170
What’s the difference between a Jehovah’s Witness and a Skoda? – You can shut the door on a Jehovah’s Witness.
171
What’s the difference between a Skoda and a tampon? – The tampon comes with its own tow rope.
172
What’s the difference between being caught inside Kylie Minogue’s bra and being caught inside a Skoda? – You feel a bigger tit in a Skoda!
173
A lady went to a car dealership to buy a Skoda, only to be told that, due to new EC regulations, she had to provide an account of her medical history before she could purchase the car. Mildly irritated, she complied, and returned the following day with the required information.
The salesman read through her documents but said: ‘Sorry, madam, you can’t buy a Skoda.’
‘Why on earth not?’ she asked.
‘Because,’ said the salesman, ‘it says here that you’ve had a hysterectomy, and you have to be a complete cunt to buy a Skoda!’
174
Why do men pay more than women for car insurance? – Because women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving.
175
Did you hear about the new device that makes your car run ninety-five per cent quieter? – It fits right over her mouth.
176
It was a perfect summer’s day, and a guy was driving along the highway to a scenic lake where he intended spending the afternoon fishing. About an hour from his destination, he spotted a man dressed from head to toe in red standing by the side of the highway and gesturing him to stop. The fisherman pulled over, wound down his window and asked: ‘How can I help you?’
‘I am the red asshole of the asphalt,’ replied the man in red. ‘You got anything to eat?’
Blessed with a generous spirit on such a beautiful day, the fisherman handed the man one of his sandwiches before resuming his journey.
A few miles down the road, he noticed a man dressed all in yellow standing by the side of the road and beckoning him to stop. Mildly irritated by a second interruption to his progress, the fisherman called out: ‘What do you want?’
‘I am the yellow asshole of the asphalt,’ replied the man in yellow. ‘Got anything to drink?’
The fisherman handed him a can of Coke and quickly drove off. Not wanting to lose any more time, he put his foot down in an attempt to reach the lake by lunchtime, but a few miles further down the road he saw a guy dressed all in blue standing by the side of the road gesturing him to stop. Frustrated at yet another delay, the fisherman pulled over, wound down the window and yelled: ‘Let me guess, you’re the blue asshole of the asphalt. What the hell do you want?’
The man n blue replied: ‘Driver’s licence and registration, please.’
BABIES
177
A woman went to her doctor and said. ‘Doctor, I can’t sleep at night. When I’m in the next room, I have this terrible fear that I won’t hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?’
‘Easy,’ said the doctor. ‘Just take the carpet off the floor.’
178
While waiting for a train, a man was holding two babies, one in each arm.
A woman came up to him and said: ‘Aren’t they cute? What are their names?’
‘I don’t know,’ said the guy, irritated.
‘Are they boys or girls?’, continued the woman.
‘I don’t know,’ snapped the guy.
‘What kind of a father are you?’ she said.
He answered: ‘I’m not their father, I’m a condom salesman. And these are the two complaints I’m taking back to my company!’
179
What’s the difference between a seagull and a baby? – A seagull flits along the shore.
180
Two storks – father stork and baby stork – were sitting on the nest. Baby stork was crying incessantly, and father stork was trying to calm him down. ‘Don’t worry, your mother will come back. She’s only bringing people babies and making them happy.’
The following night it was the father’s turn to do the rounds. So as mother and baby stork sat on the nest, she told him: ‘Don’t worry, your father will be back as soon as possible. But for now he’s bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.’
A few days later, mother and father stork were sick with worry: baby stork had been gone from the nest all night. When he finally returned the next morning, they said: ‘Where on earth have you been?’
‘Aw,’ he said, ‘just scaring the shit out of college kids!’
181
What’s the bad news about being a test tube baby? – You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.
182
Two young guys, Rick and Jamie, were sleeping with the same girl, so when she fell pregnant there was no way of knowing which was the father. Not wishing to be burdened with responsibility, they paid for her to have the baby out of town, but then months went by without any news. Eventually Rick phoned the girl. The following day he phoned Jamie.
‘There’s good and bad news,’ said Rick. ‘The good news is, she’s fine and had twins.’
‘What’s the bad news?’ asked Jamie.
Rick said: ‘Mine died.’
183
A woman with a baby was waiting in the doctor’s examining room. After putting the baby on the scales, the doctor found him to be underweight. ‘Is the baby breast or bottle fed?’ he asked.
‘Breast fed,’ replied the woman.
‘Right,’ said the doctor. ‘Please strip down to your waist.’
The woman took off her top, and the doctor pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both of her breasts. Finally he said: ‘No wonder the baby is under weight. You don’t have any milk.’
‘I know,’ she said. ‘I’m his grandmother. But I’m really pleased I brought him in!’
184
A gang member was holding his baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. When the baby murmured ‘Mother,’ the guy got excited and yelled to his wife: ‘Hey, the baby just said half a word!’
BANKERS
185
A guy went into a bank to ask for a loan. ‘I have some black powder,’ he told the manager. ‘You sprinkle it on a woman’s vagina and it makes it taste like a peach.’
‘I’m sorry,’ said the manager. ‘I don’t think we can give you a loan for that.’
A few months later the same guy entered the same bank pushing a wheelbarrow full of money.
The manager said: ‘Congratulations. I guess that idea for black powder really paid off.’
‘No, that didn’t go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder.’
‘Really?’ said the manager. ‘What does it do?’
The guy said: ‘Give me a peach and I’ll show you.’
186
Two accountants and a banker visited a lap dancing club. Keen to impress his friends, one of the accountants pulled out a $10 bill, licked it, and put it on the dancer’s ass. Not to be outdone, the other accountant called the girl back over, pulled out a $50 bill, licked it, and put it on the girl’s other cheek. As all eyes turned to the banker, he got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the sixty bucks, and headed for the door.
BARTENDERS
187
A huge muscular guy walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender couldn’t help but notice that, in contrast to his bulging muscles, the guy had a head that was no bigger than an orange. As he served him his beer, the bartender said: ‘If you don’t mind me saying so, you’ve got a phenomenal physique, but one thing puzzles me: why is your head so small?’
The big guy pulled up a stool. He had obviously answered the same question many times before. ‘OK,’ he began. ‘One day I was out hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help, so I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting beside a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said: “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful wom
an and grant you three wishes.” ’
‘No kidding?’ said the bartender, captivated by the story.
‘So,’ continued the big guy, ‘I gave the frog a kiss and, sure enough, it turned into a beautiful, voluptuous naked woman. And she said: “You now have three wishes.” I looked down at my scrawny 115-pound body and said: “I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.” Then she snapped her fingers and suddenly there I was, so huge that my body ripped my clothes open and left me standing there naked!
‘Then she said: “What will be your second wish?” I looked hungrily at her gorgeous body and replied: “I want to make passionate love with you here by this stream.” She nodded, laid down on the ground and we made love right there by that stream for hours!’
‘Go on,’ begged the bartender.
‘Afterwards,’ continued the big guy, ‘as we lay next to each other, sweating from our sensuous lovemaking, she whispered into my ear: “You know, you still have one more wish. What will it be?”
‘I looked at her tenderly and said: “How ’bout a little head?” ’
188
A guy walked into a London bar and heard a voice coming from the cigarette machine. ‘You’re a waste of space,’ said the voice. ‘Your hair is a mess, you’ve got no dress sense, and your career’s going nowhere. You’re a total loser.’
Shaken, the guy went over to the bartender and told him what had happened. The bartender apologized for such behaviour and said: ‘The cigarette machine is out of order.’
189
A man walked into a bar and said to the bartender: ‘Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now.’
After finishing his beer, the man began to walk out of the bar.
‘Hey,’ shouted the bartender. ‘You haven’t paid for the drinks!’
‘Sorry,’ said the man, ‘I haven’t got any money.’
Furious at being duped, the bartender whacked him around the head and threw him out onto the street.
The same man returned to the same bar the following evening and said to the bartender: ‘Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now.’
Thinking that nobody would be crazy enough to pull the same stunt twice, the bartender figured that the customer must have the money this time, so he handed out the beers. But as the man finished his drink, he headed for the door.
‘Hey!’ yelled the bartender. ‘You haven’t paid again!’
‘Sorry,’ said the customer, ‘I’ve got no money.’
Red with rage, the bartender pummelled the man to the ground and hurled him out onto the street.
The next night, the same man was back in the same bar. He said to the bartender: ‘Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now.’
Disgusted, the bartender asked: ‘What, no beer for me this time?’
‘No,’ said the man. ‘You get violent when you drink.’
190
A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre. So the bartender gave her one.
191
A woman walked into a bar and ordered two shots. She downed the first one, saying ‘This is for the shame.’ Then she downed the second one, saying ‘This is for the glory.’ Then she ordered two more shots and repeated the shame/glory routine.
She was about to order another two shots when the bartender asked her: ‘What’s all this about shame and glory?’
‘You see,’ she explained, ‘I like to do my housework naked. But last week when I bent over to pick something up, my Great Dane dog mounted me from behind.’
‘Ah, right,’ said the bartender. ‘That must be the shame.’
‘No,’ she said, ‘that was the glory. The shame was when we got locked out and he dragged me around the front yard for half an hour.’
192
A popular bar installed a new robotic bartender that was programmed to strike up a conversation according to the customer’s IQ. So when a guy came in for a drink, the robot asked him: ‘What’s your IQ?’
The man replied: ‘130.’
The robot then proceeded to make conversation about nuclear physics, astronomy and advanced math. The customer was impressed.
Then another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him: ‘What’s your IQ?’
The man responded: ‘120.’
So the robot started talking about the Super Bowl, dirt bikes and hockey. The customer thought it was really cool.
Then a third guy came in to the bar and, as before, the robot asked him: ‘What’s your IQ?’
The man replied: ‘80.’
The robot said: ‘So, how are things in Alabama these days?’
BED
193
A married couple were lying in bed at night. The wife had settled down ready to go to sleep, but the husband was reading a book by the light of his bedside lamp. As he was reading, he paused momentarily, reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy before resuming reading his book.
Aroused by his touch, she got out of bed and slipped off her nightdress.
The husband was mystified. ‘What are you doing?’ he asked.
‘You were playing with my pussy,’ replied the wife. ‘I thought it was foreplay for something heavier.’
The husband exclaimed: ‘Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.’
194
What’s soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up? – Vomit.
195
A married couple slept in twin beds. One night just as they were settling down to sleep, he called across to her: ‘My little honey bunch, I’m lonely.’
Taking the hint, she got out of her bed and crossed to his, but on the way she tripped on the rug and fell flat on her face. Concerned, he inquired: ‘Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her nosey-wosey?’
After they had passionate sex, she got up to return to her own bed, but on the way back she again tripped on the rug and fell flat on her face. He glanced at her and said: ‘Clumsy bitch!’
BESTIALITY
196
A guy, a pig, and a dog were the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, as a result of which they found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being therefor a few weeks, they got into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, and the breeze was warm and gentle. It was a perfect night for love. In such a romantic atmosphere, that pig gradually started looking better and better, and soon the guy rolled towards the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not happy with this and growled fiercely at the guy until he removed his arm from the pig.
Over the ensuing weeks, the trio continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no further cuddling. Then there was another shipwreck, and this time the sole survivor was a beautiful young woman. Slowly they nursed her back to health and she was eventually introduced to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, warm gentle breeze, perfect for romance, the four of them lying there. The guy started getting ‘those’ ideas again, so he leaned over towards the girl and said: ‘Er, would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’
197
A man from the Internal Revenue Service knocked on the front door of a house. A small boy answered.
‘Is your mom in?’
‘She’s in the backyard screwing the goat.’
The man was horrified. ‘Son, it’s not nice to make up stories like that!’
The boy said: ‘I’m not making it up. If you don’t believe me, come through and I’ll show you.’
So the taxman followed the boy to the back of the house and, sure enough, through the window he could see a woman screwing a goat.
Disgusted, he turned to the boy and said: ‘Doesn’t that bother you?’
The boy replied: ‘Naaaaaaaaah!’
198
Why did the pervert
cross the road? – Because he was stuck in the chicken.
199
A farmer asked his vet how he could tell whether his pigs were pregnant.
‘It’s simple,’ said the vet. ‘If the pigs are standing up in the morning, they’re not pregnant; but if they’re rolling in the mud, they are pregnant.’
The following morning, the farmer looked out of the window to see all of his pigs standing up. So he loaded the pigs into the back of his pick-up truck, drove them to the woods and fucked them all once. He then brought them back to their pen before retiring to bed, tired from the effort.
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 6