Raw Deception

by Lee Quail

  “I just…just feel so free now,” Gregory whispered.

  “I’m glad you contacted me, Dad. So fucking happy. I’ve waited for this moment a long, long time.”

  They embraced each other again, tighter than before.

  “Let’s go meet Raw,” Edward said, taking Gregory’s trembling hand, he led him up the patio steps towards Raw.

  “Gregory, this is Raw.”

  “Good to meet you.” Gregory smiled through tear-clogged eyes.

  Raw shook his hand and Gregory pulled him into a tight hug. “Good to meet you too, sir.”

  “Call me Gregory or Greg. None of this sir stuff,” Gregory said, releasing Raw from his grip.

  5

  Thursday

  The excitement lasted beyond their expectations. It was as if the gods of the sky had brought father and son together. To Raw, this was a life changing moment and he wondered what adventures lay ahead, now that Edward had his father. He couldn’t help but think that Gregory’s image on Facebook did him no justice at all. Gregory was far more handsome than Raw imagined for a middle-aged man. He oozed muscular energy. His shoulders were large and his pecs brewed with hardness. Raw could see almost every contour of his stomach through the white T-shirt he wore.

  They stood on the patio watching the last light of day turn into the chill of night, drinking wine in the silence.

  No one noticed Shane as he joined them, not until he spoke.

  “Good evening, gentlemen,” he said softly as if he didn’t want to disturb the hushed ambience of the moment.

  Raw turned and his face widened into a smile. “Shane,” he said, hugging him. “Join us. I’ll pour you a glass of wine.” Raw reached for the bottle on the patio table and poured some into a short stemmed glass.

  “Gregory,” Edward said. “This is Shane. The guy I told you about on the phone. Shane, meet Gregory, my dad.”

  Gregory turned and for a split second was rendered speechless. This man-god standing before him with brown, shining eyes and a dimple on his chin, held out his hand. Gregory took his hand and almost didn’t let go. “Pleased to meet you, Shane.”

  “And you, Gregory. May I call you Gregory?”

  “Greg would sound better.”

  “Did you enjoy your nap?” Raw asked, handing Shane a glass of wine.

  “I did. Man it’s so peaceful and quiet here. I was out like a light.”

  Julia came out for a brief moment. “Gentlemen, supper is served.”

  Raw exclaimed, “Yes! I’m famished. Let’s go inside, gents.” He took the lead and limped towards the dining room.

  Edward showed Gregory his place at the head of the table.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Head of the family sits at the head of the table in this house,” Edward said, moving the chair back.

  “Thank you,” Gregory said, taking his seat. “I’m honoured.”

  Shane sat at the other end of the table and Raw and Edward sat in the middle, opposite each other.

  “I couldn’t help but notice you walk with a limp, Raw,” Gregory said, tucking into his food.

  “Hit and run,” Shane said, passing the roast potatoes around the table.

  Edward continued. “Before I met Raw he was seeing this guy on and off. Raw was into competitive boxing, and this guy was the administrator for the Boxing League of South Africa. A casual relationship. Nothing serious, or so we thought. Raw had this fear of coming out to the world so he kept his sexual preference a secret.”

  “Being a boxer I thought I had a lot to lose if I came out,” Raw said.

  “Sounds like we have a lot in common,” Gregory said, staring at Shane seated across the table. “I absolutely fear coming out. There’s still a huge stigma attached to gays in the air force. Carry on, I’m being rude.”

  “Not at all. We’ll get back to you, Dad,” Edward said.

  Raw continued. “I met Edward through Angelica, a family friend of ours, and although I fell for him at first sight, I didn’t let him in. My heart was closed. Over time, we got to know each other and it so happened that your son is a hell of a boxer too. I couldn’t get him to join my dad’s gym for reasons I’m sure he’ll tell you about.”

  “Your dad owns a gym?”

  “Yes. We trained there. I won some fights, lost some fights. That’s how it is in boxing. Unknown to me, this guy whom I had been seeing on and off, had feelings for me that went much deeper than I could handle and when Edward and I started seeing each other seriously, it all came out. But this guy was jealous. So jealous that he tried to kill me.”

  “What?”

  Raw nodded. “He rammed into me on our early morning jog. He knew my route. I landed up in hospital with a brain haemorrhage and two broken legs.”

  “The bastard,” Gregory said, putting his fork down after hearing the story.

  “As you can see, I survived.” Raw reached across the table and clasped Edward’s hands. “If it weren’t for your son I would never have survived.”

  “You’re also a boxer, Ed?” Gregory asked.

  “I was. I am. Oh, fuck I don’t know. I was successful at first. Then something happened and I lost interest. A better word would be “will”. I lost the will to continue, so I studied horticulture and became a landscaper…”

  “Back track a little. Why did you lose the will to fight when you were doing so well?”

  Edward glanced at Raw and pursed his lips.

  Raw spoke for him. “Let me put it to you this way; there are boxers who have one thing in common. Michael Norgrove from Zambia, Frankie Leal from Mexico, Davie Brown from Australia, Scott Westgarth from Britain and Roman Simakov from Russia. They all died in the ring. “

  “So you’re scared of dying in the ring?” Gregory asked.

  “Edward’s last fight was in Cuba,” Raw continued; his opponent died on a technical knockout. Edward couldn’t bring himself to fight again. He called it quits.”

  Gregory stopped eating, so did Shane. “I’m so sorry. That would be enough for me to stop fighting too,” Gregory said.

  “Raw helped me out of that psychological trap. Gratitude, Boxer. I mourned for five years. I atoned for it. ”

  They spoke and cracked the odd joke. Finally, the conversation turned to Gregory. Over dessert, Shane said, “So Greg, what’s this big deal about coming out in the defence force? I mean, our laws embrace gays, so what’s the problem?”

  “Until now, and I’m only telling you my experience, being in the closet has had some advantages. I probably would never have made it to Lieutenant Colonel had I been openly gay.”

  Edward shifted in his chair. Swallowed the last spoonful of ice cream. He said, “On the other hand, there are a lot of openly gay guys who find it expedient to act straight.”

  “True. I think it depends on the circumstances, though,” Raw said. “For instance, if I were to meet the President of Iran I think I’d need to act straight.”

  Shane finally said, “But, hasn’t this double life of yours sucked your energy?”

  “I think I’ve managed a double life quite well,” Gregory placed his spoon in his empty bowl. “My family still don’t know. Only a handful of friends and one fellow officer know and they aren’t telling anyone.”

  “So you’ve never been to Pride?” Shane asked.

  “I’d have to go with a brown paper bag over my face. No. I’ve never done Pride.”

  Shane continued, “Please don’t get me wrong, but you sound like the proverbial number who is always first to laugh at gay jokes in a group of straight people. Meanwhile, you’re gay yourself. It must be harsh choosing secrecy over your own true self. You need to watch yourself all the time.”

  “I don’t laugh at gay jokes unless I’m in a group of gay people. It’s not often. But then it’s also a fear of being blackmailed. The fear of being hurt.”

  Raw went around the table collecting plates and cutlery. “Edward taught me to accept myself. To love myself. Not to worry about what other peop
le think. I thought if I came out that I would turn into something else completely. I may get a disease. Fancy believing all that cock and bull because it isn’t true. Coming out is like renewing your love for yourself.”

  Shane met Greg’s stare. “All I know is that gays have been around throughout history, even some animals are gay.”

  “There was a stage in my life when I thought of getting help, like conversion therapy,” Gregory said, handing Raw his bowl.

  “Crazy,” Shane exclaimed. “It doesn’t work! It’s an impossible task. It’s like Edward saying he wants a cure for the colour of his blue eyes.”

  “I scrapped that idea a long time ago,” Shane said, laughing.

  “I mean wouldn’t it be better to communicate with sympathetic people rather than staying inside the closet?”

  “I agree with everything you say, Shane. As much as I love being gay, I’m not actively involved in groups and there is only a handful of people whom I can trust with this information.”

  Shane stared at him incredulously. “You’re what, maybe in your late forties, Greg. It’s not too late to accept that you’ll always be gay and to hell with everyone else. Just be you. You paint a bleak picture for us. Like there is no advantage to being gay. It’s like you’re homophobic.”

  “Forty eight. And I’m far from homophobic. I would love to have the same freedom as you, Shane. You can go from work to a movie, then pick somebody up in a bar and have sex and arrive home after midnight without creating panic and rancour in your neighbourhood. You can leave town, make a radical change in your lifestyle or career, or even travel the world. No big deal. You can choose to work part time and live poor to write novels or paint pictures or even do nothing in particular. I don’t have those luxuries. My career has always dictated the terms.”

  “I say bullshit to that,” Shane anxiously stood up and pushed his chair forward. It collided with the table. “You know what, Colonel, it’s guys like you who give us gays a bad name. You don’t accept yourself so you shift the blame on career or politics or any fucking excuse that will make you feel better.”

  Raw, seeing the agitation oozing out of Shane, said. “Whoa! Shane, take it easy buddy. We’re all different. For some it’s easy to come out, for others it’s so much harder.”

  Shane stepped onto the front porch with his glass of wine. “I’m not trying to force him to come out, I’m just suggesting that he look at his circumstances and rethink his position.”

  “I’m doing that,” Gregory said, joining Shane on the patio.

  “I could never live with or be friends with someone who is so wrapped up in the arse of his career. It would kill me.”

  Gregory took a step backwards. Shane’s words cut like a knife.

  “Wow! That’s radical,” Gregory said, shaking his head.

  Edward had joined them after clearing the dinner table. His entire being trembled from the confrontation between Shane and Gregory, and he wouldn’t allow Shane to destroy this special weekend. He slammed his glass onto the patio table and glared at him.

  “I think you’ve said enough, Shane. You’ve made your point. Let it go.”

  Gregory gently placed his glass beside Edward’s. “It’s okay, Ed. I’m about to hit the sack, anyway. I’ll see you all in the morning.”

  “He owes you an apology, Greg.”

  Gregory glared at Shane with wide, angry eyes. “No. He’s right. I think I’ll get some shuteye. See you in the morning.” Gregory negotiated the steps two at a time.

  “Greg, wait up! Let me walk with you,” Edward volunteered. Gregory heard him, but didn’t respond.

  Edward threw his hands into the air. “See what you’ve done? Happy?”

  “I’m just telling it like it is, Ed. Your dad’s an amazing man. He’d be even more amazing without that fear.”

  “Shane, you’re an asshole,” Raw said, disappointed. “You’ve probably destroyed the weekend for all of us. You should think before you speak.”

  “I’m sorry you feel that way. I think I’d best get some rest too,” Shane said, walking down the steps.

  “And you’d best be on your best behaviour tomorrow, Detective Shane Devin,” Edward shouted after him.

  ***

  In the privacy of his bungalow, Gregory lay on his bed with the door closed. A fan buzzed, cooling the room, but it wasn’t enough to stop him from sweating. The evening had not gone well. To be fair, Shane had told the truth. Gregory had lived an unhappy, closeted life up to now. Not that his life had been thin and meagre, but the lie; no, the deception, grilled his mind. Maybe he had lost the best opportunity to develop a relationship with Dirk. He should never have been so hard on Dirk. His heart thumped while thinking of him. Maybe he should send a text message? Tell him he’s thinking of him and apologise for his behaviour. He reached for his cell phone, pressed buttons, and then stopped as Shane came to mind.

  Fuck it! Shane had belittled him by telling the truth. Truth hurts, and coming from a man who raised his body temperature like a candle’s flame, it hurt all the more. Even if he had just met the man, the overwhelming attraction drowned him. Throughout dinner he couldn’t take his eyes off him.

  He fell asleep with his cell phone in his hand and awoke before dawn. Outside, the cold breeze reminded him that the weather up here was vastly different from the weather in Pretoria. He pulled on a woollen polo-neck and loose-fitting track pants and made himself a cup of coffee before venturing out. He hadn’t walked five metres when a voice called out behind him.

  “Greg! Wait up.”

  He swung around and spilled coffee onto his leather boots but didn’t notice. Edward and Raw approached him with a huge grin on their faces.

  “We couldn’t sleep. We’ve been up since three. Where you off to?” Raw asked.

  “Taking a walk. I crave a mountain sunrise.”

  “Would you like company?”

  “I’d love some company.”

  It was still dark and Edward held his cell phone turned on at full flashlight to see where they walked. At first there was complete silence between them, then Gregory said, “It’s fucking freezing. Want some coffee?”

  “Thanks,” Edward took the mug from his hand.

  Raw said, “This is the best time of day. Everything is so quiet. You can even hear the stars twinkle.” He passed the mug to Edward.

  “I’ve never seen the stars quite like this. Millions, just hanging there, like some wonderful light show,” Gregory said.

  Edward handed him the warm mug. “Greg, about last night…”

  “It’s all good, Ed. I promise.”

  “It’s not all good,” Raw said. “Shane was out of line.”

  “No respect,” Edward said, shaking his head.

  “I understand how he feels. I should take his advice. I walked away from the conversation because I knew he was right, not because I was angry.”

  “We’re angry, Greg. He can’t disrespect you like you’re a nobody.”

  “That’s because he doesn’t know me. He’s a fine guy. He’s assertive. I like that in a man.”

  “If it means anything,” Raw said. “We don’t know Shane like this.”

  “He’ll come around.”

  “He’d better. And fucking quickly,” Edward said. “We won’t have him fuck up our anniversary weekend”

  Edward pointed at the sky. “Look, dawn’s breaking.” The first sliver of light appeared, painting the clouds in a golden hue.

  “Oh, man. That is amazing,” Gregory whispered.

  “It’s breath-taking,” Raw said.

  Gregory stood close to an outcrop of rocks. “Let’s sit here and watch.”

  The sun’s brightness grew in strength and radiated out, enveloping Cathkin peak in a golden, morning hue.

  The trio huddled together as they watched the scene transform before their eyes. Nervously, Gregory reached out for Edward’s hand and squeezed. Raw took Gregory’s other hand and held it tight.

  “So, this is the plac
e your mother married into. What happened to her husband?”

  “He died in a car crash,” Edward said.

  “Was he a good dad?”

  “It broke our hearts when he died. It broke mom’s heart.”

  “You loved him?”

  “I never wanted for anything. He gave us the support and love we needed and never laid a hand on us. He was good to us. I’ll take you to their graves later on.”

  “They’re buried here?”

  “Just beyond those trees. Greg, I don’t want you to feel less loved. I never forgot you. I never forgot that day. The last time I saw you. Mom, she was angry. I remember her waving a finger at you. Accusing you of all kinds of things.”

  “It was your birthday,” Gregory said, eyes distant. “You had just turned eleven. I took a day’s leave to be with you. I recall your mother seemed shocked to see me and I thought she might have another guy with her in the house because for the first time I had to ask her to let me in…”

  Young Edward’s eyes light up when he sees Gregory standing in the hallway holding up a wrapped box. He looks so fragile with a lean face and body, long fair hair and the bluest eyes Gregory has ever seen. He stares in amazement at this beautiful little boy running towards him; his creation, perhaps the only thing he has ever done right in all his years.

  “Hey, Dad. You came. Mom said you had gone away.”

  Gregory holds him tight. “I did go away. Got back yesterday. I wouldn’t miss your birthday for the world. Have I ever?”

  “Nope. Last year we went ice-skating. What we doing today?”

  “I thought we could take a tour of where I work.”

  “Will you take me in one of the choppers? Can we fly one?”

  Greg laughs. “I don’t think my boss will like that, but we can walk among the choppers and I’ll tell you everything about my job.”

  “I know what I want to do one day, dad. I want to fly helicopters just like you.”

  “That’s awesome my man! Best job in the world.” They shoot a high five leaving little Edward with a smug grin on his face.

  Sue takes Edward’s hand and pulls him away from Greg. “Before we do anything or go anywhere, we need to talk.”