The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  The doctor said: ‘You know, you really have to learn to trust me.’

  737

  A woman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor was concerned about a series of bruises on the outside of her thighs and when he asked her how she had got them, she said it was from having sex.

  He advised: ‘You’ll have to change positions until the bruises heal.’

  ‘Oh, doctor, I can’t,’ she said. ‘My dog’s breath is awful!’

  738

  A man asked the doctor: ‘Are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia, because I heard once about a doctor treating someone for pneumonia and finally he died of tuberculosis?’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ said the doctor. ‘It won’t happen with me. If I treat someone for pneumonia, he will die of pneumonia.’

  739

  A woman said to her doctor: ‘Kiss me, kiss me, you handsome brute!’

  The doctor replied: ‘I can’t. It wouldn’t be ethical. To be honest, I shouldn’t be screwing you at all!’

  740

  A man went to the doctor’s and asked for a new penis.

  The doctor said: ‘OK, we have a five-incher, a seven-incher, and a ten-incher. Which would you like?’

  ‘Oh, the ten-incher, please.’

  The doctor reached into the fridge for it. The man looked at it for a few seconds, then said: ‘Does it come in white?’

  741

  During her annual check-up, a pretty young woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

  ‘Doctor,’ she said shyly, ‘I can’t undress in front of you.’

  ‘That’s OK,’ he said. ‘I’ll flick off the lights. You get undressed and tell me when you’re through.’

  A few minutes later, her voice rang out in the darkness: ‘Doctor, I’ve undressed. What should I do with my clothes?’

  ‘Just put them over here, on top of mine . . .’

  742

  A man went to the doctor’s surgery and told the receptionist: ‘There’s something wrong with my dick.’

  ‘Excuse me, sir!’ she said icily. ‘I will not allow patients to use such language in a crowded surgery. Now, will you please go out, come back in and say there’s something wrong with your ear or whatever.’

  So the man went out, came back in and told the receptionist: ‘There’s something wrong with my ear.’

  The receptionist smiled and said: ‘And what is wrong with your ear, sir?’

  The man said: ‘I can’t piss out of it!’

  743

  ‘How did it happen?’ the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.

  ‘Well, doc, twenty-five years ago . . .’

  ‘Never mind the past,’ interrupted the doctor. ‘Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.’

  ‘Like I was saying,’ continued the farmhand. ‘Twenty-five years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said: ‘No, everything is fine.’

  ‘ “Are you sure?” she asked.

  ‘ “I’m sure,” I said.

  ‘ “Isn’t there anything at all I can do for you?” she persisted.

  ‘ “I reckon not,” I replied.

  ‘Excuse me,’ said the doctor, ‘but what does this story have to do with your leg?’

  ‘Well, this morning,’ the farmhand explained, ‘when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!’

  744

  A guy went to the doctor and said: ‘I got a mole on the end of my penis.’

  ‘Drop your pants and show me,’ said the doctor who then proceeded to examine the area.

  ‘Yes,’ continued the doctor, ‘I can get rid of the mole, but I’m going to have to report you to the animal welfare people.’

  745

  A man went to the doctor’s because his arm was covered in sores.

  ‘What do you do for a living?’ asked the doctor.

  ‘I work in a circus – my job is to give enemas to the elephants. I have to shove my arm right up their backsides and clean them out.’

  ‘Dear me!’ said the doctor. ‘No wonder your arm’s in such a state. Have you ever thought of looking for another job?’

  ‘What?’ said the man. ‘And give up show business?’

  746

  A man phoned the doctor and said in a panic: ‘A mouse ran up my wife’s honeypot.’

  ‘Right,’ said the doctor. ‘I’ll be over in ten minutes. In the meantime, try waving a piece of cheese between her legs to lure it out.’

  When the doctor arrived, the husband was waving an open can of tuna over the wife’s opening.

  ‘What are you doing?’ exclaimed the doctor. ‘I said to use cheese!’

  ‘I know,’ said the husband, ‘but I’ve got to get the cat out first!’

  DOGS

  747

  A man with a terrier walked into a bar and ordered a drink. From his change, he gave the dog a fifty-dollar note and told it to go across the street for a pack of cigarettes.

  The bartender was amazed. ‘Does your dog always run errands for you?’ he asked.

  ‘My dog can do anything,’ boasted the man. ‘He does the weekly shopping, cleans the house from top to bottom, and even cooks the dinner. I wouldn’t swap him for anyone.’

  But just as he was listing his dog’s talents, he was cut short by the screeching of tyres. He rushed outside to see that a car had swerved to avoid his dog humping another terrier in the middle of the street.

  ‘What’s going on?’ shouted the man to his dog. ‘You’ve never done anything like this before.’

  The dog said: ‘I’ve never had fifty bucks before.’

  748

  Joe and Jack were out walking their dogs in the park when Joe started bragging about how his dog could count. Jack challenged him to prove it.

  So Joe said to his dog. ‘OK, Rex, go count the ducks in the pond.’ The dog ran off, returned a minute later and barked four times. Joe said: ‘That means there’s four ducks in the pond.’

  When Jack went down to the pond, sure enough there were four ducks. But Jack thought it was a fluke and when he met up with Joe, he said: ‘Let’s see him do it again!’

  So Joe said to his dog: ‘Do it again, boy.’ The dog ran down to the pond and on his return, barked nine times. Jack went down to the pond once more and, sure enough, there were nine ducks.

  But Jack still refused to concede that Joe’s dog could count, and challenged him to do it a third time. So Joe despatched Rex to the pond again. Moments later, the dog returned and started vigorously screwing Joe’s leg. Then the dog picked up a stick and began shaking it furiously. ‘See,’ said Jack, gloating, ‘that dog can’t count! He’s gone mental!’

  Joe said: ‘No, you don’t understand him. He’s saying, “There’s more fucking ducks down there than you can shake a stick at!” ’

  749

  What’s a shiatsu? – A zoo with no animals.

  750

  An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked him if he had a lot of laundry to do.

  ‘Oh, no laundry,’ said the boy, ‘I’m going to wash my dog.’

  ‘You shouldn’t use this stuff on your dog,’ advised the grocer. ‘It’s very powerful. If you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.’

  But the boy wouldn’t listen and carried the detergent to the checkout where he paid for it.

  A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some biscuits. The grocer asked him how his dog was doing.

  ‘Oh, he died,’ said the boy.

  ‘I’m real sorry to hear that,’ said the grocer, ‘but I did try to warn you about using that detergent on your dog.’

  ‘I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him,’ said the boy.

  ‘Oh,’ said the grocer. ‘What
was it, then?’

  ‘I think it was the spin cycle.’

  751

  If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.

  752

  Late at night an old lady rang her vet and asked what she should do to separate two mating dogs. ‘Throw some water over them,’ advised the vet.

  A few minutes later, the old lady rang back to say that the water treatment hadn’t worked. ‘Have you any other suggestions?’ she asked.

  ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ he said. ‘Try prising them apart with a stick or something.’

  A few minutes later, she rang back again to say that the stick hadn’t worked either. ‘What else can I try?’ she asked.

  Irritated, the vet said: ‘Go and tell one of the dogs that it’s wanted on the phone.’

  ‘Will that work?’ she said.

  The vet replied: ‘Well, it’s already worked three times with me!’

  753

  In theory, housetraining your puppy may seem like a sensible idea, but it doesn’t look good on paper.

  754

  A drunk took his dog for a midday walk. When he reached his favourite bar, he tied the dog to a lamppost out front and went in for a beer.

  An hour later, a police officer came in to the bar and asked: ‘Whose dog is that tied up out front?’

  ‘Mine,’ said the drunk, nearly falling off his stool.

  ‘She’s in heat,’ said the officer, who clearly knew a thing or two about dogs.

  ‘It’s OK,’ slurred the drunk. ‘It’s shady out there.’

  ‘That’s not what I mean,’ persisted the cop. ‘Your dog wants to mate.’

  ‘Go ahead, officer,’ said the drunk. ‘I’ve always wanted a police dog.’

  755

  Did you hear about the Irish wolfhound? – It got caught in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still trapped.

  756

  A man was bitten by a stray dog. Half an hour later, as he waited for an ambulance to take him to hospital, his wife saw him writing frantically.

  ‘It’s OK,’ she said. ‘You probably haven’t got rabies, and in any case it can be cured. There’s no need to worry about writing a will just yet.’

  ‘Will?’ he said. ‘What will? I’m making a list of the people I want to bite.’

  757

  A southern preacher was standing outside church when a sweet little girl walked by with her dog.

  ‘What’s your name, little girl?’ asked the preacher.

  ‘My name is Petal,’ she replied.

  ‘My, what a lovely name! Why did your parents name you Petal?’

  The little girl explained: ‘When I was growing in my mommy’s tummy, one day mommy and daddy went on a picnic and a rose petal drifted down to land on mommy’s tummy, and daddy said if we have a girl we’ll call her Petal.’

  ‘That’s a lovely story,’ smiled the preacher. ‘And tell me, what is your little dog called?’

  ‘Porky.’

  ‘I suppose that’s because of his inky-winky curly tail?’

  ‘No, it’s because he fucks pigs.’

  758

  How do you know if you’ve got kinky dogs? – They do it in the missionary position.

  759

  Before catching the plane home at the end of an out-of-town business trip, a man bought a small puppy as a present for his son. Since he didn’t have time to complete the necessary paperwork for taking the puppy on board, he slid it down the front of his pants and sneaked it on board the airplane. About half an hour into the trip, the steward noticed the man shaking and quivering.

  ‘Are you OK, sir?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes, I’m fine,’ said the man.

  Twenty minutes later, the steward could not help noticing the man moaning and shaking again.

  ‘Are you sire you’re all right, sir?’

  ‘Yes,’ said the man, ‘but I do have a confession to make. I didn’t have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants.’

  ‘What’s wrong?’ asked the steward. ‘Isn’t he house trained?’

  ‘It’s not that,’ said the man. ‘The problem is he’s not weaned yet!’

  760

  A woman looked out the window and saw that the neighbour’s dog was humping hers. So she rushed outside to try and pull them apart. She tried hitting the male dog, she tried throwing a bucket of water over them, but nothing worked. Just then a small boy walked past and the woman said: ‘I’ll give you five dollars if you can get that dog off mine.’

  While the woman went back indoors, the boy walked up to the dogs, wet his finger, lifted the male’s tail, and stuck his finger in its ass. The dog backed off immediately, and the boy knocked on the door of the house to collect his money.

  ‘How did you manage to get him off?’ asked the woman.

  ‘Well, lady,’ said the boy, ‘he can dish it out but he can’t take it!’

  761

  A woman had her dog neutered because she was told it would curb the animal’s aggression. But the next day it savaged the postman.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ she said, rushing to the man’s aid. ‘I was told he’d stop attacking people if I had him neutered.’

  ‘Lady,’ said the postman, picking himself off the ground, ‘you should have had his teeth pulled. I knew when he came out the door he wasn’t going to screw me!’

  Reasons why Men Envy Dogs:

  762

  When a dog puts his head between girls’ legs, they pet him.

  763

  He can lick his own balls.

  764

  He can stick his head out the car window without being yelled at.

  765

  It’s OK to drool a bit.

  766

  It’s easier to find a good bitch.

  767

  He can hump hot chicks’ legs without going to jail.

  768

  He doesn’t care where he scratches or who’s watching.

  769

  He licks his own butt but his breath is still fresher than most men’s.

  770

  He has a full head of beautiful hair.

  771

  He can eye other dogs without being yelled at.

  772

  He’s too dumb to know when he’s bored.

  DRUGS

  773

  Two young men were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday. The judge told them: ‘You seem like basically decent young men, so I’d like to give you a second chance rather than send you to jail. So I want you to go out this weekend and try to persuade others of the evils of drugs, and, if possible, to get them to give up drugs for ever. I’ll see you back in court on Monday.’

  Come the Monday and the pair were back in court. Addressing the first one, the judge said: ‘How did your anti-drugs crusade go over the weekend?’

  ‘Very well, your honour. I managed to persuade twenty-two people to give up drugs forever.’

  ‘Twenty-two?’ echoed the judge. ‘That’s very impressive. Tell me, how did you persuade them of the error of their ways?’

  ‘I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles, one large and one small. I told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.’

  ‘That’s admirable,’ enthused the judge.

  Then he turned to the second youth. ‘And how did you do over the weekend?’

  ‘Well, your honour,’ he said, ‘I managed to persuade 143 people to give up drugs forever.’

  ‘143 people! That’s amazing!’ said the judge. ‘How did you do it?’

  ‘I used a similar approach, one large circle and one small circle. I pointed to the small circle and said: “This is your asshole before prison . . .” ’

  774

  A little rabbit was running through the woods when he came across a giraffe rolling
a joint. He ran up to the giraffe and said: ‘Hey, giraffe, you shouldn’t do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead.’ The giraffe looked at him, looked at the spliff, shrugged his shoulders, tossed the joint away and ran off through the woods with the little rabbit.