The next morning he looked out again. The pigs were standing up, so he loaded them into the truck, drove them to the woods and fucked every pig twice. He then brought them back to the farm before flopping into bed, very tired.
When he woke up the next morning, the first thing he did was look out of the window. To his dismay, the pigs were all standing. So he loaded them into the truck, drove them to the woods and fucked them all three times. He then drove them back to the farm and crashed into bed, absolutely exhausted.
The following morning he was too tired to get out of bed, so he asked his wife whether the pigs were standing up or rolling around in the mud.
‘Neither,’ she said. ‘They’re all in the back of the truck, and one’s lying on the horn.’
BIKERS
200
A biker and his wife were celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. That night, she entered the bedroom wearing the same sexy little negligee that she had worn on their wedding night. She said: ‘Honey, do you remember this?’
‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘You were wearing that on the night we married.’
‘That’s right,’ she smiled. ‘And do you remember what you said to me that night?’
‘Yeah, I said: “Baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out.’”
She giggled and said: ‘That’s exactly what you said. So now it’s fifty years later, and I’m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?’
He looked her up and down and said: ‘Mission accomplished.’
201
Why do Hell’s Angels wear leather? – Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
202
What’s the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? – The location of the dirtbag.
203
‘Help! Send someone over quickly!’ a middle-aged spinster yelled into the phone. ‘Two naked bikers are climbing up towards my bedroom window.’
‘This is the Fire Department, lady. I’ll have to transfer you to the Police Department.’
‘No, it’s you I want,’ insisted the woman. ‘They need a longer ladder.’
204
What’s the best thing about being an older biker chick? – You don’t have to pull your shirt up so far to show your tits.
205
A guy riding a motorbike was wearing a leather jacket with a broken zip. After a mile or so, he stopped the bike and said to his pillion passenger: ‘I can’t ride any more with the wind hitting my chest. I’m gonna put my jacket on backwards to keep the cold out.’
A couple of miles further on, he took a bend too fast and smashed the bike into a tree. A farmer living nearby immediately called the police.
When the police officer arrived on the scene, he asked the farmer: ‘Are either of them showing any signs of life?’
The farmer said: ‘That first one was till I turned his head around the right way.’
206
Two bikers were talking at a bar.
‘How’s married life?’ asked one.
‘Fine,’ said the other.
‘And how’s the sex?’
‘No problem – and at least I don’t have to wait in line any more!’
OSAMA BIN LADEN
207
A small boy came home from first grade and told his father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. ‘Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish, will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?’
‘I shouldn’t think so,’ said his father. ‘Why? Who do you want to send a Valentine to?’
‘Osama Bin Laden,’ replied the boy.
‘Why Osama Bin Laden?’ asked his father, shocked.
‘Well,’ said the boy, ‘I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to send Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start travelling the world, telling everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.’
His father’s heart swelled and he looked at the boy with newfound pride. ‘Son,’ he said, ‘that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.’
‘I know,’ said the boy, ‘and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines will be able to get a clear shot at him!’
208
Irish terrorist police have surrounded a Dublin department store. They heard Bed Linen was on the second floor.
209
A group of Osama Bin Laden’s Taliban soldiers were marching down a track in Afghanistan when they heard an American voice call out from behind a sand dune: ‘One Marine is better than ten Taliban!’
Bin Laden quickly despatched ten of his finest soldiers over the sand dune, whereupon there was a fierce gun battle, followed by silence. An American voice then called out: ‘One Marine is better than 100 Taliban!’
The furious Bin Laden immediately sent his next best 100 troops over the dune. A battle raged for ten minutes, followed by silence. An American voice then called out: ‘One Marine is better than 1,000 Taliban!’
Enraged, Bin Laden mustered 1,000 fighters and sent them over the dune. There was a huge battle, lasting for more than an hour, followed by silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawled back over the dune and with his dying words told Bin Laden: ‘Don’t send any more. It’s a trap. There’s actually two of them.’
BIRDS
210
A man was in court charged with killing a tawny owl, an endangered and protected species. After listening to the evidence in what appeared to be an open and shut case, the judge asked the defendant if he had anything to say.
The defendant stood up and said: ‘It was a life or death situation. I had broken my leg while out hiking and it was pouring with rain, so I took refuge in a barn. Days passed without seeing a single person. I was starving and needed to eat, so I killed the bird and ate it. I really had no choice.’
Impressed by the speech, the judge decided to grant him his freedom. Before the court adjourned, the judge asked out of curiosity what a tawny owl tasted like.
The man thought for a second and replied: ‘A bit like golden eagle.’
211
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? – The swallow.
212
A guy was horny as hell . . . but broke. He went to a New York whorehouse with five dollars and begged the madame to give him whatever she could for that price.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, ‘but five dollars will only cover the rent of a room for ten minutes. And none of my girls work for free.’
Nevertheless he paid up and was shown to the room, but there was nothing to screw. In desperation, he spotted a pigeon on the window ledge. He gently opened the window, grabbed the pigeon and fucked the hell out of it. Satisfied, he then went home.
The following week he returned to the whorehouse, this time with a wallet full of cash from payday. He said to the madame: ‘I’ve got lots of money now, so give me a hooker.’
She said: ‘All of my girls are busy right now. Why don’t you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?’
So he went to the peepshow and was enjoying it so much that he turned to the guy next to him and said: ‘These broads are really hot, huh?’
‘Yeah, but you should’ve been here last week. There was this guy fucking a pigeon!’
213
After the Easter Sunday egg hunt, a farm boy played a prank by going to the chicken coop and replacing every egg with a brightly coloured one. A few minutes later, the rooster walked in, saw all the coloured eggs, then stormed outside and beat the hell out of the peacock.
214
An elderly woman said to her friend: ‘Last week I bought two budgerigars – a male and a female – but the trouble is, I don’t know which is which.’
‘Can’t you tell by t
he colour above their beak?’ said the friend.
‘No, not when they’re young.’
‘Well, why don’t you wait until they’re “doing the business”, as it were, then put a collar on the bird on top, because that will be the male?’
‘That’s an excellent idea,’ said the woman. So she waited for the birds to start mating and put a collar on the male budgerigar.
A week later, the vicar came round for tea. The budgie took one look at him and squawked: ‘Caught you, too, did they, mate?’
215
A Mississippi woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Mississippi arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Mississippi woodpecker said his state had a tree that no woodpecker had ever been able to peck, and challenged the Texas woodpecker to try it. To the amazement of the Mississippi woodpecker, the Texas woodpecker pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
Now it was the Texas woodpecker’s turn to try and prove that his state had the most impenetrable trees. He told the Mississippi woodpecker that in Texas was a tree with a bark so hard that no bird had managed to get his beak into it. The Mississippi woodpecker took up the challenge of driving his beak into the tree and, to the dismay of the Texas woodpecker, succeeded easily.
Both woodpeckers were puzzled as to why they were more successful with trees in states other than their own. In the end they concluded that your pecker is always harder when you’re away from home.
BIRTH
216
It was the talk of the town when an eighty-year-old man married a twenty-year-old girl, particularly when a year later she went into hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the proud father. ‘This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?’
He answered: ‘You’ve got to keep that old motor running.’
The following year his young wife gave birth again. The same nurse said: ‘You really are amazing. How do you do it?’
He replied knowingly: ‘You’ve got to keep that old motor running.’
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said: ‘You must be quite a man.’
He laughed: ‘You’ve got to keep that old motor running.’
The nurse said: ‘Well, you had better change the oil. This one’s black.’
217
A farmer was helping one of his cows to give birth when he noticed his son watching wide-eyed. ‘Oh, dear,’ thought the farmer, ‘I can see I’m going to have to explain the birds and bees.’
So when he finished, he asked the boy: ‘Well, do you have any questions?’
‘Just one,’ gasped the boy. ‘How fast was that calf going when it hit that cow?’
218
A nervous young man was pacing up and down the waiting room at a maternity hospital. Eventually he asked another guy, who seemed more experienced in these matters: ‘How long after the baby is born can you have sex with the mother?’
The older guy said: ‘It depends whether she’s in a public ward or a private ward.’
219
A Catholic couple were becoming increasingly desperate for a baby. Eventually they asked their priest to pray for them.
The priest said: ‘I’m going to Rome on a long sabbatical and, while I’m there, I’ll light a candle for you at the altar of St Peter.’
When the priest returned to his parish ten months later, he discovered that the woman had given birth to sextuplets. ‘It’s a miracle!’ exclaimed the priest. ‘But I understand your husband has left the country?’
‘So he has, Father. He’s flown to Rome to blow your bloody candle out.’
220
A young teenager came home from school and asked her mother: ‘Is it true what Sarah just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?’
‘Yes, dear,’ replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn’t have to explain it.
The girl looked mystified. ‘But then when I have a baby, won’t it knock my teeth out?’
221
A married couple had to rent their first two homes, so when they finally saved up enough money to be able to afford to buy a house, they were absolutely thrilled. So was the husband’s brother, who bought them a bottle of champagne to mark the occasion.
In the hustle and bustle of settling into the first home that they actually owned, the gift was tucked away and temporarily forgotten. Then three months later, the couple held a Christening party for their third child. Champagne flowed in celebration until, running short, the wife remembered her brother-in-law’s housewarming gift. In front of her guests, she opened the attached card and read it aloud: ‘Bill, take good care of this one – it’s yours!’
BIRTH CONTROL
222
Three women were discussing birth control.
The first said: ‘We’re Catholic, so we don’t practise birth control.’
The second said: ‘I am, too, but we use the rhythm method.’
The third said: ‘We use the bucket and saucer method.’
‘What’s that?’ asked the others.
‘Well,’ she said, ‘I’m 5ft 11 in tall and my husband is 5ft 2in. We make love standing up, with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him.’
223
What’s a diaphragm? – A trampoline for dickheads.
224
A bus driver was sitting in the canteen when an inspector asked him: ‘What time did you pull out this morning?’
‘I didn’t,’ said the driver. ‘And it’s been worrying me all day.’
225
Four young women spent the afternoon on a clothes-shopping spree but, as they made their way back to the car, one of them realized that she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her contraceptive pills. So she ran to the nearest store, rushed in with a prescription and said to the pharmacist. ‘Please fill this immediately. I’ve got people waiting in my car.’
226
What’s the best form of birth control after fifty? – Nudity.
227
An old man complained to the doctor of feeling tired. The doctor asked him if he had done anything unusual lately.
The old man said: ‘Wednesday night, I picked up a twenty-year-old secretary and nailed her three times. Thursday, I hit on a nineteen-year-old waitress; Friday, I made out with an eighteen-year-old friend of my granddaughter; and Saturday, I was lured to a motel by seventeen-year-old twins.’
The doctor said: ‘I hope you took precautions.’
‘Sure,’ replied the old man. ‘I gave ’em all phoney names.’
TONY BLAIR
228
Tony Blair gave the half-time team talk at a soccer match. But nobody believed him when he warned that the opponents could mount a serious attack in the next forty-five minutes.
229
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Tony Blair all died in a plane crash and went to heaven.
First, God asked Clinton about his beliefs. Clinton replied: ‘I am a strong believer in freedom of choice for people.’
‘Those are admirable principles,’ said God. ‘Come and sit at my right hand.’
Then God asked Bush for his views. Bush answered: ‘I believe in freeing countries from tyrannical regimes.’
‘Noble sentiments,’ said God. ‘Come and sit at my left hand.’
Finally God turned to Blair, who was staring at him indignantly. ‘What’s the matter, Tony?’ asked God.
Blair replied: ‘You’re sitting in my bloody chair!’
BLINDNESS
230
Dave, an experienced skydiver, was getting ready for a jump one day when he spotted another man preparing to dive wearing dark glasses, carrying a white stick and holding a seeing-eye dog by the leash. Shocked that a blind man was also going to jump, Dave struck up conversation, expressing admiration for the man’s bravery. Then puzzled, he asked: ‘How do you know when the ground is getting close?’<
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‘Easy,’ replied the blind man. ‘The leash goes slack.’
231
Children at a blind school set off on their annual day trip to the coast, and pulled into a motorway service station for lunch. So that the children could stretch their legs while their lunch orders were being taken, one of the teachers took out a special ball with a bell in it and suggested they had a game of soccer on a nearby strip of grass. The teachers started the game off, then went to collect the food.
While the teachers were waiting at the restaurant, the coach driver came running in. ‘Quick!’ he yelled. ‘Your kids are kicking the shit out of a group of Morris dancers!’
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 7