The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

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The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 9

by Geoff Tibballs

Did you hear about the blonde who thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats?

  272

  Did you hear about the blonde who thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools?

  273

  A blonde riding in a taxi cab suddenly realized that she didn’t have any money for the fare. So she said to the driver: ‘You’d better stop. I can’t pay you, and it’s $10 already.’

  The driver checked her out in the rear-view mirror and said: ‘That’s OK. I’ll turn down the next dark street and I can get in the back seat and take off your bra.’

  ‘You’d be cheating yourself,’ said the blonde. ‘This bra is only worth $5.’

  274

  A brunette, a redhead and a blonde escaped a burning building by climbing to the roof. On the street below, firemen were waiting, holding a blanket for them to jump into.

  The firemen yelled to the brunette: ‘Jump! Jump! It’s your only chance of survival.’

  The brunette jumped, but suddenly the firemen yanked the blanket away, and she slammed into the sidewalk like a tomato.

  ‘Jump! Jump!’ the firemen yelled to the redhead. ‘You gotta jump!’

  ‘No!’ shouted the redhead. ‘You’re gonna pull the blanket away!’

  ‘No,’ replied the firemen. ‘It’s only brunettes we hate, we’re OK with redheads.’

  So the redhead jumped but halfway down the firemen whipped the blanket away, and she was flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

  Finally the blonde stepped to the edge of the roof. Again the firemen yelled: ‘Jump! You have to jump! It’s your only hope!’

  ‘No way!’ shouted the blonde. ‘You’re just gonna pull the blanket away!’

  ‘We promise we won’t,’ replied the firemen. ‘You have to jump. We won’t pull the blanket away this time.’

  ‘Listen,’ said the blonde. ‘Nothing you can say will convince me that you’re not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is, put the blanket down, and back away from it . . .’

  275

  A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a mobile phone. After he had explained to her all the features on the phone, she was absolutely thrilled with the present.

  The next day the blonde was out shopping when her phone rang. It was her husband. ‘Hi, honey,’ he said, ‘how do you like your new phone?’

  ‘I just love it,’ she replied. ‘It’s so compact, and your voice is as clear as a bell. And I love all the different features. There’s just one thing I don’t understand though.’

  ‘What’s that, baby?’ asked the husband.

  ‘How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?’

  276

  Hired as a secretary at an office, a blonde’s first job was to go out for coffee. Eager to impress on her first day, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos, and the coffee shop assistant quickly came over to take her order.

  The blonde asked: ‘Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?’

  The assistant looked at the thermos for a few seconds before replying: ‘Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.’

  ‘Oh, good!’ sighed the blonde in relief. ‘Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.’

  277

  Why do blondes wear underwear? – They make good ankle warmers.

  278

  How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator? – By the lipstick on the cucumber.

  279

  Did you hear about the blonde who was treated in the emergency room for concussion and serious head wounds? – She had tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungee cord.

  280

  What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? – A thought.

  281

  What can save a dying blonde? – Hair transplants.

  282

  Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? – Tits Go In Front.

  283

  A blonde went to a restaurant, bought a coffee, and sat down to drink it. She looked on the side of her cup and found a peel-off prize. Then she pulled off the tab and yelled excitedly: ‘I won! I won! I won a motor home! I won a motor home!’

  The waitress ran over and said: ‘That’s impossible. The biggest prize given away was a DVD player!’

  The blonde insisted: ‘No. I won a motor home, I won a motor home!’

  Hearing the commotion, the manager made his way over to the table and said: ‘You couldn’t possibly have won a motor home because we didn’t have that as a prize!’

  Again the blonde said: ‘There’s no mistake. I won a motor home, I won a motor home! Look, here’s the ticket if you don’t believe me.’

  She handed the prize ticket to the manager, and he read out loud: ‘WIN A BAGEL.’

  284

  A blonde playing Trivial Pursuit threw the dice and landed on a Science and Nature question. The question was: ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’

  After a moment’s thought, she asked: ‘Is the vacuum on or off?’

  285

  A blonde was trying to sell her old car, but was having trouble attracting a buyer because the car had almost 250,000 miles on the clock. One day she was pouring out her problems to a brunette workmate who confided: ‘There is a way of making the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.’

  ‘I don’t mind whether or not it’s legal,’ said the blonde. ‘I just want to sell that damned car.’

  ‘OK,’ said the brunette. ‘Here is the address of a friend of mine who owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he’ll sort it out. After that, you shouldn’t have any difficulty selling your car.’

  The next day, the blonde went to see the mechanic. A few weeks later, she bumped into the brunette at work.

  ‘Did you sell your car?’ asked the brunette.

  ‘No,’ replied the blonde. ‘Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on the clock!’

  286

  What’s the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons? – You can sit upright in a car.

  287

  What’s the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician? – A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

  288

  When a surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.

  ‘Uh, I hadn’t really thought about it,’ replied the surgeon. ‘You’re the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy.’

  289

  Visiting a blonde’s house, her friend asked: ‘Why do you have that huge picture of yourself above the wash basin in the bathroom?’

  The blonde said: ‘My bathroom mirror broke, and I didn’t want to buy a new one.’

  290

  A young blonde went to a gynaecologist and said that she and her husband were desperate to start a family. ‘We’ve been trying for months and I just don’t seem able to get pregnant,’ she said.

  ‘I’m sure we can solve your problem,’ said the gynaecologist. ‘If you’ll just take off your underpants and get up on the examining table.’

  ‘Well, all right,’ said the blonde, blushing, ‘but I’d rather have my husband’s baby.’

  291

  When her husband came home from work, a blonde hugged him and told him excitedly: ‘I’m pregnant. And it’s twins!’

  ‘How do you know it’s twins?’ asked the husband.

  ‘Because,’ she explained, ‘I went to the pharmacy and bought the two-pack pregnancy test kit. And both tests came out positive.’

  292

  The boss asked his blonde secretary why she was late for work. She explained that on her journey to the office she had been first on the scene at a terrible car crash. ‘It was just awful,’ she said. ‘The driver looked to have broken both legs, his passenger had suffered horrific head injuries, and there was blood
everywhere. Thank goodness I took that first aid course. All my training came back to me in a flash.’

  ‘What did you do?’ asked the boss.

  The blonde said: ‘I sat down and put my head between my knees to stop myself from fainting.’

  293

  A furious farmer spotted three girls – a brunette, a redhead and a blonde – helping themselves to his apples and then sneaking into his barn where they hid in three sacks. Wielding a sharp pitchfork, the farmer began searching the barn for the culprits.

  Soon he came to the three sacks. He prodded the first sack, and the brunette went, ‘Miaow.’ So he thought it was just a cat.

  Then he prodded the second sack, and the redhead went, ‘Woof, woof.’ So the farmer thought the sack contained just a dog.

  Finally he prodded the third sack, and the blonde went, ‘Potatoes.’

  294

  A blonde walked into the doctor’s office and said: ‘Did I leave my panties here yesterday?’

  ‘No,’ said the doctor, taken aback. ‘I don’t think so.’

  ‘Damn!’ exclaimed the blonde. ‘I must have left them at the dentist’s.’

  295

  Two blondes were out walking in the park.

  The first said: ‘Look at that dog with one eye.’

  The second covered one of her eyes and said: ‘Where?’

  296

  What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde? – Bucket seats.

  297

  What do blondes use for protection during sex? – Bus shelters.

  298

  What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel? – An air bag.

  299

  Why don’t blondes have elevator jobs? – They can’t remember the route.

  300

  A blonde working in a large company attended a fire safety demonstration in the car park. Issuing instructions on how to operate the extinguisher, the fire official said: ‘Pull the pin like a hand grenade, then depress the trigger to release the foam.’

  The blonde was then selected to demonstrate the procedure, but in her nervousness she forgot to pull the pin.

  Offering a helpful hint, the official said: ‘Like a hand grenade, remember?’

  So she pulled the pin, and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

  301

  Two blondes and a brunette were walking on the beach when a seagull dropped poo on one of the blondes.

  The brunette said: ‘I’ll go and get some toilet paper.’

  When she left, one blonde said to the other: ‘Boy, is she ever stupid! By the time she gets back, that seagull will be miles away.’

  302

  A blonde and two male friends decided to go away on a camping trip to Montana for the weekend. One of the guys was in charge of the tent and the sleeping bags, the other guy was in charge of all the provisions, and the blonde’s only duty was to bring the box of matches for lighting the campfire.

  When they arrived at the camping site, one guy set up the tent while the other prepared to cook supper. But he was having problems lighting the fire with the matches that the blonde had brought.

  ‘I don’t understand,’ said the blonde. ‘They should be fine. I tested them all before we left.’

  303

  Why can’t blondes dial 911? – They can’t find the 11 on the phone.

  304

  What do you call a blonde at university? – A visitor.

  305

  Why did God create blondes? – Because sheep can’t fetch beer from the fridge.

  306

  How do blondes pierce their ears? – They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

  307

  How many blondes does it take to play hide and seek? – One.

  308

  Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane? – She’d just blow dried her hair and didn’t want it blown around too much.

  309

  How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? – She fell out of the tree.

  310

  A police officer stopped a blonde for speeding and asked her politely if he could see her licence. She replied in a huff: ‘I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my licence and then today you expect me to show it to you!’

  311

  Two blondes were decorating a house. One was painting the ceiling while the other painted the walls.

  After a while, the one painting the walls said: ‘Have you got a good grip on your brush?’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘Well, hold on tight. I’m taking away the ladder.’

  312

  On her first visit to Washington, DC, a blonde was keen to visit the Capitol building. Unable to find it, she asked a police officer for directions.

  ‘Wait here at this bus stop for bus number 54,’ he said. ‘It’ll take you right there.’

  Three hours later, he saw her still waiting at the bus stop. ‘I said to wait for bus number 54. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?’

  The blonde said: ‘Don’t worry, it won’t be long now. The 47th bus just went by.’

  313

  The blondes at university were fed up with not fitting in. Tired of the other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos, they yearned for a place where they felt they actually belonged. So they pressured the administration to set up a new department especially for them. Eventually the university agreed, and established the Blonde Education Department.

  The blondes were delighted to have a department of their own where they could meet without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. To emphasize their new status to the other students and to prove that they weren’t merely brainless bimbos, they even designed their own sweatshirts. So now the blondes all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department, which sports the words: ‘I Belong in B.E.D.’

  314

  Why do blondes wear green lipstick? – Red means stop.

  315

  What’s the difference between a blonde and a limousine? – Not everyone has been in a limousine.

  316

  What do you call a fly buzzing around a blonde’s head? – A space invader.

  317

  A blonde bought a box of laundry detergent, which said on the box ‘20 uses’. The next day she phoned the laundry detergent company to complain.

  ‘Listen,’ she said, ‘I bought your product and the box says ‘20 uses’, but all it does is my laundry!’

  318

  Two blondes were playing golf on a foggy day. When they reached the green on a short par-3, they found that one ball was in the hole while the other was sitting about five feet from the flag. Since both were playing with the same make of ball, they couldn’t work out whose ball was in the hole and whose was on the green, so they went to the club professional to ask for a ruling.

  After hearing the blondes’ story and congratulating them on such fine shots in adverse conditions, he said: ‘OK. So which of you was playing with the red ball?’

  319

  A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognising a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds. ‘This is your suspect,’ he said. ‘How would you recognize him?’

  The blonde answered: ‘That’s easy. We’ll catch him real fast because he only has one eye.’

  The policeman looked at her in disbelief. ‘Er, that’s because the picture showed his profile.’

  Hoping for a more sensible reply, he then flashed the picture to the second blonde and said: ‘This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?’

  The second blonde giggled, flicked her hair and said: ‘Ha! He’d be so easy to catch because he only has one ear.’

  The policeman reacted angrily. ‘What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?’

  Beyond
frustration, he then showed the picture to the third blonde for five seconds and said testily: ‘This is your suspect. How would you recognise him? And think hard before giving me a stupid answer.’

  The blonde said: ‘Hmmm. The suspect wears contact lenses.’

  The policeman was taken aback by her answer, partly because he had no idea whether the suspect wore contact lenses or not. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘that’s certainly an interesting reply. Wait here a minute while I check his file to find out if you’re right.’

  After checking the suspect’s file on the computer, he came back with a huge grin on his face. ‘Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s true. The suspect does wear contact lenses. Great work! You’ve clearly got what it takes to become a detective. Tell me, how were you able to make such an astute observation?’

 

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