1310
Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy? – He did OK until his business fell off.
1311
How can you tell if a Valentine is from a leper? – The tongue is still in the envelope.
1312
Did you hear about the lepers playing cards? – One threw his hand in, the other laughed his head off.
1313
What’s the best thing about marrying a woman with leprosy? – She can only give you lip once.
1314
Why did the leper fail his driving test? – He left his foot on the clutch.
1315
After six days of crawling through the jungle, a starving man came across a small chapel. He went in, knelt at the altar and prayed: ‘Please, Lord, give me some food!’ As if by magic, a lump of meat dropped at his feet. The man gleefully devoured it. . . then looked up and saw a leper painting the ceiling.
LESBIANS
1316
Have you heard about the new lesbian tennis shoe called Dike? – It has an extra long tongue and it only takes one finger to get it off.
1317
A young woman decided to come out of the closet. Nervously, she decided to approach her mother and found her in the kitchen where she was stirring stew with a wooden spoon.
Plucking up courage, she decided to blurt it out. ‘Mom, I’m gay!’
The mother carried on stirring the stew without looking up. ‘You mean lesbian?’
‘Uh, yeah.’
Still the mother continued stirring. ‘Does that mean you lick women down below?’
‘Well, er, yes.’
The mother finally looked up from the pot and, waving the spoon at her daughter, said: ‘Then don’t you ever complain about my cooking again!’
1318
What do you call an open can of tuna fish in a lesbian’s apartment? – Air freshener.
1319
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? – Fur traders.
1320
Two lesbians were in bed. One said: ‘What do you mean, my crack tastes like shit?’
‘Sorry,’ said the other. ‘Just a slip of the tongue.’
1321
How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? – Even the pool table has no balls.
1322
What did one lesbian frog say to the other? – Well, I’ll be damned. We do taste like chicken!
1323
Why did God invent lesbians? – So feminists wouldn’t breed.
1324
A vain young guy out on the pull had just ordered a drink at a bar when two girls walked in. Fancying them both, he invited them to sit with him. He bought them drinks but when they disappeared into the toilet, the bartender warned him that they were lesbians.
The guy was so convinced that he was irresistible to all women that he continued to ply them with drinks and besiege them with corny pick-up lines. He was sure he was in with a chance.
Eventually one of the girls went off to buy a pack of cigarettes and while she was gone, the other one whispered to the guy: ‘Do you fancy my friend?’
‘Yeah,’ he said.
‘Would you like to smell her pussy?’
‘You bet!’
So she breathed on him.
1325
What’s the definition of frenzy? – Two blind lesbians walking through a fish market.
1326
What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz biscuit? – One’s a snack cracker . . .
1327
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? – Lickalotopuss.
1328
What is the leading cause of death among lesbians? – Hairballs.
1329
A famous Hollywood actress was upset to read a newspaper article that claimed she was a lesbian. When she showed the story to her teenage daughter, the girl said: ‘Oh, mother, don’t be ridiculous. Just ignore it. Now go shave and get ready for dinner.’
LIFE
1330
Brian ran into an old schoolmate twenty-five years on.
‘Mike, how are you doing?’ he asked.
‘Yeah, great,’ said Mike. ‘I’m a fireman.’
‘Really? My fifteen-year-old son wants to be a fireman,’ said Brian.
‘Well, if you want some advice, install a pole in your house that will go down to the basement so your kid can practise, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night.’
Eight years later, the two men bumped into each other again.
‘Did your son become a fireman?’ asked Mike.
‘No,’ said Brian, ‘but I have two daughters who are dancers.’
1331
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
One guy said, ‘I’m a YUPPIE – you know. Young Urban Professional.’
The second guy said, ‘I’m a DINK – you know. Double Income, No Kids.’
Then they turned to the woman and asked, ‘What are you?’
She replied, ‘I’m a WIFE – you know. Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.’
1332
Bill and John met up for the first time in twenty years. ‘So how’s life been for you?’ asked Bill cheerily.
John replied: ‘One disaster after another. My wife was killed in a freak skiing accident, then two years later my eldest boy was fatally struck by lightning. Then my house burned to the ground in a mystery fire and my youngest boy died in a plane crash. My dog was run over, my sister drowned at sea, and four months ago my doctor told me I had an incurable disease. And to cap it all, my business has just gone bust.’
‘Gee! That all sounds terrible,’ said Bill. ‘What business were you in?’
John said: ‘I sell lucky charms.’
LIMERICKS
1333
A well-endowed guy called Apollo
Remarked as he larked in the hollow,
‘Darling, my dong
‘Is twelve inches long.’
Said his girl, ‘That’s a hard one to swallow!’
1334
There once was a man from Bandoo
Who fell asleep in a canoe.
He dreamed of Venus
And played with his penis
And woke up with a hand full of goo.
1335
There once was a man from Belize
Whose pecker hung down to his knees.
The gals all adored it,
But him, he abhorred it,
Because each time it stiffened, he sneezed.
1336
There was a young actress from Crewe
Who remarked as the vicar withdrew,
The bishop was quicker
And thicker and slicker,
And two inches longer than you.’
1337
There was a young maid from Darjeeling
Who said she had no sexual feeling
‘I’lll a sailor named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped from the ceiling.
1338
There was a young lady called Dexter
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her.
For whenever they’d start,
He’d unfailingly fart
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
1339
There once was a lady from France
Who took a long train ride by chance.
The engineer fucked her
Before the conductor
While the fireman came in his pants.
1340
There was a young athlete named Grimmon
Who developed a new way of swimmin’;
By a marvellous trick
He would row with his prick,
Which attracted loud cheers from the women.
1341
There was a young lady from Hitchin
Who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen.
Her mother said, ‘Ros
e,
‘It’s the crabs, I suppose.’
She said, ‘Yes, and the buggers are itchin’.’
1342
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong;
She said with a yell,
As a shot rang her bell,
‘I’ll give you a ding for a dong!’
1343
A young prostitute’s name is Hortense.
Her usual fee is ten cents.
But she plays anyway
When the fella won’t pay
But it sure makes Hortense the whore tense.
1344
There once was a lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
While her lover lamented,
The apple fermented,
And made cider inside her inside.
1345
Now little John Jones was a dork
Who thought he’d been brought by the stork.
His Pa was no better
He bought a French letter
And tested its strength with a fork.
1346
There was an old girl from Kilkenny
Whose usual charge was a penny.
But for half of that sum
You could roger her bum
– A source of amusement for many.
1347
A fellow from Boston named Lance
Couldn’t walk well or run well or dance;
It troubled his mind
Till he happened to find
That his necktie was caught in his pants.
1348
There was a young man from Mauritius
Who said his last fuck was delicious.
‘But the next time I cum,
It’ll be up your bum,
Cos that scab on your cunt looks suspicious.’
1349
A shepherd from Montana’s soft hills
Was always looking for thrills
Till a sheep he molested
Loudly protested
And sent him the veterinary’s bills.
1350
There once was a man named Mort
Whose dick was incredibly short.
When he climbed into bed
His lady friend said
‘That’s not a dick, it’s a wart.’
1351
Said a President thought to give pecks
To areas other than necks,
‘Although it’s most sultry,
It isn’t adult’ry,
‘I’m not even sure that it’s sex.’
1352
There once was a man from Rhode Isle
Who said jogging just wasn’t his style.
‘I’ll get my workouts,’ he said,
‘At home, in my bed,
Cos a Miss is as good as a mile!’
1353
From the depths of the crypt at St Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles.
Said the vicar, ‘Good gracious,
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?’
1354
That wily old pervert St Nick
Made good use of the curve to his dick.
He glazed the whole shaft,
Painted stripes, then he laughed
As he offered young ladies a lick.
1355
There was a young fellow from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He’d fart God Save the Queen
And Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata.
1356
There once was a young man named Springer
Who got his testicles caught in the wringer.
He hollered with pain
As they rolled down the drain,
‘There goes my carrer as a singer.’
1357
I chase all girls when I’m spunky,
A five-days-a-week sexual junkie;
I tend not to stray
On Tues- or Wednesday,
On those nights I spank my own monkey.
1358
There once was a girl from Sri Lanka
Whose hole was as big as a tanker.
You could go for a swim
In the depths of her quim
And you needed a lamppost to wank her.
1359
A blushing young bride from Tonypandy
With her quim was incredibly handy;
On her wedding night
To her husband’s delight
She filled it with three pints of brandy.
1360
A Canadian lady, Anne Tunney,
Had a habit you may think quite funny.
She would roll up a buck
In her snatch ere she’d fuck
So her husband would come into money.
MARRIAGE
1361
Three women were sitting around drinking and talking about their love lives.
Carly said: ‘I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.’
Lauren giggled and confessed: ‘I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.’
All the while Maxine kept quiet until Carly asked: ‘What do you call your husband?’
Maxine frowned and said: ‘The postman – because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong box.’
1362
How do you know if your husband is dead? – The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
1363
Two married buddies were out drinking one night. One turned to the other and said: ‘It’s a real problem. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I creep up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease gently into bed with disturbing the duvet and STILL my wife wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!’
His buddy took a swig of beer and said: ‘You’re doing it all wrong! I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the stairs, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, “How about a blow job?” . . . and she’s always sound asleep.’
1364
What did the wife do when she saw her husband staggering around the back yard? – Reloaded.
1365
When each of her three daughters got married, their mother asked them to write to her with the truth about their new married lives. To avoid embarrassing their respective husbands with intimate details of their sex lives, mother and daughters agreed to use newspaper advertisements as a secret code.
The first wrote back after a week of marriage with the simple message: ‘Maxwell House Coffee.’
The mother checked the newspaper, found the Maxwell House advertisement, and was pleased to read that it said: ‘Satisfaction to the last drop.’
The second daughter sent a message after two weeks of marriage. It read: ‘Rothman’s Mattresses.’
So the mother looked at the Rothman’s Mattresses ad, and it said: ‘Full size, king size.’ Mother was happy.
Then the third daughter sent her letter after a month of marriage. It read simply: ‘British Airways.’
Mother looked for the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. For the ad read: ‘Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.’
1366
Did you know that Playboy is introducing a new magazine for men who are married? – Every month the centrefold is the same woman.
1367
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 37