by J. M. Paul
Bax turned toward me, and I saw his eyes assessing the damage that had been caused.
Shame filled my cheeks with heat, and I lowered my chin to stare at the floor. I could still taste the blood in my mouth and had to wipe away the red warmth trickling into my eye.
As silent tears started to tumble down my face and onto my neck, I started to shake uncontrollably, and Carly tightened her arms around me.
Joel had taken my happiness and easy nature just as he had taken my innocence when I was sixteen, but nothing compared to the humiliation currently swirling around my chest. Bax, Carly, and Milo were witnesses to what had happened to me. They more than likely had seen me naked on the bed, Joel towering over me and me not fighting the actions.
What do they think about a girl who doesn’t struggle against a man trying to rape her?
There was a terrible stretch of silence between the four of us until two burly guys dressed in black slacks and polo shirts entered the room at a jog.
“What’s going on?” the tallest guy asked. Eyes circling the room, he took each one of us in. Pausing on Joel lying on the floor, motionless, he took in Bax’s heavy breathing and skewed clothing and then settled on me, bleeding, crying, and wrapped in a sheet—obviously naked beneath the material.
Everything moved quickly at that point. The security guards called the cops, and the room filled with a flurry of activity. When Joel came to, they cuffed him and carted him off to their squad car—but not without him throwing a slew of hurtful words in my direction. The remaining officers questioned me, took pictures of the marks on my body, and swabbed under my nails for DNA to use as further evidence. Since Joel hadn’t been successful in obtaining penetration, the cops allowed me to get washed up and dressed when they were finished.
When I walked into the bathroom, I heard Bax tell the cops that Carly opened our hotel room door, saw what was happening between me and Joel, and called for Bax and Milo. Not wanting to hear anymore, I shut the door behind me.
When I emerged, Bax was quietly talking with the last cop, and Milo and Carly sat on the bed, staring at the muted television.
“Do you need anything else, ma’am?” The officer regarded me.
Bax turned in time to see me shake my head.
“Okay. I left my card on the nightstand. We’ll need you to come into the shop tomorrow and give a formal statement. Hopefully, the asshole—pardon my language—will confess and make the rest of this easy on you.”
I doubt that.
With that statement, the officer tipped his hat and exited, leaving the four of us in heavy silence.
Carly stood, walked over to me, and brushed my damp hair over my shoulders.
Even though I had just showered before the incident with Joel, I’d had to wash any remnants of him left on me. My skin was red and raw from my vigorous scrubbing.
“Are you okay, Libby? Is there anything I can do for you?” A tear slipped from the corner of Carly’s eye, and she quickly wiped it away.
I shook my head and focused on the floor. I couldn’t meet anyone’s eyes because the embarrassment ran too deep and swallowed me.
“I’d like to be alone.” It came out in a whisper.
“Sure, of course.” Carly pointed behind me. “We’ll just be on the other side of that wall if you need us, okay?”
I nodded, and she gave me a sad smile. Then, she turned and walked out the door with Milo following. Milo had been uncharacteristically quiet during this entire ordeal. A part of me wished he had made a joke to break the weight in the air.
“I’ll be over in a minute,” Bax told them before he closed the door. Turning, he walked toward me. When he stood in front of me, he hesitantly took my hand in his and pressed it to his cheek. “I’m so sorry, Libby. I should’ve never let you come back here by yourself.” His voice broke, and the sound made something deep in my chest crack even further.
I shook my head. “No, Bax. No. This wasn’t your fault. No one is to blame but Joel.”
My fingers brushed against his skin, and he closed his eyes. A tear slipped down his cheek, and I captured it with my thumb.
He was crying for me, for the broken mess he had witnessed lying on the bed, unmoving.
I twisted away from him, walked to the balcony door, and looked out at the twinkling lights of San Francisco. This had been my favorite city, but now, it would always be tainted with this horrible memory.
“All throughout this trip, I kept noticing little signs of warning about Joel. I thought it was my mind deceiving me. Joel never admitted to physically following me, but I don’t need him to confirm. I know he was. From the beginning, I should’ve said something, but I was too scared and didn’t want to believe he would stalk me all across the country.” I shook my head and sighed. The discomfort at talking made me lift my hand to the already forming bruise around my neck from Joel’s grasp.
“You should’ve told me you suspected something, Ad Lib,” Bax whispered.
I was surprised to feel a small smile lift my lips at his use of my nickname. “I know. I realize that now, but like I said, I didn’t want to believe it was true.” I pivoted to face him. “And, really, what was I supposed to do? Report him? I never actually saw Joel, he never threatened me, and I had no proof—other than a feeling—that it was him.”
Shrugging, I was all of a sudden exhausted and moved to sit on Carly’s bed. Mine was still torn apart and now held too many dark memories.
Bax sat next to me and wove his fingers between mine. “I don’t know what they could’ve done, but maybe Joel would get a bigger punishment or a longer sentence if you had reported it.”
My head lowered, and my shoulders sagged, a tired yet heavy sigh slipping past my lips.
“I guess it doesn’t matter. I’m sure they’ll throw the book at him. There’s too much evidence and too many witnesses.” Bax adjusted himself to wrap his arm around my shoulders.
I leaned into him, resting my head on his shoulder, and closing my eyes. “Can we not talk about this now? I just want to get some sleep.”
Silent for a moment, Bax ran his free hand through my hair and kissed the top of my head. “Of course. I’ll go get Carly for you.”
He started to stand, but I grabbed his forearm, preventing him from moving.
“No.” I shook my head and looked him in the eye. “I’d like you to stay, Bax. I would…I would feel safer, if you wouldn’t mind.”
“Of course not.”
I nodded and then scooted back on the bed and under the covers. Bax pulled out his phone, tapped against the screen, and then stood still like he was unsure of what to do.
Pulling back the covers beside me, I patted the bed. Watching me, Bax was still unsure even though I had asked without words.
“Will you sleep next to me? I’m scared I’ll have bad dreams.”
Standing motionless for another second, Bax succumbed by pulling his T-shirt over his head, emptying his shorts pockets onto the nightstand, and unbuckling his belt.
When he tried to climb into bed in his shorts, I said, “You don’t have to sleep in those, Bax. I trust you.”
Hazel eyes steady on me, he slowly unbuttoned and unzipped the shorts, letting the material fall to the ground, and stood in his boxer briefs. If this were under different circumstances, I would have found the striptease erotic.
Bax climbed into bed and lay stiffly next to me. Finding courage, I scooted closer to him and rested my head on his chest. Lifting his arm to wrap around me, I snuggled deeper into him, and to my surprise, I was asleep within seconds.
I awoke with a start to a dark room. Disoriented, I was frightened to hear the deep breaths beside me until I realized my head was resting on a familiar-smelling chest.
Bax.
He had saved me from Joel, but more importantly, he had saved me from myself. This man had so openly given himself to me and saved me from so many things; it was almost unfair I was still in his life. All I brought to him was struggle.
I l
eaned up on my elbow and looked down at his angelic face relaxed in sleep. He was so beautiful, young, and at ease with himself. Only in my dreams could I ever imagine I would become that way.
Lifting my hand, I lightly traced the curve of his dark eyebrow, down the arch of his nose, and over his slightly puckered lips. To my surprise, they puckered even more and kissed the pad of my finger.
My eyes flashed to his, and I found them open and alert, focused on me.
“Hey.”
“Hey. Sorry I woke you. Go back to sleep.” I cuddled back into him and tried to will myself into slumber again, but it didn’t work.
Bax’s hand stroked up and down my arm, giving comfort where he thought it was needed.
I knew I should be scared, uncomfortable, and many other emotions about what had happened, but I was surprised to find I was relieved—not that it had happened, but that someone had finally caught Joel, and he would be punished.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Bax whispered into the dark, his hand pausing on my bicep and then starting its slow motion again.
“There’s really nothing to talk about. You saw what happened, and I’m sorry for that.” Sadness clouded my voice.
Bax gripped his arm tighter around me and pulled both of us up to a sitting position, so the headboard supported our backs.
He faced me. “Why are you sorry, Libby?”
I took a deep breath, trying to think about how I could explain this to him. “You saw me in the worst possible position. I was frozen, with Joel on top of me, trying his hardest to take advantage of me. What kind of a girl doesn’t put up a fight, Bax? Tell me, who just lies there and takes the abuse? Who does that besides someone who’s weak and broken and messed up beyond repair?”
“I’ll tell you what I saw. I saw a girl who was scared and has been through that situation too many times to count. One who knows it’s easier and faster not to fight. Someone who knew, if she did what the asshole wanted, it would end sooner.” Bax took my face in his hands. “I didn’t see weakness, Libby. What I saw was a broken girl who was trying to be smart and save herself the grief of more suffering. I can’t even imagine what it would be like, and I hope, one day, you can forget that hate and learn to trust someone again. And I hope to fuck that person is me.”
At his words, I once again found I was in awe of Bax. He had seen me at my absolute worst, at one of the lowest points of my life, and his opinion of me hadn’t even wavered. His eyes still looked at me like I was something worth being worshipped, that I could make all of his dreams come true, and that he would be my protector in all things.
Something in my heart melted, and I knew what I had to do. I had to make Bax mine in every way I was capable, and the only thing I knew to do was to give him a part of me I had never given anyone else—at least, not willingly.
When I slammed my lips to his, Bax momentarily stiffened at the suddenness of the act until I coaxed him into motion when my tongue asked for permission to enter. He let me lead the kiss but tried to slow it down when I pressed harder, faster. I wanted him to know what I was after, and when my hand slunk beneath the sheet covering us, going to the front of his boxer briefs to feel the hardness between his legs, he broke away from me.
“What are you doing?” His breaths were coming in deep gasps, giving away the fact that he wanted this almost as much as I did.
“Make me forget, Bax. Show me what it’s like to be loved, to be wanted, in the right way. Erase his touch from my body, and replace it with yours. Please.” I was begging, but I didn’t care. Now that I had made up my mind as to what I wanted, I felt like I would catch fire if he didn’t touch me.
“Libby…”
I could tell by the sound of his voice that he was unsure of what I was asking.
“Please, Bax, make love to me. I need you to cleanse all the hate he subjected me to. Make me forget,” I repeated as I moved to straddle him.
His hands went to my waist to steady me.
“I’m clean. I got tested before we left for the trip, and I’m on birth control, so I can’t get pregnant.” I rocked myself against him, and a moan escaped at the pure pleasure our bodies elicited when pressed together.
“Libby,” he said on a groan as he closed his eyes.
Even without being able to see the feelings in his eyes, I knew he was warring with himself as to what the right thing was.
Taking over the situation, I moved my hand under his boxers and clasped it around him, stroking until he growled. His eyes popped open, finding mine, and I went still.
“Are you sure this is what you want?” He pushed himself against me, and the most wonderful sensation blossomed between my legs.
“Yes, Bax,” I whimpered. “So much you can’t understand.”
He moved slowly, so I could follow his actions and intentions, and he removed my pajama top and then my shorts. Shimmying out of his boxers, he then pulled me back onto his thighs and kissed me deeply.
When he broke the kiss, he leaned back against the headboard and brushed his hands through my hair. “You control this, Libby. When, how far we go, how fast or slow. You’re in control the entire time, okay?”
“Yes,” I said because I knew he wanted to hear me say it.
He nodded once but remained still.
Finding the courage to take what I wanted, I lifted up onto my knees and positioned myself over him. Steadying myself on his shoulders, I slowly sank until I felt him against me and then inside me.
This moment—this shared affection between us—was everything I could have ever wanted and more. This wasn’t hurtful, forceful, or stolen. This moment of consent was the breaking point between friends, between confidants. We entered into something so deep, it wove its way into my heart and planted its seed to grow.
And, as I sighed, I felt the protective door to my heart open wide for Bax.
As my lips fell down onto his, my heart fell so deeply in love with him that I knew I would never be the same.
As we lay in the silence of the aftermath of our lovemaking, a smile spread across my face so wide, I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to seal my lips again.
Nuzzling into Bax’s pectoral, I giggled. I felt Bax’s head shaking back and forth, and I looked up to see him smiling as well.
“Happy?” He sank his fingers into my hair.
My scalp was sore from when Joel had gripped my blonde locks tightly in his hand, but I refused to let the reminder ruin this moment.
I just made love for the first time! I squealed in my head. And it was with Bax, this gorgeous specimen of a man beside me.
“You have no idea.” I reached up to give him a quick peck on the lips and then fell back into his arms again.
“I think I do. You were pretty adamant about telling me over and over again about two minutes ago.”
His chest shook with his silent laugh, and I smacked his stomach. I watched his muscles flex and then laughed with him.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
Before I knew what happened, Bax had me on my back and hovered over me. For the first time, the position didn’t make my blood turn to ice and my heart race in fear.
“Can I tell you something?” Bax asked against my lips.
“Only if it doesn’t take too long, and you promise to kiss me right after.”
Our mouths stretched into a smile against the others.
He pulled back, and I groaned my protest.
“Do you want to see my tattoo?” His eyes searched mine.
“Yes, but that’s what’s preventing you from kissing me? I can see it later.”
I tried to pull him back to me, but he shook his head.
“Patience.” He smiled.
Turning on the light next to the bed, he twisted and indicated a lower portion of his shoulder.
Blinking, I wasn’t sure I was seeing things clearly. Reaching out my hand, I outlined the infinity sign that looked to be a direct replica of my tattoo, artistically woven into the script about his
demons playing well with another’s. I turned my wrist over and moved it beside his. They matched. He even had the peanut and the H.O.P.E. inscription.
“What…I-I don’t understand.” I wasn’t sure what to think.
He grabbed something from the table, and when he turned to face me, he opened my hand and placed a penny in my palm. Even though I was uncertain of what was happening, I smiled at the gesture.
“When you were finished, I asked the tattoo artist to give me the same tattoo as you because I wanted a way I could always be connected to you. You’ve changed me and altered my life in these three short months, Libby, and I never want to forget that.”
My heart did a little pitter-patter in my chest. But, when I saw the serious look on his face, it started to kick up a notch in worry.
“I love you.” It was whispered with so much reverence that my heart started to soar.
His words permeated my skin, danced around my chest, sank into my bones, and entered into my bloodstream to become a part of me forever. They filled up portions of me that had been empty since my loved ones left me alone in this world, and for the first time in over five years, I felt whole.
I hadn’t heard those three little words in a very long time, and I was amazed at how much healing they could offer, especially when I looked into Bax’s eyes and saw that he meant them with everything inside him.
And I knew then that my purpose in life was to find him. That my loved ones had sent me Bax, so he could help me move beyond the purgatory I had lived in since their deaths.
As a smile broke out on my face, I sent up a silent thank-you to my guardian angels and crushed my mouth against Bax’s.
“I love your tattoo, and I love you so much,” I said against his lips. I felt his smile.
When he pulled back, his face was probably a direct reflection of the jubilation on mine. I knew, from that moment forward, we would always be there for each other, supporting one another through thick and thin, and I couldn’t be happier my family and Jarrod had handpicked someone perfectly right for me.