by Lucy Ivey
“Always,” Joe said standing up and walking away from us.
I watched him toss his full cup of coffee into the trash and slam the double doors open to the outside, disappearing into the cold.
“Did I interrupt something?”
“What? No.”
An inquisitive expression covered his face.
“Good. I wouldn’t want him to steal you away from me.”
I didn’t like the way he was looking at me. Questioning. Suspicious. Disbelieving.
“No, we were just talking while you were working. I guess the girls’ lessons are over?” I asked taking a sip of coffee.
He sensed the sarcasm in my voice.
“Were you watching me?”
I didn’t answer.
“Are you jealous?”
The playful laughter in his voice made me angry.
“Should I be?”
His playful expression disappeared.
“No,” he said quietly. “Why would you think that?”
“Um, hmm. I don’t know,” I said no longer hiding my sarcasm-laced words. “Maybe because you looked like you were having a little too much fun with those girls.”
“Are you serious?”
He was completely confused by my tone.
I was as shocked as he was by my instant rage. Jealousy had never been part of my personality and I was sorry I let it trickle into my thoughts. I surrendered to him immediately.
“No. Fuck. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that … your brother just drives me crazy!”
“What? What does Joe have to do with this?”
I held my breath under his patient stare.
I didn’t want Justin to know about this morning with Joe or about our conversation a few minutes ago.
“Nothing.”
My answer satisfied him. Joe had nothing to do with this.
He took my hand in his and scooted his body closer to my side. Moving his lips close to my ear, he whispered, “Joe is not the only one who is loyal, you know.”
He moved his other hand up the inside of my leg under the table and let out a small, satisfied laugh at the immediate tightening of my thighs.
“Remember that,” he whispered before quickly kissing my cheek and jumping up from the table to follow in his brother’s footsteps.
Chapter 10
Family Tradition
Even though Joe’s sudden mood change when Justin arrived during break upset me, riding home I felt a little more comfortable with him for two reasons. One, Justin was also riding in the truck with us. Two, I saw a side of Joe this afternoon that convinced me maybe he wasn’t such a bad guy.
When we pulled into the driveway, my mother was carrying groceries inside the house. Justin and I helped her carry in the rest of the bags while Joe parked the truck inside the garage.
“Thanks, kids,” she said out of breath as she put the last bag down on the counter.
Bags were scattered around the kitchen.
“Is this for tomorrow?”
“Yes,” she said looking around with her hands on the sides of her head. “I don’t even know where to start!”
“Mom, who’s all coming over for dinner tomorrow?”
“Just us.”
Justin and I both were confused.
“Then … why did you buy all this food?” he asked.
“It’s our first Christmas together and I want it to be perfect.”
She put her arms around my neck and hugged me. She was happy. And beautiful.
“You have no idea how much this means to me and Bill. Having all of you kids with us is truly a blessing.”
She pulled Justin into our hug as Joe walked through the kitchen door and stared at us.
“Joe,” she said releasing me and Justin from her embrace and walking over to him. “I know you might not want to give me a hug, but can I hug you?”
Restraint filled his face. He didn’t want to hug her. He didn’t want to upset her either. He set the keys on the counter and stepped toward her.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him. Her embrace was filled with love. He lifted his arms around her waist but stopped when he saw me watching him.
Instantly, his arms fell heavy to his sides and his body tensed up. His hardened stare silently dared me to look away while my thoughts tripped over one another.
I wondered how someone so beautiful could be so damaged.
While I was taking a shower later, I thought more about him. I wondered why he always seemed to remove himself from conversations and preferred to be alone rather than with anyone else—other than Justin. I wondered why he didn’t smile a lot. I wondered why he always seemed to have a look of emptiness or intensity on his face. He had been through a lot but so had Justin. But Justin tried. Justin wanted to be involved. Justin wanted to be happy. Justin wanted to be loved. I not only wondered if Joe wanted to be loved but if he even remembered how to love. The two of them were so different from one another.
That evening, as our family ate pizza in the living room, we listened to Christmas songs and Bill’s stories of the boys when they were younger and my mom’s stories of my childhood.
Everyone was enjoying our time together, except Joe.
He was uninterested in reminiscing.
“I don’t remember much,” he told his father.
It was an obvious lie.
“What do you mean you don’t remember much, Joe?” Bill asked. “Tell us something you remember about one of your Christmases.”
Joe stared at his father in silence.
Bill patiently waited for him to respond.
Joe understood the silent demand from his father.
“Well, let’s see. I do remember a few Christmases,” he started. “I guess I was about ten, maybe eleven. Justin and I had picked out a tree with Mom and spent all day decorating it. Some asshole that Mom was screwing came home drunk and tore it apart and destroyed every ornament on it.”
Fury burned in Bill’s eyes. It was not the story he wanted to hear.
“Do you remember that Christmas, Dad?” Joe continued. “Remember me calling you and begging you to come and get me and Justin but you couldn’t because you said you were working?”
“Knock it off, Joe,” Justin said quietly.
“No! He wanted to hear my Christmas memories!” Joe snapped looking at his brother and then back at his father. “I know, what about the Christmas when Justin and I didn’t have anything under the tree because you forgot to buy us presents in time … so you deposited money into Mom’s account so she could buy them for us, but instead she used it to buy drugs with a different asshole she was dating that year. Remember that Christmas, Dad?”
“That’s enough, Joe!” Justin said sitting up on his knees as if he knew what was about to happen.
“Or how about the Christmas I spent alone in that fucking mental hospital because everyone thought I was fucking crazy!” he yelled. “Do you remember that one, Dad? Because that’s one holiday memory I’ll never forget!”
Bill sat calmly on the ground a few feet from his son. The fury in his eyes was gone.
“You always do this. You must really hate me.” His words were spoken in a painful whisper. Disappointment covered his sunken face. “I know I’ve made mistakes and I know I should have gotten you boys out of that situation sooner but—”
“But what, Dad? You were too busy living your own life working for all of this?” he yelled stretching his arms out to his sides. “Thanks! It’s all great. But tell me—honestly—knowing what you’ve sacrificed to get it, was it worth it?”
“I did the best I could.” Bill sighed standing up.
“No, you didn’t and don’t tell yourself that either!” Joe interrupted standing at the same time.
The only thing between them was me.
Justin realized it too and rose to his feet ushering me toward my mother. She was now on her feet standing away from everyone. She reached her arm out for me and I took it as I hurried to her side
. Everyone but me seemed to understand what was about to happen.
Justin was standing in between his father and his brother reaching his arms out from his sides as his hands rested on their chests. Bill was still standing defenseless in front of his son.
He was not going to fight back if Joe went after him. If Joe did go after their father, Justin would try to hold Joe back but wouldn’t be able to fight him off.
“I still do everything I can to protect you boys.”
Joe’s eyes were set and his jaw was locked. His hands were formed into fists at his sides and he looked like a caged animal ready to attack his father any minute.
“Look at you,” his father said through quivering lips. “You’re ready to kill me right now … and all I’m trying to do is make up for what I didn’t do before.”
The pain in Bill’s voice had no effect on Joe’s stance. His eyes didn’t blink and his body remained tightly locked and motionless, still in attack mode.
“Joe,” Justin begged turning his body to his brother. “Joe, calm down. Don’t do this again.”
Justin’s voice broke Joe’s trance.
Within seconds, he relaxed his body. His shoulders slumped slightly in surrender under Justin’s whispering pleas and for the first time, he appeared weak.
He met my worried stare and his eyes filled with tears.
I wasn’t supposed to witness this side of him.
Without another word, he walked out of the living room.
My mother ran over to Bill. Justin stood beside them with his head bent down and his hands covering his ears. I wanted to walk over to him but I couldn’t move.
I was frozen in place with fear.
Justin hunched his body over and placed his hands on his knees. His loud breathing was uncontrollable. I moved over and reached my hand out to him, and he stood back up. He didn’t acknowledge my touch. He walked past me following in Joe’s footsteps.
“Karley,” my mother said softly. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
“He’ll be okay,” my mother whispered. I thought she was talking to me but she had her hands on the sides of Bill’s face, staring into his teary eyes.
“He’ll be okay,” she repeated softly.
Bill tried nodding his head in agreement but his strength was gone. He bent his head forward and rested it on her shoulder. His body shook as she slowly stroked his hair. “I need a drink,” he said before kissing her on the lips. Worry filled her eyes.
“Just one,” he promised, kissing her once more.
He lightly tapped my shoulder with his hand as he headed for the kitchen. “Our dark family secrets.”
His words sent an icy chill down my spine.
What did that mean?
I quickly turned back to face my mother, wondering if she’d heard his words to me but she had her hands on her hips and was looking up at the high vaulted ceiling.
“Oh, sweetie,” she said taking me in her arms. “I’m sorry.”
“Mom, what was that all about?”
“Honey, these boys have been through so much.”
“But Justin doesn’t act that way.”
“Honey, Joe’s older. He remembers more. He has a lot more pain to deal with than Justin.”
Everything she said made sense. Both boys had been through a lot of hurt and pain. Both struggled when their parents divorced. Both lost their mother to a murderer. But Joe was the killer.
He had killed someone trying to protect someone he loved.
And he carried it with him.
I remembered Justin’s words about how it changed his brother.
How could it not?
It was who he was now. He was a murderer.
A few hours later, I opened up my bedroom door to the darkness of the house. The only illumination came from the twinkling lights of the tree against the wall in the family room.
Someone was still awake.
I hoped it was Justin … or even my mom.
I quietly walked down the stairs and peeked around the corner.
Joe was sitting on the couch, staring at the tree. The soft orange glow of the fire softened the features of his face. I considered turning around and going back to my room.
He wouldn’t want to talk to me.
But an unknown attraction pulled me toward him.
He followed me with his eyes as I sat beside him on the couch and put my hand on his knee. His thoughts were conflicted.
“Don’t worry,” I said trying to hold back a smile. “I’m not gonna try to kiss you.”
The corners of his mouth turned up.
“But I am here if you wanna talk.”
I desperately hoped I’d made the right decision and we would share another intimate moment together the way we did earlier this afternoon at the resort.
“I’m sorry, Karley,” he whispered.
I should have known he wouldn’t want to talk to me.
“It’s okay,” I said. “I thought you might need someone to talk to, that’s all. I didn’t mean to pry.”
I started to stand up when he gently held on to my arm.
“No, I mean I’m sorry for earlier. I didn’t mean to upset anybody. Most of all, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
His voice was low. Seductive. It pulled my eyes toward him. There was truth in them. I sat back down slowly, closer to him.
“You scared me a little,” I whispered.
“I didn’t mean to.”
The smell of alcohol was strong on his breath.
“Are you okay now?” I asked looking over at the half-empty bottle on the table. My eyes shifted to his knee when he put his hand over mine. He laughed his admittance quietly.
“I’m feeling better.”
I wasn’t sure if he was referring to the alcohol or me.
My eyes darted to his cool blue irises. I believed him but there was still a resistance inside me to trust him.
“You coming here has been a nice surprise … it’ll be a nice addition for me. For us. I want to enjoy my time with you.”
“Oh, yeah? Starting when?” I teased.
“Soon enough.”
I wanted to ask him why he would say something like that. He didn’t act like he was glad I was here or like he wanted me as part of his family. There was no need as he continued his quiet confession.
“I’ve been such an asshole to you.” He released his hand from mine and put a fallen piece of my hair behind my ear. The tips of his fingers graced the side of my neck, sending an unexpected thrill through my body. “Why did you come down here?”
“I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“Why would you care if I was okay or not?” he asked still playing with the strand of hair now tucked behind my ear.
I didn’t know the answer to his question.
I didn’t know why I walked into the room when I knew he was the one sitting on the couch. I didn’t know why I walked over to him and put my hand on his knee and asked if he was okay. I didn’t know why I was still sitting here as he was touching my hair and looking at me, the way his brother did.
“You mean a lot to Justin.”
“Justin is the reason you’re sitting here with me?” He entertained my answer. “I hope he’s not the reason you’re here with me.”
I closed my eyes to keep my breathing under control. To not give myself away to him.
“You mean a lot to your father. And my mother.”
“What about you?” he asked touching my cheek with the back of his finger. “Do I mean a lot to you?”
I didn’t hesitate in my response.
“I guess,” I whispered.
“I must,” he whispered back slowly. “That’s why you’re here now … it’s why you’re letting me touch you. Why you’re wanting me to keep touching you.”
I had no idea what to say to him. I wanted to look into his eyes again. I wanted him to continue touching me.
“Joe?”
The voice came from behind us.
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I turned around quickly to see Bill standing in the doorway. I jumped to my feet but Joe sat, unmoved, on the couch. The seductive smile on his face moments ago had turned into a malicious smirk. He reached for his glass beside him and took the final drink from it.
“Karley, I think you should go to bed now,” Bill instructed looking at me with complicated eyes as he stepped into the living room.
“Okay,” I said walking around the couch.
“Sweet dreams, Karley,” Joe said in his usual acidic tone.
I looked back at him but his eyes were once again focused on the tree.
Bill said nothing as he passed me walking over to his son. Neither did Justin as he stood in the doorway. I didn’t know how long either of them had been there or what they had heard. The embarrassment of being seen by Bill changed to worry as I looked at Justin.
He reached his hand out to me. I took it. I thought he might lead me into the kitchen to talk to me. Ask me if I was all right. He didn’t. I followed closely behind him as he led me to my room. When he opened the door for me, he didn’t step inside.
“Don’t go,” I pleaded.
He said nothing before shutting the door.
He’d made it clear to me before his brother was more important to him than anyone, including me.
Chapter 11
Little Black Boxes
“I thought you’d have a hard time messing up coffee if all you had to do was put a small container in and push a button.” Bill laughed.
Justin examined the single-serving coffeepot playfully before throwing the crumbled ball of wrapping paper toward his brother. “This was your idea, wasn’t it?”
“No, but it’s just something else for the both of us … and no more awful cups of coffee when we’re pulling all-nighters at school,” Joe joked.
“Well, I bought one for the house, too,” their father said looking at my mother. “So, you can start practicing when we’re done opening your gifts. I’ll continue brewing fresh beans for mine.”
Of course he will.
I wondered how many times Bill overlooked his son’s disturbing behavior over the years as the three of them continued to laugh and joke as if last night never happened.
The tension between them was gone. Forgotten. Forgiven.
Throughout the day, Justin refused to look at me. Refused each conversation I tried starting with him. Joe was back to acting like I didn’t exist. After dinner, I helped them clean the kitchen as the two of them made conversation with each other as if I wasn’t in the room. Both of them made it clear that they would stand by each other and I wouldn’t come between them.