‘Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?’ she yelled.
‘Don’t you want to get pregnant?’ demanded the doctor.
‘Well, yes, but . . .’
‘Then lie back and spread ’em,’ ordered the doctor. ‘We’re out of the bottled stuff, so you’ll have to make do with what’s on tap.’
1176
No longer able to obtain an erection, a guy consulted a doctor about the problem. The doctor said that because of serious muscle damage to the base of the penis, the only hope was for radical experimental surgery in the form of inserting the muscles of a baby elephant’s trunk into the base of the patient’s penis. Even then, the doctor warned, it was a long shot. The guy admitted it sounded a daunting prospect but decided that it was worth the risk just to have the chance of having sex again.
The doctor performed the surgery and a couple of months later he gave the patient permission to try out his new equipment. By way of celebration, he took his girlfriend out to dinner, but while in the restaurant he suddenly began to feel unbearable pressure in his pants. Finally he could stand it no longer and secretly unzipped his pants in a bid to relieve the pain. No sooner had he done so than his penis rose out of his pants, reached across the table, grabbed a dinner roll and disappeared back into his pants.
His girlfriend was mightily impressed. ‘Hey, that was cool. Can you do it again?’
By now the guy’s eyes were watering with the pain. ‘Probably,’ he gasped, ‘but I don’t know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!’
1177
A man had problems getting an erection. So he went to a doctor who, after a thorough examination, said: ‘There’s nothing wrong with you physically. You’re suffering from “performance anxiety”. My advice is to wait until your wife is asleep and then reach down between her legs, get a little of her love juice on your finger and rub it under your nose. This will stimulate your brain and should result in an erection. With your wife asleep, there will be no performance anxiety. Once the desired effect is achieved, wake her up and make love to her.’
That night, the man went home and eagerly followed the doctor’s instructions. He reached down between his wife’s legs, got her love juice rubbed it on his upper lip right beneath his nose. After a couple of minutes, he began to feel a tingling sensation between his legs, so he grabbed more juice and rubbed it under his nose. Soon he had a full erection.
Excitedly he woke his wife and said: ‘Look, honey! Look what I have!’
She moaned: ‘You wake me up at two o’clock in the morning to show me you have a bloody nose?’
1178
An elderly man went to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was full. The receptionist was a large, imposing woman, who said to him in a very loud voice: ‘You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?’
All of the other patients’ heads turned. Hugely embarrassed, the old man recovered his composure to reply in an equally loud voice: ‘No, I’ve come to inquire about a sex change operation – and I’d like the same doctor that did yours!’
1179
A guy who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor who gave him a monkey gland implant. The treatment worked perfectly and, nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby.
When the nurse came out of the delivery room to break the news, the husband asked eagerly: ‘Is it a boy or a girl?’
The nurse said: ‘We won’t know until it comes down off the chandelier.’
INCEST
1180
Jack and Jenny were twins who couldn’t find dates to the prom. So Jenny asked Jack to go with her, but Jack wasn’t too keen on the idea.
‘No, you’re my sister,’ he said. ‘That’s gross.’ But, as the day of the prom drew nearer and he still hadn’t found another date, he reluctantly agreed to take Jenny.
As they stood by the punch bowl at the prom, Jenny asked Jack to dance. ‘No,’ said Jack. ‘You’re my sister. That’s gross.’ But Jenny persuaded him and they had fun.
After the dance Jenny asked Jack to drive her to Makeout Hill. ‘No,’ said Jack. ‘You’re my sister. It would be gross.’
Jenny promised that they would just talk, so Jack relented. They were at Makeout Hill talking when Jenny moved to the back seat and said: ‘Come on, Jack, take me.’
This time. Jack didn’t argue. When he moved on top of Jenny, she murmured: ‘You’re a lot lighter than Dad.’
Jack said: ‘I know. Mom told me last night.’
1181
A young girl from the Deep South said to her father: ‘Dad I really want to see that new Brad Pitt movie. Please can I go?’
The father replied: ‘Only if you suck my dick.’
The girl was repulsed by the idea, but the father remained adamant. She was so desperate to see the movie that eventually she gave in and put his member in her mouth. As soon as she did, she leaped back and screamed. ‘Yuk, it tastes like shit!’
‘Yeah,’ said the father. ‘Your brother wanted to go to the movies too.’
INSANITY
1182
A farmer was pulling a cart load of horse manure past an asylum.
A mental patient peered over the fence and inquired: ‘What are you going to do with all that?’
‘I’m going to put it on my strawberries,’ replied the farmer.
‘You must be mad,’ said the patient. ‘We put cream and sugar on ours.’
1183
A man walked into a dentist’s surgery and said: ‘Excuse me, can you help me? I think I’m a moth.’
‘You don’t need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist!’
‘Yes, I know.’
‘So why did you come in here?’
‘The light was on.’
1184
A man went to a psychiatrist and said: ‘I think my wife should be put in a mental home. Last week she bought 20lbs of wire wool.’
‘Well,’ agreed the psychiatrist, ‘that is certainly an abnormally large amount, but it doesn’t mean that she’s certifiable.’
‘Oh, no?’ said the man. ‘But then she started knitting an electric fire!’
1185
A man who had been in a mental home for a number of years seemed to have improved to the point where he thought he might be released. But the head of the institution, exercising caution, wanted to interview him first.
‘Tell me,’ he said, ‘if we release you, what do you intend doing with your life?’
The inmate said: ‘I can’t wait to get back to normality. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here in the first place. So if I am released, I shall confine my work to pure theory where I hope the situation will be less stressful.’
‘That sounds admirable,’ said the head of the institution.
‘Alternatively,’ continued the inmate, ‘I might teach. There is a great deal to be said for spending one’s life in encouraging a new generation of scientists.’
‘I couldn’t agree more,’ said the head.
‘Or then again I might write,’ mused the inmate. ‘There is considerable need for books on science to which the general public can relate. Or, who knows, I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this splendid institution.’
‘That would be an interesting possibility,’ agreed the head.
‘And if all else fails,’ added the inmate, I can always continue my life as a teapot.’
IRAQ
1186
On returning from service in Iraq, three US soldiers were asked to report to their commander who announced that, because of their gallantry, the army would be paying each of them $100 per inch on their bodies from one point to another of their choice. The commander asked the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he could measure him up.
‘I’ll have the top of my head to the tips of my toes, sahr!’
‘Sure,’ said the commander, measuring him. �
�That’s 70 inches, so here’s $7,000.’
Next he asked the second man, a marine, who answered: ‘I’ll have from the tips of both arms outstretched, sahr!’
‘OK,’ said the commander, measuring the marine’s outstretched arms. ‘That’s 75 inches, so here’s $7,500.’
Finally he asked the third soldier, an explosives expert, who said: ‘I’ll have from the tip of my dick to the end of my balls, sahr!’
The commander was slightly taken aback by the request but agreed and began to measure the private’s privates. After a few seconds, he suddenly stood up and demanded: ‘Where are your balls, soldier?’
The soldier said: ‘Baghdad, sahr!’
1187
Why is it twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? – You only have to teach them to take off.
1188
Morale was low among a US platoon stationed just outside Baghdad. In a desperate attempt to revive flagging spirits, the sergeant announced: ‘Good news, men. We may not be getting the new weapons we’ve been promised, but at least we’re going to have a change of underwear.’
The men visibly brightened. The sergeant continued: ‘Right. Anderson, you change with Winters. Winters, you change with Kanchelsky . . .’
1189
What’s the difference between Iraq and Vietnam? – Bush had an escape plan for Vietnam.
1190
News reports state that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi primary school and removed a ruler, a set square, a protractor, and a calculator. George W. Bush said this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq did indeed possess weapons of maths instruction.
IRISH JOKES
1191
Paddy and Mick were walking home after a drunken night on the town. They had no money for a taxi and were staggering around aimlessly when they found themselves outside the bus depot. Suddenly Paddy had a brainwave and said to Mick: ‘Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home. I’ll wait out here and keep a lookout for the police.’
So Mick went in, but twenty minutes later there was still no sign of him. Mystified as to what was going on, Paddy poked his head around the door and saw Mick running from bus to bus, looking extremely worried.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ asked Paddy. ‘Get a move on!’
‘I can’t find a number 7 anywhere, Paddy.’
Paddy threw up his hands in disbelief. ‘Just how stupid are you, Mick? For Christ’s sake steal a number 9, and we’ll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!’
1192
An Irishman went for a job on a construction site.
The foreman said: ‘Can you brew tea?’
The Irishman said: ‘Yes.’
‘Good,’ said the foreman. ‘Can you drive a fork lift?’
‘Why?’ asked the Irishman. ‘Just how big is the teapot?’
1193
Did you hear about the Irish loan shark who lent out all his money and then skipped town?
1194
A German, a Scotsman and an Irishman were enjoying their pints of beer until three flies suddenly buzzed into the bar and landed in each of their drinks. The German was disgusted and pushed his pint away. The Scotsman pulled the insect out of his pint and continued drinking. The Irishman was furious. He pulled the fly out by the wings, held it over his pint and yelled: ‘Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!’
1195
Why did the Irishman buy a plate with four corners? – So that he could have a square meal.
1196
Two Irish construction workers – Liam and Barry – were toiling away while their boss just sat around drinking tea. After a while Liam got so fed up that he turned to Barry and said: ‘How come we do all the work while he drinks tea and gets all the money?’
‘I don’t know,’ said Barry. ‘Why don’t you ask him?’
So Liam went over to his boss and said: ‘How come we do all the work while you drink tea and get all the money?’
The boss replied simply: ‘Intelligence.’
‘What do you mean, intelligence?’ said Liam.
The boss said: ‘I’ll show you.’ He then put his hand on a tree and told Liam: ‘Hit my hand as hard as you can.’
Liam wound up his most powerful punch but just as he was about to land it, the boss pulled his hand away and Liam’s fist thudded into the tree.
Nursing his wounds, Liam went back to Barry. ‘Well,’ asked Barry, ‘what did he say?’
Smiling to himself, Liam promised to explain. He looked around for a tree but couldn’t find one. So he put his hand on his face and said to Barry: ‘Hit my hand as hard as you can . . .’
1197
How can you spot the Irish Jew at the Wailing Wall? – He’s the one with the harpoon.
1198
Murphy and O’Reilly were driving their truck down a country lane when they spotted a sign saying, ‘Low bridge ahead. 11ft Clearance.’
‘Damn,’ said Murphy. ‘This truck is 12ft high.’
O’Reilly leaned out the window to check up and down the lane. ‘What do you say we go for it?’ he said. ‘There’s nobody around to report us.’
1199
Paddy and Danny got in the car for the journey home and said their goodbyes to their friend Mick.
‘Thanks for putting us up for the weekend,’ said Paddy. ‘The food was great, the booze was great, and I really enjoyed screwing your wife!’
On the way home, Danny turned to Paddy and said: ‘I hope you weren’t serious about enjoying screwing his wife?’
‘No,’ said Paddy, I can’t say that I enjoyed it, but I didn’t want to hurt Mick’s feelings.’
1200
A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting nearby how deep the water was.
‘A couple of inches,’ replied the Irishman.
So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a cauldron of bubbles.
‘That’s odd,’ thought the Irishman. ‘The water only goes halfway up on those ducks.’
1201
Paddy’s wife went to the doctor’s for a checkup. Afterwards the doctor told her: ‘I must inform you that you have a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle.’
When she got home, she told Paddy: ‘Sure, you’re not going to believe this. I went to the doctor and he said: “You have a fish in your uterus, and if you have a baby it will be a mackerel.”’
1202
A penguin walked into an Irish bar in Antarctica and said: ‘Have you seen my brother?’
The bartender said: ‘What does he look like?’
1203
How do you confuse an Irishman? – Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick.
1204
Murphy walked into work with both of his ears bandaged up. The boss said: ‘What happened to your ears?’
Murphy said: ‘Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron.’
The boss said: ‘Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?’
‘Jeez,’ said Murphy, I had to call the doctor!’
1205
Seamus said to Paddy: ‘I’m taking my pig to market next week and I want to find out how much it weighs.’
‘No problem at all,’ said Paddy. ‘To figure out how heavy a pig is, you find a good stout plank of wood and balance it on the pole of a fence. Tie the pig onto one end of the plank, then run around to the other side and put a rock on the opposite end. Keep trying different rocks until you get one that balances with the pig. You see, it’s that simple. Then all you have to do is guess the weight of the rock.’
1206
Did you hear about the Irish firing squad? – They stood in a circle.
1207
Paddy and Sean went duck hunting. Paddy shot at a flying bird, and it dropped dead at his feet. Sean turned to him and said: ‘You could have saved yourself a shot there, Paddy. From tha
t height, the fall alone would have killed it.’
1208
An Irishman came home and told his wife he had been banned from the local DIY store.
‘Why?’ she asked.
‘Well,’ he said, ‘a bloke in overalls came up to me and asked if I wanted decking, so I thought I’d get the first punch in.’
1209
How did the Irish fish die? – It drowned.
1210
A drunk knocked on a door. When a woman opened it, he yelled: ‘I’m Irish, I’m horny, and I want an Irish colleen!’
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 33