‘It was obvious,’ the blonde replied. ‘He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.’
320
What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? – ‘Way to go, team!’
321
What’s the difference between a blonde and a roll of film? – A roll of film can be developed.
322
A blonde hairdresser told her psychiatrist: ‘I’m on the road a lot, and my clients keep complaining that they can never reach me.’
‘Don’t you have a phone in your car?’ asked the psychiatrist.
‘It was too expensive to install,’ said the blonde. ‘So I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.’
The psychiatrist was baffled. ‘Er . . . and how exactly does that work?’
‘Actually,’ said the blonde, ‘I haven’t received any letters yet.’
‘And why do you think that is?’ asked the psychiatrist.
‘Well,’ said the blonde, ‘I figure it’s because when I’m driving around, my zip code keeps changing.’
323
Three blondes bought a can of Pepsi One and were anxious to try it for the first time. The first blonde opened the can, and the second blonde poured it into three glasses. The third blonde eyed the glasses suspiciously and said: ‘I wonder which one has the calorie?’
324
A virile, young Italian stallion met a spectacular blonde in a bar in Rome. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love. Thirty minutes of passion later, he asked with a smile: ‘So . . . you finish?’
She paused for a second, frowned and replied: ‘No.’
Surprised, the young man resumed his love making with renewed vigour. This time she thrashed about wildly and screamed with ecstasy. Twenty minutes later, when she began to calm down, the young man smiled again and asked: ‘You finish?’
Pulling him close, she whispered: ‘No.’
Stunned, but damned if she was going to outlast him, he summoned his last few ounces of strength and began pumping away again. A few minutes later they climaxed simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, he fell onto his back, gasping for air. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again: ‘You finish?’
Equally out of breath, she puffed in his ear: ‘No! I Norwegian.’
325
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? – They think their picture is being taken.
326
How do you brainwash a blonde? – Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
327
What did the blonde say to the physicist? – Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?
328
Why can’t blondes make ice cubes? – They forget the recipe.
329
How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up? – Shine a torch into her ear.
330
Why did the blonde roast a chicken for three and a half days? – The instructions said ‘cook it for half an hour per pound’, and she weighed 125.
331
A blonde was enjoying a drink at her friend’s house late one evening when it started to rain heavily. As the weather deteriorated further, the friend said to the blonde: ‘Why don’t you stay here for the night and go home in the morning?’
At this, the blonde rushed out the door, only to return an hour later, soaking wet and carrying a small bag.
‘Where did you run off to?’ asked the friend.
The blonde replied: ‘I went home to get my pyjamas.’
332
Two blondes were waiting at a bus stop. A bus pulled up, and one of the blondes asked the driver: ‘Will this bus take me to the train station?’
‘No, sorry,’ said the driver.
The other blonde smiled and said: ‘Will it take me?’
333
‘Did you hear what happened?’ asked Jack when he met Phil in the corridor at work.
‘No,’ said Phil.
‘The CEO died this morning.’
‘My God! How?’
‘Well, he was working through lunch when he had a heart attack. Everyone was gone except his secretary – you know the one.’
‘Boy, do I! She’s that young blonde babe.’
‘Yeah, that’s the one. Turns out that she isn’t too smart, though.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘He kept yelling at her to “call 911”. And she just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number.’
334
A blonde went to the hospital to donate blood. The nurse asked. ‘What type are you?’
The blonde replied: ‘I’m an outgoing cat-lover.’
335
Did you hear about the blonde New Yorker who arranged to meet her friend at the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk?
336
Did you hear about the blonde who thought Doris Day was a national holiday?
337
Three women – a blonde, a brunette and a redhead – worked in an office with the same female boss. Each day the boss left work early, so finally the three decided that they would do the same. The brunette was thrilled to leave early so that she could get home and play with her baby son. The redhead was thrilled to leave early so that she could go to the gym. And the blonde was thrilled to leave early so that she could get home and surprise her husband. But when she got home she heard muffled noises coming from her bedroom. Slowly she opened the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss. Gently she closed the door and crept back out of the house.
The next day at coffee break, the brunette and the redhead said they were planning to leave early again and they asked the blonde whether she was going to do the same.
‘No way,’ replied the blonde. ‘I almost got caught yesterday!’
338
A blonde walked into a bank to withdraw money. The bank clerk asked: ‘Can you identify yourself?’
The blonde opened her handbag, looked in a mirror and said: ‘Yes, it’s definitely me.’
339
Two bowling teams – one all blondes, the other all brunettes – hired a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Denver. The brunette team rode on the bottom deck of the bus while the blondes travelled on the top level. The brunette team were having a great time, laughing and joking, until one of them realized that it was totally silent upstairs where the blondes were sitting. So she decided to go upstairs and investigate. There, she found all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and gripping the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
‘What the heck’s going on up here?’ asked the brunette. ‘We’re having a grand time downstairs.’
One of the blondes looked up and said: ‘Yeah, but you’ve got a driver!’
340
A blonde was summoned to appear as a witness in a court case. The prosecutor asked her: ‘Where were you on the night of April 9th?’
‘Objection!’ said the defence attorney. ‘Irrelevant!’
‘Oh, that’s OK,’ said the blonde from the witness stand. ‘I don’t mind answering the question.’
‘I object!’ said the defence again.
‘No, really,’ said the blonde. ‘I’ll answer.’
The judge ruled: ‘If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defence to object.’
‘I demand an adjournment!’ said the defence attorney.
‘Very well,’ said the judge wearily. ‘The court will adjourn for fifteen minutes while I sort this matter out with the two attorneys.’
Fifteen minutes later, the court reconvened, and the judge began ‘As I ruled earlier, if the witness is happy to answer the question, the defence has no right to object in law. So the prosecution may ask the question.’
‘Thank you, your honour,’ said the prosecutor.
Turning to the witness stand, he asked once more: ‘Where were you on the night of April 9th?’
The blonde replied brightly: ‘I don’t know.’
341
What’s the difference between a blonde and a pair of sunglasses? – The sunglasses sit higher on your face.
342
Why did the blonde try to steal a police car? – She saw ‘911’ and thought it was a Porsche.
343
What’s the similarity between a blonde and dog poo? – The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
344
What’s the similarity between blondes and carpenters? – They both have saws in their boxes.
345
Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed? – She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
346
What’s blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette . . . ? – A blonde doing cart-wheels.
347
A young ventriloquist touring the clubs stopped to entertain at a small town bar. He was going through his usual routine of blonde jokes when a busty blonde woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and shouted out:
‘OK, jerk, I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who prevent women like me from being respected at work and in my community, from reaching my full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to discriminate against not only blondes but women as a whole . . . and all in the name of humour.’
Flustered, the ventriloquist began to apologize, but the blonde interrupted angrily: ‘You stay out of this, mister, I’m talking to that little fucker on your knee!’
348
A brunette and her blonde sister inherited a farm. One day the brunette was attending a large agricultural show when she spotted the ideal bull for the farm. She just about had enough money to buy it but, because she hadn’t brought the animal trailer and the dealer was unable to deliver, she faced a problem with transporting the beast home. The phone wasn’t working, so she went to the telegraph office to send a message telling her sister to drive over with the trailer. However the telegraph office charged one dollar per word, and the brunette discovered that she only had one dollar left.
After thinking for a moment, she told the telegraph operator to send the message ‘comfortable’.
‘Just “comfortable”?’ queried the operator. ‘How’s that going to tell your sister to hitch a trailer to her car and pick up a bull?’
The brunette replied: ‘She’s blonde. She’ll read it slowly.’
349
What did the blonde say to her swimming instructor? – Will I really drown if you take your finger out?
350
Why is a blonde like a doorknob? – Because everyone gets a turn.
351
What job does a blonde have in an M&M factory? – Proofreading.
352
Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory? – For throwing out the Ws.
353
Why do blondes use tampons with long strings? – So the crabs can go bungee jumping.
354
A blonde was driving along the highway when she was pulled over by a police patrol car. The officer stepped out of the car and said: ‘You’ve been driving erratically, ma’am. I’m afraid I’m going to have to give you a breathalyser test to determine whether you’re under the influence of alcohol.’
So she did the test and he studied the result. ‘Hmm,’ he said, ‘it looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.’
The blonde blushed. ‘You mean it shows that too?’
355
A blonde arrived home to find that her house had been burgled. She immediately called the cops who sent the nearest patrol in the area, which happened to be a dog handler. Seeing the cop and his dog approach the house, the blonde suddenly burst into tears.
‘What’s up?’ asked the cop.
The blonde sobbed: ‘I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!’
356
After stopping at a gas station, a blonde had just paid at the cash desk when she realized that she had locked her keys in the car. So she asked the attendant for a coat hanger in the hope of opening the car door that way. The attendant gave her a hanger and she took it outside. Ten minutes later, he went out to the car to see how she was doing. He found her crouched down by the door, carefully manoeuvring the hanger through a crack in the driver’s window, while her blonde friend in the passenger seat was saying: ‘A bit more to the left, down a little, a bit more to the right . . .’
357
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest tits? – The blonde, because she’s 18.
358
A brunette said to a blonde, ‘Look! A dead bird!’ And the blonde looked up and said, ‘Where?’
359
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were about to be consigned either to heaven or hell. They had to walk up one hundred stairs but on each stair God told a joke, and if they laughed they went to hell. The brunette got as far as the 39th stair when she laughed and was sent straight to hell. The redhead reached the 81st stair when she, too, laughed and was sent to hell. The blonde got all the way to heaven but then she suddenly burst out laughing.
‘Why are you laughing?’ demanded God.
The blonde replied: ‘I just got the first one!’
BLOW JOBS
360
A young guy dropped his girlfriend off at her home after their date. When they reached the front door, he leaned up against the house with one hand and said: ‘How about a blow job?’
‘No way!’ she said.
‘I’ll be quick,’ he promised.
‘No, it’s too public,’ she insisted.
‘Oh, come on,’ he pleaded, ‘I know you enjoy it as much as I do.’
‘I said no.’
Suddenly the girl’s younger sister appeared at the door, wearing her nightgown and rubbing her bleary eyes. She said: ‘Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he’ll come downstairs and blow the guy himself – but for God’s sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!’
361
Why did God give women foreheads? – So you would have something to kiss after you blow in their mouth.
362
What’s the similarity between walking a tightrope and getting a blow job from an eighty-year-old woman? – In both cases you don’t really want to look down.
363
Back in the old days in Texas, three people were travelling in a stagecoach: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back east, and an elegant Texas lady. The city slicker kept eyeing the lady until he leaned forward and said, ‘Lady, I’ll give you three dollars for a blow job.’
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol and shot the city slicker dead. The lady gasped and said: ‘Thank you, sir, for defendin’ mah honour.’
Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said: ‘To hell with your honour! No tenderfoot from back east is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!’
364
A guy went up to a hooker and asked: ‘How much for a blow job?’
‘$100,’ said the hooker.
He tried to get her to lower her price, but she wouldn’t budge, so he agreed to pay the full amount. Then he started jacking off.
‘What are you doing that for?’ she asked.
He said: ‘For a hundred bucks, do you think I’m gonna give you the easy one?’
365
A redneck teenager was walking downtown when a girl whispered to him: ‘Blow job, five dollars.’ He gave her a strange look and kept walking. Soon another girl did the same thing. Confused, he kept walking. When he got home, he asked: �
��Mom, what’s a blow job?’
His mother replied: ‘Five dollars, just like downtown.’
366
Returning from the men’s room, a bar customer was shaking his head in despair.
‘What’s the problem?’ asked the bartender.
‘While I was in the washroom back there, I noticed among the scribblings on the wall, one that said: “Wendy give fabulous head – absolutely the greatest B.J. in the whole world!” ’
‘Aw, buddy, I wouldn’t give it a second thought – we get jerks in here all the time.’
‘I know. One of them has scratched out the phone number.’
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 10