‘I’m afraid your feelings weren’t my first priority, Luke,’ she said quietly. ‘I was only thinking of Joey. You see, I’ve been very worried about him ever since he started school last fall.’
‘What happened?’
‘I guess mixing with so many other kids brought the whole father issue to the surface.’ She swallowed nervously and fiddled with the handle of her coffee cup. ‘Until then I hadn’t talked to Joey about you.’
‘Never?’
‘No. I’m sorry. I know it sounds terrible. And now I look back I can see it was a mistake. A big mistake. But until then Joey didn’t ask questions about you and you didn’t seem to want to have anything to do with us, and the whole subject was rather painful for me, so—’ Erin paused and cleared her throat. ‘For a lot of reasons I found it easier just to pretend you didn’t exist.’
Luke swallowed to try to shift the painful rock wedged in his throat.
‘Soon after Joey started school, I realised that I’d created a bigger problem by never talking about you,’ she said. ‘Joey’s a bright, sensitive little boy and he’d picked up that in our house the Daddy topic was scary.’
She sent him a quick, anxious glance.
‘You were on the other side of the world, Luke. I didn’t know what to do.’
He knew she expected a response from him, but he couldn’t speak. The rock was still there in his throat. He was picturing her, alone in Manhattan, with Joey and without him, Joey’s father.
She looked so vulnerable as she sat there telling him this—vulnerable, yet gorgeous with her blue eyes shimmering with the hint of tears and her lovely silken clothes clinging to her in all the right places.
Why the hell had he been such a stubborn bastard? Why hadn’t he chased after her when she’d left? It didn’t make sense any more that he’d gone to so much trouble to shut down his emotions, to have nothing to do with her.
What had he achieved besides leaving his son totally confused? Erin was right, it was a bloody disaster.
Erin, realising he wasn’t going to comment, continued. ‘Joey compensated by inventing elaborate fantasies about you,’ she said. ‘I guess they reassured him, but they scared the hell out of me.’
‘What kind of fantasies?’
‘Oh, he’d tell people that you were a soldier fighting overseas, or that you lived at the North Pole with Santa Claus. He told my mother that you lived in a satellite in outer space. And my sister heard him telling her neighbours that you had a hotdog stand on a New York street corner and you gave away free treats to children.’
‘I was a pretty cool guy.’ Luke tried for humour and missed. ‘Hell, Erin, what did you do?’
‘At first I thought it would be easy to fix. I tried to set everything straight by digging out a photo of you. I found one of you on a stock horse at Warrapinya, looking like a cowboy out of a western movie, and Joey was thrilled. But—’ She sighed heavily. ‘Unfortunately the photo triggered the whole hero thing and Joey just got more and more obsessed with you.’
He could imagine how much it must have hurt Erin to tell him this. She’d poured so much love into raising her little son, and then the boy had turned around and started hero-worshipping a vague image of a cattleman on the other side of the world.
‘I had to ask myself how healthy it can be for a little boy to be infatuated with a photo,’ she said.
Luke stared at the toe of his boot. ‘There must be stacks of kids who don’t know their father.’
‘Well, yes, that’s what I told myself, but just the same I couldn’t stop worrying, so I decided to have a chat with Joey’s teacher. She said she’d been about to phone me because she was concerned too. Apparently, all Joey talked about at school was you. He drew countless pictures of you. You were the subject of just about every “show and tell” session. She said the other kids knew he was making it all up and they’d begun to tease him.’
Luke swore softly.
‘She suggested I speak to a child psychologist.’
‘I can’t believe this.’ Luke picked up his beer and set it down again.
‘The psychologist was very good,’ Erin said. ‘He helped me to understand that the way a boy views his father becomes a part of how he views himself. Joey’s self-esteem is tied up in his image of you. If he’s mixed up and confused, or if he becomes overly anxious about his father’s identity, his chances for long-term happiness are at stake.’
‘God, Erin.’
‘I was shocked to realise that I was letting Joey down,’ she said, her voice faltering now with her effort to hold her own tears at bay. ‘I made myself sick with worry.’ Her jaw tightened as if she was struggling for control. ‘I’d failed as a wife, but I was desperate to be a good mom. I’d always thought that being Joey’s mommy was the best thing I’ve done. But suddenly I was scared that I’d failed as a mother too.’
In the distance the intercom buzzer rang.
Erin glanced at Luke, expecting him to answer it, but he was sitting very still, staring at her, his eyes so bleak they were chips of grey slate.
After several seconds of silence, he reached across the table and covered her hand with his. ‘You haven’t failed at all. You’re a fabulous mother, Erin. Joey’s a great little guy, a real credit to you.’
His touch sent sparks tingling over her skin, sparks that kept going, all the way through her.
The buzzer sounded again.
‘Isn’t that our dinner?’ she asked, not sure whether she was relieved or dismayed by the interruption.
Luke frowned and then blinked. ‘Oh, yes, I guess it must be.’ He jumped to his feet. ‘Excuse me.’ He headed for the door, returning quickly with clear plastic containers.
Erin hurried to the kitchen and found blue and white Asian-style bowls, woven straw mats and cutlery. The interruption was timely, she realised as she set these things on the glass-topped table in the dining nook.
She and Luke had been getting too close when they talked about Joey. But she’d done what was required, she’d set Luke straight about his son. Now it was time to step back a little.
‘This food smells amazing,’ she said as Luke removed the lids from containers of jasmine rice, chicken curry and garlic and pepper chicken. ‘I’ve just realised I’m starving. I gave up a special dinner invitation to fly here tonight.’
‘A date?’
It was tempting to let him think so, but as they sat opposite each other, scooping rice and chicken into their bowls, she told him about the dinner invitation to Candia and Andrea’s.
‘You’re moving into the social stratosphere,’ he said.
‘Not really. It’s more like I’m indulging in a little shameless name-dropping.’
They were both hungry and eating became their focus. ‘This is delicious,’ she said.
‘Thanks for explaining about Joey,’ Luke said after a bit and then he released a heavy sigh and set down his fork. ‘I love him, Erin. I really do.’
She nodded, not quite sure what else to say.
‘There was a time after you left me when I completely lost it, and I actually thought about legally contesting my right to Joey.’
A piece of chicken seemed to stick in her throat. She swallowed with difficulty.
‘I went through a stage where I could totally relate to those crazy blokes who abduct their own kids.’
‘Oh, God, Luke, I’m so glad you didn’t do anything like that.’
She made the mistake of looking at him. His face was contorted as if he were battling deep and painful emotion. She couldn’t bear it. She wanted to cry.
‘But I knew I was only going to inflict more pain on you,’ he said. ‘That was how I justified making a total break from you both.’
Oh, Luke, if only you hadn’t…
After so many years of silence it was too much. To Erin’s dismay, her face crumpled suddenly. She pressed a hand over her mouth, willing herself to get a grip. Luke was breaking her heart but she couldn’t fall apart now.
If only you h
adn’t cut yourself off. If only you’d come after me…
She couldn’t look at him. She drew a shaky deep breath and then another. It was too late to tell Luke how naïve and immature she’d been five years ago—that when she’d left she’d hoped he’d come racing after her to tell her that his love for her and for Joey was greater than his feelings for Warrapinya.
Such silly, silly dreams…
She shouldn’t be remembering them now. She should only be thinking about Joey, about what was best for his future. Her feelings for his father weren’t the issue.
How selfish she was.
She wasn’t sure how long she sat staring at the bowl in front of her, thinking how easy it would be now, as she sat here talking to Luke, to make the same foolish mistakes all over again.
But she doubted that Luke was thinking such thoughts. He was helping himself to more food and he cast a cautious smile her way. ‘Joey told me you broke up with your boyfriend, some opera singer guy.’
Her sigh was accompanied by an embarrassed roll of her eyes. ‘Thank you, Joey.’ She lifted her chin. ‘Sebastian wasn’t a big deal. I wasn’t cut up about him.’
‘Joey told me that too.’
‘Oh? Did you interrogate Joey about my boyfriends?’
Luke’s expression was impassive. ‘He volunteered the information…but yes, I was interested.’
‘But my dates aren’t really any of your business,’ she felt compelled to insist. ‘I have no intention of asking you about the women in your life.’
He smiled enigmatically. ‘Aren’t you just a little curious?’
‘Not in the least.’
Liar. Erin hated how uptight and prim she sounded. She glanced very deliberately at her watch and yawned. ‘I hadn’t realised how late it is.’
‘You can do better than that, Erin.’
‘Than what?’
He chuckled. ‘That was a very theatrical yawn. Anyway, you can’t go to bed; you haven’t tried the seafood yet. Besides, my list of women friends isn’t so long that it should scare you away.’
‘That’s hardly the point.’ She was getting annoyed with him. Really annoyed.
With exaggerated concentration she spooned seafood and vegetables into her bowl. ‘Why on earth do you think I’d be interested in your sex life?’
He didn’t answer, but he watched the way her hand shook as she tried to spear a piece of broccoli and his knowing smile made her want to throw down the fork dramatically, leap from her chair and flounce out of the room.
The problem was, she knew that her anger was sparked by an urgent need to cover the wave of wild, totally irrational jealousy that swept through her when Luke mentioned his girlfriends.
She forced herself to stay there till she’d finished the food, but then she quickly pushed the bowl from her. ‘Thanks, that was delicious, but if you’ll excuse me I think I’ll go straight to bed.’
A teasing glint silvered Luke’s eyes. ‘What about a nightcap? I’m planning to sit on the balcony for a bit and watch the moon. Why don’t you join me?’
‘No, thank you.’
‘We could talk about—’
‘We’ve done enough talking. You sit out there and enjoy the moon and your drink, Luke. And while you’re there, you might like to think about how often you would like to see Joey in the future.’
Her shot found its mark. The sudden chill in Luke’s eyes was angry enough to ensure Erin spent another restless night.
* * *
Next morning Luke was withdrawn and preoccupied so they didn’t speak much. Erin told herself that she didn’t mind. Last night, when they’d talked about Joey, she’d felt as if she and Luke had been building a very fragile bridge. But then he’d spoiled it by reminding her that they both had other men and women in their lives.
Why that should spoil things she wasn’t sure. It wasn’t as if Luke and she wanted some kind of reconciliation.
They both knew that could never work. Today they were going their separate ways.
Breakfast was a very perfunctory affair. Luke had already been to a nearby bakery and bought bagels which they had with coffee while they both buried their heads in newspapers. After breakfast they headed straight for the hospital. Luke phoned ahead and was told that Joey had spent a good night and was much brighter and waiting to see them.
Erin was determined to be happy and breezy about Joey’s impending departure for Warrapinya. She would satisfy herself that he was on the mend and then she would smile as she waved the two of them goodbye. After that she would be on the first flight back to Sydney where she would get on with her holiday.
But her sang-froid took a dive when they reached Joey’s room and she saw that his bed was empty.
‘He might be using the bathroom,’ Luke suggested and he crossed to the door of the small en suite bathroom and knocked. ‘Are you in there, Joey?’
There was no answer. Luke opened the door, but the room was vacant.
‘Perhaps they’ve taken him for some final tests,’ Erin suggested nervously.
‘Ssh,’ Luke said. ‘Did you hear something?’
‘No.’
He bent quickly to look under the bed. ‘Joey!’ he cried. ‘What are you doing down there?’
Erin’s heart almost stopped with shock. She ducked too and saw Joey huddled on the floor beneath the bed, his face stained with tears. Scrambling on to her hands and knees, she reached out a hand to him. ‘Joey, honey, what’s the matter?’
The boy’s only answer was to burst into more tears.
Horrified, Erin crawled closer. ‘Hey, don’t cry, sweetheart. Come here.’
‘No,’ the boy sobbed, bunching tight to withdraw from her.
‘What’s the matter? Look, here’s Daddy. He’s come to take you back to Warrapinya.’
The snuffling cries stopped.
Erin shot a dismayed glance at Luke, who was on all fours, peering from the other side of the bed.
‘Is Dad really going to take me back?’
‘Of course he is, honey.’ Erin held out her hand. ‘Come on,’ she said. ‘It’s not very nice under here.’
‘You promise this isn’t a trick? I don’t want to go back to New York yet.’
Erin went suddenly cold with fear. ‘It’s not a trick, Joey. I promise.’ Her voice trembled as she tried to sound calm.
‘Come on, son,’ Luke said gruffly.
In response to Luke, Joey began to crawl forward.
Battling tears, Erin hit her head on the metal frame of the bed as she backed out. She struggled to her feet and Luke was suddenly there to help her. Their eyes met and she saw that he was upset too. He smiled shakily and lifted a hand to tidy her hair. And then Joey emerged from beneath the bed, looking a little shamefaced.
Erin hugged him and, to her relief, he hugged her back. ‘Why did you think you’d have to go straight back to New York?’
‘I heard you talking last night. You told Dad I couldn’t go back to his place.’
‘Oh.’ She pressed a hand to her guilty mouth as she remembered the conversation she’d had with Luke, right outside this room when they’d thought Joey was asleep. ‘Joey, I’m sorry. I was very upset about your accident when I said that. But I was wrong. I—I want you to go with Daddy. You’ve got to finish your vacation.’
Joey looked from one parent to the other, his eyes suddenly shining with hope and yet tinged with disbelief. ‘You mean it? I don’t have to go home yet?’
Erin’s throat was so choked she couldn’t respond. She’d known for some time that Joey’s longing to know Luke was a force to be reckoned with, but this morning she was seeing just how quickly the two had bonded. The strength of Joey’s feelings for his father and for Warrapinya scared her. What if Joey could never be happy again living alone with her on the other side of the world?
‘Are you going to come with Dad and me?’ the boy asked hopefully.
‘No, sweetheart. I’m going back to Sydney.’
‘Why can’t you co
me with us?’
Erin sighed. ‘I’ve explained this to you so many times, Joey. This holiday is just for the two of you to really get to know each other.’
Joey turned to Luke. ‘You’d let Mommy come out to Warrapinya with us, wouldn’t you?’
Luke’s glance was wary as it flicked to Erin. ‘Would you like to come?’
‘No, thank you.’ She was afraid her son was trying his hand at matchmaking.
‘You know you’re welcome to join us,’ Luke said.
She shook her head. ‘It’s not what we agreed to. I don’t want to poach on your time.’
‘Why don’t you just come for a couple of days then?’ he suggested, keeping his face carefully noncommittal. ‘If you see the place again, and see how Joey’s settled in, you can set your mind at rest. Then you can be relaxed when you go off to enjoy the rest of your holiday.’
‘I—I don’t know,’ said Erin faintly, but she was conscious that her will was weakening beneath pressure on two fronts. ‘I’ve left all my clothes in Sydney.’ It wasn’t a very strong argument. She and Luke both knew that very few of the clothes she’d brought would be suitable for the Outback.
Luke cleared his throat. ‘Don’t worry about clothes. There are plenty of your jeans and bush shirts still at Warrapinya.’
‘Really?’ She couldn’t believe it. ‘I thought you would have thrown those things out years ago.’
His shoulders rose in a careless shrug. ‘I never got around to it.’
Her heart thudded as she saw the muscles working in his throat. But his eyes were cool as he let his gaze travel over her and his lips curved into the ghost of a smile. ‘You haven’t lost your girlish figure. I’d say your old clothes will still fit you just fine.’
To her annoyance, she blushed. Cringing with embarrassment, she turned away from Luke to hide the heat in her cheeks.
Was this how her life would be for the next two days, with her floundering in a sea of confusion and coyness? Was a journey to Warrapinya wise?
If only their son wasn’t standing there now, watching them with his big blue eyes wide and his antennae on high alert.
‘Joey,’ she said, ‘you do understand that if I come to Warrapinya it will only be for a couple of days, don’t you?’
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