The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

‘Sounds like a cowboy, all right,’ agreed the others.

  ‘I entertained a lawyer,’ announced the second. ‘I could tell because he wore a three-piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time.’

  The others agreed he sounded like a lawyer.

  ‘I had a farmer for a client,’ said the third.

  ‘How do you know he was a farmer?’ asked the others.

  ‘First he complained it was too dry, then he whined that it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall.’

  865

  A salesman was talking to a farmer when he glanced over and noticed a rooster wearing pants, a shirt and suspenders. ‘What’s all that about?’ he asked.

  The farmer said: ‘We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain’t nothin’ funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other!’

  866

  Finishing the day’s harvesting early, a farmer became suspicious when he noticed the curtains drawn in his wife’s bedroom. Grabbing his shotgun, he crept up the stairs and then threw the bedroom door open to find his wife in bed with his neighbour.

  ‘I’m gonna blow your balls off!’ yelled the farmer.

  The neighbour jumped out of bed stark naked and pleaded: ‘Don’t shoot me! Give me a chance!’

  ‘OK,’ said the farmer, taking aim with the shotgun. ‘I’ll give you a chance: now swing ’em!’

  867

  A female reporter was interviewing a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. ‘Mr Brown,’ she began. ‘Do you know the causes of this terrible disease?’

  ‘Sure,’ said the farmer. ‘Do you know that the bulls only screw the cows once a year . . . ?’

  ‘That’s interesting, but what has this got to do with the origins of Mad Cow Disease?’

  ‘. . . And do you know we milk the cows twice a day?’

  ‘Mr Brown, what exactly is your point?’

  ‘Well, lady, if I played with your tits twice a day but only screwed you once a year, wouldn’t you go mad?’

  868

  A salesman stopped at an isolated farmhouse to ask for a room for the night. The farmer said there wasn’t a vacancy but suggested: ‘I could let you sleep with my daughter if you promise not to bother her.’

  The salesman agreed, undressed in the dark, slipped into bed and felt the farmer’s daughter at his side. The next morning he asked the farmer for his bill.

  ‘It’ll be just two dollars,’ said the farmer, ‘since you had to share the bed.’

  ‘Your daughter was very cold in that bed,’ said the salesman.

  ‘Yes, I know,’ said the farmer. ‘We’re going to bury her today.’

  869

  Did you hear about the farmer who couldn’t keep his hands off his young wife? – So he fired them.

  870

  A clergyman watched while a young farmer struggled to load a pile of manure back onto the cart after it had fallen off. Seeing him toiling in the hot son, the clergyman said: ‘Why don’t you rest a moment?’

  ‘No,’ mumbled the young man, ‘my father wouldn’t like it.’

  ‘But surely everyone is entitled to a break.’

  ‘My father wouldn’t like it.’

  ‘He must be a real slave driver,’ said the clergyman. ‘Tell me where he is, and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!’

  ‘He’s under the pile of manure.’

  871

  A farmer went to market to buy a cow, but found that the only animal he could afford was a female zebra being sold off cheap by the local zoo. Thinking he might be able to use her around the farm, he bought the zebra and took her home. The zebra was eager to earn her keep and asked the other farm animals how they kept busy.

  ‘I peck corn all day,’ said the chicken.

  ‘I’m afraid I can’t do that,’ said the zebra.

  ‘I pull the plough all day,’ said the horse.

  ‘That looks too heavy for me,’ said the zebra.

  Eventually the zebra asked the bull what he did all day. ‘It’s difficult to explain,’ said the bull, ‘but if you take your pyjamas off, I’d be happy to show you.’

  872

  A man moved from New York to a farm in the country. In the first week of his new life, he realized he was out of chicken feed so he made the two-hour drive to the nearest store. However, the clerk refused to sell him any unless he could prove that he actually kept chickens.

  ‘It’s a health thing,’ explained the clerk. ‘We don’t want people eating chicken feed or they could get sick and sue us. So I need proof that you have chickens.’

  Exasperated, the guy drove all the way home, fetched one of his chickens and drove all the way back to the store. The clerk happily sold him some chicken feed.

  The next day the guy ran out of dog food and drove to the store. Again the clerk refused to sell him any unless he could prove that he owned a dog. Furious, the guy drove all the way home, loaded his dog into the truck and drove all the way back to the store. Seeing the dog, the clerk happily sold him the dog food.

  The following day the guy went to the store again. This time he was carrying a shoebox with a lid on it that had a hole in the top. He said to the clerk: ‘Put your finger in this hole, take it out and smell it.’

  ‘Urgh! That smells like shit!’ said the clerk.

  ‘Yup. I’d like to buy some toilet paper.’

  873

  A high-tech milking machine arrived when the farmer’s wife was away for a month visiting her sick mother, so, in her absence, the farmer decided to try it out on himself. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned on the switch and found that it provided him with as much pleasure as his wife. But when he had finished, he couldn’t manage to take the instrument off.

  He read through the manual and pressed every possible button. He discovered buttons that made the equipment contract, shake, or suck harder, but none that removed it.

  Starting to panic, he called the supplier’s customer help line. ‘Hello,’ he said, ‘I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how do I take it off the cow’s udder?’

  The voice at the other end replied: ‘Don’t worry. The machine is programmed to release automatically after collecting about two litres of milk.’

  874

  A farmer had more than 200 hens, but no rooster. Desperate for chicks, he called on his neighbour to ask whether he could sell him a rooster.

  ‘Sure,’ said the neighbour, ‘I’ve got this great rooster named Randy; he’ll service every chicken you’ve got. No problem.’

  Randy didn’t come cheap but the farmer figured he would be worth it. So after concluding the deal, he took the bird home, set him down in the barnyard and gave him a pep talk.

  ‘Now listen. Randy,’ he began, ‘I want you to pace yourself. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money, and I need you to do a good job. So by all means have fun but take your time.’

  Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed towards the hen house. Randy immediately took off like a rooster possessed, nailing every hen in sight three, sometimes even four, times. The farmer could hardly believe his eyes. But Randy wasn’t finished yet. He raced straight from the hen house to turn his amorous attention to a flock of geese down by the lake. After servicing every goose, he broke into the pigpen. Then he started on the cows. Within two hours of his arrival. Randy had jumped on every animal in the farm. The farmer was distraught, worried that his expensive rooster wouldn’t even last the day.

  Sure enough, the following morning the farmer woke to see Randy lying dead in the middle of the yard. Buzzards were circling overhead. Saddened, the farmer walked over to him and, shaking his head, said: ‘Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down. Now look what you’ve done to yourself.’

  Randy opene
d one eye, nodded towards the sky and whispered: ‘Sshh! They’re getting closer . . .’

  FARTING

  875

  An old woman was riding in an elevator in a smart New York City building when a beautiful young woman stepped in, smelling of expensive perfume. She turned to the old woman and said arrogantly: ‘Romance by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce.’

  On the next floor, another beautiful young woman got into the elevator, also smelling of expensive perfume. She, too, turned to the old woman and sniffed: ‘Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce.’

  Three floors later, the old woman reached her destination. As she was about to leave the elevator, she looked at the two beautiful young things, bent over, farted and announced: ‘Broccoli, 49 cents a pound.’

  876

  Two flies were sitting on a piece of shit when one farted. The other said: ‘Please, I’m trying to eat here.’

  877

  An old man and his wife were lying in bed. After a few minutes, he let out an almighty fart and shouted, ‘Seven points.’

  His wife rolled over and said: ‘What in the world was that?’

  The old man said: ‘Touchdown, I’m ahead 7-0.’

  A few minutes later, the wife, entering into the spirit, let one go and declared: ‘Touchdown, tie score.’

  But ten minutes later, the old man farted again and announced: ‘Touchdown, I’m ahead 14-7.’

  Not to be outdone, the wife quickly farted again and said: ‘Touchdown, tie score.’

  Desperate to regain the lead, the old man strained really hard, but he just couldn’t force out a fart. He gave it everything he had and in the end he strained so hard that he pooped in the bed.

  The wife asked: ‘Now what in the world was that?’

  The old man replied: ‘Half-time, switch sides.’

  878

  What did the maxi pad say to the fart? – You are the wind beneath my wings.

  879

  A woman in a restaurant farted loudly just as the waiter was approaching her table. Knowing that everyone in the place must have heard the noise, she desperately tried to save face by telling the waiter. ‘Stop that!’

  The waiter said: ‘Sure, lady. Which way is it headed?’

  880

  Two old ladies were comparing the merits of stockings and tights.

  ‘I prefer stockings,’ said one.

  ‘Me too,’ said the other. ‘I think they’re more refined and elegant, don’t you?’

  ‘Definitely. Besides, if I fart wearing tights I usually blow my slippers off!’

  881

  What happens when you eat baked beans and peanut butter? – You get a fart that sticks to the roof of your ass.

  882

  A tramp walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender said: ‘I’ll have to see your money first.’

  ‘I’m broke,’ admitted the tramp, ‘but if you give me a little bottle of whiskey, I’ll get up on that stage and fart “Dixie”.’

  Thinking that this had to be worth seeing, the bartender agreed. The tramp drank the bottle of whiskey, staggered on stage, and the audience applauded. Next he dropped his pants, and the audience cheered wildly. But then he crapped all over the stage, and the audience walked out in disgust.

  The bartender yelled: ‘You said you were gonna fart “Dixie”, not crap all over my stage!’

  ‘Hey,’ said the tramp. ‘Even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before he sang!’

  883

  A woman went into an exclusive store to buy a rug but as she bent down to inspect it, she farted loudly. ‘I’m terribly sorry,’ she told the salesman. ‘It just slipped out.’

  The salesman said: ‘Lady, if you farted just touching it, you’re gonna crap your pants when you see what the price is!’

  884

  Alone in an elevator, an Avon lady could no longer hold in a fart. Immediately after letting it go, she reached into her bag and sprayed the air with deodorizer.

  Two floors later, a man got in and began to sniff.

  ‘Can you smell something?’ asked the Avon lady.

  ‘Yes, I can,’ said the man.

  ‘What does it smell like?’

  ‘Mmm,’ he mused. ‘It smells like someone crapped in a pine tree.’

  People Who Fart:

  885

  The vain person – one who loves the smell of his own farts.

  886

  The amiable person – one who loves the smell of other people’s farts.

  887

  The proud person – one who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.

  888

  The shy person – one who releases silent farts, then blushes.

  889

  The imprudent person – one who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.

  890

  The unfortunate person – one who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.

  891

  The nervous person – one who stops in the middle of a fart.

  892

  The honest person – one who admits he farted, but offers a plausible medical reason.

  893

  The dishonest person – one who farts but blames the dog.

  894

  The thrifty person – one who always holds several farts in reserve.

  895

  The unsociable person – one who excuses himself and farts in private.

  896

  The strategic person – one who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

  897

  The sadistic person – one who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.

  898

  The intelligent person – one who can determine, from the smell of his neighbour’s fart, exactly what he has eaten recently.

  FISHING

  899

  Three guys – a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian – went fishing at a lake. The German took out his dick, dipped it in the water, waited a few moments and told the others: ‘I can feel the temperature of the water. It’s 18 degrees Celsius.’

  His two companions were amazed. ‘Let me try,’ said the Englishman. So he put his organ in the water, waited and announced: ‘To be more precise, the temperature is 18.4 degrees Celsius.’

  Then the Nigerian man said: ‘Let me have a try.’ So he took his dick, dipped it in the lake, waited a moment and said: ‘I’ve no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2ft 7in deep!’

  900

  A Boston couple went away on vacation to Canada. The husband loved to fish, but the wife was happy reading. One morning the husband set off early to finish and when he returned to their cabin, he decided to take a nap. While he slept, the wife took the boat out to enjoy the beautiful scenery. Unfamiliar with the geography of the lake, she rowed out to the middle, dropped anchor and began reading her book.

  A few minutes later, another boat pulled alongside. It was the game warden.

  ‘Do you mind if I ask what you’re doing, ma’am?’

  ‘Reading my book,’ she replied.

  ‘Well, I’m afraid this is a restricted fishing area, and you’re not allowed to be here.’

  ‘But I’m not fishing,’ she protested.

  He glanced at the boat. ‘But you have all this equipment. I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to report you.’

  ‘If you do,’ she argued. ‘I’ll charge you with rape.’

  ‘But I didn’t touch you!’

  ‘No, but you have all the equipment!’

  901

  A man and his grandson went fishing. After an hour on the riverbank, the man lit a cigarette.

  ‘Grandpa,’ asked the boy, ‘can I try some of your cigarette?’

  ‘Can you touch your asshole with your penis?’ asked the grandfather.

  ‘No,’ said the boy.

  ‘Then you’re not old enough for cigarettes.’

  Half an hour later, the grandfather opened a can of beer.

  ‘Grandpa, can I try some of your beer?’

  The old man
looked at him. ‘Can you touch your asshole with your penis?’

  ‘No,’ said the boy solemnly.

  ‘Then you’re not old enough for beer.’

  Ten minutes later, the boy took some cookies from his lunchbox.

  ‘They look good,’ said his grandfather. ‘Can I have one of your cookies?’