The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  The husband was sceptical, but the hospital staff promised to close the curtains to allow him total privacy. Besides, they said, anything was worth a try. So the husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. But after a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat-lined. There was no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses dashed into the room. The husband stood there, pulling up his pants, and said sadly: ‘I think she choked.’

  1140

  What’s grey, sits at the bed and takes the piss? – A kidney dialysis machine.

  1141

  A gorgeous young woman was lying on a trolley in a hospital corridor prior to being taken down to the operating theatre. A young man in a white coat came over, lifted up the sheet and looked at the girl’s naked body before discussing his findings with two other men in white coats. Then the second man lifted up the sheet to examine her. But when the third man came over and lifted the sheet, the young woman lost her temper.

  ‘Are these examinations absolutely necessary?’ she demanded.

  ‘I’ve no idea,’ said the man. ‘We’re here to paint the ceiling.’

  1142

  Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. Eventually one said: ‘Let’s play doctor.’

  ‘Good idea,’ said the other. ‘You operate, and I’ll sue.’

  1143

  How can you tell a head nurse? – She’s the one with the dirty knees.

  1144

  A man was lying in a hospital bed, covered in bandages from head to toe. The guy in the next bed asked: ‘What do you do for a living?’

  ‘I’m a former window cleaner.’

  ‘Oh, when did you give it up?’

  ‘Halfway down.’

  1145

  A disturbing pattern began to emerge in the intensive care unit of a major city hospital. Every Monday for ten successive weeks at 7 a.m. precisely, the patient in bed number twelve died suddenly. All manner of theories were advanced, but with no satisfactory explanation forthcoming, the medical staff decided to observe the bed in secret. As they waited for the fateful hour, some clutched crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences while the less superstitious carried a video recorder to capture every moment on tape.

  At the stroke of seven o’clock, the door to the ward opened slowly, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

  1146

  An old man in hospital complained to the nurse: ‘My dick died.’

  Later, when the doctor made his rounds, the old man told him: ‘My dick died.’

  And when Sister came around that evening, the old man announced: ‘My dick died.’

  Next day the doctor saw him walking down the corridor, exposing himself. The doctor told him: ‘Your penis is hanging out of your pyjamas.’

  The old man said: ‘Well, I told you my dick died.’

  ‘So . . . ?’

  ‘Well, today’s the viewing.’

  HUNTING

  1147

  Two hunters were out in the woods when one of them collapsed. He didn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes were glazed. His companion took out his phone and called the emergency services.

  ‘My friend is dead,’ he gasped. ‘What can I do?’

  The operator said: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

  There was a silence, then the sound of a gunshot.

  The guy returned to the phone and said: ‘OK, now what?’

  1148

  A guy was out hunting when his shotgun went off accidentally, shooting him right in the penis. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had removed the pellets and appeared to have done a wonderful job repairing it. As he prepared to be discharged, the doctor handed him a business card.

  ‘This is my brother’s card,’ said the doctor. ‘I’ll make an appointment for you to see him.’

  The patient said: ‘Is your brother a doctor?’

  ‘No, he plays the flute. He’ll show you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.’

  1149

  A group of friends went deer hunting and split up in pairs for the day. That night one hunter returned alone, staggering under the weight of an 81b buck.

  ‘Where’s Martin?’ asked the others.

  ‘Martin had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail.’

  The others were stunned. ‘You left Martin lying out there and carried the deer back?’

  ‘It was a tough call, but I figured no one is going to steal Martin.’

  1150

  A British explorer in Africa came across a pygmy standing next to a dead elephant.

  ‘Did you kill this elephant?’ asked the explorer.

  ‘Yes,’ answered the pygmy.

  ‘What did you use?’

  ‘A big club,’ replied the pygmy.

  ‘That must have been an enormous club,’ said the explorer.

  ‘Yes, it is,’ said the pygmy. ‘There are about 500 of us.’

  1151

  A hunter was giving a fellow hunter a tour of his home. Occupying pride of place in the living room was a stuffed lion.

  ‘Hey,’ enthused the visitor hunter, ‘when did you bag him?’

  ‘About three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife.’

  ‘And what’s he stuffed with?’

  ‘My wife.’

  1152

  A guy went deer hunting in North Carolina. After shooting a deer, he was dragging it back to his truck when he was stopped by a game warden who asked to see his hunting licence. The hunter showed him the licence and was just about to leave when the warden shouted out: ‘Hey, not so fast! I need to inspect the deer.’

  The warden reached down, inserted his finger up the deer’s butt, pulled it out, then sniffed his finger. ‘This ain’t no North Carolina deer,’ he snarled. ‘This here is a Virginia deer. You need to have a Virginia hunting licence to hunt this deer. You got one?’

  It so happened that the guy had been hunting in Virginia the week before and was able to produce a valid licence. Reluctantly, the warden let him go.

  The next week the guy was out hunting again. He shot another deer and was dragging it back to his truck when the same game warden pounced. ‘Just a minute,’ yelled the warden. ‘I need to inspect that deer.’

  The warden reached down, stuck his finger up the deer’s butt, pulled it out, sniffed his finger and announced triumphantly: ‘This here is a South Carolina deer! You got a South Carolina hunting licence?’

  ‘Sure,’ said the hunter, fetching the necessary document from his truck. Thwarted again, the warden had no option but to let him go.

  This battle went on for the next three weeks. Each week the hunter shot a deer – one from Georgia, one from Tennessee, and one from West Virginia. Each time the game warden did the finger test, only for the hunter to produce a correct licence.

  The West Virginia deer was the last straw for the exasperated warden. He raged: ‘You seem to have got a hunting licence for every damn state in the south! Where the hell are you from anyway?’

  The hunter dropped his pants, bent over and said: ‘You tell me!’

  1153

  An African village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great white hunter, Cholmondley-Smythe, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never showed. Fearing that he was too visible, he told the chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, Cholmondley-Smythe then went to the pasture and, with his cunning camouflage, waited for the lion.

  In the middle of the night, the villagers were woken by blood-curdling screams coming from the pasture. They arrived to find Cholmondley-Smythe writhing in agony. ‘What happened?’ asked the chief. ‘Where is the lion?’

  ‘Damn the lion!’ said the hunter. ‘Which of you idiots let the bull loose?’

  1154

  A young man from the city went to visit hi
s uncle in the country but after a few days he became bored. The uncle tried to think of something for the city slicker to do and eventually suggested: ‘Why don’t you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?’

  The nephew cheered up immediately and off he went with the dogs in tow. He returned a few hours later.

  ‘How did you enjoy that?’ asked uncle.

  ‘It was great!’ exclaimed the nephew. ‘Got any more dogs?’

  SADDAM HUSSEIN

  1155

  The eight Saddam Hussein body doubles were summoned to a bunker in downtown Baghdad. The deputy Prime Minister, Tariq Aziz, entered and said: ‘I have some good news and some bad news.’

  ‘What is the good news?’ they asked.

  ‘The good news,’ said Aziz, ‘is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs.’

  ‘And the bad news?’

  ‘He’s lost an arm.’

  1156

  What did Saddam Hussein say when he came out of his hole? – Did I beat David Blaine?

  1157

  Saddam Hussein, his vice-president and his head of security were relaxing on the balcony of one of Saddam’s palaces when a flock of geese flew overhead.

  ‘Quick,’ said Saddam to his vice-president. ‘Shoot the geese.’

  The vice-president picked up a rifle, took aim at the geese, but missed completely. Saddam shook his head in despair.

  ‘You try,’ Saddam said to his head of security, who promptly took aim with the rifle but also failed to hit a single goose.

  Saddam was unimpressed. ‘You’re both useless,’ he snapped. ‘Why is it I have to everything around here myself?’

  With that, he picked up the rifle, took careful aim and fired five rounds into the air. Not one bird fell. An awkward silence descended upon his two colleagues until the head of security pointed at the flock and said: ‘My God, would you look at that! Dead birds flying!’

  1158

  Good News

  Saddam Hussein is facing the death penalty.

  1159

  Bad News

  David Beckham is taking it.

  1160

  Saddam Hussein called George W. Bush and said: ‘George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner.’

  ‘What did it say on the banners?’ asked Bush.

  ‘Long Live Saddam Hussein!’

  Bush said: ‘You know, Saddam, I’m really happy you called because last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been completely rebuilt and on each house flew an enormous banner.’

  ‘What did the banners say?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Bush. ‘I can’t read Hebrew!’

  1161

  Why is Saddam Hussein afraid to have sex with a girl? – Because when he opens her legs he’ll see Bush.

  1162

  Saddam Hussein was sitting in his Baghdad palace planning his next military campaign when his telephone rang.

  ‘Hello, Mr Hussein,’ said the voice on the other end of the phone. ‘This is Paddy from County Donegal in Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you.’

  ‘Well, Paddy,’ replied Saddam, ‘this is indeed important news. Tell me, how big is your army?’

  ‘At this moment in time,’ said Paddy after a moment’s calculation, ‘there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Michael, and the dominoes team from the pub – that makes eight in all.’

  Saddam sighed. ‘I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.’

  Paddy fell silent, then said sombrely: ‘I’ll have to ring you back.’

  Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. ‘Right, Mr Hussein,’ he said. ‘The war is still on. We have managed to acquire some equipment.’

  ‘And what equipment would that be, Paddy?’ asked Saddam.

  ‘Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy’s tractor.’

  Once more Saddam sighed. ‘I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 18,000 tanks, 13,000 armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke.’

  ‘Really?’ said Paddy, crestfallen. ‘I’ll have to ring you back.’

  Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. ‘Right, Mr Hussein, the war is still on. We have managed to get ourselves airborne. We’ve modified Gerry’s glider with a couple of rifles in the cockpit, and the bridge team has joined us as well!’

  Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. ‘I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 11,000 bombers, 20,000 MiG attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million.’

  ‘Is that so?’ said Paddy quietly. ‘I’ll have to ring you back.’

  Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. ‘Right, Mr Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ said Saddam. ‘Why the sudden change of heart?’

  ‘Well,’ replied Paddy, ‘we had a chat about it, and there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.’

  HYGIENE

  1163

  Two American guys were chatting over a beer. Then one said: ‘Do you like women with bad body odour and bad breath?’

  ‘No way,’ replied his friend.

  ‘Do you like pussies you could hide a watermelon in?’

  ‘No way.’

  ‘Then what the hell are you doing messing around with my wife?’

  1164

  Why do men take showers instead of baths? – Because pissing in the bath is disgusting.

  Signs That You Don’t Take Enough Baths:

  1165

  The dirt on your body can be seen from 100 yards away.

  1166

  The manager at a sewage plant greets you with the words, ‘What’s that smell?’

  1167

  On Christmas morning you find several bars of soap in your stocking.

  1168

  You stick to everything.

  1169

  Two or more people have choked to death in your presence.

  1170

  Whenever you walk down the street, it seems like it’s raining flies.

  1171

  Old people are offended by your odour.

  1172

  Jehovah’s Witnesses call at every house except yours.

  1173

  A man went into a pharmacy and asked for an anal deodorant.

  ‘We don’t stock anal deodorants,’ said the pharmacist.

  ‘Yes you do,’ insisted the man. ‘I bought one from this store only last month.’

  The pharmacist was puzzled. ‘Well, OK, then, if you bring in the old container, I’ll do my best to match it up.’

  The next day the man returned and handed the old can of deodorant to the pharmacist. The words on the label read: ‘To use, push up bottom.’

  HYPOCHONDRIA

  1174

  Mrs Peabody was an incorrigible hypochondriac who pestered her doctor for years with imaginary ailments. He simply used to prescribe her aspirin under a different name to keep her happy. One day she came to him complaining of chest pains, and he prescribed her the usual tablets. But this time her condition was genuine and she died two days later of a heart attack. The doctor was so distraught to hear of her death that he dropped dead from shock.

  It so happened that Mrs Peabody and the doctor were buried in adjoining plots. The day after his burial, the doctor heard a tapping sound on his coffin. A muffled voice called out: ‘Doctor, this is Mrs Peabody. Do you have anything for worms?’

  IMPOTENCE

  1175

  Having being informed that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman arrived at the clinic, she was told to undress, climb on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling very uncomfortable about the whole situation and when the doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked.