The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

A guy had been propping up the bar for six hours when he happened to mention that his girlfriend was outside in the car. As it was a bitterly cold day, the bartender thought he had better make sure that she was all right. But when he peered into the car, he saw the drunk’s buddy Kyle screwing the girlfriend on the back seat.

  Unsure how to handle the situation, the bartender went back in and simply told the drunk that it might be an idea to check on his girlfriend. So the drunk staggered outside into the car park, saw Kyle and the girl entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.

  ‘What’s so funny?’ asked the bartender.

  ‘The drunk said: ‘That idiot Kyle – he’s so bloody drunk, he thinks he’s me!’

  808

  A guy staggered out of the bar one night, hopelessly drunk. As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. He went straight up to her and punched her in the face. Then he punched her again, even harder. As she fell to the ground, he kicked her in the butt, then picked her up and threw her into a wall.

  By now the poor nun could hardly move. Swaying on the spot, the drunk jeered: ‘Not very strong tonight, are you. Batman?’

  809

  A drunk was staggering along through the park when he saw a man doing push-ups. He yelled: ‘I think you ought to know, pal – your girlfriend has gone home!’

  810

  A paralytic drunk was staggering around a fairground when he spotted a rifle range and decided to try his luck. To the horror of the showman, he somehow scored three bullseyes. The star prize was a set of glassware but, reckoning that the drunk would never know what he had scored, the showman palmed him off with the consolation prize, a turtle.

  Twenty minutes later, the drunk came back for another go. Once again, he scored three bulls and the showman managed to get away with giving him a turtle.

  Ten minutes later, the drunk was back for a third go, and yet again he scored three bulls. The showman was just about to reach for another turtle when an onlooker said: ‘Hasn’t he scored three bulls?’

  Curing his luck, the showman turned to the drunk and said: ‘Congratulations, you have won this magnificent eighty-two-piece set of glassware.’

  ‘I don’t want any glasses,’ slurred the drunk. ‘Just give me another of those delicious crusty meat pies.’

  DWARFS

  811

  Two dwarfs went on vacation to Las Vegas. There, they met two beautiful women and took them back to their adjoining hotel rooms. Alas, the first dwarf was so intimidated by the girl’s beauty that he simply couldn’t get aroused. To make matters worse, all he could hear from the next room were cries of ‘One, two, three . . . oh!’ all night long.

  The next morning the second dwarf said: ‘How did it go?’

  His friend said: ‘It was so embarrassing. I couldn’t get an erection.’

  ‘You think that was embarrassing?’ said the second dwarf. ‘I couldn’t even get on the bed!’

  812

  The Seven Dwarfs came home tired from a long, hard day’s work and decided to relax in the hot-tub. They put on their swimming trunks, grabbed some beers and hopped in. Soon they started to feel happy. So Happy left.

  813

  A guy was standing in the toilet having a pee when he noticed to his left a dwarf whose head was shaking incessantly.

  ‘Excuse me,’ asked the guy, ‘but why does your head shake all the time?’

  ‘I used to be a human cannonball in a circus,’ explained the dwarf. ‘The vibration from the cannon has left me like this.’

  Just then the dwarf left, and to his right the guy then noticed another dwarf who was also shaking his head vigorously. ‘Were you in the circus too?’ asked the guy.

  ‘No,’ said the dwarf angrily. ‘When you were busy talking to that other bloke, you were pissing in my ear!’

  814

  A guy walked into a bar and said: ‘Bartender, give me two shots – one for me and one for my buddy here.’

  The bartender said: ‘Do you want both drinks now or do you want me to wait till your buddy arrives to pour his?’

  ‘No, it’s OK,’ said the guy, ‘I’ve got my best buddy in my pocket here.’ With that, he pulled out a little three-inch man from his pocket.

  ‘That’s amazing,’ said the bartender. ‘Can he walk?’

  The guy flicked a coin down to the end of the bar and said to his tiny friend: ‘Hey, Mikey, go and get that coin.’

  Mikey duly ran along the bar, fetched the coin and brought it back to the guy.

  The bartender was impressed. ‘What else can he do? Can he talk?’ ‘Talk?’ said the guy. ‘Sure he talks. Hey, Mikey, tell him about that time we were on safari in Africa and you pissed off that witch doctor.’

  815

  What does a dwarf get if he runs through a woman’s legs? – A clit around the ear and a flap across the face.

  816

  A tall, willowy blonde met a midget at a party and, although the midget was barely three feet tall, there was a definite chemistry between them. After a few drinks, they went back to the woman’s apartment.

  ‘I can’t imagine what it will be like making love to a midget,’ she said, ‘especially with the size difference.’

  The midget said: ‘Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes.’

  The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she’d ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes she had climaxed seven times.

  ‘If you think that was good,’ said the midget, ‘just wait till I get both legs in there!’

  DYSLEXIA

  817

  An old man was standing outside a supermarket with a collection box reading: ‘Please help my dailysex.’ His wife came up to him and said: ‘Arthur, you’ve misspelled dyslexia again!’

  818

  Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?

  819

  A man who filled in a job application form was told by his prospective employer: ‘Your spelling is very wayward. Are you sure you haven’t got dyslexia?’

  ‘Have it?’ said the applicant. ‘I can’t even smell it!’

  ENGLAND AND THE ENGLISH

  820

  Three aristocratic Englishmen in a bar spotted an Irishman having a quiet drink. One of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said: ‘I say, I hear your St Patrick was a faggot!’

  ‘Oh, really?’ muttered the Irishman. ‘I didn’t know that.’

  Disappointed by the lack of reaction, the Englishman walked back to his friends and said: ‘I told him St Patrick was a faggot, and he simply didn’t care.’

  The second Englishman said: ‘Tarquin, you just don’t know how to get him going. Watch and learn.’ So he walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said: ‘I say, I hear your St Patrick was a transvestite faggot!’

  ‘Oh, really?’ muttered the Irishman. ‘I didn’t know that.’

  Shocked, the Englishman went back to his friends and said: ‘You’re right. He’s unshakeable.’

  The third Englishman said: ‘Tristram, dear boy, you simply don’t have the knack. Fear not, I’ll show you how to wind him up.’ So he walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and brayed: ‘I say, I hear your St Patrick was an Englishman!’

  ‘Yeah,’ muttered the Irishman. ‘That’s what your friends were trying to tell me.’

  821

  An Irish priest was openly hostile towards the English. He would regularly tell his congregation: ‘If you do not lead a better life, you will all go to hell along with the English.’ When news of these rants reached the bishop’s ears, he warned the priest that he would be transferred or even defrocked if he did not mend his ways. The priest promised to be more diplomatic in future.

  For his next sermon, the priest told the story of the betrayal of Jesus. ‘And Jesus looked at all of the apostles one at a time and said, “Tonight, one of you will betray me
.” Peter said, “It is not I, master.” Jesus looked at Judas. Feeling the steady gaze of the Lord upon him, Judas said, “Blimey, guv’nor, ya don’t fink it’s me, do ya?” ’

  822

  An Essex girl was involved in a bad car crash, which left her trapped in the wreckage and bleeding.

  Paramedics arrived on the scene and asked her: ‘What’s your name?’

  ‘Sharon,’ she replied.

  ‘OK, Sharon, where are you bleeding from?’

  ‘Romford.’

  823

  What do you call three Mancunians in a filing cabinet? – Sorted!

  824

  What is the difference between a walrus and an Essex girl? – One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish; the other is a walrus.

  825

  How do you know when an Essex girl has had an orgasm? – She drops her bag of chips.

  826

  What does the label in an Essex girl’s panties say? – NEXT.

  827

  What’s the difference between an Essex man and an Essex girl? – The Essex girl has a higher sperm count.

  828

  An Essex girl and her boyfriend were spending the evening at home. Bored, she suggested. ‘Let’s play a game.’

  ‘What sort of game?’ he said wearily.

  ‘Hide and seek. And I’ll tell you what, if you can find me, I’ll give you a blow job.’

  ‘What if I can’t find you?’

  She said: ‘I’ll be behind the piano.’

  829

  What do you call a Scouser in a detached house? – A burglar.

  830

  An old man was strolling through the French countryside in the 1950s, admiring a glorious spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Overcoming his initial shock, he thought to himself: ‘Ah young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. C’est magnifique!’ He continued to watch for a couple of minutes before suddenly recoiling in horror. ‘Mais sacre bleu!’ he exclaimed. ‘Ze woman, she is dead!’

  He immediately hurried back to town to tell the police chief. ‘Jean, Jean,’ he gasped, ‘zere is zis man, zis woman, naked in farmer Gaston’s field, making love.’

  The chief smiled and said: ‘Come, come, Henri, you are not so old. Remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. Zis is OK.’

  ‘Mais non,’ persisted the old man, ‘you do not understand. She is dead!’

  The police chief jumped on his bicycle and went to investigate for himself. After watching the couple in the field for a few minutes, he rode straight back into town and informed the doctor. ‘Pierre, Pierre, you must come. I was in Gaston’s field. Zere is a young couple naked ’aving sex.’

  The doctor said calmly: ‘Jean, you are not so old. Remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. L’amour, it is very natural.’

  The police chief said: ‘No, you do not understand: ze woman, she is dead.’

  The doctor grabbed his bag and rushed down to the field, but after carefully examining the participants he drove back to the police station where the old man and the police chief were waiting.

  ‘Mes amis, do not worry,’ said the doctor. ‘Ze woman, she is not dead, she is English!’

  EXCREMENT

  831

  A woman was walking through the woods when a little white duck covered in shit crossed her path. Feeling sorry for it, she took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the duck up.

  A few yards further on, another little white duck waddled out of the woods covered in shit. So she took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned it up.

  Moments later, a third white duck emerged from the bushes, covered in shit. Once again, she pulled out a Kleenex and wiped the duck’s feathers. Just as she finished doing so, she heard a male voice call out from the bushes.

  ‘Hey, lady,’ said the voice, in some distress, ‘do you have any Kleenex?’

  ‘Not any more, no.’

  ‘Too bad, I’ll have to use another duck.’

  832

  Two male flies were buzzing around in search of good-looking females. Then one spotted a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow shit and dived down towards her. ‘Pardon me,’ he asked with his best manners, ‘but is this stool taken?’

  833

  Why did the husband stop having anal sex with his wife? – Because every night it was the same old shit.

  834

  What do you do if a bird craps on your car? – Don’t ask her out again.

  835

  Stranded in the desert for two weeks with no prospect of imminent rescue, a platoon of soldiers became desperate for food. So the sergeant sent two men out to look for supplies. They returned a day later and announced: ‘There is good news and bad news.’

  ‘What’s the bad news?’ asked the sergeant.

  ‘All we found to eat is camel shit,’ replied one of the soldiers.

  ‘I see,’ said the sergeant gloomily. ‘And what’s the good news?’

  The soldier said: ‘We found tons of the stuff.’

  836

  An old lady took her dog to the vet. He said: ‘I can tell there is something seriously wrong with your dog just by looking at his stools.’

  ‘Is it because they’re a strange colour?’ she asked.

  ‘No,’ said the vet. ‘It’s because they’re coming out of his ears.’

  837

  The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist, and the idea was adopted.

  A month later, following extensive publicity for the event, the meeting hall was packed. The townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist produced a pocket watch and began chanting: ‘Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch . . .’

  The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch’s every move until suddenly the hypnotist’s fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor.

  ‘Shit!’ exclaimed the hypnotist.

  It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

  838

  Two rats were living in a sewer. One turned to the other and said: ‘I’m sick of this.’

  ‘Sick of what?’

  ‘Sick of shit for breakfast, shit for lunch, shit for dinner, shit for tea – shit all day long. I’m just sick of it.’

  ‘I know what’ll cheer you up,’ said the other rat. ‘Tonight we’ll go on the piss.’

  839

  One day, all the human body parts started arguing about who was on top.

  The mouth said: ‘I should be on top because, without me, you wouldn’t be able to eat.’

  The stomach disagreed. ‘I should be on top because if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be able to digest and transfer all the minerals and vitamins throughout the body.’

  Then the heart said: ‘I should be on top because I’m the one who circulates the blood. Without me, the whole body would die.’

  But the brain insisted: ‘Without me, you wouldn’t be able to move, eat, digest, or allow circulation of blood. So I should be on top.’

  Listening to all this, the asshole was becoming increasingly annoyed. Finally it said: ‘You know, I should be on top because if I shut my hole, shit will accumulate and block the digestive system and screw the lot of you.’

  As the argument continued to rage, the asshole had a hissy fit. ‘That’s it. I’m fed up. I’m shutting my hole.’

  For the next few days, the body couldn’t shit, the brain had trouble thinking, the stomach couldn’t digest, the mouth could barely eat, and the heart was struggling to keep the blood flow going. They all begged the asshole to open up again for business.

  The brain said: ‘Please open up, you’ve made your point.’

  The asshole smiled: ‘So everyone agrees that I’m on top?’

  ‘Yes,’ they all shouted.

  So the asshole
opened up, allowing the body to shit once more.

  And the moral of the story is, you have to be an asshole to be on top . . .

  FAIRY TALES

  840

  Once upon a time a princess was walking along a woodland path when she came across a really ugly frog. In fact, it was the most hideous frog she had ever seen.

  The princess did not mince her words. ‘My, you’re ugly!’ she said to the frog.

  ‘I know,’ said the frog. ‘I got a really bad spell put on me by a particularly evil witch.’

  ‘ I’ve seen frogs with spells before, but never one as repulsive as you.’