Before the woman could respond, he peered in and shouted: ‘Begorrah! There’s a beauty lying over there. I’ll have her!’
‘I’m going to have to ask you to leave,’ said the woman frostily.
‘What’s the matter?’ sneered the drunk. ‘Are you prejudiced? I just want that girl over there. I’ve got plenty of money – there, see for yourself – so why can’t I come in?’
‘Because,’ replied the woman, ‘this is a funeral home.’
1211
The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse could get a decent footing on the cathedral roof.
1212
An Irishman was taking his driving test. The examiner asked him what a single yellow line means.
The Irishman replied: ‘It means you can’t park there at all.’
‘And what does a double yellow line mean?’
The Irishman said:‘It means you can’t park there at all, at all.’
1213
Where do an Irish family go on holiday? – A different bar.
1214
‘Paddy,’ asked the barmaid, ‘what are those two bulges down the front of your trousers?’
‘They’re hand grenades,’ said Paddy. ‘The next time that queer Flanagan comes in here and starts feeling my balls, I’ll blow his bloody fingers off!’
1215
Why did God prevent alcohol? – To prevent the Irish from ruling the world.
1216
A Donegal farmer was ploughing his field when his dim-witted son asked if he could help.
‘I don’t know, son,’ said the farmer. ‘Ploughing needs a steady hand.’
The son looked crestfallen.
‘OK, then. Here, take this, and I’ll watch you.’
So the son began ploughing, but his lines were all over the place. ‘I don’t understand,’ he said. ‘I was watching the plough to make sure that I didn’t go crooked.’
‘That’s the problem,’ said the farmer. ‘Don’t look at the plough – you have to watch where you’re going. Look at the other end of the field, pick out an object and head straight for it. That way, you’ll cut a straight row every time.’
With that, the farmer went back to the house, leaving the son to plough a lone furrow. When he returned, the farmer saw to his horror that the boy had cut the worst row he had seen in his life. It went all over the field in haphazard circles.
‘What happened?’ he asked his son. ‘I’ve never seen such a terrible field. There’s not one straight line.’
‘But I did what you said: ‘I fixed my sights on that dog playing at the other end of the field.’
1217
A cop stopped two Irish drunks in the street. He asked the first: ‘Can I have your name and address?’
The first replied: ‘I’m Paddy O’Grady of no fixed address.’
Then the cop turned to the second drunk and asked the same question.
The second drunk answered: ‘I’m Seamus OToole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.’
1218
Murphy marched into the library and told the librarian: ‘I’ve got a complaint about a book I took out last week. It has way too many characters, and there is no plot at all.’
The librarian said: ‘Are you the person who took our phone directory?’
1219
Did you hear about the Irishman who got a camera for his birthday? – He just got back his first roll of film, twenty-four shots of his right eye.
1220
Following a shipwreck, two men and a woman from each of the following countries were washed up on a desert island: Italy, France, Germany, Greece, England, Bulgaria, Japan, the United States, and Ireland. One month later, and a lot has happened.
One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily in a menagé-à-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other while the Greek woman cooks and cleans for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman has complained constantly about her body: the true nature of feminism: how she can do everything they can do: the necessity of fulfilment: the equal division of household chores: how sand and palm trees make her look fat: but how at least her relationship with her mother is improving.
The two Irish men have divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because things get foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey. But they’re happy because at least the English aren’t getting laid either.
1221
An Irishman was having sex with a Jewish girl.
He said: ‘You’re not very tight for a Jewish girl.’
She replied: ‘You’re not very thick for an Irishman.’
1222
Patrick went on the television quiz show, Irish Mastermind. The host asked: ‘What is the capital of Ireland?’
‘Pass,’ said Patrick.
Next the host asked: ‘What are the colours of the Irish flag?’
‘Pass,’ said Patrick.
Then the host asked: ‘What is a leprechaun?’
‘Pass,’ said Patrick.
A voice from the audience shouted out: ‘Good man, Paddy! Tell ’em nothing!’
1223
Mick and Sean found three hand grenades and decided they had better take them to the police station.
‘What if one of them explodes before we get there?’ asked Mick.
‘Don’t worry,’ said Sean. ‘We’ll just lie and tell them we only found two.’
1224
Two Englishmen were talking in a bar. One said: ‘Last night was a bit lively in here. I was telling a few Irish jokes when this big burly Irishman came over and started bad-mouthing me. He was ranting and raving about how I should be ashamed of myself for telling Irish jokes. He was having a real go at me. Then he started pushing me and said he was going to teach me a lesson I’d never forget. And then he went for me with a razor. It could have been pretty nasty, but luckily he couldn’t find a place to plug it in.’
1225
There were just three ice skaters to go in the Olympic men’s figure skating competition. First up was the Russian who gave a technically brilliant performance although his artistic interpretation left a little to be desired.
The judges’ scores read: Britain 5.7, Russia 5.9, United States 5.5, Ireland 6.0.
Next on the ice was the American who was flamboyant but made a few technical errors.
The judges’ scores read: Britain 5.7, Russia 5.6, United States 5.9, Ireland 6.0.
Last to skate was the Irish competitor. No sooner had he begun his routine than he tripped over and fell flat on his face. As he got to his feet, he fell over again. In the course of his two-minute performance, he fell over no fewer than nineteen times and stumbled off the ice covered in cuts and bruises.
The judges’ scores read: Britain 0.0, Russia 0.0, United States 0.0, Ireland 6.0.
The other three judges turned to the Irish judge and said: ‘How on earth can you give that dreadful performance top marks?’
The Irish judge replied: ‘You’ve got to remember, it’s really slippery out there.’
1226
An Irishman was travelling home late at night on the subway when he read a sign: ‘Dogs must be carried on the escalator.’
Despairingly, he thought to himself: ‘Now where on earth am I going to find a dog at this time of night?’
1227
Two Irishmen, Seamus and Patrick, were cast adrift in
a lifeboat following a shipwreck. By a stroke of luck, they found an old lamp and when they rubbed it, a genie appeared. The genie granted them one wish.
Seamus said: ‘I’d like the entire ocean to be turned into Guinness beer.’ And POOF! it was done.
Patrick looked at Seamus disgustedly. ‘Nice going, Seamus! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat!’
1228
A man walked up to a counter and asked for a plate of potatoes.
‘You must be Irish?’ said the clerk.
The man was furious. ‘That is so stereotypical,’ he stormed. ‘If I walked in here and asked for pasta, would you naturally assume I was Italian?’
‘Well, no,’ admitted the clerk.
‘And if I ordered a curry, would you automatically think I was Indian?’
‘Of course not,’ said the clerk.
‘So what right do you have to assume that I’m Irish just because I walk in here and ask for a plate of potatoes?’
The clerk replied: ‘Because this is a travel agent’s.’
1229
Did you hear about the tragedy in Ireland? – In Dublin’s biggest department store, a power outage meant that shoppers were stuck on the escalators for three hours.
1230
The boss on an Irish building site ordered one of his men to dig a hole six feet deep. After the job had been done, however, the boss explained that there had been a change of plan and that the hole wouldn’t be needed after all. So he told the workman to fill it in.
The workman filled in the hole, but couldn’t get all of the soil packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. When he told the boss of his problem, the boss snorted: ‘Honestly! Where do they find you people? Obviously you didn’t dig the hole deep enough!’
1231
How do we know Christ was Irish? – Well, he was 33, still lived at home with his mother, whom he thought was still a virgin, and she thought he was the son of God.
1232
Paddy and Mick were walking down the main street when they saw a little old lady shuffling along towards them.
‘Hey,’ said Paddy, ‘isn’t that Mother Theresa?’
‘How can it be?’ said Mick. ‘She’s dead.’
‘That’s as may be,’ said Paddy. ‘But, to be sure, she’s the spitting image of her. I’m going to ask if it is her.’ So Paddy went up to the old lady and said: ‘Excuse me, but aren’t you Mother Theresa?’
The old lady snarled: ‘Why don’t you fuck off, you big idjeet!’ She then whacked him over the head with her umbrella and kicked him hard in the balls before disappearing down an alley.
As she vanished from view, Paddy groaned: ‘Damn. Now we’ll never know!’
ITALIANS
1233
A New York City bus stopped and two Italian men got on. They sat down and engaged in animated conversation. The woman behind ignored them at first, but then listened in horror as one of the men said:
‘Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.’
The woman did not want to hear any more of this. ‘You foul-mouthed swine,’ she raged. ‘In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public.’
The man looked puzzled. ‘Hey, cool down lady. I’m just a tellin’ my friend how to spell “Mississippi.”’
1234
How can you spot an Italian airplane? – They’re the ones with hair under the wings.
1235
What did the barber say to the Italian kid? – Do you want your hair cut or should I just change the oil?
1236
Why do Italians wear gold chains around their necks? – So they know where to stop shaving.
1237
Two tourists in Rome were walking down the street when they noticed an Italian organ grinder with his monkey. As they passed, one of the men put a $20 bill in the monkey’s cup.
‘I thought you didn’t like Italians,’ said his friend.
‘I don’t really,’ said the other. ‘But they’re so cute when they’re little.’
1238
Lying on his deathbed, a Mafia godfather summoned his eldest son to his side and said: ‘Luigi, I want you to have this family heirloom.’ And with that, he produced a silver gun from a bedside drawer and handed it to the son.
‘I’m really honoured,’ said the son, ‘but you know I don’t like guns. If you want to leave me something, why don’t you leave me your gold watch?’
‘I see,’ snorted the godfather. ‘You don’t want my gun, huh? So, let me get this straight, when you find your wife in bed with some jerk, whaddya gonna do? Shoot him, or point at your watch and say, “Hey, buddy, time’s up?”’
1239
What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth? – Gladiator.
1240
Three Italian mothers were attending an American football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy seized his opportunity, grabbed the ball, outfoxed the opposing players, and sprinted to make a touchdown. His proud mother leaped in the air with joy. ‘Thatsa ma boy! I raised him onna da pet milk. Ain’t he a peach?’
Soon the second boy received the ball and, in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not to be outdone, his mother jumped from her seat, screaming with delight: ‘Thatsa ma boy! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain’t he wonderful?’
The third boy had failed to shine, but finally someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered, ran in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, retrieved it, and finally crossed the goal line at the wrong end of the field. His mother rose from her seat and shouted: ‘Thatsa ma boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain’t he the shits?’
1241
Two Italian virgins were on the first night of their honeymoon. They had no idea what they were supposed to do, so he called his mother for help.
‘Just cuddle up to each other,’ advised Mama, ‘and let nature take its course.’
They cuddled up on the bed, but nothing happened, so a few minutes later he phoned his mother again.
‘Get into bed,’ she suggested. ‘Kiss each other and see where it leads.’
So they got into bed and kissed, but still nothing happened. So he phoned his mother for a third time.
Frustrated, Mama replied: ‘Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in the hairiest thing she has.’ And Mama slammed the phone down.
Ten minutes later her son called her back and said hesitantly: ‘Right, I have my nose in her armpit. Now what do I do?’
1242
How is the Italian version of Christmas different? – One Mary, one Jesus and twenty Wise Guys.
1243
Luigi and Antonio met on the street. ‘Hey, Antonio,’ cried Luigi. ‘Where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around.’
‘Dona talk to me, Luigi,’ said Antonio, ‘I been inna jail.’
‘Jail!’ exclaimed Luigi. ‘What for you been in jail?’
‘Wella, Luigi, I was lyin’ onna dis beach, and da cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail.’
‘But dey dona throw you in jail just for lyin’ onna da beach!’
‘Yeah, but dis beach was screamin’ and akickin’ and ayellin’!’
JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES
1244
A man arrived at the gates of heaven. St Peter asked: ‘Religion?’
The man replied: ‘Methodist.’
St Peter looked down his list and said: ‘Go to room 16, but be very quiet as you pass room 9.’
Another man arrived at the gates of heaven. St Peter asked: ‘Religion?’
The man said: ‘Baptist.’
‘OK,’ said St Peter. ‘Go to room 22, but be very quiet as you pass room 9.’
A third man arrived at the gates. St Peter asked: ‘Rel
igion?’
The man answered: ‘Jewish.’
‘Fine,’ said St Peter. ‘Go to room 14, but be very quiet as you pass room 9.’
The man said: ‘I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 9?’
St Peter said: ‘The Jehovah’s Witnesses are in room 9, and they think they’re the only ones here.’
1245
What do you get when you cross a skunk with a Jehovah’s Witness? – A smell you can’t get rid of.
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 34