While They Watch

by Sosie Frost

This wasn’t fair.

  I was two days from a shower, holding a fussing baby. My hair had burst from the weak ponytail holder, and my shirt stained with a variety of fluids—most not mine.

  At least Clue wasn’t the only one drooling at the moment.

  “Hello.” It was all he said.

  All he needed to say.

  If he was the type of first responder to save me after an accident, I’d jump in front of anything. Ambulances. Fire trucks. Sports cars. I’d even leap into the road before other types of food trucks to chance encounter a sexy foreign guy. Tacos for the Latino. Pizza for an Italian.

  “Hi…” I swallowed. Nearly took my tongue with it.

  The moment went on for too long. Embarrassingly long.

  At least I’d learned something about myself. I wasn’t a blabbering idiot. Just a silent one.

  “How can I do you?” I fumbled over the words. Damn it. “I mean. What can I do for you?”

  He hesitated, just staring at me. Did I seem that exhausted? Overwhelmed? Astounded by how gorgeous he was?

  “Is this a bad time?” he asked.

  “Is there ever a good time with a newborn?” I allowed him inside. “Might as well talk now. I’m…”

  Under his gaze, I forgot the name the nurses gave me. Was it irony, brain damage, or sleep deprivation that humiliated me?

  I forced a smile. “Maybe that’s why you’re here. Hopefully you know who I am…I could use another hint.”

  The officer chuckled. His words went soft as he stared at the bundle in my arms. “Is that…her?”

  I gave Clue a bounce before she started to fuss. “Nope. This is a loaner baby. They let me have my pick before I left the hospital. She was the cutest.”

  “You picked good.”

  I held my breath as he approached, leaning over to get a better look at her. “Well, I thought about taking two…but that felt greedy.”

  “Yeah.” He agreed. “Then this might not be a social call.”

  “Ah. So I’m not in trouble?”

  “You were just discharged from the hospital. What sort of trouble could you have found?”

  “Well, trouble landed me in the hospital, so you tell me, Officer…”

  He stared at me, almost forcing me to hold his gaze.

  That wasn’t a problem. It was a good gaze.

  “Do you remember me?” His voice warmed. “At all?”

  Uh-oh. I’d expected an interrogation. Instead I got a pop quiz.

  “Believe me…” I was too tired to lie. “I’d remember someone who looked like you.”

  Ah, embarassment. Now that was a familiar feeling. It heaped on me in the hospital with all the poking, prodding, and after-birthing I did.

  I attempted a recovery. He permitted it with a grace I envied.

  “I mean, I’d remember a police officer,” I said. “I know my doctors and nurses, but you…”

  I searched his face, concentrating on anything that might have connected me to the past.

  And I found it.

  Something.

  A flutter. A skipped heartbeat. A rush of heat and awkwardness and…panic?

  I had met him before. The memory wasn’t vivid, but it was real. The first honest-to-God flash from before I woke in the hospital.

  I seized that flicker and wrapped every bit of willpower around it, fighting to keep it in the forefront of my mind like a dream fading after the alarm rang.

  “You…” The excitement built in me. “Yes! I remember you!”

  The news wasn’t as thrilling to him. “You do?”

  “Yes! You were the officer who helped me after the accident. You were there!”

  He nodded, though he was slow to answer. “I responded, yes.”

  Oh. And now I understood his hesitation. “My water broke on your shoes.”

  He chuckled and examined his feet. “Don’t worry. I got a new pair.”

  “Sorry about that.”

  “Miracle of childbirth, right?”

  “I wouldn’t know. I don’t remember that part.”

  “Probably for the best. From my angle, it didn’t seem very pleasant.”

  “Pixies and rainbows,” I said. “The nurses told me I birthed pure sunshine.”

  On cue, Clue gave her interpretation of rising and shining. She crowed like a pissed off rooster, and I had no doubt she’d be waking up everyone in the building at all hours of the night.

  “I’m sorry, Officer…” I shook my head. “I can’t remember your name.”

  “Do you remember yours?”

  “Got a warrant?”

  He smirked. “You’re not going to make this easy on me, are you?”

  “Where’s the fun in that? I have no memory—I need to get my kicks somewhere.”

  “You can’t remember anything?”

  I shrugged. It soothed the baby, and I gave her a bit of a shimmy to quiet her down. “Is this the first time someone hasn’t remembered you, Officer?”

  “Might be. I should make sure that pigs aren’t flying.”

  “Flap your wings?”

  He laughed. “Ouch.”

  “Sorry. I…must get a little sassy when I’m nervous.”

  “And I get a little arresty when I’m irritated.” He winked. “Hopefully it won’t come to that.”

  “Never say never.”

  “There’s no need to be nervous.” He extended a hand. I couldn’t shake it without jostling the crying baby. “I’m Detective Shepard Novak.”

  He waited as if that would be enough to trigger my memory.

  It probably should have been. He was a hero—an officer helping a pregnant woman who went into labor. Apparently, I couldn’t stop insulting him.

  “Detective Novak,” I said. “I won’t forget that now. Promise.”

  “I hope you’re right.”

  It wasn’t right to stare at those stunning blue eyes, and I’d have done anything to rid myself of that fuzzy tingle that teased over my spine. The baby gave a little whimper, and I distracted myself with her blanket. He cleared his throat.

  “I’ve been assigned to your case, Evie. I’m here to ask a couple questions. I want to see if there’s any information you can offer that will help my investigation.”

  I swallowed hard, nearly choking on hope. “Have you found my family yet?”

  The pause lasted just long enough to answer for him. “No one has called the department yet. But it’s only been a few days.”

  “Five.” I corrected him. “It’s been five days.”

  “That’s a short time.”

  “I was pregnant. Someone has to be looking for me.”

  “I’ll do everything I can to reunite you with your loved ones.” He focused on the baby. “I know no man would want to be away from his woman and child.”

  “Well, he better get his butt in gear.” I grimaced as Clue fussed harder, her displeasure edging from a whimper into full-throated cry. “I don’t remember anyone or anything, so it’s kinda up to him.”

  “You remember nothing?”

  “Sorry. That should answer all your questions.”

  “Not in the least.”

  The baby was nearing breakdown, and every cry rattled in my head. “I’m sorry. I should take care of her. I need to change and feed her, and—”

  “I’ll wait.”

  “What?”

  Shepard nodded to the baby. “Take care of her. I’ll wait.”

  Easier said than done. I was still referencing packets, books, notes, and YouTube videos to figure out how to tend to her most basic needs.

  “Can we do this some other time?” I asked. “I’m not sure I can help you today…or at all.”

  “But I might be able to help you. Take your time with her. I need to make a call to the station anyway.”

  Was he tenacious or an asshole? It didn’t matter—I couldn’t concentrate on questions while the baby cried. I left him in the living room and gathered my supplies, most of them still parked on the boxes and furni
ture crammed in the corner.

  Including my changing table.

  It was fine. I had the diaper and blanket, wipes and ointments, towels and water. I even grabbed a spare roll of scotch tape, just in case. I made a little area on my bedroom floor and gingerly set Clue down.

  She liked this part less than me.

  First came the unswaddling. She treated it as if I were removing her skin instead of the blanket.

  Then the unbuttoning of her onesie. Surely a torture worse than dunking stools and thumb tacks.

  Finally came the dirty diaper. For whatever reason, Clue decided she was irreparably attached to the diaper. She screamed as I removed it, even though I was pretty sure I got the worst end of the deal.

  “Is she okay?” Shepard called from the living room.

  She was five days old and already getting me in trouble. I shouted back. “Changing a diaper must be in violation of the Geneva Convention. Just petition the UN on my behalf while I grab a wipe.”

  Fortunately, the baby was no longer passing the contents of the Lorena tar pits through her diaper. That stage of her infancy was now over, thank God. I never thought I’d be so pleased to find the new present awaiting me—one that resembled spilled Dijon mustard.

  Unfortunately, that meant I’d never again eat the condiment. Motherhood changed us all, and that included deli orders.

  Clue wasn’t as impressed about her digestive developments. Despite the books and internet insisting that her newfound poo meant that I was doing a bang-up job, the diaper change was a betrayal of trust that drew the battle lines right through the Pampers.

  I became the enemy. The unknown. Everything wrong with a world that was just as cold, unfamiliar, and distressing to the baby as it was to me.

  I mean, the wipes were cold, but Clue waxed melodramatic about getting a clean butt.

  I double checked my work—following the instructions from the nurses and the printed directions on the diaper package. Within minutes, Clue was clean, dry, and even more agitated.

  But something looked wrong. I lifted her up and compared the diaper to the picture on the package.

  Backwards. Fantastic. Still, it covered the more volatile areas. What was the worst that could happen? She was hungry and it was past dinnertime. No time to redo it. I battled her kicking legs, tossed the onesie back on, and wrapped the blanket around her in a picture-perfect swaddle.

  Too little, too late, but at least now I was the only one who needed to undress.

  “Five-minute diaper change!” I grinned at the baby. “Not quick enough yet, but you’re giving me plenty of practice.”

  Clue didn’t share my optimism.

  I booped her nose. “Okay. Let’s get you fed so you can fill the diaper again.”

  I triple checked that I was carrying her safely and cleared my path of any obstacles. Clothes. Boxes. I even cautiously picked my way through the doorway in case the air-conditioning caused a pressure differential and the door swung shut. Insane? Yes, but at least I was prepared.

  Unfortunately, this particular dinner theater was not a three-person show. I prepared my apology to Shepard, but I stopped in place as he extended a hand toward the coffee table to present my newly assembled baby glider.

  “Did you…” I asked.

  He didn’t let me finish. “Looked like you needed help.”

  “That wasn’t necessary. I could have done it.”

  He smiled. Warm. “I don’t mind. Is everything okay with the baby?”

  “So far.”

  He nodded, studying the boxes stacked in the corner of the room. His eyes narrowed on the crib.

  “Let me build that for you.”

  I sighed. “I’m sure you didn’t come here to build my baby furniture.”

  “And I’m sure you’d like to put her in the crib tonight,” he said. “Take a seat.”

  “Really, I can manage on my own. This isn’t exactly in your job description.”

  “All part of the protect and serve package.”

  Yeah, I did not need to be thinking about his package—not while Shepard heaved the giant, hundred-pound box into the center of the living room, muscles flexing. His slacks tugged as he knelt, and I imagined enough of Detective Novak that it felt wrong to look without a search warrant.

  And I lived the consequences of admiring a handsome man. A bundle of cuteness in my arms spoke to my experience. Too bad I didn’t remember any of it.

  “I should feed her.”

  He waved a plastic baggie filled with nuts, bolts, and screws. “Go ahead. I’m not in any hurry.”

  “Should you be out saving lives or stopping the evil doers? What if there’s a car parked at an expired meter?”

  “I was off the clock at 4:00.” He spread the contents of the crib over the living room floor. “I told the station I was finishing here today.”

  “Don’t you want to get home?”

  He raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you want to feed your baby?”

  “It’s an involved process.”

  “Evie…is it okay if I call you Evie?”

  “Got a lead on any other name?”

  “Evie, I’m sorry. I have no information to give you. No one has called. There’s no easy way to track where you came from before the accident. We’re waiting now for something to break. So, I thought I’d help you out here. Make sure you were okay.”

  “Are you feeling that guilty?”

  “More than you realize,” he said. “It’s not every day I escort a speeding ice cream truck carrying a woman in labor to the hospital. You’re definitely my most interesting case.”

  Interesting didn’t mean solvable. “Are you sure you haven’t heard from anyone? Someone out there has to know who I am.”

  Shepard pulled the plastic from the wooden slats and exhaled. He didn’t look at me. “No. Sorry.”

  Fantastic.

  I couldn’t let myself get upset. God only knew if it would sour the milk, and I certainly didn’t like the thought of curds anywhere near my lovelies.

  Besides, I couldn’t do much to find my family now. My best course of action was to take life one breast-feed at a time. That would keep me on track, and I could stay focused on what was important.

  The baby.

  And me.

  The only way I’d managed to feed her was on the couch surrounded with a geometrically optimal arrangement of pillows, blankets, baby, and boob. I wiggled into the corner and angled myself between the back and arm.

  “Um…” I cleared my throat. “Could you…turn? Please?”

  Shepard glanced up from the instructions, eyebrows raised. “Oh. Not a problem.”

  “I don’t know if I’m doing it right yet, and a cover just makes the whole operation a mystery.” I laughed. “So, I’m sorry, I have to let it all out there. Hell, I’m not even sure the kid wants a front row seat to this circus.”

  “Well, she is sitting in the splash zone.”

  “If only. You have no idea how much more confident I’d feel if that were the case.”

  “I’m sure you’re doing fine.”

  “As long as I find my way to the barn once we’re done…” I soothed Clue with a soft hush. “Though you can imagine my disappointment when I realized I didn’t produce chocolate milk.”

  “It’s still early in the process.” He grinned. “Maybe that’s an advanced technique.”

  “Something to strive for. Olympic expressing. Gold medal ducts.”

  He adjusted the various pieces of crib, packaging, and components before him. Like a gentleman, he kept his back to me.

  “So…what’s her name?” he asked.

  A valid question, especially when I was about to stuff a boob in her mouth. She seemed eager, but I had no idea if I was doing well or not. I only hoped my let down would come in milk form and not perpetual disappointment.

  “I gave the nurses a name—but I don’t know if it’s right,” I said. “This is hard. What if I gave her the wrong name? Like, what if I called h
er Sarah, but the real me—the one with memories and instincts—wanted to call her Sasha? I don’t know. I don’t want to be mad at myself once I’m healed.”

  “You could always change it.”

  “Believe me, the kid’s gonna get screwed up enough. The last thing I want to do is call her one name for a couple days and then confuse her with a completely new identity.” I watched as her breathing shifted into tiny little gulps. That must have meant I did something right. “For now, I’m calling her Clue.”

  “Clue, huh?”

  “I figured you’d like that, Detective. She’s my only clue about who I am and where I come from.”

  “I like it.”

  “I don’t.”

  He frowned. “Why not?”

  “I’d rather her have a real name. A real home. A real family.” I shrugged. “A mother who knows who she is and where they’re from.”

  “Don’t tell me you’re getting disheartened already?”

  “I never back down from a challenge.”

  “How can you be sure?” He grinned. “You don’t know who you are.”

  Smart-ass. I hummed. “Well, I’m one-for-one on impossible challenges now. Setting a good precedent.”

  “True. Still, it would help me if you could remember anything at all.”

  The crib started to take shape. He bolted three of the four legs together and rested the crib against the wall.

  I shook my head. “Nothing. I should remember building her a crib. Painting the nursery walls. Buying clothes. But it’s all a fog.”

  “Well, at least you’re settled here. This is a great apartment.”

  “I don’t feel right taking it.”

  “Why not?”

  I studied the living room—the tall ceilings and hardwood, fireplace and huge windows overlooking the city. The kitchen was made of granite, the bathrooms the same, and my bed a fluff of king-sized softness.

  “I don’t know much about myself, but I have a feeling this place is better than where I came from.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  Aside from my panicked gut-churning reaction around even the most helpful of police officers? “Let’s just say, I thought the bidet was a water feature in the bathroom.”

  “Dancing fountain?”

  “Oh, I was the only one dancing.” I stroked Clue as she settled against me, her eyes getting heavy. “I don’t think I came from a place as ritzy as this.”