by J. M. Paul
When I lowered my camera and let it swing around my neck, I noticed I had an uninhibited smile on my face. It hadn’t been brought on by anything other than the joy of the people I was surrounded by and photographing. Their joyfulness made me feel brighter, and I realized it was the first time in a long time I completely felt satisfied and content in my work.
Periodically, I took pictures of people on this trip, but tonight was only about the individuals of this small town and how they all came together for camaraderie and a night of celebrating our nation’s birth. Their jubilation was contagious, and I was thrilled I had finally been infected.
As I turned to look for the rest of my group, I thought more about how I had made myself stop photographing humans over the last five years as a self-inflicted punishment. It was payment for what I had stolen. And, although my selfish act could never be taken back, Bax had taught me that perhaps I had paid enough, suffered enough. Maybe, possibly, I was beginning to let myself slowly learn how to heal.
“Don’t get me wrong when I say this because I love camping, but is anyone else getting tired of putting up and tearing down these effing tents?” Milo tossed a pole to Bax.
“Yes,” Carly and I said at the same time. We both chuckled.
“But I do love camping, especially when you have this as the view.” I admired the creek bordering our campsite.
When we had entered Yellowstone National Park, we had stopped at every campground we passed. They had all been full, and we had started to panic. Luck had been on our side, however, when we entered Slough Creek Campground. It was a first-come-first-served type of place and was almost guaranteed to be full since it was the most popular campground in the park.
As we had driven by a campsite near the creek, a younger couple had flagged down our newly repaired van. The couple had told us they had a family emergency, so they would be leaving as soon as they packed up and that we could have their spot. Out of gratefulness, we had helped them load their things. Then, we had bidden them farewell and good luck.
I pounded the last tent stake into the ground and then sat back on my haunches, taking a break to absorb the view and atmosphere. It was extraordinary. Our site was a prime location, and I knew I could get several beautiful photos without moving a muscle.
Our tents were pitched on a flat piece of land with a splattering of pine trees near the bank of Slough Creek. The water flowed almost lazily over the boulders, and the sound was relaxing. Birds chirped, small animals rustled in the bushes, and muted voices of the surrounding campers bounced around us. The breeze swept across my face, and I closed my eyes to the warm sun. It was peaceful, relaxing, and tranquil.
And then it was ruined by a loud belch and an, “Oh, that felt good,” from Milo.
When I looked over my shoulder, Bax, Carly, and Milo were standing around the empty bonfire pit, drinking beer. I didn’t realize I had zoned out long enough for them to move on to their next activity.
“We need to get firewood, unpack our food into the shared storage box, and make dinner.” Bax walked over to me and offered his hand to help me stand.
I placed my palm against his, and when his fingers wrapped around mine, my heart leaped as he pulled me up. His eyes shone as he gave me a small grin, and then he squeezed my hand before he released it.
“Thanks.” My voice came out breathy. I really needed to learn to control my feelings around him.
He gestured for me to give him the hammer.
I swung the tool around before I gave it to him. “What? Do I scare you?”
Bax’s lips lifted into a cheeky smile. Reaching up, he tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear and then let his hand rest against my jaw. As he lightly moved his thumb against my cheek, his eyes focused on my lips and then slowly dragged up to regard me. “Yes, but not for the reason you think.”
The longer he held my gaze, the harder my pulse pounded. He had been becoming even more tactile lately, even in front of Carly and Milo. I liked the way it felt when Bax touched me, and I trusted him, so I let myself revel in the feel of his skin against mine. My heart and chest tingled and sent sparks out to my fingertips. My stomach swirled in the best way possible. All of the sensations mixing together almost made me feel dizzy, and I wanted to feel that way for a long, long time.
I grinned shyly at him and directed my gaze away from his. Without seeing myself, I knew there were hearts in my eyes, and I didn’t want to expose myself too quickly. My number one priority was to protect myself, and even though I trusted Bax, I had to preserve my safety and my heart first.
Milo pounded against his chest and then burped again, instantly ruining the moment between Bax and me.
“Milo,” Carly chided, “the entire campsite can hear you.”
“They’re welcome.” Milo smirked at Carly before he dived at her and wrapped her in his arms, kissing her neck.
Carly squealed and acted like she wanted to get away, but it was all in vain. Her look of glee spoke the truth.
“Come on, let’s unload the food.” Milo released her.
As Carly turned to walk to the van, he smacked her butt, and she yelped. She tried to glare at him, but again, her face gave her away. The playful banter seemed almost like foreplay for them.
“Do you want to come get firewood with me?” Bax asked as his hand trailed down my arm and then away.
I felt naked at the loss of his touch.
“I should probably get dinner started. I need to prep the meat and start slicing the veggies.” My mind started whirling with the tasks ahead of me.
Milo had insisted on having fajitas once he knew I could make them over the fire pit.
“What do you need left out, Lib?” Carly shouted from the hatch of the van where they were pulling out our two coolers. They set them on the picnic table and started rummaging through the items before they put the food in the bear-safe protective bins.
“I guess that’s my cue to leave.” Bax jerked his head toward the van. Then, he turned and walked toward it. “I’ll be back in a little while. Is there anything else you think we need?”
When I arrived at the coolers, I quickly took count of everything. Just before Bax got in the van, I yelled, “Hey! Can you pick up Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups at the camp store if they have them? They’re really good for s’mores.”
“Sure thing.” He winked at me and then pulled out of the site.
Milo clapped and then rubbed his hands together. “All right, chica. What can we do to help?”
“Seriously, will you run away with me if I promise to dedicate my life to you?” Milo leaned back in his camping chair, rubbing his full stomach.
We had finished eating the fajitas and cleaned up. Although that hadn’t taken much effort since we ate off paper plates and cooked with foil over the fire. All of us were now sitting around the campfire, being lazy after a few busy and tiring days on the road, and we were discussing what we wanted to do while we were in Yellowstone.
“I guess the first question is, how many days do you want to stay here?” Bax looked at each of us, his gaze lingering on me the longest.
“More than a few.” Milo sat forward, placing his elbows on his knees. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m whipped. I love this trip, but the constant traveling, setting up and tearing down the tent, the go, go, go…I’m drained.” He rubbed his hand up and down his face. “This park is huge; there’s plenty to see and photograph. What do you say we stay here for, I don’t know, at least four days? To be honest, I could use a day to just do nothing. What about you guys?”
We all regarded each other, and by the looks on our faces, we agreed with Milo. We were exhausted.
“I concur. We’re tired. I agree with Milo; we could use a breather. I need a day, maybe two, to just chill. We’ve been going since the end of May, and the constant traveling’s starting to take its toll on all of us.” I waved my hand at the creek only feet away from our bonfire. “And this is a pretty awesome place to pause. We could get severa
l breathtaking shots from here.”
“I agree as well.” Carly nodded her head.
“I do, too.” Bax rose to place more wood on the fire. “So, we’ll take tomorrow off and stay here to do whatever we want. Sleep in, hike one of the trails, whatever. Then, I say we explore for a couple of days and see where we’re at.”
A round of, “Agreed,” “Sounds good,” and, “Yeah,” echoed around the site.
“All right, it’s a plan.” Bax poked the fire with a stick, and the flames ignited even bigger.
“Chévere.” Milo stood and held out his hand for Carly to take. She accepted, and Milo pulled her up from her chair. “We’re, um, going to go for a walk before the sun sets.”
The look exchanged between them told me they were going to do much more than walking.
“We’ll be here.” Bax kicked at the rocks under his feet.
When Carly and Milo walked out of earshot, Bax smirked in my direction. “How much do you want to bet they’re going to defile each other against a tree?”
“Oh my gosh.” I busted out laughing.
“Come on. You can’t tell me you didn’t think the same.” Bax’s eyes crinkled as his grin grew wider.
“I did, but you have such a twisted way of expressing it.” I shook my head and then let out another chuckle.
Bax shrugged, and then it grew very quiet between us. It was approaching sunset, and I raised my attention to the creek only feet in front of us. I sighed and gave thanks to our luck of obtaining a site right next to flowing water. I was thankful that this was the spot we’d all agreed to stop and take a breather. Fourth of July was tomorrow, and this would be the perfect place to celebrate our freedom and the anniversary of our country.
When I looked around our surroundings, I thought, It doesn’t get better than this. And it really didn’t.
We had been camping more times than I could count on this trip, but I still found the joy and tranquility it provided.
Bax’s hand suddenly covered mine on the arm of the chair. When I twisted toward him, I noticed his eyes were cast downward—lower than my mouth but not quite low enough to ogle my breasts. Then, I realized what had caught his interest. I was absently playing with the penny necklace he had given me.
“Do you like it?” Bax shifted, so his knee touched mine.
Heat radiated from that small spot and spread along my entire leg.
Although it didn’t have nearly the same meaning as the charm I once wore, I still loved the necklace Bax had placed on me a few days ago. It represented a new beginning, safety, and the possibility of chance. And it had been a long while since I had those things.
“Very much.” I let the penny fall back against my skin.
He played with the fingers of my hand he still held, and we sat, enjoying the serenity around us. It was nice to simply be able to sit in comfortable silence, not having to fill the air with awkward conversation.
After a while, I felt Bax watching me.
“Can I ask you a question?” he said.
“You just did.” I grinned as I observed the flames dancing around the dwindling logs.
“Hardy-har-har.” He squeezed my hand and then rubbed it with his thumb.
Sitting quietly, he waited until I gave him my full attention.
“What would you want to be if no one was watching?” Clearing his throat, Bax clarified, “If fear didn’t steer the wheel of your life, who would you be?”
Blinking in surprise, I was taken aback by the seriousness of his question. We’re doing deep thoughts tonight.
I wasn’t sure who I would be because I had never given it much thought. Allowing myself to think of my life turning out differently usually only brought pain, and I had that in overabundance, so I wouldn’t willingly subject myself to it.
“I-I don’t know.” My palms began to sweat at the direction of our conversation, and I pulled my hand away from Bax to wipe them against the leg of my jeans.
“You can tell me, Libby. I won’t hold you to it or hold it against you. It’s just a hypothetical question.” He shrugged, but the intense look in his eyes told me he really wanted an answer.
Who would I be if my life hadn’t been ruined by my own hands?
“I…” Swallowing deeply, I continued before I could stop myself, “I’d like to think I’d be a lot happier and carefree. The old me wouldn’t have had a care in the world. Well, it’s not that I didn’t care about anything, but I guess I just didn’t know that I should fear everything.” I picked a string at the hem of my long-sleeved shirt. “I used to be naive, and I wish I could go back to that. I don’t want to know there’s so much evil in the world, that not everyone has my best interests in mind, and that I can be shattered to the point of never being able to be pieced back together.” I inhaled deeply at the pain of my next statement. “My family and Jarrod would still be alive. No part of me would know what it’s like to have my choices ripped away, physically and mentally.” I cleared my throat and maneuvered the conversation back to the original question. “The easy answer is, I guess I’d be the me I was supposed to be before my life fell to shambles.” I shrugged. “It’s as simple and as hard as that.”
Bax was silent for so long that I found myself peering at him from the corner of my eye to make sure he’d heard me. He was watching me, probably waiting for me to break down, but I had become stronger in the last couple of weeks, and talking about what-ifs wasn’t as difficult as it had been.
Bax lifted his hand and wiped a lone tear from my cheek that I hadn’t known I had shed.
Maybe I’m not as strong as I like to think I am.
“You’re so brave, Libby.” Bax silenced my thoughts. “So unbelievably brave. You’re amazing and tough. You’ve been through so much, and although you think you’re broken, I see so much light shining from you.”
He palmed my cheek, and I leaned into his comfort.
When I lifted my eyes to his, he was bent close. He flicked his gaze to my lips and then up to me.
“Is it okay if I kiss you?” His tongue darted out and wet his lips.
My eyes followed the movement, and it turned my belly into mush.
“Yes,” I breathed. I closed my eyes in anticipation. I wanted this. I desired this more than I’d thought possible.
Bax came even closer, and the moist puffs of his breath against my skin sent goose bumps up my arms.
“I’ve thought about kissing you so many times,” Bax hummed as his lips ghosted over mine.
A strangled squeak inched up my throat at his hesitant touch. It wasn’t enough, wasn’t even close. I needed more.
Bax started to pull back at the noise that emanated from me, but I pushed forward, pressing our lips together. At the contact, we both stilled. I swore, the earth had stopped spinning, and all sounds had ceased to exist. My entire world centered on Bax and his lips—his soft, warm, succulent lips. I never knew kissing could ignite such craving in a person—most especially me—but I knew, from here on out, I would crave kissing this man.
As the shock wore off, Bax puckered and took the kiss a little deeper. Something close to a moan reverberated in my chest and seemed to echo in his. As our lips moved in succession, a strong yet cautious arm wrapped around me, and his other hand slid up the nape of my neck and into my hair.
Somewhere in the back of my head, little alarm bells sounded, but I ignored them. This was Bax, the guy who had been teaching me to defend myself against unwanted advances. He wouldn’t ask me to go further than I was capable of going. Without discussion, I knew he would take this as fast or as slow as I wanted, and that reassured me, giving me the courage to press my mouth against him even harder.
“Libby…” he whispered as he flexed his fingers against the crown of my head.
I could feel the restraint he was exhibiting for my well-being, and it made me fall a little bit harder for him.
When I felt the tip of his tongue touch my top lip, asking for permission to enter, I heard Milo say, “No
mames! Would you look at that? It’s about time, amigos.”
Bax released an agitated puff of air as his shoulders sagged, and then he broke apart from me. Disappointment spun around my insides. I wanted to act like I hadn’t heard Milo and Carly return and keep kissing Bax until my lips fell off.
“Fucking Milo,” Bax grumbled. Then, he sat back in his chair to scrutinize the two imposters. “That was fast. Did he even make it good for you, Carly?”
Carly’s face turned pink, and her head lowered. I thought it was the first time I had seen her embarrassed. She always seemed so self-assured.
“I always make it good for her, pendejo.” Milo flipped Bax the bird and then wrapped his arm around Carly’s waist. “Did you make it good for her?” He jerked his chin in my direction. “Out of these two, she’s the one who needs a good time the most.” The tone of his voice was rude, but I knew it was out of defense.
“Milo, don’t be such a jerk monkey.” I stood and walked toward the tent. Now that the sun was setting, and it was getting chilly, I wanted to grab a sweatshirt, socks, shoes, and my camera. The orange glow starting to cast across the sky promised a good show.
“Jerk monkey? That’s a new one,” I heard Milo say as I climbed into the tent.
“Don’t be a dick, Milo. And Bax is right; it was a little quick.” From the tone of Carly’s voice, I could tell she was teasing, but in an I’m-putting-you-in-your-place kind of way.
Point for Carly. If there was anyone who could handle Milo, it was her.
“Babe…” Milo whined.
I heard Carly say, “Shut it,” before she climbed in the tent behind me.
Pretending I was concentrating on digging through my bag, I avoided eye contact with Carly. The only sound in the tent was from me, so I wasn’t sure what she was doing.
When I found the clothes I wanted, I turned to sit on my bed to put on my socks and shoes. Carly was staring at me with a knowing expression.
“What?” I stretched a sock over each foot and worked at tying my shoes.
“You and Bax.” She grinned.