The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  So he tried for a third time, louder still. ‘Can you hear me?’

  She answered impatiently: ‘For the third time, yes!’

  661

  Two deaf people got married but struggled to communicate in the bedroom after turning the lights off because they couldn’t see each other using sign language. Following several nights of fumbling and misunderstandings, the wife came up with a solution.

  ‘Honey,’ she signed, ‘Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.’

  The husband thought this was a great idea and signed back to his wife: ‘OK. Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times.’

  662

  Three deaf old men were walking along the street on a March day.

  One said: ‘Windy, ain’t it?’

  ‘No,’ said the second, ‘it’s Thursday.’

  The third man said: ‘So am I. Let’s have a beer.’

  663

  An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were due to give speeches to the Deaf Society. Each was keen to make an impression on the audience.

  The Englishman went first and, to the surprise of his colleagues, he began by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. After he had completed his speech, the Canadian and the American asked him what he had been doing. The Englishman explained: ‘By rubbing my chest, I indicated breasts and thus Ladies. And by rubbing my groin, I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started “Ladies and Gentlemen”.’

  On his way up to the podium the Canadian thought he would go one better, so he started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and groin. Afterwards, when his colleagues asked what he had been doing, he replied: ‘By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin, I was starting my speech by saying “Deer Ladies and Gentlemen.” ’

  On his way up to the podium, the competitive American was determined to outdo the Englishman and the Canadian. So he started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest and groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he had finished his speech, the other two asked him what on earth he had been doing. He explained: ‘By imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and groin, and then masturbating, I was starting my speech with the words “Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure . . .” ’

  664

  Two deaf men were talking about being out late the night before. The first signed: ‘My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed and not get into trouble.’

  The second deaf man signed: ‘You were lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing, and giving me hell for being out so late.’

  ‘What did you do?’

  ‘I turned out the light.’

  665

  A woman was driving carefully along the highway. She frequently checked her speed to make sure that she was not exceeding the limit but, to her dismay, she saw in her rear mirror that a police car was following her, lights flashing.

  She thought to herself: ‘What have I done wrong? I’m not speeding, I haven’t been drinking, I’ve got my seat belt on, my licence is up to date.’ As she pulled to a halt, she rolled down the window and waited for the inevitable ticket, even though she didn’t deserve one.

  The police officer walked up to the window and spoke to her. The woman pointed to her ear and shook her head, indicating that she was deaf.

  The policeman smiled and signed back: ‘I know. I’m here to tell you that your horn is stuck!’

  666

  A ninety-one-year-old man went to the doctor for a physical. A few days later the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

  At his follow-up visit, the doctor said to the old man: ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

  ‘I’m only doing what you said, doctor – “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” ’

  The doctor replied: ‘I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.’

  DEATH

  667

  An old man was lying on his deathbed. With only hours to live, he suddenly smelt chocolate chip cookies wafting up from the kitchen. Driven on by his favourite smell, he somehow managed to pull himself out of bed, across the floor to the stairs, and slowly down the stairs to the kitchen. There, the old man’s wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, he reached for a cookie, only for his wife to slap him across the hand and say: ‘They’re for the funeral!’

  668

  A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her seventeenth-floor apartment when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. As she plummeted towards certain death, a man standing on his fourteenth-floor balcony reached out and caught her in his arms. As she looked at him in gratitude, he asked: ‘Do you suck?’

  ‘No,’ she snapped indignantly, so he dropped her.

  As she hurtled down past the twelfth floor, another man reached out and caught her.

  ‘Do you screw?’ he demanded.

  ‘No, I do not,’ she replied, so he dropped her.

  With the ground drawing ever nearer, the desperate woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught by a man on the seventh floor. No way was she going to waste this opportunity.

  ‘I suck! I screw!’ she screamed.

  ‘Slut!’ said the man, and dropped her.

  669

  ‘But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster,’ protested the society lady to the cop. ‘Can’t you find some way to cover up the shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously serviced by two paid studs?’

  ‘Leave it to me, ma’am,’ said the officer reassuringly. ‘I’ll just put it in my report that she died at the stroke of two.’

  670

  A man was so distraught following the death of his wife that he broke down in tears at the funeral. Afterwards a friend took him to one side and tried to comfort him.

  ‘Listen,’ said the friend, ‘I know it’s tough at the moment but time really is a great healer. Eventually you will get over it. Who knows, in four or five months, you might even meet somebody else.’

  ‘Four or five months?’ wailed the man. ‘What am I going to do tonight?’

  671

  A mortician was working late one night, examining bodies before sending them to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr Schafer, he noticed that he had the longest private part he had ever seen. It was of such record-breaking proportions that the mortician decided he would have to save it for posterity.

  ‘I’m sorry, Mr Schafer,’ he said to the corpse, ‘but I simply have to do this.’

  And with that he sliced off the giant penis, put it in his briefcase and took it home to show his wife.

  ‘Honey,’ he said. ‘You’ll never believe what I’ve got in my case.’

  Then he opened the case to reveal the mighty member.

  ‘Oh, my God!’ screamed the wife. ‘Schafer is dead!’

  672

  At the end of a funeral service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket when they accidentally bumped into a wall. The jolt produced a faint moan from inside the casket, and when the lid was raised, the woman inside was found to be still alive.

  She went on to live for another ten years, and when she eventually died her husband arranged for the funeral ceremony to be held at the same place. At the end, as the pallbearers carried out the casket and the mourners dabbed their eyes, he suddenly called out: ‘Watch the wall!’

  673

  Becky was on her deathbed with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand, and tears silently streamed down his face.

  Her pale lips moved.
‘Jake . . .’ she whispered.

  ‘Hush,’ he quickly interrupted. ‘Don’t talk.’

  But she insisted. ‘Jake,’ she gasped. ‘I have to talk. I have to confess my sins.’

  ‘There is nothing to confess,’ sobbed Jake. ‘It’s all right. Everything is all right.’

  ‘No, you don’t understand,’ said Becky. ‘I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, or I will rot in hell. I have to tell you the truth finally. You see, Jake, my dearest, I have been unfaithful to you.’

  Jake stroked her hand tenderly. ‘Now, Becky, don’t be concerned. I know all about it.’

  ‘You do?’ she groaned weakly.

  ‘Of course,’ he said. ‘Why else would I poison you?’

  674

  There were two Miami brothers named Don and Doug. Don was married and Doug was single. Doug was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat and it so happened that Doug’s boat sank on the same day that Don’s wife died.

  A few days later a kindly old lady met Doug in the street and, mistaking him for Don, said: ‘I heard about your loss. I am so sorry. You must feel terrible.’

  Doug replied: ‘Well, I’m not sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off: Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn’t so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was just too much for her and she cracked right up the middle!’

  At that, the old lady fainted.

  DENTISTS

  675

  A dentist was preparing to clean an elderly lady’s teeth. Noticing that she appeared a little nervous, he began telling her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves.

  ‘Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?’ he asked.

  ‘No,’ she replied.

  ‘Well,’ he spoofed, ‘down in Mexico they have this big building that houses a large tank of latex, and the workers are all chosen according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips his or her hands in, and then walks around for a bit while the latex sets and dries onto the hands. Then they peel off the gloves, throw them into a finished goods crate, and start the process all over again.’

  The story didn’t even raise a smile. But five minutes later, the dentist had to stop scraping the woman’s teeth because she suddenly burst out laughing. She blushed and exclaimed: ‘I just suddenly thought how they must make condoms!’

  676

  Murphy told O’Reilly: ‘I went to the dentist this morning.’

  O’Reilly asked: ‘Does your tooth still hurt?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Murphy. ‘The dentist kept it.’

  677

  An attractive young woman told her friend she had fallen in love with her middle-aged dentist.

  ‘But why?’ asked her friend. ‘You could have your pick of the boys. Why go for your dentist?’

  ‘Because he’s the first man that’s ever said to me, “Spit, don’t swallow.” ’

  678

  A guy went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled.

  ‘I’ll give you a shot to numb your jaw,’ said the dentist.

  ‘No, you can’t. I’m afraid of needles.’

  ‘OK, I’ll give you gas to put you to sleep.’

  ‘No, I’m allergic to gas.’

  So the dentist searched his medicine cabinet for something suitable. Eventually he came up with a packet of pills and said: ‘Here, take two of these, then.’

  ‘What are they?’ asked the patient.

  ‘Viagra.’

  ‘What? Why the hell are you giving me Viagra?’

  ‘They won’t help the pain, but they’ll give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth.’

  Signs that Your Dentist Loves to Inflict Pain:

  679

  He says afterwards, ‘We usually sedate people for that.’

  680

  His drill is by Black and Decker.

  681

  The dentist’s chair is located in a soundproof room.

  682

  The hygienist wears skintight leather and carries a whip.

  683

  Rather than take X-rays, he takes core samples.

  684

  While you scream, he giggles.

  685

  Just before you go under, you see him bring out a stun gun.

  686

  The windows are blacked out.

  687

  He advises you to gargle with Coke.

  688

  The dentist’s chair has restraining straps.

  689

  There are blood spots on the ceiling.

  690

  You have to sign a form in advance promising not to press charges.

  PRINCESS DIANA

  691

  Prince Harry and Prince Charles were at Diana’s funeral. Prince Harry asked: ‘Daddy, why are there so many people?’

  Prince Charles said: ‘It’s always this crowded when Elton John plays.’

  DIARRHOEA

  692

  Gathered around the fire at a lodge one evening, the members of a hunting club regaled each other with heroic tales from the African bush. All, that is, except the oldest member – a ninety-one-year-old man who slept peacefully in his chair.

  Eventually the old man woke up and instantly launched into a story of his own. His audience was captivated.

  ‘I’ll never forget my first visit to Africa,’ he began. ‘It was back in 1939, and I was travelling south of Nairobi. There were four of us in the party, but somehow I had become separated from the others. Trying to find my way back to the jeep, I headed down this overgrown track. I had only gone a few yards when I heard a rustling noise in the bushes. Then suddenly the biggest lion I had ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this. ROOAAARRRR! I tell you, I just messed my pants.’

  ‘I don’t blame you,’ said one of the younger members. ‘I would have messed my pants too if a lion jumped out at me.’

  The old man said: ‘No, not then, just now when I went ROOAAARRRR!’

  693

  Did you hear about the giant with diarrhoea? – You didn’t? It’s all over town!

  694

  A drugstore clerk was a hopeless salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted, and it reached the point where the owner warned him that the next sale he missed would be his last.

  Just then a man came in coughing and asked the clerk for some cough syrup. Despite searching everywhere, the clerk couldn’t find any but, remembering the owner’s threat, he sold the customer a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

  The owner, who had been watching from the back of the shop, asked the clerk what had happened.

  ‘He wanted something for his cough,’ explained the clerk, ‘but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. So I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.’

  ‘Ex-Lax won’t cure a cough,’ shouted the owner angrily.

  ‘Sure it will,’ said the clerk, pointing to the man leaning outside on a lamppost. ‘Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.’

  695

  Serving tea in the lounge of an old people’s home, the nurse caught a whiff of something unpleasant. ‘OK,’ she said. ‘Who’s messed in their pants?’

  Nobody answered, so she patrolled the room to trace the origin of the stench. Finally she found the culprit, an old man sitting in the corner.

  ‘Why didn’t you answer when I asked who had messed in their pants?’ she demanded.

  ‘Oh,’ he said. ‘I thought you meant today.’

  696

  A man phoned a pharmacist and asked urgentl
y: ‘Do you sell incontinence pants?’

  ‘Yes,’ replied the pharmacist. ‘Can I ask where you’re ringing from?’

  The man replied: ‘From the waist down.’

  697

  When her husband died, his widow put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. On reading the notice, a family friend complained: ‘You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea.’