Other Side of the Season

by Jenn J. McLeod

  ‘He did have a helmet on, Mum. It was also a quad bike and Jake said no one ever falls off four wheels. But falling from the bike wasn’t the problem. The area was steep and crowded with banana plants. Both Jake and the bike slid in the mud and he cut his leg, that’s why the doctors are worried about infection, and the bike pinned him against the trunk of a tree so I couldn’t–’

  ‘A tree?’

  Sid stopped at the intersection of two corridors as if trying to get her bearings. ‘Down here,’ she said, Natalie’s suitcase trailing behind her. ‘The doctors are fairly certain the lack of feeling in his leg is only due to swelling on the spine and they expect that to lessen. When I found him he was cracking jokes–until I tried moving him.’

  ‘You moved him? On your own?’ Natalie tugged her daughter’s arm, jerking her to a stop.

  Sid grimaced, shocked. ‘Ouch, Mum, please. I said I tried. I got to him quickly. I heard the bike, then silence, then I heard his voice. It’s so quiet up there you can hear a pin drop.’

  The frustration of being drip-fed this information, not to mention the never-ending hospital corridor, was testing Natalie’s patience. ‘Up where, Sidney?’ she demanded.

  ‘The hills they plant out with banana trees are so steep,’ her daughter explained.

  I know! I know all that! Natalie wanted to scream. Where do they have my son? Where is my precious boy?

  ‘The fall could’ve been so much worse, but he’s fine, Mum. He’s in this room at the end. The one on the right.’

  ‘You have some explaining to do after I see my . . . Oh, Jake! Jake, darling.’ Natalie let her handbag drop to the floor as she rushed forward, planting multiple kisses on her son’s forehead and cheek. ‘You’ve given me such a terrible scare.’

  ‘Sorry, Mum.’

  A nurse blustered over to Jake’s bedside, jerking the privacy curtains closed behind her. ‘I have to ask you both to leave while doctor checks Jake’s wound.’

  Natalie looked up, outraged. She wanted to insist a mother’s place was by her injured son’s side for as long as he needed her. She wanted to tell the nurse she’d just flown hundreds of miles and walked as many blasted steps in this blasted hospital to see her son. But before she could utter a word, Sidney piped up, tugging at Natalie’s elbow.

  ‘We understand. Come on, Mum. I’ll buy you a coffee while we wait.’

  ‘Good idea,’ Jake called out as they left the room. ‘Flat white. No sugars. I’m sweet enough.’

  • • •

  ‘I’m very disappointed in you, Sidney,’ Natalie announced as they settled at a table for two tucked out of the way under the front foyer’s sweeping staircase, the coffee hot on her fingers through its thin paper cup.

  Her daughter looked shocked. ‘Disappointed in me? What for?’

  ‘Do you want to tell me what this Coffs Harbour detour is all about? Or was Byron never your intended destination? And while you’re at it, you can tell me why you chose to lie to me over the phone when I asked about Byron Bay’s weather.’

  ‘I’ll explain everything, Mum, I promise. I thought maybe we should focus on Jake first. Then I can fill you in on the rest.’

  ‘The rest?’ Natalie eyed her daughter, the grown-up face staring at her now throwing back the reflection of a father forever missed and never forgotten. ‘How much more is there to tell, Sidney?’

  ‘Not much, Mum. A couple of things. Just one, really.’

  ‘Tell me now. You know I dislike secrets as much as I do lies.’ Natalie recognised the hypocrisy in the statement. Her daughter’s expression suggested she had too.

  ‘Mum, I’m not keeping secrets. I didn’t want to say anything until after we’d seen him.’

  ‘Well, we’ve seen Jake, so out with it.’

  ‘I didn’t mean Jake. I meant the man in the letter.’

  ‘What man in what letter? Please, Sid, I’ve hardly had a wink of sleep. I was up before the sun and being driven at a crazed pace in that ridiculous convertible of Tasha’s. My hair will never be the same again, Jake is lying in a hospital bed upstairs, and I am at my wits’ end. So forgive me if I’m not keeping up.’

  ‘The letter is why we came here. I wanted to know our grandfather. Dad’s dad.’

  ‘Oh, Sid!’ Natalie didn’t know whether to feel angry or terrified. She needed to regroup, to think. She reached in her bag and pulled out the small purse with the mirror and a tube of lip colour. ‘To be honest, Sidney . . .’ She spoke through a mouth pulled taut as she dabbed the gloss. ‘I find it hard to believe that letter is your focus right now while your brother is upstairs in a hospital bed. But since you raised the subject . . .’ Natalie pressed her lips together and dropped the make-up back into her bag on her lap. ‘I’ll tell you the same thing I told you when you first asked. Your father wanted to leave his past behind. He made a choice years ago, and as his family we have respected that choice.’

  ‘But Dad’s been dead for over ten years.’

  ‘I think I know how long your father’s been dead, Sidney.’

  ‘I didn’t mean . . . Mum, I didn’t think there’d be any harm in visiting the guy in prison.’

  ‘You went to the prison? Oh, for goodness sake! And you roped Jake into this . . . this conspiracy?’

  ‘No one’s conspiring, Mum. The letter implied our grandfather didn’t even know Dad was dead. I figured that maybe if he knew and he saw he had grandchildren who cared, the news of Dad’s death might not be so shocking.’

  ‘And now, because of that wilful curiosity of yours, your brother has been injured.’ Natalie pushed the cup of grey coffee to one side. ‘While the doctors are with Jake I’d like to go back to wherever you’re staying and freshen up. I assume it’s close by? Then you and I will continue this conversation tonight. And I want you to respect your father’s wishes and promise to have no contact with that grandfather of yours.’

  ‘That won’t be too hard,’ Sidney said, her voice tired and flat. ‘He’s dead. He died a week before we arrived.’

  ‘I see, well, that’s probably for the best then. Now, can we go?’

  ‘That’s another thing I need to tell you, Mum. I don’t have anywhere close by for you to freshen up. The nurses have been turning a blind eye to me bunking down in a chair by Jake’s bed, saving me a long drive in the dark. The place we’ve been staying is down the coast a bit. A short trip, but worthwhile. Pearl lives there, in a beach house.’

  ‘Pearl? What is this pearl you keep referring to?’

  ‘Pearl is a girl. You’ll like her. She got us the job in the B & B. The place is amazing. I get to sell gorgeous arts and crafts, and down the road a bit, in town, there’s this amazing breakwall filled with painted messages and . . . Mum? Mum, are you okay?’

  • • •

  Hospital staff had been swift to find Natalie a bed in emergency, despite her insisting it was too little sleep and food that had brought on the dizzy spell. Nurses had hooked her to a monitor so they could observe her blood pressure and heart rate, then suggested to Sidney that she’d be better letting Natalie rest.

  ‘We’ll look after your mum,’ the nurse had said as Sidney collected her handbag from the bottom of the bed and made to leave.

  ‘Okay, well, I’ll see you soon, Mum.’

  ‘Just make sure your brother has company, Sidney. You know what hospitals are like these days. They expect family to be on hand.’

  A look passed between daughter and nurse as they walked away together, leaving Natalie to sift through the last twenty-four hours. The nurse then added a general announcement, no doubt to cover both mother and concerned daughter in one go. She unfortunately did so at such a volume the entire emergency department would have heard.

  ‘Everything is looking absolutely normal. Just what we like to see. There’s nothing to be concerned about at all,’ the nurse added while floating across to the patient in the next bed, leaving Natalie to wonder if she was still referring to her.

  Nothing to worry about?
If only Natalie could believe that to be the case.

  Usually very particular about what drugs she took, Natalie didn’t hesitate when the same nurse returned a little later presenting her with a tiny pink pill in a giant paper cup. Nat held out her hand to receive the tablet in her palm, even though it wasn’t a sedative she needed. She needed a magic pill that could turn back time and take away all her worries. But how far back would she need to go to achieve that?

  To before she’d discovered that poor man hanging in the loft?

  Before her husband had died, or her children were born?

  Or before that night she’d made the biggest mistake of her life?

  Maybe there was even a pill that could take her back to her earliest memory, when as a five-year-old child, scared and living rough, she’d watched her mother administer that final, fatal drug overdose and die.

  25

  Pacific Coast Base Hospital, 2015

  ‘Jake, it’s one needle. It’s not going to kill you,’ Sid said. ‘Stop acting like a scared little girl.’

  ‘Yeah, well, that needle looks more like Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber. Ouch!’ Jake squeaked, slapping a hand over the injection site. ‘I hate needles.’

  ‘All done,’ the nurse said, smiling at Sid as she left the room.

  ‘Such a wuss.’ Sidney dropped her bag on the visitor chair by her brother’s bed. ‘The news is all good.’

  ‘Then why am I still having giant daggers thrust into my arm and arse, and why do you look like crap? You’ve been crying. What’s up, sis? Fighting with Mum already?’

  ‘I told her about us trying to visit you-know-who.’ Sid lowered her voice to a whisper as the same nurse returned, this time pushing a small trolley with bandages and gauze. ‘Mum freaked out.’ Sid had decided not to tell Jake about the dizzy spell that had kept Natalie in emergency overnight.

  ‘So tell me what Mum said yesterday.’

  ‘You have another visitor,’ the nurse announced.

  ‘Hey!’ Jake beamed. ‘Morning, Pearl my girl.’

  ‘Hey, yourself.’ In the flowing, flowery pink skirt, hand-knitted yellow and blue striped jumper and wearing an orange scarf and beanie, Pearl swept into the room looking a lot like an enchanted fairy, the kooky kind who might turn up to birthday parties with a sparkly wand and magic dust to sprinkle. The kind who promised children all their wishes would come true, and they’d believe her. No glitter wands or fairy dust needed for Pearl to charm Jake. He looked so goofy Sid wanted to laugh, but it was sweet seeing her little brother fall under Pearl’s spell. Maybe watching them was just the tonic she needed to mend her own broken heart.

  ‘Glad to see you here, Pearl,’ Sidney said. ‘And as this cheer squad of one is clearly no longer required, I’ll go find Mum.’

  Sid left Pearl stooped over the bed, Jake flat on his back and grinning, their hands tangled in a knot on his chest. Part way down the long hospital hallway, Sid found a glass door to a courtyard ajar. She slipped outside. After a night propped in an uncomfortable chair in the emergency waiting area, the sunny seat looked dangerously inviting to a sleepy Sid. Sitting down, she took a second to turn her phone back on and a message immediately buzzed. Her mother. She’d been discharged and was now on her way to see Jake. A second message reminded Sid to secure a nearby motel room.

  At that very moment, Natalie passed the sunny courtyard and every muscle in Sid’s body stiffened, as though trying to make her small enough to hide behind the giant green agave and flax plants.

  Too late!

  She’d been duly dismissed last night, with Natalie insisting she had no need of Sid’s company. Her brother needed her more, apparently. ‘The dizzy spell was nothing,’ her mother had announced. She’d be fine. Rest was all she needed and Sidney was to make sure Jake wasn’t left without a family member for support. And now, of course, Sid had been caught taking a little bit of time out for herself.

  ‘Hi, Mum.’ Sid sprang out of the sunny seat to greet Natalie with a hug. ‘I just saw your message on my phone. How are you feeling?’

  ‘Why aren’t you with Jake?’ Natalie snapped, her over-protectiveness obviously back in full working order.

  ‘Jake’s fine. Pearl arrived. I’m letting them have some space. Wait until you meet her. She’s a local girl and she’s just lovely. Jake’s totally smitten.’

  ‘I cannot believe you would be so careless, Sidney.’

  ‘Leaving Jake alone with Pearl?’

  ‘Don’t be facetious. You know very well I’m talking about gallivanting all over the countryside and trying to contact that man against your father’s wishes.’

  ‘That man is–was–my grandfather, and I’m not gallivanting.’

  ‘And I suppose you’re not responsible for Jake being in a hospital bed, either?’

  ‘I wasn’t even there,’ Sid protested. ‘The accident wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, Mum. It was an accident and I was so scared when I found Jake.’

  ‘You were scared?’ The mocking tone shook Sid.

  ‘Of course. Quad bikes can kill and he’d landed hard up against the trunk of a tree.’

  ‘I’ll ask you again. Did you hurt Jake by moving him on your own and you’re not telling me?’

  ‘No, of course not. I said I didn’t. I’ve never done anything to hurt Jake.’

  ‘You used to make up stories to get your brother into trouble. You were jealous Jake was your father’s favourite.’

  The accusation sucked the oxygen out of Sid. ‘Oh, Mum, I was a kid then. Why bring that up?’

  ‘You’ve always been his big sister. He looks up to you. Jake is young, with his whole future ahead of him: marriage, children–in the correct order, I hope,’ she added. ‘If by sneaking behind my back you’ve placed him in danger and put his future at risk, I will hold you responsible.’

  ‘Mum, why are you being so mean? I told you I wasn’t there. I found him after the fall. I went looking for him.’

  ‘And you moved him? For goodness sake, Sidney, I thought you were a smart girl. Why on earth would you do that? Don’t you know what damage you could have done?’

  ‘No, that’s not what I said. You’re wrong, Mum. I didn’t move him. I moved the bloody bike. He was bleeding from one leg. I had to stem the blood flow while we waited for the SES crew. Anyone would have done the same. That’s what I did and that’s what I told you.’

  ‘The fact remains that you put Jake on that quad bike because you refused to listen to me and respect your father’s wishes. He’d never have been anywhere near it if not for you.’

  ‘No!’ Sid fired back, hands on her hips. ‘Even for you, Mum, this is a total overreaction. I won’t let you do this. I won’t.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘It’s what you do. Rather than admit you’re wrong, or that you made a mistake, you find a way to turn whatever it is around so you can lay blame on someone else.’

  ‘Don’t exaggerate.’

  ‘Exaggerate?’ Sid snorted. ‘Geez, Mum, you bloody do.’

  ‘Stop with the blasphemy. Who taught you to speak like that?’

  ‘Geez and bloody is not blasphemy.’

  ‘What is it then?’

  ‘Mum, stop trying to change the subject. You do that all the time. When an argument’s not going your way, you move on and we’re all expected to forget whatever it was we were arguing about. Well, nothing that hurts ever goes away completely. Every harsh criticism, every statement of blame, every dressing-down over the years . . . They’re all a tiny scar–right here.’ Sid prodded her chest where her heart beat wildly.

  Her mother didn’t move. She didn’t blink. Natalie might have been a stone statue set in the pebbled garden. Sid paced to the other side of the courtyard. Unfortunately, not far enough that she couldn’t feel her mother’s stare. She looked everywhere but at Natalie.

  ‘Don’t you walk away from me, Sidney.’

  Sid turned sharply, hands on her hips again, her defiant chin p
ushed out. ‘Please, you’re talking to me like I’m five years old.’

  ‘That’s because you’re acting like a child. When I was five years old I . . .’

  ‘What, Mum?’ Sid didn’t care now who could hear them. ‘When you were five years old what? You’ve never talked about your childhood. You clammed up whenever I asked about the past. If you won’t give me answers, then of course I’m going to go looking for information anywhere I can.’

  ‘You want answers? You want to know where I was when I was five years old?’

  ‘Yes!’

  ‘I can tell you where I was thirty-five years ago,’ Natalie offered. ‘In labour for two days. You were stubborn and refused to do what I wanted even then.’

  ‘Oh, Mum.’

  Natalie had done it again, switching subjects and blame to make her daughter feel bad. Sid had two choices: act like a sulking five-year-old at another of her mother’s hurtful throwaway lines about what a struggle her firstborn had been, or push her mother to talk about the past.

  ‘Will you please tell me, Mum? Dad used to talk about stuff with me, like how you met. But that was his version. I’ve always been interested to know the other side of the story. Your story, before you and Dad met.’

  Natalie sighed long and loud, obviously in case Sid was missing the trillion other signs of her growing impatience. ‘Now is hardly the time, and I honestly do not know what I can tell you.’

  ‘Anything, Mum. Tell me anything,’ Sid cried, no longer caring if her tears resulted in another lecture about being strong. Sid wasn’t feeling strong at all. Sid was struggling–struggling to see she would ever be happy, or trust another man again. ‘I was so desperate to turn my mind off bloody Damien I took a road trip with my brother.’

  ‘Sid, sometimes putting the past behind you means cutting all ties. That sometimes means making a pact with yourself to never look back. No use wanting something you’ll never have.’

  ‘This isn’t about wanting Damien back. And I am thinking about my future, but if I can’t make a go of a relationship when we both had so much in common, will I ever find a partner? If my baby isn’t going to have a father in the foreseeable future–my choice or not–I at least thought if there’s a great-grandfather out there somewhere, then . . .’ Sid dropped to the garden seat and buried her face in her hands. ‘I just had to get away. I had to. I was looking for something–anything.’