Accidental Nazi

by Ward Wagher

  “Those factions have some influence, I believe.”

  “True, but Roosevelt and their Congress will make the decisions. You will notice that Gordon Smoke seems to have fallen off the face of the Earth.”

  “Interesting that,” Schreiber said. “On the other hand, it did seem to quiet things down when we moved all of those U-Boats to the Mediterranean.”

  “It's not so much that, Peter. It's the fact that we stopped sinking merchant ships. And that is also dangerous. When the convoys get through to England, the English will get stronger. That puts a time limit on concluding this war. Our scientific edge is what will win the war for us. If the Americans begin developing new weapons and sharing with the English, we will be in trouble.”

  “Do you really think the English are that dangerous, Hennie?”

  “I do. Our best hope is if we can encourage enough dissatisfaction with Churchill that their government falls apart. Getting somebody with Chamberlain’s perspective back is probably too much to expect. But if they put someone into the premiership who will respond to a nice tasty lure, we may be able to conclude this war on decent terms.

  “With Chamberlain dead, are there any likely candidates?”

  “We can only hope. Now, on that premise...” and Schloss stood.

  “Thank you for your time,” Schreiber said.

  Schloss nodded. “Thank you for bringing the message.”

  After Peter left, Schloss returned to the items Willem Kirke had arranged on his desk. On the top of the pile was a report on a Gauleiter in the Alsace. The man was a butcher – his first instinct seemed to be to execute people brought before him. Unfortunately, that was not enough to threaten his position. But someone reporting to Schempke had uncovered evidence that the Gauleiter had managed to siphon military funds to support his rich living. It seemed solid enough that Schloss thought they would be able to replace the man. But, this was going to require a personal trip to take care of the matter.

  Kirke tapped on the door. “The Reichsmarshall has telephoned for you, Herr Partieleiter.”

  Schloss picked the phone. “And how are you today, Herr Reichsmarshall.”

  “I saw the note from the Japanese,” Goering said in lieu of a greeting.

  “And what were your thoughts?”

  “I think we should tell them directly that if they are so stupid as to get into a war with the Americans, they will be on their own.”

  “Those were pretty much my thoughts,” Schloss said. “Have you polled any others in the government?”

  “No. And I really do not have time to meet today. I thought perhaps you could relay my opinions to the group.”

  “I will be happy to do so. I really do not have time to meet either.”

  “Fine,” Goering said. “On another topic, I have some drawings of the new U-Boats for you to look at.”

  “Can you send them over?”

  “I thought perhaps we could review them over lunch tomorrow.”

  “Something might be worked out,” Schloss said. “Do you wish to come here?”

  “If you do not mind.”

  “Not at all. I will instruct Kirke to make the arrangements.”

  He hung up the phone, and Kirke was almost immediately in his office again. “The Reichsprotektor is on the telephone, Sir.”

  “Goering wants to have lunch with me tomorrow,” Schloss said. “Set something up.” He picked up the phone. “Heinrich.”

  “I saw the note from the Japanese.”

  “Indeed.”

  “May I assume you wish to tell them we will not honor the mutual defense treaty?”

  “As I told Herr Schreiber, we will not support them if they finally do something the Americans cannot ignore. Other than that we are best friends forever.”

  Himmler snorted. “As always your word choices are delectable.” He sighed over the phone. “Very well, I hope you know what you are doing. I will speak with Joseph.”

  “Thank you, Herr Reichsprotektor.”

  Schloss tapped a pencil on his desk after the call with Himmler. Hess hadn't called yet.

  “Kirke!” he yelled.

  “Yes, Herr Partieleiter?”

  “Please see if you can get through to the Deputy Fuhrer on the telephone. Following that I will need to speak with the Foreign Minister.”

  “At once, Herr Partieleiter.”

  He was able to quickly discuss the note with Hess, and then call Ribbentrop and order him to get moving on a response to the Japanese. He also suggested getting the Italians informed on events. Then after jotting notes on the report about the Gauleiter, he picked up the next item. He was rather proud of himself for working his way through the stack. It was nice to be productive.

  Kirke slipped in later to check the status of Schloss's desk, and replace the pitcher of coffee. He remained standing in front of the desk until Schloss looked up.

  “Yes, what is it, Willem?”

  “I am not sure whether to phrase this as a comment or a question, Herr Partieleiter.”

  Schloss folded his arms across his chest as he leaned back. “Whatever it might be, you have my attention, Willem.”

  “Thank you, Sir. When I called the Deputy Fuhrer's office, the clerk answered the telephone by saying Heil Hess.”

  Schloss did not immediately speak. He stared at Kirke as the man become more uncomfortable. Finally, he shook his head.

  “I apologize, Willem. I was not trying to intimidate you. I was just surprised. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. Please...” and he thought quickly. “Anytime you encounter anything you believe I need to know about, do not be afraid to tell me. Contrary to what my sister says, I do not eat secretaries for breakfast.”

  “He seasons them, and serves them for dinner,” Renate said as she stepped through the door.

  Kirke blushed but said nothing.

  “Ah, sister. Feel free to just walk in. Have a seat.”

  The woman dropped into the chair across from Schloss and crossed her legs. “I heard something disturbing this afternoon and I thought you should know.”

  “If you will excuse me, Herr Partieleiter,” Kirke said, and he quickly slipped out of the room.

  “I hope you are not mistreating the man, Hennie,” she said as she glared at him.

  “No, Renate. He just delivered some disturbing news of his own to me. Now then, what is it that you want to use to ruin my afternoon?”

  She stuck out her tongue at him. “I come all the way upstairs to keep my brother out of trouble and this is the respect I get?”

  Schloss just raised an eyebrow.

  “Right,” she said. “Anyway, I had need to call over to the Reich Chancellery this afternoon and the clerk over there answered Heil Hess. And you don't look shocked.”

  “That's what Kirke was just in here to tell me. And the shock is settling in.”

  “What is Hess doing?” she asked. “Is he an idiot?”

  “I think he has succeeded in fooling himself. If he doesn't come to his senses soon, Himmler is going to put a bullet in his head.”

  “We do not need that, Hennie.”

  Schloss nodded at her. “Exactly. And I think things are spinning out of control.”

  “What do we do?”

  Schloss placed both hands on the desk and looked down. “I do not know. In a sense, this is my fault. I got him started with the speeches, and he was very good at it. Unfortunately, he does not know how to handle adulation.”

  “Ha!” Renate said. “That is certainly the truth.”

  “And he is speaking tonight here in Berlin. The way things are going, he may let things get carried away and have himself proclaimed Fuhrer by acclamation.”

  “Is that possible?” she asked.

  “Goering evidently thinks so. He told me he attended one of Hess's speeches and it brought him to his feet. And he had helped Hess write the thing.”

  “That doesn't say much for Goering, either.”

  “Let's not go there right now,
Sis. I have enough problems. Kirke!”

  “Yes, Herr Partieleiter?” Kirke said as he stepped in the door again.

  “We need to cancel Hess's speech tonight. Can you get to the right people?”

  “I believe so, Sir.”

  “Then get on it, right now,” Schloss said.

  “At once, Sir.”

  Schloss looked at Renate after Kirke left the room. “I am going to try to pull Hess off stage for a while and see if things will settle down.”

  “And if it doesn't?”

  He shook his head. “I don't know. I just don't know.”

  CHAPTER FORTY

  December 4, 1941; 12:45 PM

  Nazi Party Headquarters, Berlin

  Goering reminded Schloss of nothing so much as a hog in the trough. It was bad enough that the Reichsmarshall was developing a serious weight problem, his table manners were atrocious. The man would wait until he had a mouth full of food, and then begin a long soliloquy, spraying food across the table. Schloss thought it was revolting.

  “The designers are very excited about your suggestions for the U-Boat design, Herr Schloss. “There is talk about them begin able to exceed twenty knots submerged. At normal cruise, this should double their underwater range. They told me about an experimental U-Boat they built before the war. It was shaped something like you suggested and it managed twenty-eight knots submerged.”

  “So this did not come out of the blue for them?”

  “Apparently not. I had heard of the experiment, of course, but I did not know it had such potential.”

  “And they abandoned this because?” Schloss asked.

  Goering shrugged. “The Fuhrer was convinced we would have a short war.”

  “And he canceled development.”

  “Correct.”

  Schloss nodded as he took a sip of his water. Kirke's ability to arrange for a noon meal was another of his recently discovered talents. The food was exceptional, even if it did encourage Goering's appetites.

  “I am so happy to hear that,” Schloss said. “I would like to get this new design into production and then immediately begin work on a follow-up.”

  “Can we afford to do that?” Goering asked.

  “I don't think we have a choice. Obviously it won't matter if we get into a war with the Russians. Virtually anything else will involve a substantial naval component. I do not intend for us to come up inferior to anyone.”

  “I think these U-Boats will come as a shock to any enemy.”

  “How is your security on the ship yards?” Schloss asked.

  Goering stopped chewing and swallowed noisily. “It is as good as I can make it.”

  Which means our security is non-existent, he thought. Goering is too trusting of his people.

  “And what is this I hear about you ordering all the coding machines changed?” Goering continued.

  “We have made no significant changes to the coding system for a couple of years. It is simply good practice to update these things. Remember? We talked about this.”

  “I had forgotten. I apologize, Herr Partieleiter. But I am assured that our codes are unbreakable.”

  “Hermann.” Schloss tilted his head and gave Goering what he thought was a patronizing smile. “No code is unbreakable. How many machines do you suppose the English have captured?”

  “Why, none, of course.”

  “And you know that without a doubt?”

  “Of course.”

  “We have several hundred of our U-Boat crew confirmed as prisoners of war in England. If they got that many of our people off of sinking boats, what makes you think they didn't get a coding machine or two while they were at it.”

  Goering paused in his grazing and looked up at Schloss. “You may have a point. Very well, I will not oppose the initiative. It is very expensive, though.”

  “As expensive as having Winston Churchill reading our mail?” Schloss asked.

  “You do bring out the most uncomfortable thoughts, Herr Schloss.”

  “There was a saying somewhere, I think maybe it was an American who said it, ‘Pessimists are rarely disappointed.’”

  Goering choked, and then spat a piece of pork onto his plate. He quickly grabbed his glass of wine and drank deeply. “Do not say things like that while I am eating, Herr Schloss. I nearly strangled.”

  No great loss, Herr Reichsmarshall, he thought.

  “Please be careful, Herr Goering. Replacing someone with your skills would be challenge.”

  Goering gave him a sharp look, and Schloss wondered if he had trod too close to the limit of his subtlety. He quickly looked down at the drawing of the new family of U-Boats. The legend on the drawing called them the Type XXII.

  “I see we are continuing with two screws.”

  “Well, yes,” Goering replied. “I asked about that, since your sketch was significant in having a single screw. The designers liked your idea of the larger single screw. They said it would be quieter. However, they feel they can get a twin screw design into service six months sooner. They would not have to completely redesign the engine room. Much of the existing equipment would carry over unchanged, and it is considered reliable. Plus, surface performance would be better. And since we were already working on a Type XXI, we were able to adapt some of those ideas.”

  “I can accept that. Obviously I am the amateur here. And they have really done a beautiful job on this design. What about building the thing?”

  “It would actually be easier to work up a new boat in the Mediterranean. There are fewer prying eyes there,” Goering said. “The navy suggested launching the prototypes from Naples. Once we get the bugs worked out, we start building them here.”

  “And how is the quality of the current U-Boats?” Schloss asked.

  “Atrocious,” Goering said. “We have been using labor from the camps to build them, and those workers are not motivated to do their best.”

  “No surprise,” Schloss said wryly. “Tell me, Herr Goering, with the demobilization of the eastern armies, could we find enough motivated employees to build this new class of boat?”

  “I believe we might. Once again you have surprised me with one of your good ideas. With our efforts to relocate the Jews to Palestine, we will not have as much prison camp labor as originally estimated.”

  Maybe if I can get the economy humming along, we can get out of the prison camp business.

  “See what you can do,” Schloss said.

  Goering nodded, and slurped more of the soup from his spoon. Schloss suppressed a wince.

  “Oh,” Goering exclaimed, “I nearly forgot. We shot down an English Beaufighter near the coast of France last night. We recovered a completely intact radar set from the airplane.”

  “Did we now?” Schloss commented. “That is certainly good news.”

  “Even better, the radar was of a new design. We can apply some of the ideas directly to our units.”

  “In other words,” Schloss chuckled, “anything we cannot think up on our own, we can happily steal from the enemy.”

  “Exactly,” Goering laughed. “The English are wizards at bending electricity to their will. To be honest, that frightens me more than their airplanes.”

  This is interesting, Schloss thought. I wonder what the fat boy is going to say next.

  “How so?”

  “Well, the English build very good airplanes, but ours are generally as good if not better. Their main advantage is they can produce better aviation gasoline than we do, and so extract more power from their engines. But their electrical work is sheer genius.”

  “We will just have to borrow what we can from them.”

  “Very true,” Goering said. He was quiet for a while as he sawed another piece of pork loin.

  “While I have you, Herr Partieleiter, may I suggest that it was a very good idea you canceled Hess's speech last night.”

  “I hope so,” Schloss said. “Although there was speculation in the papers this morning that Herr Hess did not really have
a cold.”

  “And we didn't stop them from printing?” Goering’s eyebrows raised.

  Schloss shrugged. “Goebbels told me that sometimes it's best to keep a light touch on the press.”

  “I would have to take his word for that.”

  “I suppose the screaming contest I had with Herr Hess this morning was worse.”

  “Now that is a surprise,” Goering said. “I thought he was afraid of you.”

  “I think, in this case, his anger outweighed his sense.” Of which he has very little, I'm afraid.

  “What are we going to do with him?” Goering asked. “Himmler views him as a threat.”

  “He is a threat,” Schloss said. “It is like being in a house with a gas leak. You know you have a problem, but you're not quite sure how much time you have.”

  “I wish I had your turn of phrase, Herr Partieleiter,” Goering said. “And I also worry about Hess. He serves a useful purpose. Or, he did until he had these delusions of Fuhrer-hood.”

  Now this idiot is trying to copy my turn of phrase. I think I won't tell him it doesn't work for him. Maybe he will have the people in his office laughing at him behind his back – if they aren't already.

  “Exactly, Hermann. I am tempted to go ahead and anoint him the Fuhrer and let him demonstrate to the people just what he is really like. But they would probably throw us all out, then.”

  Goering subsided. He absorbed too much enjoyment from his still heaping plate. Schloss had long since finished eating, so he studied the U-Boat design some more.

  “You know, those two U-Boats that were in the Atlantic when that American destroyer got sunk have never been heard from again,” Goering said.

  “They were supposed to be heading into the Mediterranean, right?” Schloss asked.

  “Correct. We are assuming they were intercepted in the Straights of Gibraltar. They are presumed lost.”

  Schloss crossed his legs and hung his arm over the chair back. “You know, I really hate to lose a captain and crew that was gutsy enough to take out a destroyer, but this probably saves us a lot of trouble.”