576
Saddam Hussein virus – won’t let you into any of your programs
577
Monica Lewinsky virus – sucks all the memory out of your computer
578
Ellen DeGeneres virus – your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC
579
Oprah Winfrey virus – your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB
580
Titanic virus – makes your whole computer go down
581
Disney virus – everything in the computer goes Goofy
582
Ronald Reagan virus – saves your data, but forgets where it’s stored
583
Dr Jack Kevorkian virus – deletes your old files
CONDOMS
584
A deaf mute walked into a pharmacy to buy some condoms, but he had trouble communicating with the pharmacist and couldn’t see any condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, he eventually unzipped his pants, placed his dick on the counter, and put down a five-dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist looked puzzled for a second but then he unzipped his pants, placed his dick on the counter, put down a five-dollar bill next to it, picked up both bills and stuffed them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute cursed the pharmacist in sign language.
‘Look,’ said the pharmacist, ‘if you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t bet.’
585
George W. Bush called Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin with a pressing emergency. ‘Our biggest condom factory has exploded!’ cried the US President. ‘My people’s favourite form of birth control has been virtually destroyed. This is a national emergency. So I need your help. Could you possibly send us one million condoms to tide us over?’
‘Certainly,’ said the Canadian PM. ‘I’ll get onto it straight away.’
‘Thanks,’ said Bush. ‘And there’s one more thing: could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least ten inches long and four inches in diameter?’
‘No problem,’ said Martin.
With that, Martin called the head of Trojan. ‘I need a favour,’ he said. ‘I need one million condoms straight away, and I need them to be sent to America.’
‘Consider it done,’ said the head of Trojan.
‘And listen,’ continued Martin. ‘They have to be red, white and blue in colour, ten inches long and four inches in diameter.’
‘That’s easily done. Anything else?’
‘Yes,’ added Martin. ‘Print on them: Made in Canada, size Medium.’
586
What did the cock say to the condom? – Cover me, I’m going in.
587
A male and a female duck were feeling randy on the pond. But when he told her he wanted to mate, she came over all shy and said there was no way she was doing it in public: instead she wanted to be treated like a lady and taken to a hotel.
So he booked them both into a smart hotel for the day. She liked the room, but just as he was preening his feathers ready for action, she announced that there would be no sex unless he wore a condom.
‘Where am I going to get a condom?’ he demanded.
‘Have you no class?’ she said. ‘Ring down for room service. And while you’re at it, you can order a round of smoked salmon sandwiches and a pot of Earl Grey.’
So the male duck phoned room service. Fifteen minutes later, there was a knock on the door. The male duck answered it to find the room service man standing there with a tray of orders.
‘Here are your sandwiches, sir,’ he said, ‘and your tea, oh, and your condom. Shall I put it on your bill?’
‘Certainly not,’ said the duck. ‘What do you think I am, a pervert?’
588
A big Indian chief went to his local pharmacy and told the clerk: ‘Last night me fuck squaw. Left nut go oomph, right nut go oomph, dick go oomph, condom go BOOM!’
The clerk was quite impressed by this sexual feat, so he grabbed a packet of extra-strength condoms from the shelf, gave them to the chief and told him to report back on how they worked.
The next day the chief returned to the pharmacy, and told the clerk gruffly: ‘Last night me fuck squaw. Left nut go oomph, right nut go oomph, dick go oomph, condom go BOOM!’
Since the chief’s powerful ejaculation had already blown off two different makes of condom, the clerk didn’t know what to suggest. Then he remembered a box of prototype condoms that were kept in a locked box. The label on the box read: ‘This is a joint effort between Goodyear and Michelin. This condom is steel belted and should only be used in extreme circumstances.’ So the clerk handed one of the condoms to the chief, and asked him to report back on whether it worked.
The next day the chief limped in to the pharmacy on crutches with a shotgun under his arm, and stormed up to the clerk. ‘Shit!’ thought the clerk. ‘That super-strong condom obviously didn’t hold him either!’
The chief yelled: ‘Last night me fuck squaw. Left nut go oomph, right nut go oomph, dick go oomph, condom go oomph . . . left nut go BOOM!’
589
Two condoms were walking down the street when they came to a gay bar. One condom said to the other: ‘What do you say we go in and get shit-faced tonight!’
590
An old couple were on honeymoon. While she slipped into bed in her skimpiest nightdress, he went into the bathroom. After he had been in there for fifteen minutes, she thought she had better see what he was doing. She found him struggling to put on a condom.
‘Why are you putting on a condom?’ she asked. ‘I’m eighty-two. I can’t get pregnant!’
‘Yes,’ he said, ‘but you know how dampness affects my arthritis.’
591
The sergeant major of a Scottish army regiment went into a pharmacist’s and placed a battered old condom on the counter. Pointing to at least half a dozen minor tears, he said: ‘How much would it cost to repair this condom?’
The pharmacist looked at him in disbelief. ‘There’s no point in repairing it. For a start, it needs a thorough wash, and to patch up all the holes would take best part of a day. Why don’t you just buy a new one?’
The sergeant major said he would think about it.
He returned to the shop the next day and said: ‘I’d like to buy one of your condoms.’
‘Ah, so you’ve decided to take my advice?’ said the pharmacist.
‘Aye. I had a word with the lads, and they reckon a new one would be a sound investment.’
592
A guy had reached the supermarket checkout when he remembered he had to forgotten to buy a packet of condoms.
‘Could I buy a packet of condoms?’ he asked the checkout girl.
‘Sure. Do you know what size you are?’
‘No, sorry.’
‘OK,’ she said. ‘Drop your pants and I’ll tell you your size.’
Being a confident sort of guy, he dropped his pants, she had a feel and said into the microphone: ‘One packet of large condoms to aisle three, please.’
He then pulled up his pants, paid for the condoms and went on his way.
The guy behind in the checkout line decided he liked the idea of being fondled by the girl, so he too asked for a packet of condoms. After asking him to drop his pants, the girl felt his dick and said in the microphone: ‘One packet of medium condoms to aisle three, please.’
The guy pulled up his pants, paid for the condoms and left the supermarket with a smile on his face.
Watching all this with mounting excitement was a sixteen-year-old boy. So when it was his turn in the line, he breathlessly asked the girl for a packet of condoms. She asked him to drop his pants, then she felt his dick and said quickly into the microphone: ‘Oops, mop and bucket to aisle three, please.’
593
A teenage girl walked into a drugstore and asked for condoms.
‘What size?’ asked the shop assistant.
‘Oh, just mix them up,’ sai
d the girl. ‘I’m not going steady with anyone right now.’
594
A refined gentleman began going into the neighbourhood drug store every week to purchase two dozen boxes of condoms. After six months of this, the clerk felt he had to say something. ‘Excuse me,’ he said, ‘but you must have the stamina of a bull. How do you get through so many condoms in a week?’
The gentleman looked at him in disgust and said: ‘I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!’
‘So what do you do with all those condoms?’ asked the clerk.
‘If you must know, I feed them to my poodle, and now she poops in little plastic bags.’
595
A man bought a new range of Olympic condoms. ‘There are three colours,’ he told his wife. ‘Gold, silver and bronze.’
‘What colour are you going to wear tonight?’ she asked.
‘Gold, of course,’ he replied proudly.
‘Why don’t you wear silver?’ she said. ‘It would be nice second for a change!’
596
An Alabama farmer walked into a drugstore and said to the pharmacist. ‘I want one of them thar condoms with pesticide on it. Where do I find them?’
The pharmacist replied: ‘Sir, I think you mean the condoms with spermicide, not pesticide. They’re on aisle two.’
‘No,’ insisted the farmer, ‘I want them thar condoms with pesticide on them.’
‘Sir,’ said the pharmacist, becoming exasperated, ‘pesticide is for killing insects, spermicide is for killing sperm. I’m sure that you mean spermicide rather than pesticide.’
‘Listen,’ growled the farmer, ‘my wife’s got a bug up her ass and I’m goin’ a huntin’ for it. Like I said, I want one of them thar condoms with pesticide on it!’
597
A New Yorker met a southern gal and brought her to the big city for the first time. Lying on the bed in their seedy hotel room, she saw a discarded condom near the waste bin.
‘Yuk!’ she squealed. ‘What a revolting sight! I’ve never seen anything so disgusting!’
‘What’s the matter?’ he asked. ‘Don’t they use those things where you come from?’
‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘But we don’t skin ’em!’
598
Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? – They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
599
Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day and caught him sitting on the side of the bed sliding on a condom. The father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, swiftly bent over as if to look under the bed.
‘What ya doing, dad?’
Thinking quickly, the father said: ‘I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.’
Little Johnny said: ‘What ya gonna do, fuck him?’
Possible Slogans for National Condom Week:
600
Cover your stump before you hump.
601
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
602
You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong.
603
If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey.
604
It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
605
Don’t be silly, protect your willy.
606
When in doubt, shroud your spout.
607
Don’t be a loner, cover your boner.
608
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
609
If you go in heat, package your meat.
610
She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick.
611
Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
612
Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
613
If you’re not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
614
If you’re gonna have it off, have it on.
CONSTIPATION
615
A construction worker went to the doctor and said: ‘Doctor, I’m constipated.’
The doctor examined him and told him to bend over the table. Then he whacked the patient on the ass with a baseball bat. There was a cracking sound and the doctor sent him to the bathroom.
The guy emerged a few minutes later and smiled: ‘Doctor, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation?’
The doctor said: ‘Stop wiping with cement bags.’
616
Two guys were in a locker room taking a shower after a game of squash when one noticed that the other had a huge cork stuck in his butt.
‘That looks really uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out?’
‘I can’t. It’s stuck there permanently.’
‘How in hell did it happen?’
‘Well, I was walking along the beach, and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and a genie appeared and said he could grant me a wish. Unfortunately my immediate reaction was, “No shit!” ’
617
A farmer told the vet that his horse was constipated. The vet handed him a bottle of pills and a length of tube, and said: ‘Insert the tube in the horse’s anus, put a pill into the other end of the tube, and then blow the pill up into its rectum.’
The farmer returned the following day looking decidedly ill.
‘What happened?’ asked the vet.
‘It was that pill,’ said the farmer. ‘I did what you said, but the darned horse blew first!’
618
An old woman went to the doctor about her constipation. ‘I haven’t moved my bowels for ten days,’ she said.
‘Have you done anything about it?’ asked the doctor.
‘Well, I sit in the bathroom for half an hour in the morning and again at night.’
‘No, I mean, do you take anything?’
‘Oh, I see,’ said the woman. ‘Yes, I take a book.’
619
Sister Bernadette lived in a convent, a few hundred yards from Wayne’s liquor store. One day she asked Wayne for a bottle of brandy.
He said: ‘I’m sorry. Sister Bernadette, I can’t sell brandy to a nun.’
‘But it’s for the Mother Superior,’ she explained. ‘It helps with her constipation.’
Hearing this, Wayne relented and sold her the brandy. But on his way home that night, he saw Sister Bernadette staggering drunkenly along the road.
‘Sister Bernadette!’ he exclaimed. ‘Shame on you! You told me the brandy was for the Mother Superior’s constipation.’
‘And so it is,’ said Sister Bernadette. ‘When she sees the state of me, she’s going to shit herself!’
COWBOYS
620
Why did the cowboy get shit in his moustache? – Looking for love in all the wrong places.
621
A young man wanted to be the best gunfighter in the Wild West. One night in a saloon he spotted a celebrated old gunfighter and asked him for a few tips.
‘Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg,’ advised the old guy.
‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the youngster.
‘Definitely.’
So he took the advice, drew his gun, and shot the bow tie off the piano player. ‘Wow! That really helped. Got any more suggestions?’
‘Yeah,’ said the old timer. ‘If you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother.’
‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’
‘Sure will.’
So he followed the advice, drew his gun, and shot a cufflink off the sleeve of the piano player. ‘This is really helping. Any other ideas?’
‘Yeah,’ said the old guy. ‘Get that can of axle grease over there and rub it all over your gun – the whole gun, handle and everything.’
‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’
‘Nope. But when Wyatt E
arp gets done playing that piano, he’s going to shove that gun of yours right up your ass, and this way at least it won’t hurt so much.’
622
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 16