The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  Moments later, the rhino came charging onto the scene. ‘Excuse me,’ he said. ‘Have you seen a gorilla around here?’

  Holding up the newspaper to hide his face, the gorilla replied: ‘What, the one that buggered a rhino by the watering hole?’

  ‘Oh, God!’ said the rhino. ‘Don’t tell me it’s in the papers already!’

  129

  A mouse was drinking heavily in a bar, and the more he drank, the hornier he became. Having recently split up from his girlfriend, he was desperate for sex, but the only female in the bar was a giraffe. Still, she was a nice-looking giraffe and, after buying her a couple of drinks, the mouse left with her.

  An hour later, the mouse staggered back into the bar alone, looking thoroughly exhausted.

  ‘Why are you so tired?’ asked the bartender.

  The mouse explained: ‘Between the “Kiss me, Fuck me, Kiss me, Fuck me”, I must have run twenty miles!’

  130

  Did you hear about the bisexual donkey? – It had a hee in the morning and a haw at night.

  131

  Hearing howls from his basement one night, a man went downstairs to see a female cat being raped by a mouse. The man was intrigued by the sight and, after gaining the mouse’s trust with a few pieces of cheese, he persuaded the rodent to repeat the act on next door’s German Shepherd dog.

  Excited by this bizarre discovery, the man was desperate to show off the mouse to his wife. ‘Look what I’ve brought to show you,’ he called, entering the bedroom. But before he could explain, the wife took one look at the mouse, screamed, and hid under the bedclothes.

  ‘It’s only a mouse, honey,’ he said.

  ‘Get out! Get out!’ she yelled. ‘And take that sex maniac with you!’

  132

  It’s spring, and a bear cub emerges from a cave. His knees were wobbling, his paws were weak, and he had big circles under his eyes.

  His mother looked at the state of him and said: ‘Junior, did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?’

  ‘Hibernate?’ said the bear cub. ‘Damn. I thought you said masturbate!’

  133

  What’s the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back? – A police horse.

  134

  It was that time of the year when the bulls were called upon to service the local cows. Entrusted with the task were a young bull by the name of Henry and an older one called Sam. As the senior partner, Sam felt obliged to take charge of the organization. A stickler for neatness, he suggested that they wait until the cows were lined up at the feeding trough and then work their way along the line from either end. ‘You start at one end,’ he told Henry, ‘I’ll start at the other, and we’ll meet in the middle. It will all be conducted in a nice orderly fashion. And remember, you have to treat the cows with respect and courtesy. Always be polite after inseminating them.’

  Henry promised to treat the cows gently but when he saw them lined up at the trough, youthful exuberance took over and he raced along the line at breakneck speed. ‘Thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, sorry Sam, thank you ma’am . . .’

  135

  What has four legs and flies? – A dead horse.

  136

  When the Ark’s door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. ‘Listen up,’ he said. ‘There will be no sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it to my sons. I will sit at that table over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back.’

  A week into the journey, Mr Rabbit hopped excitedly into his wife’s cage and said: ‘Quick! Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if you can see land.’

  She got onto his shoulders but said: ‘Sorry, no sign of land yet.’

  ‘Damn!’ he said.

  This went on every day for the next week. Each day Mr Rabbit would rush in excitedly and ask Mrs Rabbit if she could see land yet. Each time the answer was the same. Eventually she got fed up with him. ‘What’s wrong with you?’ she asked. ‘You know it will rain for forty days and forty nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited?’

  ‘Look,’ said Mr Rabbit slyly, producing a slip of paper from his pocket. ‘I’ve got the horse’s receipt!’

  137

  What did the slug say to the snail? – ‘Big Issue, mate?’

  138

  A woman living near Nairobi was eating breakfast on her patio when she noticed a huge gorilla climbing her palm tree. Scared, she ran into her house and phoned the local gorilla handler. He told her not to worry, and said that he would be right over. When he arrived, he explained that it was a fairly common problem and should only take a few minutes. He then went to his truck and fetched a stepladder, a shotgun, an 8ft pole, a pair of handcuffs, and a vicious pit bull terrier.

  ‘What is all that stuff for?’ asked the woman.

  He said: ‘First, I climb up on the stepladder and ram the pole up the gorilla’s ass. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree, at which point the mean pit bull will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyses the gorilla, and at that point I handcuff the gorilla and take him away.’

  The woman looked puzzled. ‘So, what’s the shotgun for?’

  ‘In case I fall off the ladder, you shoot the pit bull!’

  139

  Two small boys – Timmy and Michael – were playing with their pet tortoises in the garden. Timmy boasted that his tortoise was the faster, so they agreed to have a race to the garden wall. Michael’s tortoise lumbered away, but Timmy’s just sat there in its shell.

  ‘You’re gonna lose! You’re gonna lose!’ laughed Michael as his pet headed off up the garden.

  ‘No, I’m not!’ yelled Timmy. And with that he picked up his tortoise and hurled it at the wall.

  140

  What does a bull do to stay warm on a cold day? – It goes into a barn and slips into a nice warm Jersey.

  141

  Two naturalists were observing wildlife in the forests of Canada.

  One said: ‘Did you see that bear over there?’

  ‘No,’ replied the second. ‘I didn’t.’

  A few minutes later the first naturalist said: ‘Did you just see that eagle flying overheard?’

  ‘No, I missed that,’ said the second, dejected.

  Five minutes later, the first naturalist said: ‘Did you see that moose go behind those trees?’

  ‘Damn!’ said the second. ‘I missed that, too!’

  ‘You really ought to keep your eyes open,’ said the first. ‘That way you won’t keep missing things.’

  A few minutes later, the first naturalist said: ‘Hey, did you see that?’

  ‘As a matter of fact I did,’ snapped the second man, determined not to be ridiculed further. ‘Indeed, I probably spotted it before you!’

  ‘Oh, yes?’ said the first naturalist. ‘So why did you step in it?’

  142

  How many animals can you get into a pair of tights? – Ten little piggies, two calves, one beaver, one ass, one pussy, thousands of hares, and a dead fish no one can ever find.

  ART

  143

  At an art exhibition, two women were staring at a painting entitled Home for Lunch. The painting was of three very naked and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the man on either end of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out.

  Then the artist walked by and, noticing the women’s confusion, asked: ‘Can I help you at all?’

  ‘Well, yes,’ said one of the women. ‘We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?’

  ‘Oh,’ said the artist. ‘I’m afraid you’ve misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African-Americans, they’re c
oal miners, and the fellow in the middle went “Home for Lunch”.’

  ATHEISTS

  144

  An atheist was walking through a Canadian forest when a huge grizzly bear began chasing him. Cornered in a cave, the terrified atheist sank to his knees, shouting: ‘Lord, save me!’

  God called down: ‘You hypocrite! All these years you’ve denied my very existence, and now you want my help!’

  ‘I know, I know,’ pleaded the atheist. ‘I have no right to ask for your help, but could you at least meet me halfway on this and make the bear a Christian? Please, God, I’m begging you.’

  ‘Very well,’ sighed God, and he made the bear a Christian.

  The atheist breathed a huge sigh of relief and boldly approached the bear. But as he tried to pass, the bear bared his teeth and gored the atheist to death. Standing over the corpse, the bear then put his paws together and said: ‘Lord, for this sumptuous meal I thank you . . .’

  AUSTRALIANS

  145

  Bruce was driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge when he spotted his girlfriend Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slammed on the brakes and yelled: ‘Sheila, what the hell d’ya think you’re doing?’

  Sheila turned around with a tear in her eye and said: ‘G’day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I’m gonna kill myself.’

  Bruce got a lump in his throat when he heard this. ‘Struth, Sheila,’ he said, ‘not only are you a great shag, but you’re a real sport too.’

  Then he drove off.

  146

  What’s the definition of Australian aristocracy? – A man who can trace his lineage back to his father.

  147

  On a visit to London, an Australian applied for a job as a royal footman. Armed with his references from his previous job, he went along to the interview, where he was asked to drop his trousers.

  Seeing the Australian’s puzzled expression, the interviewer explained: ‘Don’t worry, it’s merely a formality. You see, footmen are often required to wear kilts when accompanying the Queen to Balmoral, so we like to examine the knees of applicants to check for any unsightly scars.’

  The Aussie duly dropped his trousers to allow his knees to be inspected.

  ‘Excellent,’ said the interviewer. ‘Now could you show me your testimonials?’

  Thirty seconds later, the Aussie found himself lying in the corridor, nursing a black eye. ‘Struth,’ he said, picking himself up and dusting himself down. ‘I reckon I’d have got that job if I’d known the lingo a little better.’

  148

  How do you know when an Australian woman is having her period? – She’s only wearing one sock.

  149

  An Australian had been wandering through the outback for months when he came to an isolated farm with a pretty girl standing at the gate.

  ‘D’ya shag?’ he asked.

  ‘No, but you’ve talked me into it, you silver-tongued bastard!’

  150

  An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about it. The doctor said: ‘This is a very delicate and dangerous operation. You see, in order to make you Irish, I’ll have to remove half your brain. Are you happy with that?’

  ‘Yes, that’s OK,’ said the Englishman. ‘I’ve always wanted to be Irish, and I’m prepared to take the risk.’

  The operation went ahead, but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the doctor’s face. ‘I’m so terribly sorry,’ said the doctor. ‘Instead of removing half the brain, I’ve taken the whole brain out.’

  The patient replied: ‘No worries, mate.’

  AUTOMOBILES

  How To Identify Where a Driver Is From:

  151

  One hand on wheel, one hand on horn – Chicago

  152

  One hand on wheel, one finger out window – New York City

  153

  One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator – Boston

  154

  One hand on wheel, cradling mobile phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap – Los Angeles

  155

  Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror – Ohio, but driving in California

  156

  Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat – Italy

  157

  One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game – Seattle

  158

  One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, throwing McDonald’s bag out of window – Texas male

  159

  One hand constantly refocusing rearview mirror to show different angles of big hair, poodle steering car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in glove compartment – Texas female

  160

  Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna – Arkansas

  161

  Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 mph on the interstate in the left lane with the blinker on – Florida

  162

  A wealthy lady was being driven by her chauffeur when their car got a flat tyre. The chauffeur got out and began trying to remove the hubcap. After watching him struggle for five minutes, she leaned out of the window and asked: ‘Would you like a screwdriver?’

  ‘We might as well,’ he said. ‘I can’t get this bloody wheel off!’

  163

  How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? – One of his fingers is clean.

  164

  A hitch-hiker was standing by the roadside, making vulgar gestures at passing cars.

  Another hiker came over to him and said: ‘You’ll never get a lift like that.’

  ‘I don’t care,’ said the first. ‘It’s my lunch break.’

  165

  Having just bought a small sports car, a young guy was keen to show it off to his girlfriend. So they went for a drive in the country where she began to feel decidedly amorous. As he stopped the car in a quiet lane, she said: ‘There’s no room in here: let’s go and screw behind that grassy bank. Hurry up and get out of the car before I get out of the mood!’

  The guy struggled for a minute, then said dejectedly: ‘Until I get out of the mood, I can’t get out of the car!’

  166

  A speeding car smashed through a guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree, and landed upside down, wheels spinning frantically.

  As the driver climbed slowly back up to the road, a passing motorist said: ‘Are you drunk?’

  ‘Of course,’ he said. ‘What do you think I am, a stunt driver?’

  167

  Out on a date, a young couple went for a drive in the countryside. Starting to feel randy, they looked for a quiet lane and tried to have sex in the back seat. However the car was too small and instead they decided to carry on underneath the vehicle where there was more legroom.

  A few minutes later, a police officer happened to be passing. He immediately announced that he was arresting the couple for indecent exposure.

  ‘But I’m not doing anything illegal,’ protested the man. ‘I’m just fixing my car.’

  ‘You’re having sex,’ replied the officer coldly. ‘And I know that to be a fact for three reasons. Firstly, you have no tools out. Secondly, I can see a second pair of legs in addition to yours. And thirdly, your car’s been stolen.’

  168

  How can an American be certain that the car he’s just bought is actually new? – When it’s recalled by the factory.

  169

  John was driving around town in a Rolls-Royce when he saw his friend Alec waving to him.

  ‘Hey, where did you get the car?’ asked Alec.

  ‘Well,’ explained John, ‘I was walking down the road to the general store when a beautiful blonde pulled up in this car and offered me a ride. I got in, but instead of
going into town, she drove up to the lane by the lake and removed all of her clothes except her black lacy knickers. She then lay back in the seat, spread her legs and said: “Take anything you want from me.” Well, I could see her underwear would never fit me, so I took the car. . .’