by J. M. Paul
I loved kissing Bax and could do it all day, but tonight, I wanted more. I wanted whatever he was willing to give me, and I prayed this wasn’t it.
Feeling emboldened by the alcohol I had consumed, I clenched the hem of his T-shirt and tugged it up. Understanding what I wanted, Bax helped get the material out of the way, only breaking our kiss to get it over his head. When it was discarded, he slammed his lips back onto mine, and the gentleness that had been our previous kiss was not present this time. It was hurried, hard, hungry, and impatient. This kiss held promise of more.
With a mind of their own, my hands touched, caressed, and adored the hardness of Bax’s pectorals, his six-pack abs, and every inch of his exposed soft skin.
Groaning, he reached for my shirt and bunched it in his hands. “Can I?” he asked for permission to remove it between kisses.
“Yes.” My voice was so quick and breathless that I didn’t recognize it.
After my shirt was removed, so was my bra, and things moved so quickly afterward that it happened in a blur. Or maybe, instead of moving fast, my head was clouded with so much yearning that time ceased to exist.
Once my breasts were exposed, Bax first cherished them with his hands and then his mouth. He kissed every inch of exposed skin, and when that wasn’t enough for either of us, he moved his hands to the button of my skinny jeans. He paused until I nodded my head, giving him permission.
When they were removed, Bax stepped back to drink me in. “Goddamn, Libby. You’re so lovely. I could stand here and look at you for an eternity.”
As his eyes roved up and down my body, shyness started to set in, and I fought against the need to cover myself.
When he had his fill, he lifted his hand, and I placed mine in his. He pulled me closer.
“I’m not a virgin, not even close, but I have the same reactions as you. Can you feel what you do to me?”
He trailed his tongue down the curve of my ear and sucked the lobe into his mouth. I hummed low in my throat. When he hugged me flush against him, I did feel what he meant. The hardness pressing against my lower belly startled me.
He swayed us back and forth several times before he led me over to the bed and gently pushed me down until I was sitting on the edge. He knelt before me, as if he were worshipping what was before him, and then kissed the tender skin behind my ear.
“I want to touch all of you, to show you everything you deserve and didn’t get from that asshole.” His hands tensed against my thighs and then relaxed. “May I?”
He looked like a puppy begging for a treat, and it was exactly what I needed so that I didn’t close myself off from his mention of Joel.
I nodded, and he shook his head.
“You have to say it, Ad Lib. I need to hear you tell me that you want this.”
I dived my hands into his hair and kissed him long and hard. When I pulled back, I looked him in the eyes. “Yes, I want this. I want this so much.”
He smiled at my enthusiasm and then encouraged me to lie back on the bed. When I did, he moved next to me, and his hand slowly caressed my exposed skin. He kissed me, the sensitive skin just below my ear, my neck, my breasts, my stomach, and my belly button. When I squirmed in pleasure, he stopped to move his mouth upward again, but his hand remained on the waist of my panties. When it trailed lower over the material and pressed against my most sensitive spot, I gasped and arched off the bed.
“Okay?” he whispered.
“Mmm.” My breathing was erratic, and I couldn’t get enough of his touch. It felt so good that I forgot I was supposed to be unsure, possibly scared to move forward.
“Say it, Libby.”
“Yes. Please, Bax,” I begged.
He massaged me a few times through the cotton material, and my world became focused on the pressure of his hand. When his attention left me, I groaned my protest. Then, I sighed when he moved under the material, and I experienced skin-on-skin contact. He swirled, pressed, and moved with such precision that I felt something warm starting to build.
“Oh God.”
“That’s it. Let yourself relax and feel, sweetheart.”
Feel was all I could do as something exploded within me. All thought, feeling, and attention focused on the sensations reverberating through every part of my body. When the experience subsided, I found it hard to catch my breath and find my center. The room swirled, and I couldn’t focus on anything but the contentment in my heart when Bax leaned over me and kissed me deeply.
“How was that?”
I could detect his smile against my lips.
“I don’t know. I don’t think I can feel anything right now.”
Bax chuckled and stood up, staring down at me with such happiness that I had to smile back.
Taking in his amazing chest, my eyes flitted lower and noticed the sizable bulge in his pants. I started breathing heavier, and I tried to swallow the fear that had snuck in at what I was about to say.
Sitting up, I pressed by back against the headboard. “Wh-what about you?”
“What about me?”
I shyly pointed to the tented material and what was under it making its presence well-known.
He looked down, chuckled, and then shrugged. “Tonight’s not about me; it’s about you.”
“But I feel bad. I…” Gulping down my fear, I found the courage to say, “I know how to do things. I-I was…required to learn.”
The relaxed look on Bax’s face was replaced with fury, and his hands fisted at his sides before he quickly pulled himself together. Taking two steps toward me, he took my face in his hands and kissed my forehead before looking me in the eyes.
“I would never force you to do anything to me. What Joel did to you, how he treated you…” He released me to pace the room as he let out a string of cuss words. “I could kill him, Libby. I could kill him with my bare fucking hands.” His voice was angry, and he kept flexing his hands, like he was imagining strangling Joel.
Slowly, I rose from the bed and dressed myself. When I turned, Bax was watching me with an expression I couldn’t read.
Wanting to change the subject, I bent to grab his T-shirt on my way over to him. I pushed up onto my tiptoes to press a kiss against his chin. “Thank you.”
“For what?” His brows pinched together.
Giving him a shy smile, I pointed at the bed. “For that. For treating me with the utmost care and respect. I never…I never knew intimacy could be so wonderful.”
The tension left his shoulders, his face softened, and the corners of his mouth tipped upward. His fingers brushed through my hair and then cupped my face. “It was incredible, and it can be so much better when you’re ready.” I started to speak, but he cut me off, “Not now, Libby. Give yourself time. There’s no rush.”
He was right. This had gone well—much better than I had anticipated—and there was no reason to press it further.
“Baby steps, Peanut,” as my mom had said.
I nodded and traced the S of searching in his tattoo that said, We are all searching for someone whose demons will play well with ours. I thought our demons had played together pretty well tonight.
My eyes widened when a thought entered my head, and I looked at Bax with a beaming smile.
“What?” he asked.
“I want to get a tattoo.”
“I hate to repeat myself but what?” It was said in shock this time.
“We’re in Sin City, and we’re not thinking, just doing.” I shoved his shirt in his hand. “So, get dressed, Noah Baxley, because I’m celebrating my big win by getting inked.”
I lifted my camera to take my last shot of the Hollywood Sign in California before we moved on to Malibu, Santa Barbara, and then San Francisco—our final stop of the trip. We had already made quick stops in San Diego and Los Angeles, and both of them had mostly lived up to the hype I always saw and read about.
Snapping the shutter, I lowered the camera, and something on the inside of my left wrist caught my attention. I smiled to m
yself when I examined the black ink I had gotten in Las Vegas.
It had been a spur-of-the-moment decision and one Bax wasn’t sure he should support. But, when I had convinced him it was something I really wanted to do, he had been all in and joined in on the fun by getting another tattoo of his own.
He had held my hand and been antsy the entire time the guy marked my skin for all eternity. I had thought it was humorous how worried he was since he was covered in tattoos himself.
He knew exactly what it was like, yet his concern had never faltered until the big, burly guy had said, “All finished.”
Releasing a sigh, he had jumped in the chair and taken his tattoo like a champ. He hadn’t shown me what he had done, and I still hadn’t seen it.
Studying the infinity sign made to look like a peanut with H.O.P.E.—meaning Hold On, Pain Ends—on the bottom right curve, I thought there couldn’t be a better reflection of where I had been and where I currently was in my life. I had chosen a peanut as a remembrance of my family and Jarrod. The infinity sign with the inscription was a reminder to keep holding on until the pain ended. I felt like I was almost to the end of my suffering—although I would always carry the deaths of my family and Jarrod with me—but I also knew I had several more hurdles to jump.
I needed to tell Bax about my selfish act that had destroyed my life, and I had to figure out what I was going to do about Joel when I got back to Michigan. Even though I had been gone for two and a half months and he had hopefully moved on, I knew he wouldn’t let me return without trying to make me pay somehow. My only hope that he didn’t care anymore was his lack of communication; he hadn’t texted, called, or left a message since I first left. I wasn’t sure if I should be concerned or count my blessings. I guessed only time would tell.
“You amigos ready to roll?” Milo yelled up the hill from where he was standing.
Bax gave me a questioning look, and I nodded that I was ready. As we climbed down the hill, Bax made his way over to me and grabbed my hand.
Since Las Vegas, we had been intimate one other time. Carly and Milo had gone out to party in Los Angeles, and Bax and I had passed to stay and eat at the hotel bar. At dinner, I had had the drink Bax had ordered for me in Las Vegas. Then, one thing had led to another, and we had gone up to my hotel room. Our intimacy hadn’t progressed more than it had in Sin City, except that it hadn’t been as rushed. We had lain in bed afterward, talking about everything and anything. He hadn’t let me touch him again, and he hadn’t pressed me further than we had gone the previous time.
Not that I was ready to have sex yet, but I was ready for him to push my limits to see how I would do. When it came to him, I felt strong and confident, which was nothing like I had ever felt before.
We loaded into the car and decided we would eat dinner before we headed north to Malibu. Sitting at the table in a Mexican restaurant, I found myself staring at the kid at the next table. He was playing with Hot Wheels, and the sight brought me both pleasure and pain. It had been Jarrod’s favorite toy as a kid, and he had started to become an eBay-head, collecting any and all Hot Wheels he could get his hands on.
Without thinking, my hand grasped the charm around my neck, and I felt a slight twinge of regret that it was the flat metal of the penny charm Bax had given me and not Jarrod’s ring that symbolized almost all of my childhood. I missed Jarrod so much that it choked me sometimes, and I found myself taking deep breaths to suppress the panic attack I was afraid would plague me.
Five years.
It had been over five years since I lost my reasons to live, and it didn’t seem to be getting any easier. I wondered if I would ever be able to move on, to forgive myself and the stupid decision my sixteen-year-old self had made.
Running the metal between my fingers, I was grateful that Bax had realized I needed this small form of comfort and had given me this gift, but I couldn’t help wishing I had Jarrod’s ring back around my neck. For some reason, I was really missing him today.
When I averted my interest away from the kid playing with his trucks, I found Bax watching me. His gaze flicked down to my fingers wrapped around the charm and then back to me. A small smile lifted his cheeks, and I knew he thought I was thinking of him. The guilt that swept through me was almost debilitating, but somehow, I managed to force a fake smile onto my lips. He seemed to believe it because he winked and then studied the menu again.
“Have you decided?” I elevated my head to regard the pink-haired waitress.
“I’m ready?” Milo was excited to eat here because it was supposed to be traditional Mexican food, not the normal fare you’d find at Taco Bell or back in Michigan. He referred to that as Americanized Mexican food.
Everyone around the table nodded. Once we ordered, we discussed our next stop and how sad we were that the trip was ending but how ready we were to get home to our own beds, showers, and lives.
I was excited for the first two but not the last.
As dinner progressed, I kept watching the kid with the Hot Wheels. He had discarded them for the hot plate of food in front of him. I found myself wondering if Jarrod had collected those models and, if so, what had happened to them.
Bax’s hand found mine on the table and a, “Libby?” interrupted my thoughts.
I blinked, clearing my head, and turned my attention to him. “Yeah?”
“Did you hear what Carly asked?” He jerked his chin in her direction.
I regarded her. “No, I’m sorry. I must have zoned out.” I grabbed a chip and dipped it in the salsa.
“No worries. I just asked what you’d like to see when we got to Malibu.” She took a sip of her frozen margarita.
“Oh, well, I guess I haven’t really thought about it.” I shrugged and stuffed the entire chip in my mouth. Hopefully, that would prevent them from asking me more questions.
I didn’t feel like participating in the usual chatter among the four of us. Seeing the Hot Wheels and thinking of Jarrod had put me in an introspective mood. As hard as I had been trying to overcome my past and all that had happened because of one stupid decision I had made, it seemed to be crashing down all around me tonight.
Bax’s hand moved over my knee and up my leg. I looked over at him when he flexed his hand against my thigh. He sent me a small smile, but I could see concern in his eyes. Even though he was holding a conversation with Milo and Carly, all of his attention was on me. Worry wasn’t the only emotion hiding behind his hazel eyes; there was love as well. A love he had already semi professed to me that night in Vegas.
Looking away from him, I concentrated on the chips and salsa and kept shoveling them into my mouth, so I wouldn’t have to contribute to the conversation.
I need to tell Bax the truth. It’s not fair to keep this secret from him. He can’t fall in love with me when I’m a selfish liar and a cheat.
I felt the parts of my heart Bax had slowly started to heal begin to crack and break open again. Everything I had been hiding from him would come back to haunt me the minute I told Bax the truth about my role in my parents’, sister’s, and Jarrod’s deaths. Bax would know why I deserved everything I had endured and why Joel had stopped at nothing to try and make me pay in one of the worst possible ways.
Now, it was time for me to pay another high-stakes price—losing Bax at the extent of the truth.
Will it be possible for him to understand? Can he look past what I have done to move forward into any type of future we might have? Will he worry that, someday, I might do the same to him? It is said, humans always learn from their mistakes, but what if I’ve learned nothing?
This trip had proven that I still put photography first. It had always been my one true love and the only thing in my life that hadn’t left me, hurt me, or broken promises.
I wasn’t excited to get to Malibu because that was where Bax would learn how completely black I was on the inside and where he could quite possibly walk away from me for good before I really ever had ahold of him.
“Can we tal
k?” I sat across the table from Bax at the hotel’s restaurant in Malibu.
Milo and Carly had left once they finished eating to go back to the room for the night. They had claimed they were tired. But I knew, if Bax and I decided to forgo the short excursion we had planned for after dinner for an early night as well, we would find a Do Not Disturb sign on one of our doors.
“Of course.” Bax shifted in the booth and placed his elbows on the surface separating us. He leaned in, anticipation written on his features.
I mimicked his posture but covered my face with my palms, so my words were muffled. “I might need a drink to get through this.” How quickly I’ve become corrupted. The discovery was almost humorous. Almost. “I’m not sure where or how to begin.”
A warm hand pulled at mine until I was staring at Bax. His concerned hazel eyes penetrated so deep into me that I swore, I felt them in my chest, stabbing and seducing my heart at the same time.
He has no idea I’m about to slaughter this perfect cocoon surrounding us.
“What has you so worried, Ad Lib?”
I loved and hated the fact that he had used the nickname he had given me. No one had ever called me anything other than Lib, Libby, or Liberty, except for my parents. They had started calling me Peanut since I was the size of one while in my mom’s uterus, and the name had stuck once I entered into the world.
Libs…
The reminder hit so quickly, it punched me in the chest.
Someone else called me by another name, but I shook my head to rid the thought before it consumed me. There was enough on my plate, and I didn’t need to deal with that torment.
Stalling for time, I swung my attention around the room as I tore apart the napkin in front of me. I should have constructed a plan on how to address the difficult topic. But how am I supposed to prepare a speech that will quite possibly shatter everything Bax and I have built together over these last two and a half months? I had already lost everything that was most important to me, and now that I had finally gained another asset, the string of words about to spew from my mouth would more than likely make me lose him as well.