Why are cowgirls bowlegged? – Because cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
623
A city slicker named Brad was staying with friends in Texas. His hosts decided to show him some good ole southern hospitality by taking him to the local rodeo. The star attraction was the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Iron Duke, a beast so fearsome that the organizers were offering a $10,000 prize to anyone who could ride him for just ten seconds.
All the local cowboys tried their luck, but all failed dismally. As soon as they got on Iron Duke, he hurled them to the ground. None lasted longer than three seconds. To keep the interest going, the organizers asked if anyone in the crowd wanted a try. To roars of laughter, Brad stepped forward.
Everybody thought he would hit the dirt in an instant but he stayed on for five seconds . . . ten seconds . . . a minute . . . five minutes. By then, Iron Duke was so exhausted that Brad was able to ride him around the ring like a party pony. The crowd were stunned.
As Brad collected his cash, one of his friends asked him: ‘You’ve never even sat on a horse before, so how come you managed to stay on so long?’
Brad replied: ‘My wife’s an epileptic.’
624
Two cowboys, Bart and Matt, were having a beer in a saloon when they saw a guy walk in with an Indian’s head under his arm. The guy handed the head to the bartender who in return gave him a fistful of dollars.
‘I hate Indians,’ explained the bartender. ‘They burned my barn to the ground and killed my wife and five kids. Anybody who brings me the head of an Indian, I’ll give them a thousand bucks.’
Bart and Matt knocked back their drinks and went off to hunt Indians. Soon they found one and Bart hurled a rock, hitting the Indian on the head and sending him tumbling from his horse and rolling eighty feet down a ravine. The two cowboys raced down the ravine in hot pursuit and Bart pulled out his knife ready to claim his trophy. But just as he was about to slice off the Indian’s head, Matt said: ‘Bart, take a look at this.’
‘Not now,’ said Bart, ‘I’m busy.’
‘I really think you should have a look,’ persisted Matt.
‘Can’t you see I’m busy?’ snapped Bart. ‘I’ve got a thousand dollars in my hand here.’
Matt said: ‘Please, Bart, take a look.’
Bart knew Matt would keep on, so he did as his friend said and looked up at the top of the ravine. Standing there were five thousand Indians.
‘Jesus!’ said Bart. ‘We’re gonna be millionaires!’
CRIME AND PUNISHMENT
625
While on a trip to Saudi Arabia, three Americans accidentally stumbled into a harem filled with more than a hundred beautiful women. Just as they started getting friendly with the women, the Sheik burst in and roared: ‘I am the master of all these women. No one else may touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today, and you will be punished according to your profession.’
The Sheik turned to the first man and demanded to know what he did for a living.
‘I’m a cop,’ replied the man.
‘Then we will shoot your penis off,’ announced the Sheik.
Then the Sheik turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
‘I’m a fireman,’ came the reply.
‘Then we will burn your penis off!’ declared the Sheik.
Finally the Sheik asked the third man what he did for a living.
Barely suppressing a smile, the man answered: ‘I’m a lollipop salesman.’
626
A little old lady walked up to a police officer and said: ‘Officer, I was sexually assaulted. It happened in the park and it went on for half an hour.’
‘When did this happen?’ asked the officer.
‘Twenty-four years ago.’
‘What are you telling me now for?’
She smiled: ‘I just like to talk about it once in a while.’
627
Travelling by horse and wagon across the Wild West to start a new life in California with his wife, daughter and $8,000 in cash, a gold prospector was held up by an outlaw. After searching the wagon thoroughly, the bandit rode off with it.
‘Damn!’ said the stranded prospector. ‘There goes my $8,000!’
‘No, Pa,’ said his daughter. ‘Look, I managed to hide the money in my fanny!’
The prospector sighed: ‘If only your mother had thought of that, we could have saved the horse and wagon too!’
628
A man was in court charged with theft. His lawyer told the crusty old judge: ‘My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high-speed modem . . .’
‘What is a high-speed modem?’ asked the judge, peering over his spectacles.
The lawyer answered: ‘My lord, a high-speed modem allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high speeds. It allows e-mail and something called cybersex in Internet chat rooms.’
‘Cybersex?’ queried the judge. ‘Sex through a computer? What is the world coming to? The morals of modern society appal me! Sex should be a wholesome, natural act.’
‘Secondly, my lord,’ continued the lawyer, ‘my client can produce a receipt for the twelve-speed CD-ROM . . .’
‘Twelve-speed CD-ROM?’ interjected the judge.
‘Yes, my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk.’
‘And I suppose most of this “information” is cybersex related?’ said the judge. ‘Frankly, I’m disgusted at what technology is doing to morality.’
‘Thirdly, my lord,’ continued the lawyer, ‘my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is . . .’
The judge said: ‘That’s the one with the silicone breasts and real hair.’
629
A missionary was walking through the jungle with the chief of the tribe he was teaching. On their way, they came across a couple making love.
‘What is going on here?’ asked the chief.
Embarrassed, the missionary said: ‘Uh, well chief, he is riding a bicycle.’
The chief grunted, pulled out his blowgun, and shot a poisoned dart into the man’s back.
The shocked missionary said: ‘Chief, you shouldn’t have killed him! It was a perfectly natural act they were performing. Why did you have to kill him?’
The chief answered: ‘He was riding my bicycle!’
630
A woman was walking home through Central Park when a guy grabbed her and dragged her into bushes.
‘Help!’ she screamed. ‘I’m being robbed!’
‘You ain’t being robbed, lady,’ growled her assailant ‘You’re gonna get screwed!’
The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans and sneered: ‘If you’re screwing me with that, I am being robbed!’
DATING
631
A girl went out on a date with a racing-car driver and was so impressed by his style that they ended up in bed. After sex, they fell asleep, only for him to be rudely awakened when she slapped him in the face.
‘What’s the matter?’ he groaned. ‘Didn’t I satisfy you when we screwed?’
‘It was after you fell asleep that you got into trouble,’ said the girl angrily. ‘In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, “What perfect headlights.” Then you felt my thighs and murmured, “What a smooth finish.” ’
‘What’s wrong with that?’ he asked.
‘Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, “Who the hell left the garage door open?” ’
632
‘I’m telling you, Lisa, I’ve never been happier,’ said Victoria. ‘I have two boyfriends. One is just fabulous. He’s handsome, sensitive, caring, and considerate.’
‘So what do you need the second one for?’ asked Lisa.
‘The second one is straight.’
633
A mother and her teenage daughter were sitting down to afternoon tea. The mother wanted to sho
w her daughter that she was a hip parent and tried to get her to talk about dating boys. ‘So now you’ve started dating,’ she asked, ‘how are you dealing about getting intimate with young men?’
The daughter replied shyly: ‘Oh, you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn’t working for me.’
‘In what way?’ persisted the mother.
‘Oh . . . stuff.’
‘It’s OK, darling. You can trust me. I think it’s important for mothers and daughters to talk about these things.’
‘I don’t know . . .’
‘Don’t forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes. Really.’
‘OK, for starters, how did you get their come out of your hair?’
634
Two girls were chatting about their weekends.
One said: ‘My boyfriend came round last night.’
The other said: ‘I didn’t even know he’d been in a coma.’
635
Searching for a suitable bride, a handsome blond man chanced upon a farmer who had three beautiful blonde daughters. Unable to decide which one he liked best, he took each of the three girls out on separate dates.
After the first date, the farmer asked him what he thought. ‘Well,’ said the man, ‘she’s just a wee bit, not that you could hardly tell, bow-legged.’
So the man took out the second daughter, after which the farmer once again sought his opinion. ‘Well,’ said the man, ‘she’s just a wee bit, not that you could hardly tell, boss-eyed.’
Finally the man took out the third daughter. The next day he told the farmer excitedly: ‘She’s absolutely perfect – definitely the girl I want to marry.’
The man duly married the farmer’s daughter but six months later his new bride gave birth to an ugly, red-haired baby. The man was distraught and asked the farmer how such a thing could have happened.
‘Well,’ explained the farmer, ‘when you met her, she was just a wee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant.’
636
A student guy picked up his date and took her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered the most expensive items on the menu.
He asked: ‘Does your mother feed you like this at home?’
‘No,’ said the girl, ‘but my mother’s not looking to get laid.’
637
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? – Slow down and use a lubricant.
638
Patrolling a local lovers’ lane, a policeman noticed a young couple sitting in their car with the interior light on. The young man was sitting in the driver’s seat reading a magazine while the girl was sitting in the back seat doing her nails. Mystified, the officer tapped on the window and asked the driver: ‘What’s going on?’
The driver wound down the window and answered: ‘What does it look like? I’m reading this magazine.’
The officer gestured towards the girl in the back and asked: ‘And what is she doing?’
The young man glanced over his shoulder and replied: ‘What does it look like? She’s doing her nails.’
‘How old are you?’ the officer asked the young man.
‘I’m nineteen.’
‘And how old is she?’ continued the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said: ‘In about eleven minutes, she’ll be sixteen.’
639
A guy said to his new girlfriend: ‘How about us spending a romantic weekend in a nice quiet hotel?’
She said: ‘I’m afraid that my awareness of your proclivities in the esoteric aspects of sexual behaviour precludes you from such erotic confrontation.’
‘Er . . . sorry . . . I don’t get it.’
‘Exactly!’
640
How can you tell if your date really likes oral sex? – She hikes up her skirt every time you yawn.
641
A girl brought her boyfriend home late one night. With her parents being asleep in bed, she asked him to be quiet. So when he said he was desperate to use the bathroom, rather than send him upstairs and risk him waking her parents, she told him to use the kitchen sink instead.
A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door.
‘Have you finished?’ she whispered.
‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘Have you got any paper?’
642
A guy told his mom that he had met the girl of his dreams. His mother said: ‘Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?’
‘That’s a great idea,’ he said. ‘Thanks, Mom.’
But the day after the date he rang his mother to say that it had been a disaster.
‘Why? What went wrong?’ asked his mother. ‘Didn’t she show up?’
‘Yes, but she refused to cook!’
643
Rick and Don were chatting at the bar. Rick was complaining about his live-in girlfriend. ‘I tell you, I’ve just about had it with her. I’m gonna dump her. She keeps bringing her work home, night after night.’
Don said: ‘Just because she wants to pursue a career, is that any reason to end the relationship? Is it so bad to bring work home?’
Rick replied: ‘It is if your girlfriend’s a hooker!’
644
What did Jack the Ripper’s mother say to him? – No wonder you’re still single; you never go out with the same girl twice.
645
Three girls all had boyfriends with the same name, so in order to avoid confusion, they decided to give the boys nicknames.
The first girl said: ‘I call my man 7-Up.’
‘Why do you call him that?’ asked her friends.
‘Because he’s seven inches long and is always up.’
The second girl said: ‘I call my man Mountain Dew.’
‘Why do you call him that?’ said the other two.
‘Because he likes to mount me and do me!’
The third girl said: ‘I call my man Jack Daniels.’
The others look at her in bewilderment and say: ‘Why do you call your man that? Jack Daniels is a hard liquor.’
‘Exactly.’
646
What’s the best part of having a homeless girlfriend? – At the end of a date, you can drop her off wherever you want.
Things Not to Say on a First Date:
647
I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem, but the last couple of weeks I seem to have got it under control.
648
I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden, but could you lend me $500?
649
I don’t see my ex-girlfriend that much . . . thanks to the restraining order.
650
There’s $10 riding on me bedding you tonight.
651
Do you wanna see my collection of Ted Bundy memorabilia?
652
You could be a real babe if you lost a couple of stone.
653
What are your feelings about whips and manacles?
654
I won’t be a minute, but I have to phone my mom if I’m out after ten o’clock.
655
I can’t stay out too late; I have to start work at the abattoir at seven.
656
Sorry, I can’t see you tomorrow – I’m on day release.
657
Would you like a lift home in my Skoda?
658
Wait till my wife hears about this!
DEAFNESS
659
A guy drove past an isolated farm and was horrified to see an old woman yanking on her boobs while an old man was jerking off. The driver was so freaked out by this that he stopped at the next house.
‘What’s up with your neighbours?’ He asked.
‘Oh, that’s the Harts, they’re both deaf. She’s telling him to go milk the cow and he’s telling her to go fuck herself!’
660
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one evening, while they were sitting in their armchairs, he called over to her: ‘Can you hear me?’ There was no response.
A few seconds later he asked her again, this time a little louder. ‘Can you hear me?’ There was still no response.
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 17