Desire Had A Name: The Bad Baker Boys: Matt's Story

by Tonya Brooks

  Time seemed to stand still as Matt held her in a tender embrace and they danced in silence for endless minutes. He was overjoyed at being able to hold her as he had dreamed of doing for fifteen long, lonely years. He loved the feel of her body pressed so intimately against his, her head nestled comfortably against his shoulder, the gentle warmth of her breath against his neck.

  He inhaled the scent of her and closed his eyes in contentment, a smile of satisfaction on his handsome face. How could a man want more than this? Matt couldn't. Harley was everything he'd ever wanted, everything he'd ever need and he longed to show her just how much.

  They sat at a table and he ordered them another drink as they laughed over old times and reminisced about the good old days. Both of them were pleased that they shared some good memories as well as the bad. Around eleven, Matt led her back to the car and Harley asked, “Can we put the top down?”

  “Whatever the lady wants,” he agreed indulgently and lowered the roof of the convertible. Matt removed his jacket and tie and put them in the back seat. He rolled the sleeves of his shirt up onto his forearms and unbuttoned the top two buttons to get comfortable.

  Once they were on the road, Harley pulled the pins out of her hair and let it blow freely in the warm night air. Feeling young and carefree, she slid her shoes off, stood up to let the wind whip around her and laughed just for the sheer joy of being alive. “I think I had one mojito too many,” she admitted as she sank back into the seat with her legs curled beneath her.

  Matt was certain that she'd had just enough as she was behaving more like the wild, impulsive girl he had known than the polished, sophisticated woman that she had become. “Come over here,” he said and patted the seat between them. When Harley scooted closer, he draped his arm over her shoulders to hold her possessively against his side and placed a tender kiss against her temple.

  Harley smiled wistfully and laid her head on his shoulder. Tonight had been almost too perfect. She found herself wondering what their lives would have been like if their relationship had worked out. If it had been anything like this, it would have been heaven on earth. Sighing in contentment, she closed her eyes and wished the night would never end.

  Matt was in complete agreement with that and he was determined to make sure it didn't. Tonight he had intended to show her how compatible they really were, that he wasn't the same man that she remembered, and he'd succeeded admirably. Harley's response had been all he could have hoped for and more.

  Now he just had to convince her that they could have a future together if she was willing to give him another chance. He pulled onto a paved driveway that led to the vacant lot he had brought her to the night before, and parked in the center of the yard.

  Harley lifted her head and looked around curiously when the car stopped. “Where are we?”

  “This used to be the wooded area where we made love the first time,” he explained and saw her look of surprise. “The house that was built here a few years later, burned, and the owners decided to move closer to their grandchildren. I bought it because this is where our son was conceived. Jed and I camp here when he's home.”

  A smile touched his lips as he recalled, “One time it rained and the tent leaked like a sieve. We wound up sleeping in the car, soaking wet and Jed caught a cold. After that I customized the seats into a bed. Now, we don't bother with the tent. We just put the top down and lie in the car staring up at the stars.”

  So the bed hadn't been for more lascivious purposes as she had imagined. Matthew had done it so the camping trips their son loved wouldn't be ruined. She was relieved and touched by the knowledge as well as the fact that the land held sentimental value for him. “It's a beautiful piece of property.” Harley said as she looked from the oak trees lining the drive at the front to the view of the river at the back.

  “I plan to build our home here,” he said quietly and saw her head swing around to him in surprise. “I want us to be a family, Harley.”

  “Matthew,” she said in protest as tears sprang to her eyes. Harley was amazed that he was willing to try again after everything they had been through the first time.

  “I know we can put the past behind us and begin again. We proved that tonight,” he assured her seriously. “I want us to raise our son together, baby. I want to share my life with you and grow old and gray with you by my side.”

  It sounded wonderful. Like a fairy tale come true. But it just wasn't possible and she knew it. “I can't,” she said sadly and had to look away.

  “You can,” he insisted. “This is our chance to give Jed the kind of life he deserves, with two parents who love him.”

  The guilt that comment heaped on her was nearly unbearable. She knew that he was right, but even Harley had her limits. She had just discovered that there was a sacrifice she simply could not make for her son. “It's not possible,” she denied in a broken whisper.

  “I know why you refused to sleep with me when we were together,” he confessed and heard her ragged intake of breath. “I didn't realize it then. It just came to me last night after I left you at your mom's. You were right, Harley. I didn't treat you like a lady, but you have to know I'd never treat you like a whore.” Matt assured her and his voice ached with regret. “I didn't use you, baby. I wanted you so much that I lost control and I didn't realize you wanted me to stop. God help me, I didn't know.”

  “It doesn't matter now,” she said shakily as she dug her nails into her palms with the effort it took to hold back the tears.

  “It does matter.” Matt insisted. “I hurt you. I was too drunk to realize the first time and last night... last night I was half out of my mind. But that's no excuse. I should have been able to control myself instead of doing the same damn thing that had driven you away from me in the first place.”

  “You didn't hurt me, Matthew.” Harley denied as tears slid hotly down her cheeks in spite of her determination not to let them. God, he was killing her by apologizing for something he hadn't done. “Not the first time and not last night.”

  Confused at her denial, he asked, “Then what the hell did I do to make you loathe my touch?”

  “Nothing,” she admitted painfully and was so desperate to end this awful conversation that she would say anything he wanted to hear. “It’s not you, okay? It's me. Doesn’t matter who the man is, I can’t... I just... can’t.”

  “You mean it's happened before?” He asked with a frown and didn't receive an answer. “Harley, has it happened with someone else?”

  “There hasn't been anyone else.” Harley managed to choke out in a whisper.

  Matt was incredulous. He knew that she and Mark had shared an overactive sex life and for her to remain celibate for thirteen years was too incredible to believe. But he did believe her. What had he done to traumatize her to that extent? “My God,” Matt breathed harshly, his voice filled with horror and self-recrimination. “What the hell did I do to you?”

  “You didn't do anything.” Harley insisted shakily as she began to tremble and knew she had to get control of herself. Even after all this time, she still couldn't bear crying in front of Matthew.

  “Don't lie to me, dammit,” he insisted hoarsely and placed his hands on her shoulders to turn her to face him. The raw anguish in her eyes, and the knowledge that he was responsible for it, was more than he could stand. “Baby, please tell me.”

  Harley could hold her own against Matthew's anger, but his tender concern had systematically stripped away all of her defenses and she was helpless to fight him, or herself, any more. Unable to bear the emotional onslaught, she wrenched herself free of his hold and bolted from the car.

  She made it halfway to the river and fell to her knees in defeat. There was no place left to run, no where that she could hide the truth from herself. When he followed her, she held up her hands to ward him off and cried brokenly, “Don't touch me!” Dear God, if he tried to comfort her she'd fall completely apart.

  Matt sank to his knees in front of her, his expressio
n tortured as he vowed hoarsely, “I won't touch you, Harley. God help me, I'll never hurt you again.”

  The confession ripped from her throat without conscious thought, “Dammit, Matthew, I was raped!” Now that she had actually voiced her deepest, darkest secret aloud, Harley could no longer contain the emotional trauma that threatened to tear her apart. She bent over double in shame, dropped her face between her knees and succumbed to the pain and anguish that she had kept bottled up inside for thirteen long, agonizing years.

  It was fortunate that he was already kneeling, because Matt would have hit the dirt otherwise. Like it was he couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't even think as the word rang over and over again in his head with deafening clarity until the meaning exploded in his brain. Raped. Raped? Harley had been... raped!?

  At first, his mind couldn't quite grasp the reality of it, but when it did, Matt was so sickened by the knowledge that he became physically ill and nearly vomited the bile that rose up in his throat. Then the realization that some perverse bastard had violated his precious Harley, enraged him beyond all reason, and he roared like a wounded animal in the throes of battle.

  Harley shuddered violently as the horrible, primitive cry pierced the night. On some level she knew that it had come from Matthew in reaction to her shameful secret. Dear God. There was no way that she could ever face him again. Not now. She wouldn't be able to handle it if she saw pity in his eyes. Or, God help her, if he blamed her.

  Consumed by a black rage such as he had never known, his fists clenched in the grass, uprooting huge chunks of it in his fury. The compulsion to maim and kill overtook Matt until his body shook with the force of it. He wanted to hunt the bastard down and exact vengeance through the most painful means imaginable.

  Death was too good for the bastard who had dared to touch her. He deserved to suffer all the tortures of a living hell and Matt was just the man to make damn sure that he did. And he would. Just as soon as he found out who he was. With that intent in mind, he looked over at Harley, his obsidian gaze ablaze with all the fires of hell.

  The sight of her suffering tore at his battered heart and doused his fury as nothing else on earth could have done. He'd never seen her cry before and he damn sure never wanted to see it again. Harley appeared to be in extreme agony and he felt her pain as deeply as if it were his own. Wanting nothing more than to ease her torment, he knew better than to try and hold her, but needed to desperately. Matt said her name in a broken whisper that was hoarse with too many emotions.

  Harley looked up at Matthew hesitantly, terrified of what she would see. He just sat there staring helplessly back at her, his handsome face contorted with a tormented expression. When he held out his arms, she threw herself into them and held on to his solid strength. At that moment, she needed the comfort he was offering more than she had ever needed anything. He didn't say a word. He just held her as if she were the most precious thing in the world, as she clung to him in desperation and cried until there were no tears left to fall.

  When she quieted down to shaky, sniffling little sounds, Matt stood unsteadily with her in his arms and carried Harley back to the car. He opened the driver’s door, flipped the seat down and settled her in a sitting position in the back. Sliding in beside her, he draped his jacket around her shoulders, handed her a handkerchief and placed his arms securely around her trembling body. His expression was still deeply troubled as he asked hoarsely, “Why didn't you tell me?”

  “I've never told anyone.” She admitted quietly as she curled her legs beneath her and stared down at her lap, too ashamed to look at him.

  “You didn't report it to the police?” He asked and the frown grew deeper when she shook her head. “Baby, why not?”

  “I couldn't bear the thought of the gossip. People staring at me, whispering and wondering what... what I'd done to deserve it.”

  Matt cursed crudely because he knew that she was right. Small town gossip ran rampant and with her bad girl reputation, they would have made her life a living hell. But even so, she should have told someone instead of letting the bastard get away with it scot-free. That was about to change. “Who was it?” He asked as calmly as he could manage, but the anger was clearly evident in his tone.

  “I don't know,” she said as her fingers twisted the handkerchief into a knot.

  Matt had assumed that some bastard she had gone out with had refused to take no for an answer and committed date rape, but obviously that hadn't been the case. “What happened?”

  “I can't,” she choked as a shudder rocked her body. Even now, Harley could barely acknowledge what had happened to herself. There was no way in hell she could share something that humiliating with Matthew.

  “You can.” Matt insisted gently as his arms tightened protectively around her.

  Lifting stormy blue eyes to his, she pleaded, “Don't make me tell you, Matthew.”

  The guilt and shame on her beautiful face ripped through him like a jagged blade. “It's eating you up inside, baby. You've got to get it out.” Matt reasoned.

  Deep down, Harley knew that he was right, but she couldn't bear the thought of him turning away from her in disgust. “It wasn't my fault,” she said brokenly and buried her face against his chest.

  “I'm not going to blame you, Harley.” Matt assured her as he laid his cheek atop her head. “I just need to know what happened. Please tell me.”

  Her hands lifted to clutch his arm in an unconscious effort to hang on to something solid and real as she allowed her mind to delve past the wall that she had erected. “It was April and Mark had gone back to school after spring break. I was lonely without him, so I went down to the cove behind the house and just sat there staring at the lake. I hadn't been there long when I heard someone walking toward me. I looked up and saw a m...man... in a ski mask.”

  Her grip tightened on his arm as she relived the moment over again in her mind and Matt braced himself for what was to come.

  “I laughed when I saw him, because only a nut would wear a ski mask on such a warm day. I thought it was one of the guys playing around. Then he... he grabbed my hair and punched me in the face. He must have knocked me out because the next thing I remember, I was lying on the ground and he was kneeling beside me. My shirt was gone... my jeans were... twisted around my ankles and he'd... used my bra to... to tie my hands around a tree.”

  Her words were becoming rushed, as if now that the damn had broken, she couldn't get them out fast enough. “I screamed and he ripped my panties off and... and stuffed them in my mouth. I jerked my knees up and slammed them against his head as hard as I could. When he fell backward, I kicked him and kicked him until he rolled away. Then he got up and he... he took his belt off and b... beat me with it. The harder I fought, the more he hit me... but I couldn't stop fighting him! I had to get away!”

  Harley's pupils were dilated at she relived the horror that she had experienced, her nails digging into his arm as terror took control of her. “I tried to fight him... tried to get loose... but he fell on top of me and he... he... he raped me!” A shudder shook her body and Matt's in its intensity. “Oh, God, why did he do that to me?” She cried in an agony of despair. “How could he hurt me like that? He beat me and raped me and I don't even know who he was. I don't even know who he was!”

  Matt had never felt so helpless in his life as he did right then. His entire body was rigid with frustrated fury. To think that his Harley had suffered such torment at the hands of some sick, perverted bastard nearly emasculated him because there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. He couldn't even hunt the bastard down and kill him. The only thing he could do was hold her trembling body and offer the comfort she so desperately needed as she gulped in air and fought to control her emotions. But his own personal hell was only just beginning, because Harley wasn't finished yet.

  “After he left, I managed to get free and... when I got home, I was covered all over in whelps and br...bruises. I got in the shower and scrubbed until my skin was
raw. But I couldn't get the feel of his hands off of me... the sickening scent of him out my head. I couldn't sleep because every time I closed my eyes, I saw him.”

  She took a shallow breath and continued in a voice void of emotion. “I started drinking until I passed out for just a few hours of relief, but when I woke up... it started all over again. I knew I had to do something before I completely lost my mind. I got this crazy idea to replace the memory of him with another one. So I went to the graduation party to find a man. Any man. And I saw you.”

  “Dear God.” Matt barely breathed as he closed his eyes in anguish, the jagged blade plunging even deeper and mutilating his very soul.

  “You were so gentle that day at the garage, and since that was what I needed, I threw myself at you, determined to do whatever it took to make you sleep with me. Only it didn't happen the way I had expected and... and I knew afterward that I'd never be able to go through with it again.”

  His entire body began to shake at the realization of the part he had played in causing her to relive her worst nightmare, not just once, but twice. Matt had taken her like a man possessed and shown her none of the gentleness that she had desperately needed. No wonder Harley had believed he had used her like a whore. It must have seemed like another violation to her. She'd come to him for help and damn his soul, he'd only made the situation worse. The knowledge that he had caused her to suffer even more was unbearable.

  “I'm sorry, baby.” Matt said brokenly as tears of remorse streamed down his face. “I'm so damn sorry.”

  Harley was shocked back to her senses when she realized that Matthew was crying. He was so strong that she'd always believed him to be invincible and immune to pain and suffering like mere mortals were. But right then he seemed to be hurting as bad as she was. Pulled from the depths of her own despair by his, she said tremulously, “You didn't do anything wrong, Matthew.”