Abraham Lincoln’s spirit answered: ‘Visit the theatre.’
424
George W. Bush was waiting in an airport lobby when he noticed a man in a long white flowing robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
Bush approached the man and said: ‘Aren’t you Moses?’
The man ignored Bush and stared at the ceiling.
Bush persisted and said: ‘It is Moses, isn’t it?’
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
Then Bush tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again: ‘You are Moses, aren’t you?’
Finally the man broke his silence, replying irritably: ‘Yes, I am.’
‘So why have you been ignoring me?’
‘Because,’ explained Moses, ‘the last time I spoke to a Bush, I had to spend forty years in the desert.’
425
Why does George W. Bush keep his fly open? – In case he needs to count to eleven.
426
A stranger walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as George W. Bush appeared on television. After a few sips, he looked up at the TV set and mumbled: ‘Now, there’s the biggest horse’s ass I’ve ever seen.’
At this, a customer at the end of the bar stood up, walked over to the stranger and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the stranger was finishing his beer, Bush’s wife also appeared on TV. ‘She’s a horse’s ass, too,’ muttered the stranger.
This time, a customer from the other end of the bar stood up, marched over to the stranger and shoved him off his stool.
‘Damn it!’said the stranger, getting to his feet. ‘This must be Bush country!’
‘Nope,’ said the bartender. ‘Horse country!’
427
What were George W. Bush’s three hardest years? – Second grade.
428
George W. Bush went to a primary school to talk about the war in Iraq. At the end of his talk, he asked whether there were any questions.
One little boy put up his hand.
‘What is your name?’ asked the President.
‘Billy.’
‘Right. What is your question, Billy?’
‘I have three questions,’ said the boy. ‘First, why haven’t you found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? Second, why were you elected President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?’
Just then the bell rang for break. Bush informed the children that they would continue the session after the break. When they resumed. Bush said: ‘OK, where were we? Oh, that’s right, question time. Who has a question?’
A different little boy put up his hand, and the President asked his name.
‘Bradley,’ said the boy.
‘Right, what is your question, Bradley?’
‘I have five questions,’ said Bradley. ‘First, why haven’t you found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? Second, why were you elected President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the bell for break go twenty minutes early? Fifth, what happened to Billy?’
429
George W. Bush went to the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: ‘Mr President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side.’
Bush interrupted: ‘But that’s normal, isn’t it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?’
‘Yes, Mr President,’ continued the doctor. ‘But your brain is extremely unusual because on the left side there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left.’
430
George W. Bush confided to Dick Cheney: ‘You know, I really hate all those jokes people tell about me, making out that I’m stupid.’
‘Don’t worry,’ said Cheney. ‘Jokes can’t hurt you. They are just made up by a bunch of stupid people. In fact, most of the people on this planet are incredibly stupid. Watch, and I’ll show you what I mean.’
Cheney then stepped outside the White House, hailed a cab, handed the driver a note and said: ‘Take me to this address and see if I’m home.’
Without querying the request, the cab driver took them to the address scribbled on the note. Cheney then got out, rang the doorbell, returned to the car and said to the driver: ‘Damn! I guess I’m not at home! Take us back to where we started, please.’
Without a word, the cabbie did as he was told and dropped the pair back outside the White House. As they stepped out of the cab, Cheney said to Bush: ‘See what I mean? People are idiots wherever you go! Don’t pay any attention to their opinions.’
‘Thanks, Dick,’ said Bush. ‘I feel a lot better. And boy, was that cabbie ever stupid! He picked us up right in front of a phone booth. He should have realized you could have called home instead.’
431
A woman bought a car with a voice-activated radio. When she said ‘rock’, it automatically switched to a rock music station: when she said ‘classical’, it automatically switched to a classical music station, and so on.
One day she was driving along when a van pulled out in front of her, causing her to brake sharply. ‘Asshole,’ she yelled. And the radio switched automatically to George W. Bush’s press conference.
432
On the way to Air Force One, George W. Bush and his driver were passing a farm when a pig suddenly jumped out into the road. The driver tried to swerve, but couldn’t help ploughing into the pig. He went to the farm to explain what had happened, and emerged five minutes later clutching a beer, a cigar and a stack of money.
Seeing this. Bush asked the driver: ‘What on earth did you tell them?’
The driver replied: ‘I told them I’m George W. Bush’s driver and I just killed the pig.’
433
George W. Bush and Tony Blair were sitting in a bar when another guest arrived and asked them what they were talking about.
‘We’re planning for World War Three,’ announced Bush.
‘Oh, dear,’ said the guest. ‘What are you going to do?’
Bush replied: ‘We are planning to kill 1,500,000 Muslims and one IS consultant.’
The guest was mystified. ‘An IS consultant? Why in heaven’s name are you going to kill an IS consultant?’
Bush patted Blair on the shoulder and exclaimed jubilantly: ‘I told you! No one is going to ask about the Muslims.’
CALIFORNIA
You might be from Los Angeles if:
434
You’ve inadvertently learned Spanish.
435
Your pizza delivery guy is also on contract with Warner Bros.
436
You have a gym membership because it’s mandatory.
437
Your favourite TV show is interrupted by a police chase.
438
You drive to any destination more than five minutes away on foot.
439
Your co-worker says she has eight body piercings . . . and none are visible.
440
You know someone named Freedom, Rainbow or Destiny.
441
You’ve been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
442
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
443
Your best friends just named their twins after her acting coach and his personal trainer.
444
You can’t fall asleep without the lull of a helicopter flying overhead.
445
How many Los Angeles Police Department officers does it take to beat the hell out of a gang member? – None, he fell down.
446
What is an LA cop’s favourite sandwich? – Truncheon meat.
447
An LA cop pulled over a car being driven by two black guys. No sooner had the driver wound down his window than the cop
hit him across the face with his flashlight.
‘Hey, what was that for?’ asked the driver.
‘I expect you to have your licence and registration ready when I come to your window. Got it?’
The driver produced his licence and registration and handed the documents to the cop. The officer checked the details before returning them to the driver. Just as the driver was about to wind up his window, the cop hit him again.
‘Ow!’ yelled the driver. ‘What the hell was that for?’
‘I expect you to say “thank you”,’ snarled the cop.
The shaken driver quickly said ‘thank you’, and wound up his window. The cop then walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window. When the passenger rolled down his window, the cop hit him over the head.
‘Why did you do that?’ shouted the passenger.
‘I was making your wish come true,’ said the cop.
‘What do you mean?’
The cop sneered: ‘A hundred yards down the road you’d have turned to your buddy and said: “I wish that son-of-a-bitch had tried that shit with me.’
448
How do you know when a relationship gets serious in California? – They take you to meet their Tarot Card reader.
449
Two little girls – Chelsea and Harley – were in the lunchroom of a Beverly Hills elementary school.
‘Guess what?’ said Chelsea. ‘My mommy’s getting married again, so I’m going to have a new daddy.’
‘Who’s she marrying?’ asked Harley.
‘Karl Wilkinson,’ said Chelsea. ‘He’s a famous Hollywood actor.’
‘Oh, you’ll like him,’ said Harley. ‘He was my daddy last year.’
450
Why don’t blondes wear miniskirts in San Francisco? – Because their balls hang down below their hemlines.
451
A Californian tourist asked the guide: ‘Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?’
452
A Californian tourist visited England and joined a group on an excursion to Runnymede. The guide explained: ‘This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.’
‘When did that happen?’ asked the Californian.
‘1215,’ answered the guide.
The Californian looked at his watch and sighed: ‘Damn! Just missed it by half an hour!’
453
Two black guys were walking down a street in Los Angeles when they were hit by a police car driven by a drunken cop. One guy was thrown through the windscreen and his buddy was sent hurtling down an embankment. The first was charged with breaking and entering, and the second was charged with leaving the scene of an accident.
CAMELS
454
A guy was riding through the desert on a camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt an urgent need to have sex. Since there were no women in the desert, he turned to his camel and tried to position himself to have sex with the animal, but the camel ran off. The man ran as fast as he could in the blistering heat to catch the camel, climbed back on and they set off on their journey again.
Soon the urge to have sex returned, so again he turned to his camel but the horrified beast ran off once more. He managed to catch it and together they continued their trek through the desert. Finally at the end of the vast wilderness, they came to a road and there in a broken down car were three beautiful, busty young blondes.
The sex-starved man went over and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said: ‘If you fix our car, we will do anything you want.’
Luckily he knew a fair bit about cars and quickly fixed it. When he finished, the three girls asked: ‘How can we ever repay you?’
The man thought for a moment, then said: ‘Could you hold my camel?’
455
What’s invisible and smells like camels? – Camel farts.
456
An American tourist in Egypt got chatting to a man in a bar.
‘What do you do for a living?’ asked the tourist.
‘I’m a camel castrator.’
‘Wow!’ exclaimed the tourist. ‘How do you castrate a camel?’
The man explained: ‘You go behind him and spread his legs. Then you take a big rock in each hand and smack his testicles between the rocks.’
‘That must really hurt,’ winced the tourist.
‘Not if you keep your thumbs out of the way.’
CANADIANS
457
Two guys who were best friends had both recently got divorced and the experience had left them so bitter that they vowed never to have anything to do with women again. To start a new life away from women, they decided to move up to the far north of Canada. There, they went into a trader’s store and said: ‘Give us enough supplies to last two men for a year.’
The trader assembled the gear and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a fur-lined hole in it.
‘What’s the board for?’ asked the guys.
The trader said: ‘Well, where you’re going, there are no women and you might need this.’
‘No way!’ they chorused. ‘We’ve sworn off women for life!’
The trader said: ‘Well, take the boards with you anyway, and if you don’t use them, I’ll refund your money next year.’
The guys agreed and off they went.
A year later one of them entered the same store and said: ‘Give me enough supplies to last one man for a year.’
The trader said: ‘Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?’
‘Yeah,’ said the guy.
‘Where is he?’ asked the trader.
‘I killed him – I caught him in bed with my board.’
458
Why don’t Canadians have group sex? – Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.
459
Two Canadian men were sitting around the house bored. Then one suggested: ‘Why don’t we play Twenty Questions? I’ll think of the first subject.’
He thought for a few seconds and came up with the subject ‘moose cock’.
‘OK,’ he said, ‘Ask me the first question.’
His friend began: ‘Is it something you can eat?’
‘I guess you could eat it.’
‘Is it a moose cock?’
Signs That You Might Be Canadian:
460
You design your Hallowe’en costume to fit over a snowsuit.
461
You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.
462
You own five pairs of hockey skates and only one pair of shoes.
463
You say ‘no big deal’ to a sidewalk cyclist who’s just knocked you down.
464
You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightdress with only eight buttons.
465
You dismiss all beers under six per cent as ‘for children and the elderly’.
466
You get excited whenever a US TV show mentions Canada.
467
You find Kentucky Fried Chicken ‘a bit too spicy’.
468
You think driving is better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
469
You have ten favourite recipes for moose meat.
470
You say, ‘Sure it’s 33 below, but it’s a dry cold.’
471
Why do Canadians screw doggie-style? – So both can watch the hockey game.
472
A guy was driving along the highway towards Edmonton when he spotted a pretty girl standing by the side of the road. As the driver slowed down to offer her a lift, a huge Canadian suddenly stepped out into the middle of the road and dragged him from the car. Before the driver could make sense of what was happening, the burly Canadian had issued a grim order:
‘Have a wank or I’ll kill you.’
; The driver realized he had no choice and, using the pretty girl as his inspiration, managed to jerk himself off quickly. But just as he thought this bizarre ordeal would be over, the Canadian barked:
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 12