Commitment Phobia (Journey Back Home 1)

by Rachel Gilberts

  "What do you mean, Mom?" inquired Erica. "I have trust. I trust you and Dad and Johnny. And I trust Peter. I really do."

  Eileen thought about what she wanted to say. "I taught you not to trust emotions, not to trust love. When your father left me pregnant with you, I was devastated. I loved your father with every fiber of my being, and I thought he loved me too. After you were born, my love turned to hate. I hated that he left us for... Well, never mind that. But I was so confused and hurt and afraid, but I had you. You were all I had and I vented my anger and hurt, thinking you were just a baby and I really had no one else to talk to."

  Chapter Four

  "WHEN I MET your step-father you were already six. The damage had already been done, I just didn't see it. I had already taught you not to trust your feelings or anyone else's. I felt I should have known somehow, seen it coming. I was so happy Erica, I was finally pregnant and in love with your father.

  "Afterwards, I vowed I'd never love again, and I vowed to protect you from ever having to experience the same hurt and rejection I had suffered. I never considered what it would do to you later on in life. I'm so sorry my dear, so, so sorry. It was terribly wrong of me to put all that on you."

  "But, Mom, you did love again, right? You love Dad right?" Erica asked.

  "I have grown to love him, but I don't think I can honestly say I loved him at first. He was so kind, gentle, and patient; and he adored you. I thought you needed a father and I didn't mind the attention. Over the years, though, I have grown to love him, very much," her mother answered.

  Erica quietly asked, "Do you tell him you love him? I don't think I ever heard you say it to him."

  "Oh, I show him every day that I care, he knows." Her mother answered.

  "But have you ever told him?" Erica continued, "Peter said something like words define actions. That others can only guess what you mean by what you do, he said 'words clarify actions.'"

  Eileen looked at her daughter in wonderment. "That Peter is pretty smart, isn't he? I can't argue with that at all. Let me ask you something - do you love him? What do you really feel for him?"

  Erica responded with more tears, "I miss him so much, Mommy. We haven't talked in days. I feel like a part of me is missing."

  "Well, that sounds like love to me. What are you afraid of my dear?" Eileen was trying to determine whether this was a "mother can fix it" problem, or something deeper that may require an outside professional help.

  Erica thought for a minute and finally said, "I guess I'm afraid he will leave me like my biological father did. I don't understand how he could have just left us and never look back. Like we weren't important at all. How could he not want to see me, to know me? If my own father didn't want me, how can I trust any man to want me?"

  Eileen started choking back a sob upon hearing her daughter's insecurities about men.

  "Oh, my God Erica, this really is all my fault. Your father tried to see you and I prevented him. I never told you. I kept our whereabouts secret. I hid you from him. I know for a fact he tried, but I didn't give in. I figured he had caused us enough pain, I wasn't going to allow him another chance to hurt me again. I mean hurt us again.

  "Do you remember when you were young, going to court? Well, I sued him for parental rights after I married John. I just wanted us to be a happy, intact family. I figured your father would be too busy doing whatever he was doing to respond. Actually, he was in Florida, taking care of your grandmother, who was dying of cancer. I was so surprised when he showed up at court and contested the claim.

  "You must remember, the judge let him see you, it was the last time you did see him, I think. I'll never forget what he said. He told the judge that I had known John less than two years and he didn't know him at all. If he agreed to give up his rights and we walked out of court and I got hit by a bus and died, then he didn't want someone I had known such a short time and he didn't know at all, raising his daughter. He said that if I wanted to change your last name to John's then it was okay. You would change your name when you married anyway. He said that if I thought it would be better for you if we all had the same last name, then okay. But he would not give up his parental rights. He's been paying child support ever since. I never told you. I don't know why."

  Now they were both crying.

  "I just wanted him out of my life-out of our lives. I pretended that he never existed."

  "I do remember seeing him at court," Erica sobbed, "I also remember my brothers. You didn't just keep my father away from me, but my brothers, too."

  The reality of that statement hit Eileen hard.

  It was an aspect of her decision she had never considered.

  "You are absolutely right, Erica, and they, and you, didn't deserve that. I just never thought-" Eileen looked at Erica and continued. "There's more you should know-about your father and why he did what he did. It wasn't really all his fault, but another time. Right now, I think you should be very angry with me and I want to beg for your forgiveness. Can you ever forgive me, Erica?"

  "Mom, I can't imagine what you went through, and I don't care what extenuating circumstances there were. What he did was just wrong and hurtful and, well, just wrong. I don't hate you, I could never hate you. But what do I do about Peter?" Erica asked in despair.

  "Well," her mom answered, "as I see it you have two choices. Let him go, which I don't think is a viable option. Or go to him and tell him how you feel, which will be difficult. You don't have any practice at that. Try to make him understand some of this and see if he'll stand by you while you try to figure it out. It has been twenty years in the making. It will take some time to resolve, don't you think?"

  "Does it have to be this complicated?" asked Erica softly.

  "Unfortunately, it is this complicated, and I made it even more so." Mom offered, "I will help you as much as I can, but please don't ask me to see or talk to your father. That, I cannot, and will not, do."

  LATER THAT EVENING, Eileen was talking with her husband. "You know I love you, right?"

  John was taken by surprise, "Sure. What brought that on?"

  "I mean, I tell you I love you, don't I?" she asked.

  He responded, "Sure, every day, by the things you do."

  She asked, "But I tell you, don't I? Do I say the words?"

  "You did once, on our wedding night," was all he said, and he smiled, "and just now."

  Chapter Five

  ERICA REALLY DIDN'T have a choice, she left her mother still drinking her coffee and got into her car and drove directly to Peter's house.

  She needed to do this while it was still fresh. Before she had a chance to retreat back into the safety of no emotion.

  Peter's mother answered Erica's knock on the front door. Erica's face must have conveyed the myriad of emotions, torment, and sadness she was feeling. Peter's mother greeted her with a huge smile and embrace and said, "I am so happy to see you. He hasn't been out of his room since he got home." She motioned Erica inside and gestured with her eyes towards Peter's bedroom.

  Erica knocked gently on Peter's closed door.

  "I'm not hungry, Ma, okay? But, thanks. I just want to be alone." A hoarse voice that sounded sadly dejected answered.

  "Can I come in?" asked Erica tentatively. "It's me."

  There were some shuffling sounds before Peter opened the door.

  He was disheveled with Einstein hair sticking up. He was in rumpled pajamas, even though it was afternoon. It didn't look, or smell, as if he had showered recently. Erica could see crumpled potato chip bags, the remains of half-eaten Oreo cookies, and empty soda cans littering his room beyond the door.

  They stood looking at one another for only a second before Erica started sobbing. She had cried more in the past week than in her entire life.

  Peter reached out and held her closely, letting her emotions follow their natural path. When she was in some control, she sobbed, "Can we talk?"

  "Sure," Peter answered. Looking around his dirty room, he sai
d, "Maybe not here. Let's go somewhere private and quiet. Let me just throw on some clothes."

  "And maybe a shower first, okay? I can wait," Erica offered, with a smile through her tears.

  Peter chuckled and said, "Whatever the lady demands. Go talk to my Ma while I clean up."

  Peter's mother was in the kitchen. She had been trying unsuccessfully not to eavesdrop, but she loved her son and really liked this girl. They were good together.

  She had coffee and some homemade banana bread ready for Erica. While they sat and waited, Peter's mom tried not to pry - but talked about school, the weather, and then asked about Erica's family.

  That was when she started to get teary once again.

  "Oh, Erica, I didn't mean to upset you. Is everything all right? Is your family okay?" Peter's mom asked with concern.

  "Yup, okay," Erica managed to get out, trying to control her emotions.

  Just then, Peter arrived, freshly showered, and surveyed the scene.

  "Okay, let's go," he said gently, taking Erica by the arm.

  "Thank you, Mrs. Bell. The bread was delicious." Erica smiled and said, "Everything's okay, really."

  "I hope so, dear," Mrs. Bell responded, "see you later?"

  "I hope so," was all Erica answered.

  THEY DROVE TO a secluded spot by a lake where they liked to spend time relaxing. The last few days had been warmer and the snow had melted, leaving a muddy landscape that neither of them noticed.

  They walked to a bench positioned by the water's edge and sat. They sat for several minutes just enjoying each other's company while Erica collected her thoughts. She hadn't really thought about what she wanted to say.

  Peter just sat and waited. He looked at Erica, thinking how beautiful she was and how sad she looked. It broke his heart.

  Finally, he said, "I've missed you, Erica."

  Erica smiled, took a deep breath, and said, "Did you know I was named after my father?"

  Peter looked momentarily confused and said, "Your father's name is John."

  "No," Erica said with the conviction to get it all out. "My father left before I was born. His name was Eric, Eric Collins. John King is my step-father. I took his last name when he married my mother."

  Erica looked at Peter, unsure of how to continue. Peter sensed she needed time to organize her thoughts and emotions, so he just waited patiently for her to go on with her story.

  "And I have two older brothers. I bet you didn't know that either," she offered. "I had almost forgotten that myself. You know, it's funny how crap in your subconscious can affect your conscious behaviors."

  That one comment was an epiphany for Erica, and Peter saw it for what it was - a major breakthrough of understanding of what was happening inside of his girlfriend's head and heart.

  There was nothing he could do to help her with it at this time, other than to be kind and patient and let her work through it.

  So he sat close by, giving support simply by his physical and emotional presence.

  Chapter Six

  SUDDENLY, THE TEARS started welling in her eyes and, within seconds, she was crying those body-wrenching sobs from the depths of her own damaged subconscious.

  "I do love you, Peter," she managed to say between the gasps of breath that fueled her sobbing, "and I do want to go to the Keys with you. I want to go wherever you are. I don't ever want to be without you again. I've been miserable this week; really miserable."

  Now there were tears in Peter's eyes as he said, "Me too, sweetie. Me, too."

  He held her against his chest and let the crying end in its own time. When she had calmed, he lifted up her chin and kissed her tenderly. She responded by returning a kiss less tender and more urgent, filled with passion. They sat in that close embrace, kissing and holding each other as if they could never let go.

  Finally, Peter said, "What can I do to help?"

  "Time and patience is all I need," Erica answered honestly. "I always thought my father left us because of me. I've been waiting for twenty years for him to show up, and-" Erica restarted her choking sobbing, "tell me he loved me. Now, I find out he did want to see me and mom wouldn't let him. She never told me until today. She said she didn't want him to hurt me anymore, but what she really meant was that she didn't want to be hurt anymore. It took her a long time to recover from what he did, I get that what she did, she did thinking she was protecting us somehow. But now there are some things I need to figure out. It turns out there's a lot I didn't know and a lot more I still don't know. Do you think it's too late?"

  "It's never too late to understand things, especially when it comes to things that affect you so strongly. I hope you never stop trying to understand things, including me." Peter was an old soul. He always knew just what to say. "Hey, you have two more brothers? I wonder what they're like."

  Erica responded, "No idea, they must be messed up if they were raised by him, I think."

  "How old would they be?" Peter inquired.

  "If I remember right, the younger one was about ten when I was born and his brother was a couple of years older; so like maybe 30 and 32 or 33, I guess. I'm not really sure," she answered.

  "It'd be cool to find them, wouldn't it? Maybe you're an aunt. Wouldn't that be awesome?" Peter was always looking for the best in every situation.

  "And maybe they're dead of a drug overdose, or in jail. Who would know if they were raised by someone who could do what he did to my mother?" Erica was more of a pragmatist.

  "Well, that would certainly tell you something about your father, wouldn't it?" Peter asked. "Do you want to meet him? Your father, I mean."

  "I remember him. I saw him when I was six, Mom reminded me." Erica continued, "I think I want to see my brothers first, and then decide. Does that make sense?"

  Peter responded with his usual wisdom. "It makes perfect sense, but for now, I think you've had enough input to deal with, don't you? And besides, I'm hungry, let's go back to my house and eat. You have plenty of time to figure this all out, and you know you don't have to do it all alone. I'll be with you every step of the way. I mean... if you want me to."

  "I want you to. You better believe I want you to," Erica said as she moved in for another kiss and embrace.

  They walked into Peter's house, arm in arm, and met his mother in the kitchen. She took one look and heaved a sigh of relief.

  "So everything's okay with you two?"

  Erica smiled and nodded. Peter just smiled.

  "Thank God," his mother said. "Can you clean up your room now? It's starting to smell!"

  OVER THE REMAINING days of vacation, Erica and Peter spent every possible moment together. They decided to try and locate Erica's older brothers. As much as she was interested in seeing how they had turned out, she also wondered if they would remember her and what sort of reaction she would get if and when she decided to reveal herself.

  All sorts of scenarios played through Erica's mind, most of which she verbalized to Peter. Finally, Peter had suggested that she stop wasting so much energy on supposition and find out. They could talk forever about what may or may not be and what may or may not happen. Why not put all that mental and emotional effort into resolving some issues?

  Erica seemed overwhelmed and confused about how to start. Once again, Peter said something that made total sense.

  "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."

  Erica giggled at that but understood what he meant. So she devised step one: search Facebook for her brothers' names and see if anyone popped up about the right age.

  That would be the first "bite." Depending on the results, she could then consider a second "bite."

  Chapter Seven

  SHE WAS SURPRISED that she felt some butterflies in her stomach as she and Peter got online and loaded Facebook.

  When she was signed in and had pulled up the search box, she suddenly froze. She couldn't remember their names. Maybe she never knew them. She had decided to leave her mother out of the whole
searching for her roots thing, but she had no other way to get this information. She had to ask her mom.

  Her mom was working at the moment, on duty at the Emergency Room. She always turned off the ringer but left the cell on for text messages, which she checked frequently.

  She sent off a text that simply said, What are my brothers' names please?

  She hoped that wouldn't upset her mom too much. It apparently didn't because of the subtle humor in her response.

  Her mother answered, Jesse and Nathan Collins and John King, Jr.

  Erica sent back, LOL. Luv U. Thx.

  With their names, it was surprisingly easy. They found a Nathan Collins, age 30, living in Naples, Florida; and Jesse Collins, age 33, also in Naples.

  It was surprising to see that they lived in Florida, in the same town. The thought crossed her mind briefly that perhaps she might get to meet them when Peter and she went to Florida for the summer.

  One bite at a time, she heard Peter say in her mind.

  God, he was smart.

  She sent a friend request to both boys and said to Peter, "Now all we have to do is wait."

  Peter, in his usual philosophic way, said, "Buddha says, 'Have not expectations and suffer no disappointment.'"

  Erica hated Buddha sometimes.

  By the end of the vacation break, there had been no response from either of the boys. Erica was depressed and felt rejected again from her biological family.

  Her mom was helping her pack to go back to college. She sensed the dour mood Erica had been in the last day or two and asked her about it.

  "Screw Buddha. I am disappointed, Mom," and told her about Facebook and not hearing back from her brothers.

  Eileen had no idea what Buddha had to do with anything, but gently asked, "In what name did you send your friend request?"

  "In my name, of course," responded Erica.

  Her mother didn't become a PhD/MD by being stupid.

  She asked her daughter, "Do you think they know who Erica King is? They probably get friend requests from strangers all the time. I do and just ignore them. Try sending the request from Erica Collins and see what happens."

  That simple reality dawned in Erica's mind and she visibly improved her mood immediately.

  She hugged her mother and said, "Thanks, Mom. I'm sorry to bring this all up again for you."