Seeing Stars

by J. Sterling

  “He’s not signing with us, Jayson. I’m really sorry.”

  But I wasn’t.

  His face immediately turned an unnatural shade of crimson as his hands balled into fists on top of his desk. He looked like a child who had just lost his favorite toy. “And why the hell not? You obviously fucked this up for us, Madison.”

  “Me?” I coughed out, my voice a mixture of disbelief and irritation. “I only went out with him because you threatened my job! I tried to talk to him about signing here, but he doesn’t want an agent right now.” I lied through gritted teeth and prayed he wouldn’t see through my bullshit.

  “Oh! Well, that’s a different story altogether now, isn’t it?” His face started to return to its normal coloring. “Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?”

  “Sorry.” I wasn’t certain which parts I was apologizing for, or why I apologized at all, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. What was it about bosses and their ability to manipulate you into thinking they owned you? Why did we tend to let them get away with things we’d never let normal people in our lives get away with?

  “So, you’ll be seeing him again then, I assume? Make sure you give me all the details so I can set up the paps.”

  The room spun around me as my vision blurred. “You called them?” The realization of how all the paparazzi knew my name and where I worked slammed into my consciousness like a freight train.

  “Of course I called them,” he said, looking rather proud of himself. “You have any idea the amount of publicity you’ve given me? I got at least a dozen voice mails and a hundred e-mails as a result of it. Other agencies have been trying to land Walker for years.”

  “The paparazzi are relentless, Jayson. They followed me to my house last night! They were there when I opened the door this morning!” I gasped, the air closing in around me as I tried to make sense of it all.

  “You can deal with it. You’re a big girl. I want you to keep dating Walker until he makes up his mind on an agency.” His bloodshot eyes settled on mine. “Not that anyone else would touch him. They assume he’s already made his choice. And when he does, it better be this one. Don’t make me look like a fool.”

  I sat back in the chair, bristling. “Uh, no. I won’t do that.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “I said no.” My defensive instincts kicked in. I refused to let this slimeball I called a boss do this to me again. “I’m not your pawn, Jayson, or your whore. I’m your assistant. And what you’re asking me to do is beyond unethical.”

  His fists slammed down hard on top of his desk, causing my unopened bottle of water to tumble over and roll to the floor. “Unethical?” He let out a sinister laugh. “You have no idea just how unethical I can be,” he threatened.

  “I won’t do it.” I shoved out of the chair and stood stiffly in front of his desk, trembling with anger and the injustice of it all.

  “But you will,” he said smugly. “You love this job. You’re good at it too, and I know how badly you want to keep it. So, you’ll go out with Walker until he signs with us. After that, I don’t give a fuck what you do with him.” His attention abruptly shifted from me back down to his keyboard. Apparently our conversation had ended.

  My throat constricted again and I wished I’d had some of that water. “No,” I croaked out.

  “No?” His voice sounded shocked as his gaze slid menacingly back up to meet mine.

  “No. I won’t go out with him. I won’t force him to sign with us and you can’t make me. This is illegal, Jayson. This is bullshit!” I spat at him, completely disgusted.

  “I dare you to find anyone in this office who would agree with you,” he said coldly. “If you ever want to work in this town again, you should choose your next words carefully.” He suddenly pointed a ballpoint pen right at me, reminding me of the way Walker had pointed at me last night, and I lost it.

  Completely fucking lost it.

  “I’ve worked for you for over two years,” I said tightly, “and I’ve never once complained. I took all your bullshit craziness and handled it like a champ because I wanted to get ahead in this industry. I wanted to be an agent here. But if this is how you do business, I want no part of it. You disgust me. This whole place disgusts me.” I waved my arm out toward the door, indicating everyone who sat outside of it.

  I referred to Jayson’s bosses. As much as I’d like to think that they were clueless in how he handled his business, I knew better. All anyone cared about was the bottom line. Their lives revolved around money, and I wanted mine to be more than that.

  “If you think this industry is filled with rainbows and sunshine, sweetheart, you’ve got another think coming.” Tiny balls of spit formed in the corners of his mouth as he continued shouting. “It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and if you don’t eat the fucking dog, you get eaten! You have no idea what it takes to get ahead. And even if you did, you don’t have the balls to do it. You’ll never make it as an agent. You’re too soft.”

  “Fuck you,” I shot back. “I’d rather not be an agent if it means I have to treat people the way you do. I value the basic human decency you lost a long time ago, if you ever had it to begin with. I feel sorry for you, and I never want to be like you.”

  “You never could,” he said with a sneer. “You’re weak and pathetic.”

  My heart pounded as I gripped the back of the chair for support and leaned the upper half of my body toward Jayson’s desk. “And you’re an asshole who doesn’t care about anyone but himself! I hope all your clients see you for who you are and dump your sorry ass.”

  He barked out a mean laugh. “I make them way too much money, they’d never leave me.”

  “You mean, they make you money,” I shouted incredulously, my temper rising to an all-out boil. “Not the other way around. They don’t work for you, Jayson. You. Work. For. Them. No wonder you’re so screwed up.”

  He snorted. “You’re so naive. You’ve just signed your own death warrant in this business, sweetheart.”

  “We’ll see about that,” I shot back with confidence, but wondered how much weight he truly held outside these office doors. “And don’t call me sweetheart.”

  “Get the fuck out of my office,” he shouted, spraying spittle all over his desk.

  “Gladly,” I said coldly. “I quit.”

  I turned around as quickly as my shaking legs would move and slammed his office door with all my strength. Something in his office rattled and crashed to the floor as I stalked to my desk, and I allowed myself a satisfied smile.

  The office was eerily silent. All my coworkers were standing up in their cubicles, peeking over the partial walls with wide eyes focused on me.

  I grabbed my clutch and the few personal items I kept here as well, and walked hastily toward the elevator. A few hesitant claps broke out in my wake, but the rest stayed quiet. My face burned as I wondered what they were thinking.

  In the parking garage, anger seared through my veins, charring everything in its wake. Even the tears that threatened to fall failed to form, choked out by my anger and the adrenaline that still pumped through me. Reaching for my cell phone, I dialed Walker’s number. It didn’t even register at the time to think it odd that he was the first person I wanted to call.

  When he answered the phone by crooning my nickname, Sparkles, the tears sprang free. I couldn’t speak; I just sobbed. I needed to get it together, but I had no idea that hearing his voice would affect me like that.

  “Madison, I was kidding,” he said quickly. “I won’t call you that anymore. Are you there?”

  When I sniffled, he breathed out a sigh into the receiver. “Are you crying? What happened? Madison?”

  “I just quit my job,” I managed to get out before repeatedly sucking in jagged breaths.

  “You quit?” He paused for a moment, and I could hear him breathing. “What happened?”

  “C–can you come over?”

  He paused, but it was too long a pause. I�
��d made a mistake in calling him. I was just about to tell him to forget it and tell him I was sorry for bothering him when he asked, “Can you meet me out here instead?”

  I nodded.

  “Madison?” He repeated my name, obviously unable to see me nodding through the phone.

  I nodded my head again like an idiot. “Yeah. I can meet you there. Where?”

  “The Ripcurl Café in Malibu. You know the place?”

  My heart stopped beating and I nearly dropped the phone in my lap. Yeah, I knew the place. I hadn’t thought about that restaurant in years, and now that he was suggesting it, I wanted to throw up. I couldn’t go back there. I’d vowed never to step foot in that place again. And I hadn’t. Not since I was a teenager.

  “Can we go somewhere else?” I said, my voice shaking. “I’d really rather not go there.”

  He’s going to think I’m crazy.

  “It’s my favorite spot. You don’t hate it, do you? You can’t hate it.”

  “I don’t hate it,” I murmured, my mind sorting through the memories I’d locked away tightly all those years ago. Every single one of them flooded over me and I started to hyperventilate. Concentrating on my erratic breathing, I willed myself to calm down. It was only a restaurant and it had been a lifetime ago. Surely I could go eat there with my new friend, and not completely lose my shit over it?

  I hoped.

  “Madison?” Walker’s voice broke through my semi freak-out, instantly calming me.

  “I’m here.” I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down. Just because I’d had my heart ripped out at that café as a teenager didn’t mean that I needed to act like one now.

  Grow up. You need to move on.

  “Can we go there? I’d really like to take you there.” His voice was overly chipper and I suddenly wanted to smack him for it.

  “Fine.”

  Walker sighed. “I have a feeling that when you say ‘fine’ you’re just giving in, but that doesn’t mean you’re happy about it. I promise you’ll be happy about this. Meet me there in an hour.”

  “Fine,” I said again, and hung up.

  The moment I pulled my car onto Pacific Coast Highway, my chest tightened. Being in Malibu hadn’t made me feel like this in years. It wasn’t the town bringing back all the memories, it was the venue.

  Turning right into the café’s gravel lot, my heartbeat quickened. As I pulled into a parking space, I thought about turning right back around and leaving. I’d simply tell Walker that I couldn’t do it. We’d have to meet somewhere else. Shaking my head as I took deep breaths to calm myself, a quick rap on my window caused me to jump and my breath to catch.

  Walker’s hazel eyes greeted me through the glass, their familiar color imprinting on me again. I narrowed my eyes as I examined the flecks of green and brown in his, their soulful depths virtually calling me home. Or maybe just to the bedroom.

  “You all right?”

  I collected my thoughts at the sound of his voice and pressed the button to roll down my window. “Sorry. Give me a second.” I breathed deeply again, reminding myself that I could be here. I could do this. I’d make new memories here, today. Starting now, I’d no longer associate this place with pain from the past. My old remembrance of it would be replaced with memories of Walker and happiness, and how he was there for me when I stood up to my asshole boss and quit the first job I’d gone to college for.

  When I got out of the car, Walker’s hands were instantly all over me, one hand tangling in my hair while the other pressed against the small of my back, pulling me into a warm hug. His body closed the space between us and everything in me shot to life. I was hyperaware of every touch of his skin on mine and grateful for the break from my past fears.

  “I’m so sorry about your job,” he said. “I want to hear everything.” He leaned his mouth next to my ear, kissing and nibbling at it between words. “I’ll fucking kill your boss if you want me to. I know people,” he joked with a flirtatious smile.

  At least, I hoped he was joking.

  He dipped his chin and looked deeply into my eyes while caressing the nape of my neck. “So, what happened?”

  I shook my head, so many issues bombarding me at once. “I don’t even know. One second I’m blissfully happy, and the next I’m telling my boss what a raging asshole he is and how much I hate the way he runs his business. Then I quit.”

  He smiled and gently squeezed the back of my neck. “You were blissfully happy?”

  “Really? That’s the part you heard?” I pressed my lips together and raised my eyebrows.

  Walker let out a big laugh. “No. I heard the rest. I just liked the blissfully happy part the best. Although I gotta admit, you’re sort of a badass, babe.”

  Babe? Sigh.

  “Thanks.”

  I glanced up at the weathered blue-and-white sign in the nearly empty parking lot, and then back toward the old wood entrance where a surfboard hung above it. In all the years that had passed, the café hadn’t changed one bit. My stomach lurched at the memories shaking their way loose, and I gripped on to Walker a bit too tight.

  “Are you sure you’re okay being here? We can leave.” His voice softened but I could tell he didn’t want to.

  Too late, buddy. I’m already here. You’ve already sent me spiraling back in time.

  “I can’t believe you don’t remember.” The light flecks in his eyes sparkled as he looked at me.

  “Remember what?”

  “You don’t remember being here with me before? I wanted to wait until we got inside, but I’m afraid you won’t let me get you in there.” He smiled wickedly at me, his hand sliding down to stroke my back.

  My heart pounded, raced actually, as the memories I’d pushed back since that summer over ten years ago flooded through me. Thoughts of me and my summer crush sitting in the sand, arms wrapped around each other as the sun set. Watching Scotty surf at dawn, and then staying all afternoon when he could, which wasn’t often enough since his mom got sick. Saying good-bye here, in the parking lot of what had become “our” café.

  And my overly dramatic teenage heart feeling like it broke in two as I had to leave him when the summer ended.

  • • •

  I flipped over, reminding myself that it was time to tan my back, and undid the strap of my bikini top. No one wanted tan lines and I agreed. Propping my head up on top of my fists, I watched Scotty out in the ocean, his arms paddling hard as he moved to catch the oncoming wave. He pushed himself from his knees to his feet in one swift motion, and I envied the smooth, efficient way the surfboard tilted and cut through the water in response to a slight shift in his hips.

  Surfing came so easily to him, but when he had tried to teach me yesterday morning, all I accomplished was perfecting my tumbling skills. When I finally did stand on the board in the water, it lasted all of two seconds before my balance slipped away and I landed in the freezing ocean again.

  Scotty could have teased me mercilessly, but he didn’t. He reminded me that it took most people years to learn how to surf well. Still, I was pissed I hadn’t learned in a single day. Ever the perfectionist, I nodded my head at him, but secretly wished I was more athletic.

  Ice-cold water droplets rained down my back, pulling me away from yesterday and back to today with a shock. I moved to jump from my towel, but thankfully remembered that my top was untied. Instead I quickly turned my head to the right, seeing Scotty standing above me, ringing out his wet clothes.

  “Stop it,” I whined as I retied my top.

  He placed his cold fingers on my back. “Leave it untied.”

  My eyes met his. Recognizing the lust-filled hormones raging behind them, I pulled the bow on my top tight and pushed up onto my knees, facing him. “I’m not letting this entire beach see my goodies.”

  Scotty glanced around from side to side. “Lucky for you, no one’s looking. Just me.” He folded his arms across his bare chest.

  “Nice try,” I teased.

  With hi
s towel next to mine, Scotty lay down on his side and ran his fingers along my hip. “Need me to rub some suntan lotion on you?”

  I swatted at his hand. “Oh my gosh, Scotty! Is sex all you think about?” Only fourteen and still a virgin, sex talk made me nervous. I hadn’t felt about any boy in my hometown the way I felt about Scotty, but I knew the summer was ending soon and most likely, so were we.

  He shrugged and closed one eye. “I think about music too.” His laugh filled my ears as he leaned down to kiss my lips. “But mostly sex. What can I say? I’m a teenage boy and my loins are needy.”

  This time it was my own laughter that filled my ears. “Loins? Your loins are needy? Sounds serious. You might want to see a doctor for that,” I suggested with a coy smile.

  “Wanna play doctor?”

  • • •

  I looked up into Walker’s eyes, suddenly realizing why they’d looked so familiar in a more meaningful way. “Oh my God. Oh my God.”

  My mouth instantly felt dry, as if I’d eaten a bucket filled with sand, and I choked on my words, my thoughts, my memories. My head spun as I tried to keep myself standing upright. It didn’t work and I crouched down, wrapping my arms around my knees as I lowered my head, my shoulders wracked with my sobs.

  Walker instantly squatted in front of me, frantically stroking my hair and rubbing my arms, touching me, consoling me in any way he could.

  Shaking my head, I looked up, my vision blurred with tears. “Scotty?”

  “Scott Walker Rhodes,” he corrected gently.

  “Is it really you?”

  “Was I really that forgettable?” He smirked at me, but I didn’t miss the moisture that suddenly filled his eyes.

  “It is you, isn’t it?” I choked out. “You look so different.”

  “I finally lost all my baby fat,” he said jokingly, but it was true. “And grew about a foot since you last saw me.” He flexed his arms, making the muscles press against the sleeves of his shirt as he smiled. “And I’ve been working out.”

  I half laughed. It was amazing how much he’d changed since that summer a decade ago. He was much taller now, his body lean and muscular, a far cry from the shorter, pudgier teenage version of him. His hair was now close-cropped and nearly black, very different from the long, wavy sun-bleached dark brown locks that were always falling into his eyes when he was a teenager. And his face was now the face of a man, all chiseled and lean; no remnants of his once-full cheeks remained. But those eyes, they hadn’t changed a bit.