Face Down

by Garry Bushell

  A drink – a bribe, ranging from a drink to a nice drink to a handsome drink.

  Dripper – see brass.

  Drumming – house-breaking.

  An earner – easy money.

  Elephants – drunk (rhyming slang, elephants trunk; see also Brahms & Liszt – pissed; all archaic)

  Eyetie – Italian

  Feds – the police

  Fence – a receiver of stolen goods

  The Filth – the police (see also Old Bill, cossers, rozzers, Plod, bogeys)

  Firm – a gang

  To fit-up – to give or plant false evidence.

  Flowery – cell (rhyming slang, Flowery dell)

  Four-be – a Jew (rhyming slang, 4 be 2)

  In the frame – to be the prime suspect.

  Frankie – cut-throat razor (rhyming slang, Frankie Fraser)

  A friend of ours – one of us. A friend of mine, means he seems OK but hasn’t been fully referenced.

  Gaff – a house, see also drum and gaff of a gaff (a mansion)

  The Game – prostitution, as in on the game

  Gary – toilet or anus (rhyming slang, Gary Glitter = shitter)

  George Young – tongue (rhyming slang)

  Gianluca – cocaine (Gianluca Vialli = Charlie)

  To give a pull – to impart words of advice.

  Goldfish, to slip her the goldfish – sex (see poger)

  Gold watch – Scotch (rhyming slang)

  Graft – work, or piece of villainy

  A grass – an informer.

  Gregory – neck (rhyming slang, Gregory Peck)

  Grumble – vagina (rhyming slang, grumble & grunt)

  Gypsy’s – a piss (rhyming slang, Gypsy’s kiss; see also slash, lash and Jimmy, from Jimmy Riddle - piddle)

  Half-chat – mixed race

  Hampton – penis (rhyming slang, Hampton wick = prick)

  Hand Grenades – AIDS (rhyming slang)

  Hank Marvin – starving (rhyming slang).

  Harry – semen (rhyming slang, Harry Monk = spunk)

  A Henry – an eighth of an ounce of cannabis, from Henry VIII

  An ice cream – a man/geezer (rhyming slang, ice cream freezer).

  Iron – gay man (rhyming slang, iron hoof).

  On your Jack – alone (rhyming slang, Jack Jones; also on your Tod, from Tod Sloan).

  Jack and Danny – vagina (rhyming slang, fanny)

  Jack The Ripper – stripper (rhyming slang)

  Jacks - £5 (rhyming slang, Jack’s Alive)

  Jacksie – arse.

  Jamjar – car (rhyming slang)

  A Janet – a quarter of an ounce of cannabis (rhyming slang, Janet Street-Porter = quarter)

  Jiggle – someone French (rhyming slang, jiggle and jog = frog)

  Jivvle – a woman (dismissive term)

  Joe – a Pakistani (rhyming slang, Joe Daki)

  Johnny Vaughan – porn (rhyming slang)

  K - £1,000.

  K – Ketamine (also Special K)

  Khazi – toilet (see Gary).

  Khyber – arse (rhyming slang, Khyber Pass)

  A Kim Jong-un – a wrong’un

  Kosher – the real thing.

  A long firm – a business set up and allowed to run over a fairly lengthy period with the sole intention of defrauding creditors.

  On the Lash – a drinking session

  Mangled – drunk

  Manor – neighbourhood

  To mark yer cards – to give advice.

  Minces – eyes (rhyming slang, mince pies)

  A monkey – £500.

  Moody – fake.

  A mug – a stupid person (also Muppet).

  To mulla – to beat up.

  Mutton – deaf (rhyming slang, Mutt and Jeff)

  Ned – TV (rhyming slang, Ned Kelly = telly)

  Nigerian Lager – Guinness.

  A nonce – child sex offender.

  North and south – (rhyming slang, mouth)

  Nugget – a £1 coin

  Oedipus – sex (rhyming slang, Oedipus Rex; archaic)

  Oily – cigarette (rhyming slang, oily rag = fag)

  OP – observation post

  Orchestras – testicles (rhyming slang, orchestra stalls = balls)

  A parcel – a consignment of stolen goods.

  Patsies – piles (rhyming slang, Patsy Palmers = Farmers, Farmer Giles = piles)

  Pet the poodle – female masturbation (also beat the beaver, hit the slit, juice the sluice, bash the gash, slam the clam)

  A Peter – a safe.

  Pete Tong – wrong (rhyming slang)

  Pigs – beer (rhyming slang, pig’s ear = beer, usually on George Raft – draft)

  Plates – feet (rhyming slang, plates of meat)

  Poger – to make love to, aggressively, as in ‘I pogered the granny out of her’

  A pony - £25 (also macaroni).

  Pony – rubbish (rhyming slang, pony and trap = crap)

  Pop – to pawn (rhyming slang, popcorn = porn)

  Porkies – lies (rhyming slang, porky pie).

  Puff – cannabis (also dope, Bob Hope, grass, blow, wacky baccy, ganja, weed, Beryl Reid, pot, the magic dragon).

  Pukka – authentic (see Ream).

  Queen Mum – the anus (rhyming slang, Queen Mum = bum; see Aris)

  Rabbit – talk (rhyming slang, rabbit and pork)

  Raspberry – disabled person (rhyming slang, raspberry ripple – cripple)

  Ream – the real thing, or of good quality (see Pukka)

  On the Rock ’n’ Roll – unemployed (rhyming slang, dole)

  Rosy – tea (rhyming slang, Rosy Lee)

  Rubber – pub (rhyming slang, rub-a-dub)

  Ruby – curry (rhyming slang, Ruby Murray).

  Salmon – erection (rhyming slang, salmon and prawn - horn; also lob-on)

  Saucepan – child (rhyming slang, saucepan lid = kid)

  Schnide – fake (see also Sexton Blake)

  Score - £20 (see apple).

  See You Next Tuesday – a cunt

  Septic – an American (rhyming slang, Septic Tank)

  A sherbet – a cab (rhyming slang, sherbet dab)

  Silvery – a black man (rhyming slang, silvery spoon; see also Feargal Sharkey)

  Skin and blister – sister (rhyming slang)

  Slag – a person with no principles.

  Slaphead – a bald man, one who wears the pink crash helmet

  A slaughter – a safe place to dispose of stolen goods, short for slaughter-house.

  Smack – heroin (also horse, H, junk, skag, shit, brown, Harry, the white palace, the Chinaman’s nightcap.)

  A smudger – a photographer

  Sniffer – a reporter (rhyming slang, sniffers and snorters = reporters)

  A sov - £1, from sovereign.

  SP – information, from starting prices.

  Speed – amphetamines (see Billy)

  Spiel – patter.

  Squirt – ammonia in a bottle.

  A stewards – an investigation, from steward’s inquiry.

  A stretch – one year in prison.

  Strides – trousers

  Stripe – to cut the face with a Frankie or a chiv

  Surrey Docks – syphilis (rhyming slang, Surrey Docks = Pox)

  Swagman – a dealer in cheap goods

  Swede – head (see canister)

  A syrup – wig (rhyming slang, syrup of figs)

  Taters – cold (rhyming slang, taters in the mould; also brass monkeys from ‘it’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey).

  Tea-leaf – thief (rhyming slang)

  Thrupennies – breasts (rhyming slang, thruppenny bits – tits; see also Earthasm Eartha Kitts, and Bristols, Bristol Cities – titties)

  Tiddlies – Chinese people (rhyming slang, tiddly wink)

  Tin-Tack – sack (rhyming slang; see also the Spanish Archer – El Bow).

  Tits up – to go wrong or pear-shaped.

  Tom – jewellery (rh
yming slang, tomfoolery)

  Tom – defecate (rhyming slang, Tom Tit = shit; see also a Forrest, Forrest Gump = dump)

  Tool – a weapon

  Vera – gin (rhyming slang, Vera Lynn)

  Weasel – coat (rhyming slang, weasel and stoat)

  A whistle – suit (rhyming slang, whistle and flute)

  Wipe his mouth – to put up with the situation.

  Wrong ‘un – bad or untrustworthy person.

  Wutherings – tights (rhyming slang, Wuthering Heights)

  Appendix

  When part one of this trilogy, The Face, was originally published in 2001 it had unexpected consequences. For starters the Sun sacked me. As I’d been with the paper off and on since 1985 and had been writing the Bushell On The Box TV column for them since 1987, this seemed like an extreme, not to mention unreasonable, over-reaction. So why did it happen? Chiefly because the Daily Star had serialised the novel. The serialisation had nothing to do with me whatsoever; my publisher John Blake did the deal with them while I was on holiday. He also wrote to the Sun taking full responsibility for what had happened. It didn’t make a blind bit of difference. The paper's management said that I should have known in advance that when I sold the book to Blake he would give the serialisation rights to the Star who in turn would publish it alongside customary digs about the Sun...So basically I should have been Mystic Meg.

  The Sun’s long-forgotten Editor at the time had actually promised to serialise the book himself, but then claimed he objected to a passage where my fictional gangsters have a pop at Lorraine Kelly on GMTV. They refer to her as “the Paisley pig.” I have since apologised about this as I understand she comes from Arbroath.

  It's hard to believe this is the truth however, as the Editor knew about that passage in the book at the launch, yet didn't change his mind about promoting it until ten days later. But if we do take him at his word, what does it say about him? That the editor of a national newspaper was so befuddled he actually believed that every line of dialogue in a work of fiction must reflect the opinion of the author. These were ruthless villains with unpleasant views; I no more share their thoughts than I spend my spare time pulling off bank jobs. Perhaps he also believed that Harry Potter really does magic. I’m fairly sure some pretty serious wand-polishing went on in his office.

  The first I knew about the serialisation was when my friend Dale Winton called me at about 8.15am on the day it began. “Dear boy,” he said. “Have you see the Star? You should!” I went and bought the paper from Woolworths, and was bemused. John Blake had just told me that he’d just asked them to review it!

  I rang up two solicitors that morning (my old pal Henri Brandman and Gary Jacobs who I’d met on a few TV shows) to ask them what I could do to prevent serialisation. They said nothing, but at least I had a go which is more than the Sun ever did...

  The resulting news story got more column inches than the book itself did. The Star was naturally delighted, pulling in quotes from celebrities and running a feature on an Essex pub full of Sun readers hoisting high the serialisation. Meanwhile, Matthew Norman in the Guardian (of all places) ran a doomed campaign to get me re-instated describing me poetically as the paper’s exiled dauphin.

  It was quite ludicrous and at the time baffling, but it all seems funny looking back at it now. For starters I work from home. On that first Monday I got a call from the Editor's PA asking me to come into the office, and when I got there he asked me to go home again. He called me in just to send me home! Other than that, he refused to speak to me. He never once asked me for my side of the story.

  It was pretty hot that summer and I used to joke that to cool down I would pop down to Wapping just for the chilly reception.

  I went through the internal appeals procedure believing the truth would out but it was farcical. Only Kafka would have been impressed. It seemed to me that they had made a decision and were just trying to retrospectively construct a case to justify it.

  In the end most of the charges that were levelled against me were thrown out, so all they could sack me for was, as I said, for not knowing in advance that the book would be serialised elsewhere if they happened to change their mind about plugging it.

  This they called “gross misconduct” which made it sound like I’d flashed the canteen staff, rather than simply signed a publishing contract eleven months before.

  I should point out that a) throughout that entire period, the paper's top executives knew I was writing the book for Blake and indeed had actively encouraged me to do so; b) the deputy editor’s soap star boyfriend put himself forward to play Harry in a TV adaptation should one ever happen; c) I had signed literally scores of similar contracts with TV companies and book publishers before and d) there was a list of News International employees as long as a spaniel’s ears who had done similar deals with John Blake without getting sacked for it...

  It was blatantly unfair and the only surprise was at the time this surprised me. Looking back though, I don’t regret any of it. Parting company, however rudely, turned out to be liberating.

  Not everyone took such an active dislike to The Face. Bob Monkhouse and Billy Murray loved it. In fact, Bob was so outraged on my behalf that he rang up the Sun newsdesk several times using a Scottish accent to ask them where my column was. “I’ll not be buying this rag again,” MacBob informed them, and I don’t believe he ever did.

  Elsewhere Roy ‘Pretty Boy’ Shaw called The Face “completely bloody brilliant.” Barbara Windsor dubbed it “raw, funny and authentic” and added “I can’t wait to see the movie.” The Spectator quoted Johnny Baker’s political views with approval. Caroline Aherne reviewed it semi-warmly, with a stiletto edge of facetiousness. More positively, Jonathan Ross called it “excellent pulp fiction.” His better-looking brother Paul raved about the novel too. Billy Murray, Dave Legeno, Ross Kemp and Craig Fairbrass all separately expressed strong interest in appearing in a big screen version, which as yet has not happened although it has been much discussed.

  One enthusiastic Scottish producer I met up with in 2003 was well up for making it but ended up doing time for fraud, so I’m glad I let him buy the drinks. Six years later I was contacted by a company in Los Angeles who specialise in selling the film rights to books to Hollywood. Nothing came of that either, which is probably just as well – I’m not sure how the slang would have gone down in California. As least with a British production I might have half a chance of keeping the local colour in, and the story on the rails.

  Harry Tyler’s saga continued in Two Faced (published 2004), which was both a prequel and a sequel, and has come to a halt here. Thank you to all the readers who bothered to contact me and tell me what they thought of Harry’s adventures, and especially to those who badgered me to complete the trilogy. This book is down to you. I enjoyed getting re-acquainted with the characters; and who knows if enough of you buy it, the halt might just be a temporary one.

  Garry Bushell, August 3rd 2013

  GARRY BUSHELL'S ESSAYS ON THE MOD REVIVAL FROM THE 1979 FRONTLINE.

  The Mod Revival of 1979-80 put life and laughs into an increasingly grim post-punk UK scene. Snobby music press hacks tried to write it off as a hype manufactured by the film industry to plug Quadrophenia. Not true. The roots of ‘New Mod’ were actually in The Jam and their All Mod Cons album which inspired a generation of teenagers to embrace the joys of Fred Perry’s, Harrington jackets, Vespa’s - and powerful songs with great tunes.

  Garry Bushell was the first rock writer to cover the scene, reviewing the Purple Hearts, the Jolt, the Chords and Secret Affair in rapid succession between 1978 and 1980. He was also the only one who gave the young backstreet bands a fair hearing.

  This is his funny, informative and affectionate history of the rise and fall, rebirth and lasting influence of the Mod Revival as it happened. Including all the major bands and most of the minor ones. Available for the first time ever in book form, includes never before seen photographs of The Chords, The Jam, The Purple Hear
ts and Secret Affair.

  “Your last chance to dance before World War Three” Specials singer, Terry Hall called it. An exaggeration of course, but 2-Tone did serve up the most perfect pop music since Trojan reggae had dominated the UK Top Ten a decade before. And the bands kept coming - Bad Manners, The Beat, The Bodysnatchers. Even Judge Dread made a comeback.

  Garry Bushell, who wrote the original Dance Craze magazine, was the first rock writer to see the Specials live, the first to interview Madness and the first to watch the bands attempt to export their magic to the USA. This is his funny, informative and affectionate history of the rise and fall and rise again of the Rude Boys.

  This is the heavy, heavy monster book, the nuttiest read around! It’s also the only introduction you’ll ever need to the boss sound of the 1980s! Available for the first time ever in book form, includes many unseen photographs.

  Time for Action and Dance Craze are published by

  Countdown Books

  The UK’s most downloaded sports title of 2012!

  APPEARANCES CAN BE DECEPTIVE - as Paul Jarvis of the National Soccer Intelligence Unit is only too well aware. He knows that Billy Evans is no ordinary Cockney lad made good. He's also a thug, a villain and a cop killer. Jarvis just hasn't been able to prove it...

  Yet.

  So when Jarvis discovers that Evans is putting together a hooligan 'Super Crew' to follow the England national soccer team to Italy, he feels sure he can finally put Evans behind bars - if only someone can infiltrate the group and get him the proof he needs.

  But nothing is ever that simple. The Crew believe Evans is just out for a full-on riot. Jarvis thinks he's trafficking drugs. But Billy Evans is always one step ahead. He has another plan. And it will be catastrophic for everyone concerned.

  EXCEPT HIM

  Sequel to the best-selling thriller, The Crew. Soon to be a major motion picture starring Leo Gregory

  GANG LEADER Billy Evans has ruled his turf in London for more years than he can care to remember. So long in fact, that even he realizes that things have become a little too easy.

  So when an old adversary reappears on the scene, Bill sees a golden opportunity to not only reassert his authority, but to have some much needed fun.