Broken

by Willow Rose

  "You don't have to be anything you don't want to, do you hear me? This is your life and you decide what you want to do with it. Okay?"

  William nodded eagerly while chewing. Then he went quiet and thoughtful again. "Then firefighter it is," he said.

  "Firefighter it is," I repeated, tousling his unruly curls with my hand.

  Heather got worse at night and threw up again. The next day she began coughing. A deep dry cough that wouldn't go away. She complained about a sore throat and said she had small blisters in her mouth which hurt when she drank or ate. She was still running a fever so I took care of William and drove him to school. Then I went off to the clinic and my office sanctuary. Julie the secretary had my usual coffee steaming hot on the desk for me. I drank it while leaning back in the chair and preparing for a new day and a new week.

  Sarah our housekeeper and nanny would take care of William after school as she usually did so I didn't have to miss any of my appointments on that account. Sitting at the desk and looking at my packed calendar made me wish I could have used Heather's illness as an excuse for once. The September sun was so bright outside and I had a huge urge to take my son to the beach and teach him how to surf. I didn't want to be wasting all of William's childhood years in this place. There was so much I wanted to do with him. So much I wanted to show him, so many places to go and see.

  But there was no excuse. Heather didn't do much anyway so her being sick didn't change much in my life. She always spent most of the day in bed hung over and popping pills.

  I closed my eyes for a second and dozed off hoping to once again meet Aiyana's light brown eyes in my dream, to retrieve the soothing sight of her face. Once again I hadn't slept during the night because of my restlessness that I thought was caused by stress, and as usual in the morning I was overcome with exhaustion and had to take a nap in the office. It had become a bad habit, but I couldn't survive without it. Half an hour to an hour was enough, once or twice during the day. Powernap I had heard some people call it.

  But this particular morning I couldn't fall asleep. I was suddenly uncomfortable sitting in my chair. Thoughts were racing through my mind mixed with loud voices and loads of images. I was used to having voices whispering in my mind ever since the accident in the swamps ten years ago but this morning they were unusually loud. I tried to ignore them and keep them quiet by emptying my head of any distractions or concerns, but I couldn't keep them away. The feeling of urgency was overwhelming and intense. It was a feeling I hadn't felt in ten years. Not since I saw Aiyana in the swamps lying lifeless in the mud.

  Since it didn't help to ignore them I little by little gave up and decided to try and decipher them instead. I tried to separate the pictures and voices to determine if anything made sense. I concentrated on a few of the pictures and on stopping them from flickering. I managed to slow them down somehow so I could study them closer. The first one I saw was Heather at home sick in bed. She was sweating and moaning in her sleep. Then there was a bright light and I saw William's beautiful eyes looking at me. I wanted to freeze that picture and make it stay there for longer but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't hold on to it. It slipped and a new picture emerged. It was my dad. Alone in the big house in Denmark quietly reading the paper. I was overwhelmed yet again as I felt his loneliness before I was led somewhere else. I smiled. In a flash I saw Aiyana. How happy I was to finally see her again. How relaxed it made me feel. She was looking straight at me. Her lips were moving. She was talking. But what was she saying? It sounded like my name again. Was she calling for me? Then the weirdest thing happened. I got an extreme headache. It was so bad I had to bend over and lean on the edge of my desk. It was like my head was about to explode from the inside. As if my brain was growing and there was no more room to contain it. I groaned and held both my hands to my head pleading it to stop. All the images disappeared and there was nothing but darkness in my head. I didn't want the image of Aiyana to go away. I wanted them to stay at least for a little while, but I couldn't get it back. Then I heard her voice. As clear as if she were standing next to me and talking to me. It was loud and drowned everything else in my head, all the other voices and whispers that were flickering in my head.

  "Help me Christian," she said. "Please help me."

  Chapter 5

  Heather was still in bed when I got back from work. Nine patients and a lot of paperwork had kept me at the office until almost eight thirty in the evening. William was already in bed but not yet sleeping, our housekeeper Sarah mentioned just before she left. I went to his room to kiss him goodnight. The sound of Aiyana's voice pleading me to help her was still ringing in my head as it had been all day. Was it real? Did she need my help or was it just a dreaming wish from my part? I sighed and sat at the edge of William's bed. He looked like he had dozed off but now he opened his eyes and smiled.

  "Far!" he said. That was the Danish word for dad. The only Danish word I had managed to teach him, the only word Heather would allow for him to learn. "You'll only confuse him, he doesn't need that," she said when I told her I wanted to teach him some Danish. "No one speaks that language besides five million Danes. He doesn't need to learn it."

  I hated conflicts and always tried my utmost to avoid it so as it usually happened I had given in to Heather except for the one word. I loved when he called me "Far." I smiled and hugged him tight.

  "Go back to sleep, buddy. I just wanted to say goodnight. I'll see you in the morning."

  He smiled again and put his head back on the pillow with his eyes closed. "I love it when your eyes glow, Far," he said just before the sleep overpowered him and pulled him into dreamland.

  Startled I got up from the bed and rushed downstairs to the guest bathroom. I closed the door behind me and without turning the lights on, stared at my reflection in the mirror. I couldn't believe my eyes. Literally. They were glowing. They almost lit up the entire room with a bluish glow. The muscle-pain and the fever had returned. I was sweating like crazy.

  The sight of my glowing eyes in the mirror scared me enormously. I was a doctor. Eyes were my specialty. I had never heard of any disease that would cause a person’s eyes to glow and their vision to improve in the darkness. I could see all details of the room and of my own face in the mirror. Again it felt like my muscles were growing under my sleeves and the shirt became tighter. This time was even worse than the first time. I had to take the shirt off. Sweat was running from my head dripping in the sink. What was this? It was as if my eyesight was better in the dark than in daylight. From where I was standing I could read what it said on the soap dispenser, even the smallest letters. I was stunned, startled.

  Never in my days as an eye-surgeon had I heard of such a thing. And what was going on with my body? Muscles were growing and I was sweating like a disgusting pig?

  I went to my library and retrieved several medical books from the shelves. Without turning on a single light I started reading, studying them closely, hoping to find something that would help me. But there was nothing. Not a single case that resembled mine in any way.

  Later the restlessness also returned. The sensation was slowly growing stronger every night. I wanted to walk, to walk fast and not just inside the house. I wanted to walk outside in a park or a forest. I pictured the swamps and felt an incredible urge to go there, to run through it. Every muscle in my body wanted to move, to be used. And the energy? Oh boy, the energy I felt. I found it harder and harder to contain it, to keep it locked up inside of me. It wanted out or I was certain it was going to explode inside of me. I groaned and paced in circles like a lion in a cage while pulling my hair. I decided to go outside. I ran to the back porch and opened both French doors to the Intracoastal waters where we had the pool and boat at the dock. Just like Heather's parents used to have. This was what we had become, I thought. Just like them. Marrying because it was the smart and sensible thing to do. Not out of passionate love. It wasn't that I didn't love Heather. I really truly did. I just wasn't in love with her. And the li
fe we had? Well I guess it just didn't mean that much to me anymore. The money, the prestige, the cars, the house. Only one thing mattered. William. And it tore me apart knowing that she hardly cared about him. He was nothing to her but a trophy. Something to show off to guests. A toy that she only used when it suited her. Just like me.

  Over the years it became clear to me that Heather and I wanted completely different things out of life. She wanted all this. She wanted this life. I wanted a busload of children, I wanted chaos and mess. I was sick with picture perfect.

  A warm breeze swept over me. I breathed it in. How I loved that hot and humid air. Even now when I was sweating like a beast and my skin was burning I loved the feeling of the thick air embracing me. I heard voices in the distance, cars moving, people fighting, dogs barking. I ran through the yard and onto the dock where I stopped and inhaled the fresh air coming from the waters smelling slightly of seaweed. I felt so incredibly strong like I had taken something; cocaine, speed or an amphetamine. I could begin running and keep going all night without getting the slightest bit tired or worn out. The night was mine to roam.

  I had an idea. At first I wanted to take the car there but then I decided to run instead. I needed to get some of this steaming energy out before it exploded inside me. I put on a t-shirt and started running down the road. Jogging at first but soon sprinting as fast as I could down towards Heather's parents house, loving the feel of the wind, loving the way I almost leaped forward on legs filled with newfound strength.

  They had moved to another house after Dr. Kirk's stroke. He wasn't good with stairs anymore so they gave up the mansion for a smaller house with only one floor. I rang the doorbell and Mrs. Kirk opened the front door.

  "Chris? What a pleasant surprise," she said a little startled, glancing at the watch on her slim wrist. "It’s almost ten in the evening. Is everything all right? Is Heather okay? And William?"

  It annoyed me that she thought of her grandson as the second option, but I let it go. "Everybody is fine. Heather has a little flu, but she will be fine. I am actually here to see the doctor."

  "Well yes of course," she said, staring closely at my face. "You look different. Are you sure you're all right? I mean you look better than ever, and your eyes, what is it with your eyes?"

  "That's what I hope your husband can help me figure out. Is he in the living room?"

  "We were just preparing for bed, but he is probably just reading in there, so go ahead and go in," she said, closing the door behind me.

  "Chris!" the old doctor said, surprised as I walked into their bedroom. Since the stroke his face had never recovered its full mobility and he still had trouble finding the right words and pronouncing them correct. His mood and way of treating people had however changed for the better. It was as if he had received a better appreciation of people and life. Just as I had after my near-death experience. It made him far more likable in my book and our relationship had improved significantly. There was a special bond between us now. We understood each other in a more profound way. I knew I could come to him with this problem I had. Being one of the best eye-surgeons in the country and in the world he would know what this might be, if anyone did.

  "I can't say I’ve ever seen anything like this," Dr. Kirk stuttered, forcing the words across his lips even though it was hard for him. He had been staring at my eyes, examining them through a slit lamp microscope for at least fifteen minutes now. I sat in front of him with the instrument placed in front of me, my chin and forehead resting on a support to keep my head steady. It was strangely uncomfortable to be on the other side of the instrument. He had examined my glowing eyes, first the eyelids, then cornea, conjunctiva, sclera and iris. We had added fluorescein to help examine the cornea and tear layer and we had even dilated the pupils to examine the back of the eye. Yet all the doctor could do was to shake his head in disbelief.

  "It is almost like you have managed to develop some sort of a small membrane in the eye, like a Tapetum Lucidum," he continued. "Ever heard of that?"

  "No," I said a little embarrassed because I felt as an eye-surgeon myself I should probably have heard about it.

  "It is a Latin phrase meaning ‘bright tapestry,’ he explained. “This membrane is composed of fifteen layers of cells directly behind the retina, or inner surface of the eye. The Tapeta Lucida are surfaces known as retro-reflectors. They reflect light back in the direction of the original source with as little scatter as possible. This means that in reduced light, the vision doesn't lose clarity or contrast. The Tapetum Lucidum also intensifies the light that passes through the retina, allowing you to see wavelengths of light not normally visible to humans."

  "To humans? But what does that mean?" I asked astonished.

  He sighed and removed his head from the instrument. Then he looked at me with a slight confusion in his eyes. "It's normally only seen in cats."

  "Cats? But ... I don't ..."

  "How is your vision in the dark?" he asked.

  "It's great. Almost better than at day, but ... " I faltered.

  He nodded. "Well. Frankly I don't quite know what to tell you other than you have somehow improved your eyes and your vision to make it resemble that of a cat's. It's quite breathtaking, really. Something scientists have been researching for years. A way to improve people's ability to see in the dark. If I were you I'd keep quiet about it though."

  "Why?"

  "That kind of sight is worth a lot of money. Could you imagine how superior our soldiers would be if they had the ability to see in the dark? Try and imagine what they would be capable of and you'll realize how much money that is worth. Not to mention an industry of people willing to pay to get sight like that. Like they pay to have other parts of the body improved or enhanced. Everybody would want to figure out how you managed to do this."

  I felt my heart drop. I hadn't thought about the possible consequences. "The thing is I don't even know it myself," I said. "It kind of just happened to me."

  The doctor nodded slowly. "Very well. If I had discovered a thing like this I would keep it to myself too," he said. "And you should. This is not something the world needs. In the wrong hands it would be misused."

  I stared at my own reflection as Dr. Kirk accompanied me out to the hallway while leaning on my shoulder for support. His walking had improved since the stroke but it was still hard for him especially at night. The blue light in my eyes shone back at me causing even more questions to rise in my mind. I was speechless.

  "I don't know how you have managed to do this or what you've been up to, but as I said earlier I would keep this to myself," the doctor said. "You certainly don't want to end up as a lab rat." The doctor reached out and grabbed a cane next to the hallway mirror. Then he let go of my shoulder and looked at me. "But I have to hand it to you. It is quite spectacular," he said with a smile. "What's it like?"

  I looked at him. "What's what like?"

  "To have vision like a cat. To be able to see in darkness. Oh boy. What I wouldn't give to try it just once."

  I smiled. As a fellow eye-surgeon I knew exactly how he felt. We had both devoted our lives to the human eye. We were fascinated by it and passionate about it. We knew in detail how the human eye worked and especially its weaknesses - one being the poor night vision. We could remove diseases and make bad sight clearer but never before had anyone managed to improve the human eye to be able to do what I was doing right now. If nothing else then this was a discovery of the century. Except that I could never tell anyone.

  Chapter 6

  I ran like the wind back to our house feeling absolutely ecstatic. When I arrived at our quiet street I stopped in front of our big white house. A mansion really. It was truly grandiose. Splendid with its huge windows and white columns. Heather's dream house. She was the one who had picked it out of course. Told me this was the one. And I had let her do it. I didn't care much anyway. "You choose what you want. Nothing but the best for you, my dear," I had said. But that was really just an excuse, an easy way f
or me to avoid house-shopping Sunday after Sunday for six months of my life. They all looked alike to me anyway.

  As I stood outside and remembered all this I realized I didn't want to go inside yet. I saw the lights were on in our bedroom which meant Heather probably was awake. I didn't want to face her now. I wanted to continue feeling this thrill inside of me. So I decided to keep running and soon I put the entire town of St. Augustine behind me as I ran like there was no stopping, as if I couldn't possibly ever wear myself out.

  I still had no idea what was happening to me or my body, but Dr. Kirk’s discovery was mind boggling. Night vision like a cat’s. No human in history had ever had a built-in night vision. This opened up a whole new world of possibilities. It somehow made me supernatural and gave me a strange sense of freedom. I wanted to explore this new thing and determine just how much I could see and how far. I kept running along I95 which led me away from the city and its many lights and as I did my eyes became more and more shiny and lit up the road before me while I ran. I was stunned to realize that I wasn’t even winded. I had never been very athletic. I loved surfing but that was about it. I never ran before. Never. Heck I used to hate running. I was out of breath and my knees hurt after the first couple of miles. It just wasn't me. But now. Now I was unstoppable. The strength in my muscles felt incredible. My entire body felt so amazing. So steady so forceful. It was absurd, really. I ran on the side of the road while a few cars passed me until it all became quiet in the early hours. I had no idea where I was going or when I was going to stop, when I found myself in familiar surroundings at the entrance to Twelve Mile Swamps. I had no idea how I got there and what led me there but the urge to go in was overwhelming. My eyes lit up in the darkness and helped me see everything in the forest surrounding the swamps. I slowed down to a walk as a new world opened up to me. The world of the night. All my senses had been enhanced somehow, including my vision. I smelled every animal nearby; I heard every crackling sound and movement. Out here in the darkness I was the master, I was suddenly in charge. Animals fled from me, deer, rabbits, birds, frogs, anything. They ran as they sensed my approach. I chased deer and even crawled to the top of a tree and jumped from the highest branch to the ground landing on all fours. It felt great; I was powerful beyond anything I had ever experienced.