‘Have another wank or I’ll kill you.’
Even with the pretty hitch-hiker in his line of vision, it was tough going a second time, but he managed it and afterwards headed for the car. But before he could reach the door, the mountainous Canadian had grabbed him again and demanded:
‘Have another wank or I’ll kill you.’
The driver tried to protest but the menacing look on the Canadian’s face told him that reason was pointless. So for the third time the guy set about jerking himself off. He could just see the pretty girl beyond the car, but it took him twenty-five minutes to come, at the end of which he collapsed exhausted into the dirt.
The Canadian immediately hauled him to his feet. ‘Right,’ he rasped. ‘Now you can give my daughter a lift to Edmonton.’
473
Why does a Canadian cross the road? – To get to the middle.
474
A young couple headed up to the wilds of Canada for a romantic weekend. The guy went off to chop wood but returned after twenty minutes, complaining that his hands were cold.
‘That’s OK,’ said his girlfriend. ‘You can warm them between my thighs.’
So he slipped his icy hands between her warm thighs before going back to his wood chopping. A few minutes later he was back again, complaining that his hands were cold. Once more, she let him warm them between her thighs before he resumed his work in the forest. Five minutes later, he returned again.
‘My hands are so cold,’ he said. ‘Can I warm them between your thighs?’
His girlfriend glared at him: ‘Don’t your ears ever get cold?’
475
In Canada there are only two seasons – six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
476
What’s the definition of a Canadian? – A disarmed American with health care.
477
Seeing two dogs mating, an embarrassed Canadian teacher tried to explain it to her young students.
‘You see,’ she said, ‘the dog on top hurt his paw, and the one underneath is taking him to the doctor.’
‘Oh, I get it,’ said one student. ‘Just like in the US: try to help somebody and they screw you every time!’
478
When a Canadian thinks of hell, he wonders what the heating bill must be.
479
A girl sat sobbing in a police station. ‘I was raped by a Canadian,’ she wailed.
‘How do you know it was a Canadian?’ asked the officer.
‘Because I had to help him.’
480
What do you call a Canadian who moves to America and becomes an international celebrity through movies, music or sport? – An American.
CANNIBALS
481
At the site of a plane crash deep in a wooded valley, the lone survivor sat chewing on a bone. As he tossed it onto a huge pile of bones, the rescue team arrived.
‘Thank heavens!’ he cried out in relief. ‘I am saved!’
The rescue team did not respond. Instead their eyes were fixed in horror at the pile of human bones beside this solitary survivor. It was clear that he had eaten all his fellow passengers.
Seeing the stunned expressions on the rescuers’ faces, the survivor hung his head in shame. ‘You can’t judge me for this,’ he insisted. ‘What else was I supposed to do? I had to eat. Is it so wrong to want to live?’
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief, and said: ‘I won’t judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but good heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!’
482
When do cannibals leave the table? – When everyone’s eaten.
483
Why do cannibals like Jehovah’s Witnesses? – They’re free delivery.
484
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his sister in the street?
485
Did you hear about the cannibal who went on a diet? – He only ate midgets.
486
Did you hear about the cannibal policeman who was arrested? – He was caught grilling his suspects.
487
Did you hear about the cannibal who ate his mother-in-law? – She still didn’t agree with him.
488
Three cannibals were given jobs with an international corporation, but only on condition that they didn’t eat any of the other staff. For six months there were no problems, but then their boss called them into his office and told them that an office cleaner had gone missing. As obvious suspects, the cannibals were sacked on the spot.
As they collected their things, the cannibal leader asked the other two: ‘Which of you fools ate the cleaner?’
One raised his hand sheepishly.
‘You idiot!’ said the leader. ‘For months we’ve been feasting on project managers, team leaders and human resources staff, then you go and eat someone they’ll actually miss!’
489
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? – He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.
490
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?
491
Two missionaries were captured by a tribe of cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, lit a huge fire beneath it, and left them to boil. After a few minutes, one of the missionaries began to laugh uncontrollably.
‘What’s wrong with you?’ asked his colleague angrily. ‘We’re being boiled alive! They’re gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?’
The other missionary said: ‘I’ve just crapped in the soup!’
CATS
492
You are putting up shelves.
The dog thinks: ‘Master, I don’t know what you’re doing but it looks fantastic and I love you.’
The cat thinks: ‘Wanker. He’s not read the instructions, he’s using alien keys instead of the self-tapping screws, and that hinge is upside down.’
493
What do you do if a cat spits at you? – Turn the grill down.
CHICAGO
494
Told that he was being transferred to Chicago, a Seattle office worker said he would rather quit his job than move there.
‘What’s the problem?’ asked his boss. ‘You’ll be getting a big salary increase and much improved benefits. I thought you’d jump at the chance.’
‘It’s the crime rate,’ explained the worker. ‘I just wouldn’t feel safe taking my wife and kids to such a violent city.’
‘That’s nonsense,’ said the boss. ‘Chicago is a fantastic city, steeped in history, with great museums, excellent public transport, and it’s close to Canada. I myself worked in Chicago for ten years, and in all that time I never had a problem with crime.’
‘What did you do there?’
‘I was tail-gunner on a bread truck.’
495
A woman from Chicago attended a party in New York where the hostess was determined to make her mid-west guest feel cheap and unimportant.
‘My dear,’ said the New York matron snobbishly, ‘here in the east we think breeding is everything.’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the Chicago woman. ‘Where I come from we think it’s fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well.’
496
A guy was knocking back the drinks in a Chicago bar so fast that the man on the next barstool asked him what the problem was.
The first guy said: ‘I’m drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week.’
‘She sounds like an angel,’ said the second man. ‘I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself.’
‘No,’ said the first guy. ‘I strangled her.’
CHILDREN
/> 497
Little Jenny came home from playing at Dean’s house and called out: ‘Hey, mom, guess what! Dean’s got a penis like a peanut!’
Her mother was understandably confused for a second, then queried: ‘What, you mean it’s shaped like a peanut?’
‘No, silly . . . it tastes salty!’
498
Finding her young son scooping ice cream in the kitchen, a mother raged: ‘Dinner is going to be ready soon. Put that ice cream away, and go and play.’
‘But, mom,’ wailed the child, ‘there’s no one to play with.’
‘OK,’ said the mother wearily. ‘I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?’
‘Let’s play mommy and daddy. You go upstairs and lie on the bed.’
So the mother went upstairs and lay on the bed. The boy put on his father’s fishing hat, lit up one of his cigars, went upstairs and opened the bedroom door.
Seeing him standing there, the mother asked: ‘Now what do I do?’
The boy answered: ‘Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream!’
499
How do you stop kids from bed-wetting? – Give them an electric blanket.
500
Two poor kids went to a birthday party at a rich kid’s house. The birthday boy was so rich that he had his own swimming pool and all the kids went in. As they were changing afterwards, one of the poor kids said to the other one: ‘Did you notice how small the rich kid’s penis was?’
‘Yeah,’ said his mate. ‘It’s probably because he’s got toys to play with.’
501
A young boy came home from school with a sofa slung across his back and carrying two armchairs. His father said crossly: ‘I told you not to accept suites from strangers.’
502
One day, two very loving parents got into a huge fight, in the course of which the man called the woman a ‘bitch’, and she called him a ‘bastard’. Their young son walked in at the height of the row and asked: ‘What do bitch and bastard mean?’
Embarrassed by their appalling behaviour, the parents explained: ‘It means “ladies and gentlemen”.’
By the next day the parents had made up, and decided to have sex. The woman said ‘feel my titties’ and the man said ‘feel my dick’. When their son walked in and asked what titties and dick meant, they replied: ‘Hats and coats.’
On Thanksgiving the Dad was shaving when he cut himself. ‘Shit!’ he exclaimed. When the kid came in and asked what ‘shit’ meant, the father covered up his bad language by saying it was the brand of shaving cream he was using.
Meanwhile downstairs the mother, while preparing the turkey, also cut herself. ‘Fuck!’ she exclaimed. Once again the kid asked what the word meant, and the mother pretended that it was her word for stuffing the turkey.
Moments later, the doorbell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and announced loudly: ‘All right, you bitches and bastards, put your titties and dicks in the closet, my Dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and Mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.’
503
A woman saw a small boy leaning against a wall smoking a cigarette and taking swigs from a bottle of scotch.
‘Shouldn’t you be at school?’ she asked.
‘School?’ said the boy. ‘No way. I’m only four!’
504
A five-year-old boy came crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair.
‘Don’t be angry,’ said the mother. ‘Your baby sister doesn’t realize that pulling hair hurts.’
A few minutes later, there was more crying, and the mother went to investigate. This time the baby was crying, and her brother said: ‘Don’t worry, mom, she knows now.’
505
Why do little boys whine? – Because they’re practising to be men.
506
A little girl came running into the house in tears.
‘Mummy, I need a glass of cider. Quick!’
‘Why?’ asked her mother.
‘Because I cut my hand on a thorn and I want the pain to go away.’
The mother reached for the bottle, but was still puzzled by the request. ‘What makes you think this will work?’ she said.
‘Because I overheard my big sister saying that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can’t wait to get it in cider.’
507
On a visit to his sister, who was married to a poor farmer, a young man had to share a room with his six-year-old nephew. When the young man entered the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking he was in prayer, he decided to follow his example and knelt at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.
The boy asked: ‘What are you doing?’
‘The same as you,’ replied the young man.
‘Well, ma’s gonna be mad. The pot’s on this side.’
CHINESE JOKES
508
A Chinese man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. After sex, he suddenly ran to the window, took a deep breath, dived under the bed, climbed out the other side and started screwing her again. This happened four times. During the fifth encore, the hooker was so impressed by his stamina that she decided to try his routine for herself. So when he had finished, she ran to the window, took a deep breath, dived under the bed . . . and found four Chinese men.
509
A garbage collector was going along the street emptying the wheelie bins. At one house the bin hadn’t been left out, so he knocked on the door. Eventually a Chinese man answered the door breathlessly.
‘Where’s ya bin?’ asked the garbage collector.
‘I bin on toiret,’ said the Chinese man, bemused.
‘No, mate,’ said the collector, ‘you don’t understand. Where’s ya dustbin?’
‘I told you,’ replied the Chinese man, ‘I dust bin on toiret.’
‘No, listen,’ said the collector, trying to explain: ‘Where’s ya wheelie bin?’
‘OK,’ said the Chinese guy. ‘I wheelie bin having wank.’
510
What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a Chinese man? – A car thief who can’t drive.
511
A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked the eldest daughter what kind of man she wanted to marry. She said: ‘I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest.’
Then he asked his second daughter the same question. She replied: ‘I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest.’
Finally he asked the same question to his youngest daughter. She answered: ‘I would like to marry a man with one draggin’ on the ground.’
512
After an evening of drinking, a guy and his Chinese girlfriend ended up in his bedroom.
‘What do you want to do?’ she asked. ‘I’m up for anything.’
‘Well, in that case,’ he whispered, ‘what I’d really like is a 69.’
‘Forget it,’ she said. ‘There’s no way I’m cooking chicken chow mein at this time of night!’
513
A beautiful PA to a leading New York banker was given the task of entertaining an important Chinese client on his visit to the Big Apple. The evening went so well that at the end of it, much to her surprise, the client asked her to marry him.
Remembering what her boss had told her about not hurting the client’s feelings at any cost, she decided not to reject him outright. So she tried to think of a way of dissuading the little man from wanting to marry her. After a few moments’ thought, she announced: ‘I will only agree to marry you on three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to have a huge diamond with a matching diamond tiara.’
The Chinese man nodded his head enthusiastically. ‘No problem. I buy. I buy.’
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, she then said: ‘Second, I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle
of champagne country in France.’
The Chinese man paused to think for a while. Then he whipped out his mobile phone, called brokers in New York and France before nodding to the woman: ‘OK. I build. I build.’
Aware that she had just one condition left, the PA knew she had better make it a really tough one. So she said: ‘Since I simply adore to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a twelve-inch penis.’
The little Chinese man looked distraught, and sank to his knees, all the while muttering to himself in his native tongue. Finally, shaking his head in despair, he said to the woman. ‘All right. I cut. I cut.’
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 13