably had money in them too, but I bet Jason took it. He always got to the mail first and handed me Grandma’s cards already opened.”

  “What a rat.”

  “Worse than a rat.”

  “Yeah.”

  Brendan’s words as he told about the night Casper’s dad had been killed were still fresh in my mind. I was pretty sure that Jason had done some really nasty things to Casper, sexual things, like my mom had done to me. Brendan hadn’t said, but then he wouldn’t have. I understood all too well. It made me feel for Casper all the more. I was sure glad his grandmother was coming. I wanted Casper to be happy.

  We continued with our planting and Casper seemed happy enough. I would’ve known he liked the farm even if he hadn’t told me so several times. The two of us got on well and Ethan liked him too. I really liked the way Casper spent time with Dave. It reminded me of how Ethan treated him, like he was his little brother.

  What I noticed most of all was how Casper acted around Brendan. There was something between those two and I was pretty sure I knew what it was. My fears of them finding out Ethan and I were boyfriends were growing less and less. I was pretty sure that Brendan and Casper were just like us. There was something in the way they looked at each other, something in the way their hands lingered when they touched. It was in the eyes mostly, however. I could see the love in their eyes. Maybe they were just really good friends, but I had a strong feeling they were much more.

  Brendan

  I grabbed the sapling and pulled it out of the earth with brute force. I was sweating up a storm in the afternoon sun. My bare torso was positively slick with sweat. Casper’s chest and back gleamed in the sun. If I wasn’t mistaken, he was already beginning to put on a little muscle.

  I tossed the sapling onto the stack of brush and went in search of the next. It didn’t take me long to find another to rip out of the earth. It was a weekday. Ethan, Nathan, and Dave were in school, and Casper and I were working on clearing some of the new land to make it suitable for farming. It was one of those tasks that never ended. Whenever any of us weren’t working elsewhere on the farm, we spent our time clearing land. It was hard work, but I liked it. I could tell Casper did too.

  I took hold of a small tree and pulled. It wouldn’t budge so I went for the shovel and ax. I dug around the base until I could get at the roots, then I hacked them away until I could pull the entire tree out of the ground. There were a lot of small trees that required considerable effort to get out, but all the bushes and saplings were really easy. Thanks to the sandy soil of northern Indiana, most of the smaller growth could just be ripped out of the ground with a good tug. The soil was a lot different from the heavy clay where I’d grown up. In Kentucky, getting even the smallest sapling out of the ground required a lot of digging and chopping.

  The task ahead of us was still considerable. There were a lot of big trees that had to be cut down too. We only worked with those when Uncle Jack was around. It was dangerous felling a tree and he liked to be there to at least supervise. Ethan knew how to notch the trunk so that the tree would fall in the right direction, and I was learning. It was still dangerous though. I’d learned that just the day before. Ethan had notched a big oak and cut through the trunk. We were all watching the huge tree begin to topple when the bottom of the trunk flew back several feet with the force of a freight train and crushed another tree to the ground. Ethan said trees did that sometimes when they were coming down. It was called “kicking back” and was the reason no one ever stood behind a tree when it was falling. All of us always stood well beyond the reach of the tree when it was going down, except the one doing the sawing, of course. That was always Uncle Jack, or Ethan, and both of them were experts at getting out of the way. I was eager to try my hand at it. Jack said it wasn’t dangerous if you used common sense.

  The stack of brush grew higher and higher. It was already well above my head. Casper and I kept adding to it and it grew slowly, like a mountain rising out of the depths of the earth. We took a break from clearing and went to check on the progress of one of the many stumps that we were burning out. The stumps of the really big trees were just too big to dig out, so they had to be burned away. We took some of the larger brush, and some wood cut from one of the trees, and stacked it against the stump. That kept the fire eating away at the wood. Jack said it would take days, but that finally the stump would burn low enough that the plow wouldn’t hit it. There were several stumps smoldering away around us and it made the air smoky. I loved the smell of a wood fire and didn’t even mind when it burned my eyes now and then.

  Casper and I went around and added fuel where it was needed to keep the stumps burning then went back to work clearing away brush and saplings. There was something satisfying about manual labor. I felt good about what we were doing. We were accomplishing something real.

  I was feeling physically fit. Farm work was like a good workout. Several days of it had managed to tone my muscles. I was pretty sure it was adding on muscle too. I could see it in Casper’s slim form and feel it in my own. Ethan and I hadn’t had the chance to start working out with his weights yet, but we hardly needed to lift weights with the work we were doing. Chopping out roots was as good as barbell curls any day.

  I looked up and saw Uncle Jack approaching in the distance. He wasn’t alone. There was an old lady with him. I knew it had to be Casper’s grandmother.

  “Hey, Casper,” I said. He looked up and saw her coming. She was still at some distance. We both retrieved our shirts from where they were hanging on a limb and slipped them on. I smoothed out my hair as best I could and hoped that I wasn’t all dirty. Casper looked nervous. His grandmother’s arrival was no surprise, we’d been expecting her, but it was still a bit of a shock to look up and see her walking toward us.

  The pair got closer and closer. I wanted to take Casper’s hand and reassure him that everything would be okay. I couldn’t do that, however. The last thing he needed was to explain to his grandmother that he had a boyfriend. If she knew that, she might take him away with her. That was my secret fear. I hadn’t told Casper about it, because I didn’t want him to worry, but I was afraid that she’d take him away from me. I knew Casper wouldn’t let that happen if he could help it, but I also knew that it might not be his choice. Casper was fifteen, and that meant he wasn’t really free. Neither was I. I’d learned that lesson the hard way. I was on the brink of freedom, but Casper was still three years away.

  In mere moments, Uncle Jack and Casper’s grandmother were standing before us. She was a kindly looking woman, probably in her early sixties. There was something to her that told me I didn’t want to cross her. I had no
doubt she could be as tough as nails if she needed to be.

  She and Casper just stood there and looked at each other for several moments. Casper was trembling, but whether it was from fear, or something else, I could not tell. Without warning he crossed the small space between them, hugged her tight, and started crying. The old lady hugged him and petted his hair.

  “I’ve been so worried about you, Clint. I never thought I’d see you again.” It was the first time I ever heard anyone call Casper by his real name.

  Casper stopped crying, leaned back, and looked up into his grandmother’s eyes.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t write you or anything, but I thought…well, I thought you didn’t care about me.”

  “Not care about you? Where’d you get an outlandish idea like that?”

  “Well, you never came to see me. You never called. You only wrote me at Christmas…” His voice trailed off.

  “We have a lot to talk about, honey.” The old lady’s eyes were filled with tears.

  “This is Brendan,” said Casper. “He’s my best friend in the whole world. He’s been watching out for me this whole time, so you had nothing to worry about.”

  “We’ve been watching out for each other,” I said, as I took the old lady’s hand. That wasn’t enough for her; she took me in her arms and hugged me. It almost made me cry as well.

  “Thank you, young man.” Her words were filled with more meaning than they seemed. I really liked Casper’s grandmother. I nearly thought of her as my own.

  “I think you two have done enough for today. Let’s go inside and have a talk,” said Uncle Jack.

  Casper and I each grabbed a quick shower. Actually we took a quick shower together, but no one knew that. When we came downstairs just minutes later, Uncle Jack and Casper’s grandmother were sitting at the kitchen table. They were having tea, which was odd for Jack, he was a coffee man. No doubt he was going out of his way to be polite. I also noticed that he was dressed better than usual. He must have fixed himself up to go and pick up Casper’s grandmother.I poured Casper and myself some tea and got out a few cookies as well.

  “Would you like some more tea…um…” I didn’t know what to call Casper’s grandmother.

  “You can call me Ardelene,” she said. “And yes, I’d love more tea.” She

  smiled as she spoke. I liked her a lot.

  Uncle Jack explained our predicament in detail, concerning me and Casper

  staying on the farm and the whole custody question. Ardelene wanted to know

  exactly what happened the night her son was killed, so Casper and I told her

  the whole story. Well, not quite the whole story. We explained how Jason

  attacked Casper, but not that the attack was sexual in nature. We left out that

  little bit. I knew Casper wouldn’t want his grandmother hearing about that. I

  did most of the talking because it was hard for Casper. It was hard for Ardelene

  too. Tears filled her eyes as I told her how her son had died. Uncle Jack handed

  her his handkerchief.

  We also told her about our travels and our long stay in Purity. Some of what

  we were saying was news to Jack, but most of it he’d already heard. I left out

  the parts about Ellen, of course. Not even Casper knew about her. I wasn’t

  proud that I’d sold my body for money, and I never wanted Casper to know I’d

  done it to buy his medicine. I pushed it from my mind. It was something I didn’t want to remember, but I wasn’t sorry I’d done it. If I hadn’t, Casper would

  have died for sure. Anything was worth saving his life.

  Ethan, Nathan, and Dave came in from school as we talked. Uncle Jack

  introduced Ardelene and she remarked on what handsome boys they were.

  Nathan especially turned a little red at her compliment. Dave sat right down

  by her and took up with her immediately. Casper and I continued the tale of

  our journey and pretty soon we’d talked our way up to the present. Casper needed some time alone with his grandmother, so all of us excused

  ourselves and went off to our various chores. I liked Ardelene, but I was nervous about her being there. I tried to reassure myself that everything would be

  okay.

  Nathan

  Ethan helped me wash up after supper. It was a great meal, and I’m not just saying that because I did most of the cooking. Having Casper’s grandmother there made things different somehow, and it was a good change. The biggest change I noticed was in Uncle Jack. He was far less gruff and even smiled now and then.

  “Did you notice Jack at supper?” I asked.

  “He was positively charming wasn’t he?” said Ethan.

  “I think he likes Casper’s grandma.”

  “I don’t know. Maybe. He was awfully nice to her. Maybe he was just trying

  to put her at ease. Maybe he’s just being nice because he wants Casper to stay here.”

  “I think it’s more than that. There was something in his eyes.”

  “You might be right. I noticed he didn’t take off to do any farm work after supper. He took Casper’s grandmother out to show her around the farm instead. Not working after supper isn’t normal for Jack, but then we never had visitors before either.”

  “I think something’s up with him, and I don’t think it has anything to do with him wanting Casper to stay and help with the farm work.”

  We dried our hands and went outside. It was getting quite dark. As we came around the house, there was Uncle Jack and Ardelene sitting on the swing on the front porch, talking quietly. They looked almost like young lovers and I was surer than ever that Jack really liked Ardelene. She didn’t seem to mind his company either.

  We walked on to check on how things were going in the field that we’d all been working so hard to clear. Brendan and Casper had gone out right after supper to build up the fires around the stumps. As we neared, I couldn’t see

  249 them anywhere. It wasn’t until we were almost on top of them that I noticed them. I don’t know who was shocked more, Ethan and I, or Brendan and Casper.

  The boys were lying on the ground, wrapped in each others arms. Their lips were pressed together. They were making out like nobody’s business. They became aware of our presence almost the instant we walked up. They broke apart and jumped to their feet so fast that it was all a blur.

  “Fuck!” said Brendan. Both boys were clearly frightened. I don’t know exactly how they were expecting Ethan and me to react, but I could tell they didn’t think we’d take it well. Brendan positioned himself a little forward of Casper, protecting him. I guess he planned to fight us off and keep us from hurting Casper if we attacked them.

  “Guys listen…” said Brendan.

  “It’s okay,” said Ethan, cutting Brendan off. “It’s all right, really.” Ethan was sparing Brendan and Casper the pain of standing before us in

  fear. I know those boys had to be thinking we’d hate them for being gay. I was proud that Ethan was moving so fast to put them at ease. “It’s okay,” repeated Ethan. “It’s cool with us. Nathan thought you guys might be like us. We understand.”

  Brendan and Casper visibly relaxed, although they seemed a little taken back. I think Ethan’s words shocked them, especially the “you guys might be like us” part. Brendan moved out of his protective stance and stood by Casper’s side.

  “So are you boyfriends?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” said Casper.

  “Man, how likely is this, four gay boys on the same farm?” laughed Ethan. What little remaining tension there was dissipated in an instant.

  “So are you guys…?” said Brendan, looking at me and Ethan.

  “Yeah, we’re boyfriends,” said Ethan. He put his arm around my waist and pulled me close.

  “Does Uncle Jack know?” asked Brendan.

  “Yeah, we told him months ago.”

  “And he’s cool with it?”

>   “Yeah, about as cool as he could be,” said Ethan. “I don’t think he’s entirely comfortable with it, but he was accepting, and understanding, right from the

  Mark A. Roeder 251 start. I can tell you that was the biggest surprise of my life. I expected him to send us packing.”

  “Yeah,” said Brendan.

  “I think he has more problems with it than he lets on. Sometimes I catch a look from him when Nathan and I are together that’s kind of, I don’t know, a little disapproving. He’s cool though.”

  “I told him I was gay,” said Brendan, “the evening we came here. I had to tell him to explain why I had to leave home. I thought he’d boot me and Casper out for it too, but he didn’t. I didn’t say anything about Casper and me being boyfriends though. I didn’t know how well he’d take that. We were going to tell you all that later on, when the time was right.”

  “Sounds like our plan for telling you guys about us,” I said, smiling at Ethan.

  “So your parents kicked you out when they found out about you?” I asked.

  “Worse than that,” said Brendan, “much, much worse.”

  Brendan told us his story. What his parents had done to him was far worse than just kicking him out. I couldn’t believe they had him taken away by the police and put in a hospital. I couldn’t believe that hospitals like that even existed. The tale Brendan told was like some kind of horror story, about a place where mad doctors used drugs and pain to try to turn him straight. It sounded like something out of fiction, but it was true. I could read the pain and fear on Brendan’s face as he relived the past.

  “I can’t even imagine going through something like that,” said Ethan. “I think I’d wake up screaming.”

  “Sometimes I do,” said Brendan softly. “Sometimes I have nightmares that I’m back there again.” Casper hugged him close, comforting him.

  We talked more, in low voices, telling things we’d never told before. For the first time, all the little pieces of the puzzle began to fit and we started to understand one another as we never could before.