by J. M. Paul
When I stepped out into the main room, I looked around and found it empty and exactly as it had been.
Since Milo and Carly had run into town, Bax and I were supposed to meet them for dinner. Afterwards, the group was going to walk around and take pictures.
A knock sounded at the door, causing me to jump, and then I chuckled at myself. Obviously, I needed to start working on my skittishness.
I’m a work in progress.
Staring through the peephole, I saw Bax. Flinging the door open, I quickly took him in.
His hair was damp from his shower, and the scruff on his chin and cheeks had been trimmed since he had let it grow longer in the last couple of days. He wore a fitted white T-shirt that showed off and accentuated his muscles and dark tattoos along with plaid shorts, exposing his long and lean calf muscles, and gray deck shoes.
If it was possible for a woman’s mouth to water at the sight of a man, mine just did.
“Hey.” Bax adjusted the camera strap on his shoulder. “You look nice.”
Running my hands down the front of my capris, I gave him a small smile. “Thanks. Give me just a minute. I need to grab my gear.”
Bax pressed his hand against the door, so it wouldn’t close on him, and he patiently waited for me. After I stepped out into the hallway and double-checked the door to make sure it was closed and locked, he grabbed my hand on our way down the hallway, toward the elevator.
My eyes snapped to our joined hands and then to him. His cheeks were pushed up into a grin, and I saw him tilt his head toward me.
“I’m not walking away,” he said.
Before I had a chance to respond, the elevator doors banged open, and we stepped into the tight space. The four other passengers made it impossible for me to question Bax about his statement, and then I couldn’t do it when we ran into Milo and Carly in the lobby of the hotel.
“Hey, amigos! Perfect timing.” Milo slapped Bax on the shoulder and lifted a white plastic bag. “We got done early, so we decided to meet you here. Let me put this in our room, and I’ll be right back down.”
After Milo left, Carly said, “The lady at the camera store told us about two great restaurants. Frank’s Diner and The Flying Goat. Frank’s is American fare in a classic train car, and The Flying Goat is a really cool pizza place. Either sound good?”
“Ad Lib?” Bax turned to me.
“How can we not eat at a pizza place named The Flying Goat?” A smile curved my lips.
“Yay!” Carly clapped her hands and jumped in place.
I raised my eyebrows at her enthusiasm.
“That’s what Milo and I thought.” She pulled at the legs of her cutoff shorts. “The lady also told us about a couple of places that would probably be cool to shoot at, so we can check those out after dinner if you want.”
When Milo joined us, we left to eat the most amazing pizza I thought I had ever tasted. Their dough was something I could quickly become addicted to if I lived near this place. It was trouble in the best carbohydrate form.
Milo patted his stomach several times. “Now, that was good grub.”
“The best. I’d be five hundred pounds if this were in my hometown.” Carly’s words echoed the thought I’d had moments ago.
“Ready to scope out the land?” Bax grabbed my hand under the table and rubbed his thumb along my wrist.
Since the hotel, he had been touching me in some form or another. His knee had pressed against mine in the van, his foot had been playing with mine under the table, and his fingers had brushed along my forearm. It was like he was telling me without words that, no matter what I’d told him about myself, he would stand by me.
It was unnerving to know he felt so strongly about me, so fast. But I guessed, when people spent every waking moment with each other over the course of two months, it was only natural to make fast, deep connections.
I would cherish his friendship and his affection like nothing I had experienced since my family and Jarrod.
“You bet.” I stood, grabbed the bill, and walked to the cashier before anyone could protest.
We were approaching the last leg of our trip, and I knew Bax was starting to worry about our funds. Since my parents had left me with a sizable inheritance I rarely touched, I didn’t mind paying to help relieve some stress from Bax.
“Libby, you don’t have to do that.” Bax walked up next to me and tried to take the bill from my hand.
“I know I don’t.” I smiled at the cashier and handed her my credit card.
After I signed the receipt, we loaded into the van and looked up Riverfront Park.
Once there, we unloaded and went our separate ways even though it didn’t seem like the park was that big. The sun was just starting to hang lower in the sky, casting the flowers, clock tower, and the former pavilion structure in long shadows.
I spent a large majority of my time at the skeleton for the pavilion. It had a pole with a disk high in the sky and several cables that appeared like twinkle lights pulled out and down into a mushroom shape.
Standing at the base of the structure with my camera pointed straight up toward the middle, my shudder clicking in succession, I felt a presence behind me.
“This is pretty cool,” Bax said. “Any idea what this is?”
When I turned, he had his head lifted up, looking to the top of the main pole.
“I read that it used to be a pavilion, and they’re thinking about making it into a sanctuary or something. I don’t know.” I shrugged.
I watched a woman lift her crying child from his stroller and place him on her shoulder. The baby’s red face scrunched in anger or discomfort, tears flowing down his chubby cheeks. I lifted my camera, zoomed in on the infant’s dark fist clenched in the mother’s bright pink shirt, his pouty lips, and long damp lashes outlining chocolate eyes, and I clicked.
“I saw it when I was taking pictures and thought I’d check it out. And here you are.”
I lowered my camera to see Bax’s smiling face. It was a face I could get lost in for hours, days, years. That thought probably should have scared me, but it didn’t. Not even close.
“Here I am,” I answered with a grin of my own. “Where are Carly and Milo?”
“I left them back by the clock tower.” He knelt in place, taking a few angled shots of the pavilion’s skeleton. “You finished here?” Standing, he placed the camera on his shoulder.
“Yeah. I’m excited about seeing the Monroe Street dam and bridge.” My eyes widened.
“Me, too, but we thought we’d try to find the Cathedral of Our Lady of Lourdes first. They’re across the street from each other, so it should be quick.” He raised his eyes to the sky and then back to me. “It’ll be dark by the time we make it to the dam and bridge, but Milo and Carly heard that’s when it’s the prettiest. Is that okay with you?”
“Sure.” I nodded. “I’m easy.”
He grinned and grabbed my hand, and we slowly wandered through the gardens to find the rest of our group.
“That was a good night.” Carly flopped onto her queen-size bed and stared up at the ceiling of our hotel room.
“It was. I think I got a couple of good shots.” I set my camera and the penny Bax had given me earlier on the dresser that held the only flat screen television for the room.
“Shut up. Everything you take is fantastic. You’re extremely talented, Libby. If I didn’t like you so much, I would be seriously jealous in a bad way.” Carly turned her head toward me and stuck her tongue out. “I’m hungry.” She sat up.
There was a knock on the hotel room door, and we both lifted our eyebrows. We had just said good night to the boys.
Climbing from the mattress, Carly pushed her feet back into her flip-flops and flung the door open without looking through the peephole.
“Hola, chica.” Milo stood, leaning against the doorframe.
“Hey.”
I heard the smile in Carly’s voice.
“I’m starving, and I thought you’d like t
o go down to the bar and maybe grab a snack and a drink.” Milo looked around Carly. “You’re more than welcome, too, Little Lib.”
“Thanks, but I’m beat.” I sat on the bed to take my Chucks off. “Bax wants to get an early start tomorrow.”
“I know. He’s a killjoy.” Milo grabbed Carly’s hand and pulled her out into the hallway, her laugh echoing up and down the space. “Don’t wait up.” He smirked and slammed the door.
I laughed and shook my head. They were becoming cuter and cuter by the day, and I was happy they had found what they needed in the other—at least for this trip.
Peeling the dirty clothes from my body, I slipped into my pajamas and headed into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. Splashing water onto my cheeks, I reached for my bathroom bag, but it wasn’t there. I always set my stuff on the right side of the sink, and Carly used the left. It was something we had started doing the first night in Pittsburgh, and it had stuck.
Blinking my eyes, I searched the counter and found my bag on the left side, almost falling off the counter.
That’s weird.
I moved it back into place, finished my business, and headed to bed with a big yawn. I grabbed the remote off Carly’s nightstand, pulled back the covers, and angled down into the bed.
I froze mid stretch.
Everything in me melted as the floor dropped out from under me. My heart sped, my hands instantly clenched, and my lungs closed off. I couldn’t breathe. It was like I had been shoved into a chamber, and all the oxygen had been sucked out. I coughed, my eyes watered, and tears started to form in my eyes.
I scrambled from the bed, covering my mouth, trying to hold back the vomit, and I ran into the bathroom and fell to my knees. The Flying Goat did not taste as good the second time around.
Finished losing my stomach to fear, I flushed the toilet, wiped my mouth, and brushed my teeth with shaking hands.
Then, I started to frantically search the hotel room.
It can’t be. It just can’t be, I chanted in my head as I looked under the empty beds, in the shower, and the lone closet.
Coming up empty-handed, I spun in circles, sobbing without tears. My lungs felt like they were on fire, and I was dizzy and light-headed.
When I had lain down on the bed, Joel’s cologne had smacked me in the face, cutting off all my air supply. I would never in my life forget that smell. It’d choke me, just like the hands he’d wrapped around my neck as he forced himself on me and into me. The pain he had caused my body was nothing compared to the agony that shot through my heart, head, and psyche. The first time he’d raped me broke me. The second, the third, and the fiftieth time had chipped away pieces of myself until there was nothing left.
No, I would never forget the spicy, woodsy scent of his cologne. It would forever haunt me in my waking and sleeping life.
I tore apart my bed, looking for any evidence, and I smelled the pillow again but I figured the scent was just my imagination again.
Squeezing my eyes closed, I pressed the material against my face and screamed into it as I let the tears overtake me.
Will these chains ever release me from this misery? Will I ever be free?
I slunk to the floor and huddled in the fetal position until the tears subsided and I could catch my breath. After I took several long, deep inhalations to calm the tremors in my body, I somehow found the strength to gather my wits.
Grabbing the bed, I stood to survey the mess I had made—a stripped mattress, clothes ripped from my bag and thrown across the carpet, opened drawers, and overturned chairs.
What on earth possessed me to do all that?
Being spooked by one person had made me that weak. Despite the promises I had made myself and the assurances Bax had given me, when it came to Joel, it wouldn’t matter what type of weaponry I held, I was scared I would always be too cowardly to overcome the terror and insecurities he’d instilled in me to protect myself from him.
I wanted to recover, be strong, and believe in myself, but after being constantly beaten down—physically and mentally—by Joel for years, I wasn’t sure I could.
Slowly, I worked around the room, putting it back together before making my bed. Trying hard, I ignored the fact that my mind was playing tricks on me, making me believe I still smelled Joel’s cologne.
I made myself calm down. Nothing good would come from me obsessing over things I couldn’t change. The only thing I could do was work hard every minute of every day to overcome my demons.
With one last look around the room, I decided I needed to get out. Pulling the sliding door to the balcony open, I was shocked to find it unlocked. Carly knew I had an Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder about doors being locked. She didn’t know why, but she knew it was important to me. Shaking my head at Carly’s forgetfulness, I stepped out onto the open space.
Needing fresh air and the silence the darkness brought, I let the solitude of the black night wrap itself around me. It made me feel secure and invisible; both were exactly what I needed.
Staring up at the twinkling stars, I could see through the muted city lights, and I was reminded of how small and insignificant my problems were in the scheme of the world. The feeling brought me comfort and grounded me.
Enjoying the solitude and being lost in my thoughts, I didn’t hear when someone moved beside me.
“Libby,” a deep voice whispered next to me.
I yelped, spun in place, and lifted my fists, ready to fight. When Bax stepped from the shadows of his balcony, I almost punched him anyway.
“Oh my dear God!” I placed a hand over my chest, trying to soothe my heaving lungs. “What in the heck are you doing out here, sneaking up on me?”
“I’m sorry.” He hopped over the railing separating our balconies and placed his hands on my shoulders. “I’m so sorry, Libby. I tried not to scare you.”
“Well, you did a crap job, you ace-hole.” I blew stray strands of hair from my face and moved away from him to lean over the barrier.
We stood in silence for a long time—me trying to pull myself together after the last twenty minutes and Bax giving me the space I needed to do it.
Taking one last steadying deep breath, I finally turned my head to see Bax watching me.
“What?” I snapped. Maybe I’m not as composed as I thought I was.
“You seem restless tonight. Are you okay?” His hand slowly moved along the rail to rest on mine.
I shook my head and tried to release the last threads of anxiety wrapped around my throat. “I’m fine. Just battling old ghosts tonight.”
Moving closer, he turned me and rested his forehead against mine. “Let me help you.”
“I want to, Bax, I really do, but I don’t know how.”
He moved to kiss the side of my head and then leaned his forehead against mine again.
I inhaled his calming scent. “You make me wish I could be someone else, someone better. I wish I weren’t so broken, but I am. I’m trying to fix myself, but I’m not sure it’s possible. I want to be worthy of your affection and attention, but I just…”
“You’re more than worthy, Ad Lib. We’ll get you there together. Wherever we go, whatever we do, we do it together from here on out, okay?” When I didn’t say anything, he bent, so he could see my eyes. “Okay?” he repeated. His concentration was steady on me, certain and unwavering, his spoken truth sitting between us.
“Okay.” My voice was doubtful.
It would take a lot of effort on both our parts, but I was certain, if anyone could lead me to feel stronger, it was Bax.
His muscular arms wrapped around me, pulling me tight to his chest. It was there that I finally let my deeply rooted inhibitions release, and I found comfort in the protection he offered.
I slapped my hand against the nightstand in our Seattle hotel, trying to stop the ungodly noise emanating from its direction. When I finally got the alarm on my phone to stop screeching at me, I pulled the covers over my head and wondered why four college stu
dents needed to get up so gosh darn early.
To get a picture of the sunrise off the Sound.
“Ugh, I don’t feel so good,” Carly groaned from her bed.
She and Milo had gone out drinking and dancing. They had met some people at the hotel bar and had ended up going out to a club with them.
At this very second, I assumed she was regretting her decision to down half a bottle of vodka.
I had stayed up late, editing pictures, and I had still been awake when she stumbled in the room after two in the morning. There had been a lot of giggling, swaying, and nonstop talking. I had breathed a sigh of relief when she finally passed out, face-first, on her bed, so I could finish my work.
It was surreal, reliving our trip while we were still on it. My photos were good, but I could tell I had been steadily growing as time progressed. Maybe I was becoming more talented, or maybe it was because I had opened myself up in a way I hadn’t done in many years. Once I’d allowed myself to start photographing people again, which had always been my specialty, I saw vast improvement in my portfolio.
I flung the covers back from my body and willed myself to get out of my warm bed. There would be plenty of time to sleep later.
“Get up, drunken sailor. The sunrise awaits for no one.” I grabbed clean clothes from my suitcase and walked to the bathroom.
“Well, aren’t you a sarcastic bitch this morning?” she mumbled as she pulled her pillow over her head.
I laughed and closed the door loudly, on purpose, hearing Carly groan, and something hit the backside of the wood frame. Chuckling, I turned on the water to take a quick shower, and then I got ready in super speed.
Before I knew it, we were jumping into the van. Carly and Milo had actually pulled themselves together in time to join us.
The drive was quick with little early morning traffic, and we were now standing on the shore of Puget Sound with the Seattle skyline and the sunrise as the backdrop. The foggy pinkish-purple glow was gorgeous, beautiful, breathtaking, awe-inspiring…and many other adjectives I couldn’t begin to use to describe it.