by J. M. Paul
I shrugged and busied myself with my camera to hide the heat climbing up my neck and into my face.
“I think it’s awesome.” She dug in her bag for a change of clothes and her toiletry bag. Her gaze found mine and surveyed my pink cheeks. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, Libby. If I wasn’t climbing Milo Mountain, I would’ve been all over that. Bax is a hottie.”
My eyes grew into saucers, and before I could think about being even more embarrassed, I barked out a loud laugh. Only Carly.
An evil grin stretched across her lips. “So, how was it?”
“How was what?” I knew what she was asking, but I was trying to defer her. My thoughts over what had just occurred between me and Bax were still floating somewhere above my head. I hadn’t come down to solid ground yet.
“You’re stalling, so that means it was pretty damn awesome.” She nodded her head, and her grin grew even bigger. “Good for you, girl. You deserve it.”
I shook and lowered my head again.
After she changed from her shorts into her jeans and grabbed her North Face fleece, she fingered a lock of my hair. “How do you like it?” She let the strands fall against my shoulder.
A couple of nights ago, when we had been stranded in the small town due to our broken van, Carly had dyed my hair after the parade and fireworks. We had both been too wound up from who knew what to fall asleep, and she’d said it had been long enough since my last treatment. My hair was now a dark blonde, only a couple of shades deeper than my natural color. Carly had said it would take one more simple and fast dye job to get me to the desired tone.
It had been a long time since I was my natural color, and I had to say I liked it. Pieces of the me I used to be were slowly falling into place again, and I owed everything to this trip and to the people on it. I wasn’t sure what I would do without them when the time came to go back to school and life as it had been. But I didn’t want to dwell on that. I still had about a month of freedom left, and I would relish every minute.
“I actually really like it.” I twisted it into a tight bun and secured it with an elastic band.
“Good. I’m glad. I think the color really suits you. You’re a gorgeous girl.” A genuine smile encompassed her face. “And even more so now that your more natural self is coming out. Keep it up. I love it.”
She exited the tent, leaving the door open for me.
I stayed on the makeshift bed and tried to decipher what she meant by me becoming more myself in more than one way. I knew she meant physically because she had helped me lighten my hair and my wardrobe. But does she also mean my personality? I didn’t think I’d changed that much from the beginning of the trip to now, except maybe I’d opened up a little more and participated in the group’s banter here and there.
Whatever she meant, it was good, so I would continue on with what I had been doing. Whatever that might be.
After I climbed out and zipped the canvas behind me, my eyes focused on the sun setting behind the rolling hills. Immediately, I started to scope out the best locations to obtain an unimpeded view. When I walked toward the creek to see if I could get some different or creative angles, Bax sidled up next to me with his camera in hand.
“Do you mind if I join you?” Bax bumped me with his shoulder.
“Hmm…let me think.” Tapping my finger against my chin, I bopped my head back and forth. “I guess you can tag along if you promise not to get in my way—or steal my awesome angles.” A smile lifted the corners of my mouth, and I thumped him back with my shoulder.
“I would never.” He gave me an exaggerated innocent expression. “Plus, your angles suck.”
My eyes widened. “What?”
A loud bark of laughter echoed around us.
“You’re an arness muncher, Noah Baxley.” I tried to playfully slap his arm, but he jumped away.
He laughed, a deep rumbling in his chest. “I love your made-up swearwords. I think they’re better than the real ones. Where do you come up with these things?”
His smile stretched so big that I could see all of his perfectly aligned white teeth and his dimple. Secretly, I wished he had a few gaps or overlapping teeth, some sort of flaw among all the perfect. Then, maybe I could keep my wits about me—at least slightly—instead of having them puddle around my feet.
I’m a goner.
“What can I say? I was graced with awesomeness.” I shrugged.
Bax walked ahead and then stopped abruptly in front of me, and I almost tripped into him before I caught myself.
“What?” I searched the perimeter, worried there was a threat of wildlife.
When he turned, his eyes sparkled down at me. “I like this you. You’re happy, joking, and having fun.” He tugged and released a piece of hair that had been stuck to my moistened lips.
At the realization of his statement’s truth, I began to close in on myself. Guilt slowly crept into the crevices that had only started to become scabbed. They would never heal completely, but for a short time, I had forgotten about them. I’d promised myself I never would.
“Don’t.” Bax’s finger lifted my chin, so I would meet his gaze. “Don’t get lost in your head again, Libby. You’re allowed to have fun once in a while. It doesn’t make you selfish or a bad person.” His eyes searched mine, pleading with me not to get trapped in the darkness. “Forgetting about the hurt makes you normal, human. We can’t constantly carry the burden of our past pain with us all the time. It would anchor us down, and we would never move forward.”
His knowledge and insight into my head scared me and made me feel raw, but it was also liberating, a freedom I hadn’t felt in over five long years.
Bax knew most of the deepest, darkest secrets I had, and he still accepted me without qualms. I knew his past hadn’t been ideal or the happiest, but he seemed to have overcome it and moved on to live a respectable life.
“Move forward with me, Libby. We can do it together.” He lifted my hand to cover the portion of his chest where his heart beat beneath. “I hurt, too. But we can help each other heal and become whole again.”
Could I move forward with him? Am I capable of releasing my hardships, fears, and anxiety over what has been done to me and what can still possibly happen and mature into the person my parents wanted me to be? I wasn’t certain, but as I stared into Bax’s beseeching eyes, I knew one thing for sure. I wanted to try.
Because my heart was lodged in my throat, I nodded in answer to a question he hadn’t really posed.
Calmness entered his hazel eyes, and his tight features relaxed. He watched me for a few seconds more until he bent and kissed my forehead.
Closing my eyes, I relished his closeness, the long-suppressed optimism he fed within me, and the stillness that settled in my chest. It had been a good many years since I felt the fringes of being steady, and I cherished the feeling.
“I’ll make you happy again, Libby. I promise, I will,” he whispered against my skin.
I wasn’t positive that could happen, but I was willing to let him try.
A few days later, I awoke to rustling and snorting outside my tent. Lying very still, I tried to figure out if I was in danger. The noise continued, so I sat up, trying to gauge the situation. A loud grunt sounded, and I heard big footsteps making their way closer to our tent. Then, a shadow fell over it. A squeak worked its way up my throat, but I swallowed it down. Bringing attention to myself would do me absolutely no good. I had no clue what was right outside, but I knew it was big and could probably bring me harm.
Carly still slept peacefully in her cot, not a care in the world, if the small smile on her lips was any indication. She also slept like the dead; nothing woke her up. I envied her that.
My sleeping patterns had improved over this trip, but I’d still have crushing nightmares. My past refused to let me go—probably because it was unsettled and still looming back in Michigan. I dreaded the day I would have to face it again, but when I did, it would end. Joel would no longer have any hold
over me; I wouldn’t allow it. It was time for me to stand up for myself and fight back, however I could.
More crunching brought me back to the present. I wasn’t sure what to do about the animal lurking outside our temporary home, but it needed to go away—now. The insistent pressure of my bladder indicated I would either have to pee myself or take my chances against whatever stood a few feet away from my bed.
There was a loud zipper noise, some scuffling, and then a muffled, “Holy crap, a bison.”
That was Bax’s voice. He encountered the intruder first, and now, it was his to deal with. I didn’t want Bax to get his butt stomped by the bison, but if he did, I hoped he would lead it away from camp, so I could hit the outhouse in peace.
I heard the animal scuffle, probably sensing the presence of something other than itself, and then there was loud clapping and yelling. Milo chortled a made up chorus of a get-rid-of-the-bison song.
Several minutes passed, and I grew hopeful that I wouldn’t have to urinate in my sleeping bag.
“Is it safe to come out?” I whispered, hoping the guys could hear me.
“It’s safe.” Bax’s voice was close to our tent door.
It made me jump, and the motion caused an uncomfortable shift, making me have to press both hands between my legs so that I wouldn’t have an embarrassing accident.
“Jiminy Christopher, warn a girl before you sneak up on her. I almost lost my bladder all over myself.” I threw back the covers, muttering about men and their inconsiderateness.
“Sorry, Ad Lib.” Bax laughed.
Ad Lib? Is that a nickname? If so, that was a first from him.
I shrugged into a hoodie and squeezed my feet into a worn pair of Chucks. Then, I unzipped the tent. A large masculine hand reached out to help me stand.
“Good morning,” he said when I was at full height.
“Morning.” It came out as a grumble as I searched the perimeter for the offending bison.
“It went back into the woods.” Bax brushed my tangled hair away from my neck. Then, he leaned down and whispered, “You’re safe,” against my ear.
I shivered, and it had nothing to do with the chilly morning air.
“It has the entire park to roam, and it had to scrounge for breakfast next to my tent?”
“Someone caught the grumpies this morning.” Bax chuckled and backed away from me.
The loss of his heat made me scowl. In response to my expression, his eyes crinkled in amusement.
“I have to pee.” I turned and walked toward the outhouses with Bax hot on my heels.
“So you said.”
“I said, I almost lost my bladder. I didn’t say I had to pee.”
“Same difference.”
I stopped my pursuit of the outhouse to glare at Bax. “Are you going to be like this all day?”
He shrugged, his mouth stretched in a smirk. “Maybe.”
“Then, go find another friend to bother,” I mumbled as I began walking again.
I was irritated because, after our ground-shaking kiss a couple of days ago, Bax hadn’t so much as tried to make a move on me—except for his little tease of a whisper against my ear a minute ago, but that didn’t count.
“If I wanted to spend time with a friend, I’d bother Milo or Carly. But that’s not what this is between us.” Gesturing between our bodies, he kept pace with me.
“Then, what is this?” I huffed up the hill and toward my salvation in a smelly box.
“This, Ad Lib, is the start of something special.” It was said as a joke, but when my eyes snapped to his, I could see the softness hidden in the depths of his hazel irises.
Stopping in front of the restroom, I regarded him and sarcastically said, “You’re something special, all right.”
Grasping my hand in his, he twined our fingers together. “It is, Libby. I’ll show you in all due time.”
He kissed my forehead and then studied me. I wasn’t sure what he was searching for, but my angry bladder was about to release itself and make me look like a two-year-old.
“I have to pee.”
“So, you’ve said three times now.”
“Technically it was only two.” I blinked in defiance.
Bax tapped my nose with his forefinger and smiled brightly. Before I knew it, he slipped inside the outhouse and shut the door in my face.
Jerk.
I couldn’t control the smile hinting on my lips as I did the adult potty dance for the entire campground to enjoy.
“Holy shyster-balls, it’s freezing!” Stepping out of the van, I rubbed my hands up and down my arms. Once I took in the sights without the barrier of the van window, I quickly forgot to care about the temperature. Standing in awe, I admired the beautiful mountains of Montana’s Glacier National Park around me.
“That’s the closest you’ve come to an actual swearword. I’m proud of you, Little Lib. Am I finally starting to rub off on you?” Milo teased me.
Little Lib? What is with the sudden nicknames? First Bax, and now, Milo.
Shaking my head at him, I grabbed my camera equipment, absently waved good-bye to the group, and headed up a path toward Avalanche Lake. It was the number one thing I’d wanted to photograph when we planned this portion of the trip.
When I feasted my eyes on the crystal-clear lake with mountains so large that I couldn’t describe them, I froze and tried to digest the beauty.
We had been traveling for almost two months, visiting places in America I never imagined I would see. Most were beautiful, breathtaking, and almost unreal, but nothing compared to what was in front of me. As of right then, Avalanche Lake with her gorgeous bordering mountains was my favorite location out of any. If it wasn’t so darn cold, I could pitch a tent and stay here for the rest of my life. The lake, mountains, and park offered plenty of fuel for my creative self, and the part of me that needed serenity would be well fed.
I was afraid this trip would cause the travel bug to root itself so deeply in me that it could never be removed. Actually, scratch that. I wasn’t afraid. I yearned for it to meld to my bones. I was a photographer, and if I wanted my passion to provide my livelihood, I would need to visit all parts of the world. The bonus was that it would take me—and hopefully keep me—far away from Joel and his threats as well.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Bax said from beside me.
I hadn’t noticed he was there.
“No.” I shook my head.
“No?” Bax faced me and frowned.
“It’s mayonnaise.” A small smile seized my lips at the memory that word elicited.
“Mayonnaise?” Confusion pitched his voice slightly higher.
“Mmhmm. Mayonnaise.” I studied the stunning scene before me and thought the word had never been more justly used. The only way to make it better would be if my family were here to agree.
“You’re going to need to explain that one.” He shifted the strap of his camera on his shoulder.
“When I was little, my parents took my sister and me out to Arizona. We did a bunch of sightseeing, had fun, and laughed a lot.” I smiled at the memory. “It was a great trip, and we saw many beautiful views. We always said, ‘Isn’t this beautiful? Isn’t that beautiful?’ The expression got worn out. My mom joked that we needed a new word, and out of nowhere, I spouted, ‘Mayonnaise.’ We laughed at the absurdity of it. Then, we tried it out, and it stuck and became a family joke.” I shrugged. “So, every time we thought something was gorgeous, beautiful, or whatever, we would say it was mayonnaise.”
Bax studied me for a moment and then directed his attention at the lake and mountains.
“Mayonnaise.” He tried the expression with its new meaning for the first time. After several long seconds, he nodded. “I like it.”
My grin found his and grew into a cheery smile. “Me, too.”
If I were an outsider looking at us, I would roll my eyes at the huge smiles and hearts in our eyes. But I couldn’t find it in me to care about anything, except for me, Bax
, the mayonnaise surrounding us, and the feelings he spawned inside me.
Bax placed his hand around mine and lifted it to his lips. “Do you realize you spoke about your family, and for the first time, it didn’t bring you to tears or shut you down?”
I blinked in surprise. He was right. I didn’t feel pain, hurt, or guilt at the mention of my loved ones. It was shocking but liberating, and I had Bax to thank for all of it.
“It feels nice.” I leaned into him when he cupped my cheek.
“Good,” he whispered. “Ready to pad that portfolio of yours with even more perfection?”
“You know it.”
With him, I was ready for anything.
“What are you afraid of, Libby? Hit me. I promise, you won’t hurt me.” Bax retreated and wiped his forearm over his sweaty face.
I was receiving another lesson in self-defense. Each time we worked on this, he would teach me moves to different severities of attacks. Today, he was teaching me how to finagle my way out of someone charging and wrapping me in a threatening bear hug.
His time and efforts were not lost on me, but a secret part of me wondered if he was doing this not only for the safety factor, but also to get closer to me.
Even though we had shared several special moments together, Bax still hadn’t kissed me since the first time back in Yellowstone. I didn’t know what to think of his behavior.
Am I not a good kisser? Does he realize he likes me, but he doesn’t like me, like me? Or does he think I need to move at the pace of a snail when it comes to intimacy?
I had to admit, I’d thought I wouldn’t ever be able to tolerate being touched, but when it came to Bax, it seemed my inhibitions were almost nonexistent. In the beginning, my immediate reaction to him had been to back away and stiffen but not so much now. There was something about him that put my hang-ups to rest and cleared my mind of all threats that I normally thought about when it came to the opposite sex.
“Ad Lib?” Bax’s voice questioned.
“Yeah?”
Before I received an answer, a strong, firm body plowed into mine, taking me off guard. Thick arms wrapped around me, almost making it impossible for me to move. My mind whirled at what to do, how to get out of his hold.