1276
A Jewish lady by the name of Mrs Goldberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod – one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk consulted his book and said curtly: ‘Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.’
‘But,’ protested Mrs Goldberg, ‘your sign says that you have vacancies.’
The desk clerk remained adamant. ‘You know that we do not admit Jews. Now why don’t you try the other side of town?’
Mrs Goldberg stiffened noticeably and said: ‘I’ll have you know, I converted to your religion.’
‘Oh, yeah?’ said the desk clerk sarcastically. ‘OK, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?’
Mrs Goldberg replied: ‘He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.’
‘Very good,’ said the desk clerk. ‘Tell me more.’
‘He was born in a manger,’ added Mrs Goldberg.
‘That’s right,’ said the hotel clerk. ‘And why was he born in a manger?’
Mrs Goldberg shouted: ‘Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn’t give a Jewish lady a room for the night!’
1277
The first Jewish woman President of the United States was elected. She called her mother: ‘Mama, I’ve won the elections, you’ve got to come to the swearing-in ceremony.’
‘I don’t know,’ said the mother. ‘What would I wear?’
‘Don’t worry, I’ll send you a dressmaker.’
‘But I only eat kosher food.’
‘Mama, I am going to be the President. I can get you kosher food.’
‘But how will I get there?’
‘I’ll send a limo. Just come. Mama.’
‘OK, OK, if it makes you happy.’
The great day came and Mama was seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the future cabinet members. She nudged the gentleman on her right. ‘You see that girl,’ she said, ‘the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother’s a doctor!’
1278
Bernie and Solly were walking along the street saw a sign on a church that said: ‘Attention, Jews. $5,000 if you convert.’
Bernie said: ‘Y’know, $5,000 is a lot of money. I could certainly use it.’
Solly said: ‘How could you even think about doing such a thing! Your grandfather was a rabbi and your entire family are devoutly religious. They’d never forgive you.’
‘But they’ll never know,’ said Bernie, and with that he went into the church.
He emerged a few hours later. Solly said: ‘Well, did you get the money?’
Bernie said: ‘Huh, you Jews, always thinking about money!’
1279
What’s the difference between a Jew and a canoe? – A canoe tips.
1280
What’s the difference between a Jewish mother and a Rottweiller? – A Rottweiller eventually lets go.
1281
It was a terrible night: the wind was howling and the rain was lashing down. The city streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close when a little Jewish man carrying an umbrella blown inside out entered the shop. He was wearing two sweaters beneath a thick coat and looked wet and bedraggled.
As he loosened his scarf, he said to the baker. ‘May I have two bagels to go, please?’
The baker was surprised. ‘Just two bagels? Nothing more?’
‘That’s right,’ said the customer. ‘One for me and one for Bernice.’
‘Bernice is your wife?’ asked the baker.
‘What do you think?’ snapped the little Jewish man. ‘My mother would send me out on a night like this?’
1282
How do Jews say ‘fuck you’? – ‘Trust me.’
1283
An Arab spent days crossing the desert in desperate search of water. His camel had already died of thirst and it seemed that nothing could save the Arab from suffering the same fate. Then as he crawled on his hands and knees, he suddenly spotted a shiny object sticking out of the sand. Examining it, he found that it was a lamp. So he rubbed it and out popped a genie. But this was no ordinary genie – it was a rabbi genie.
‘Well, kid,’ said the genie. ‘You know how it works – you have three wishes.’
‘I don’t trust you,’ said the Arab. ‘I’m not going to trust a Jewish genie!’
‘What have you got to lose?’ asked the genie. ‘It looks like you’re going to die otherwise.’
The Arab thought about this for a moment and realized that the genie was right. ‘OK,’ he said, ‘I wish I was in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.’
And POOF! The Arab found himself in a beautiful oasis, surrounded by jugs of water and wine, and platters of exotic delicacies.
‘Right, kid,’ said the genie, ‘what’s your second wish?’
‘My second wish,’ said the Arab, ‘is that I can be rich beyond my wildest dreams.’
And POOF! The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with gold coins and precious gems.
‘Right, kid,’ said the genie. ‘One wish left. Make it a good one.’
After giving the matter some thought, the Arab said: ‘I wish I was white and surrounded by beautiful women.’
And POOF! The Arab was turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story is: ‘If you do business with a Jewish genie, there’s going to be a string attached.
HELEN KELLER
1284
Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants? – So you could read her lips.
1285
How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her? – They stuck doorknobs to the walls.
1286
Why were Helen Keller’s hands purple? – She heard it thru the grapevine.
1287
Why didn’t Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff? – She was wearing mittens.
1288
What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder? – Endless love.
THE KENNEDYS
1289
Why was John F. Kennedy Jr flying on the night of his fatal crash? – Teddy Kennedy offered him a lift.
1290
How many Kennedys does it take to change a light bulb? – No one knows. Kennedys don’t last as long as light bulbs.
LAS VEGAS
1291
Following an afternoon’s drinking, two soldiers on Christmas leave in Las Vegas decided to go to a show. During the interval one of them needed the toilet and asked the usherette for directions. She said: ‘Go up the stairs, through the double doors, turn left, carry on through the foyer, turn left at the end, down the stairs, and then left again.’
The soldier followed the directions with considerable difficulty but managed to relieve himself before finding his way back to his seat.
‘Hey, you missed the best bit,’ said his mate. ‘While you were gone, a soldier came on-stage and pissed into the orchestra pit!’
1292
A young couple were spending their honeymoon in Las Vegas. One evening they went to a bar and asked the bartender if there was any entertainment.
‘Oh, we’ve got entertainment, all right,’ said the bartender. ‘The Amazing Larry will be on any minute.’
A few minutes later, a seventy-year-old man shuffled on stage, set up a card table, and placed three walnuts on it. Then he took out his dick and hammered it down onto the walnuts – Whack! Whack! Whack! – cracking all three in half. The crowd cheered wildly, and the Amazing Larry folded up his card table and shuffled off stage again.
For their twentieth wedding anniversary the couple returned to the same bar and found the same bartender still serving. They told him how on their previous visit, all those years ago, they had seen this incredible guy called the Amazing Larry.
‘You’re in luck,’ said the bartender. ‘The Amazing Larry is on tonight.’
Sure enough, a few minutes later the same old man shuffled on stage, set up a card table but this time placed three coconuts on it. Then he took out his
dick and hammered it down onto the coconuts – Whack! Whack! Whack! – smashing all three coconuts in half. To rapturous applause, he folded up his table and shuffled off the stage.
The couple said to the bartender: ‘He did that twenty years ago when we were here, with walnuts. Now he does it with coconuts!’
The bartender replied apologetically: ‘Well, yes, twenty years ago he did use walnuts. But you have to remember, the Amazing Larry’s eyes are not what they used to be.’
LAWYERS
1293
Two doctors boarded a flight out of Chicago. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a lawyer got on and took the aisle seat next to the two doctors. Ten minutes into the flight, the lawyer kicked off his shoes and was just starting to relax when the physician in the window seat said: ‘I think I’ll get up and get a Coke.’
‘It’s OK,’ said the lawyer. ‘To save you getting up, I’ll fetch it for you.’
While he was gone, one of the doctors sneakily picked up the lawyer’s shoe and put a thumbtack in it. When the lawyer returned with the drink, the other doctor said: ‘That looks good. I think I’ll have a Coke too.’
Once again the lawyer obligingly went to get the drink and in his absence, the other doctor gleefully picked up the lawyer’s other shoe and put a tack in it. The lawyer returned and all three sat back to enjoy the rest of the flight.
As the plane was landing, the lawyer slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
‘How long must this go on?’ he asked despairingly. ‘This fighting between our professions? This bickering? This animosity? This putting tacks in shoes and peeing in Cokes?’
1294
An eccentric woman in her late seventies informed her lawyer that she wanted to make a will. I have $50,000 savings in the bank,’ she said. ‘And I want $45,000 of that to provide for my funeral.’
‘You should certainly get a fine funeral for that kind of money,’ said the lawyer. ‘And what do you want to do with the remaining $5,000?’
‘Well,’ she answered. ‘As you know I’m a spinster. In fact, I have never had sex with a man in my life. So I want you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.’
The lawyer promised to do what he could.
That night he told his wife about the old woman’s unusual request, pointing out that they could do with that kind of money. Taking the hint, the wife agreed to let him provide the service himself. ‘I’ll drive you over tomorrow morning,’ she offered, ‘and wait in the car till you’re finished.’
The next morning the wife drove her lawyer husband to the old woman’s house and waited patiently outside. After an hour and still no sign of him coming out, she honked the car horn. Moments later, her husband leaned out of the bedroom window and yelled: ‘Pick me up tomorrow! She’s going to let the county bury her!’
1295
In a long queue at the bank, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Shocked, the man in front turned around and snarled: ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’
‘I’m sorry,’ said the man behind, ‘but I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I simply can’t help practising my art.’
‘That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,’ said the other man. ‘I’m a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?’
1296
What do you call ten lawyers buried up to their necks in the sand? – Football practice.
1297
A lawyer’s wife died. At her funeral, mourners were horrified to see that the headstone read: ‘Here lies Monica, wife of Martin, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice, Personal Injury. Reasonable Rates.’
Suddenly Martin burst into tears. His brother-in-law said: ‘So you should cry, pulling a stunt like this!’
Martin sobbed: ‘You don’t understand. They left off the phone number!’
1298
Lawyer’s creed: a man is innocent until proven broke.
1299
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? – Your Honour.
1300
A Los Angeles lawyer died, and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St Peter said: ‘What have you done to merit entrance into heaven?’
The lawyer gave the matter some thought before replying: ‘A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.’
St Peter asked the Angel Gabriel to check it.
‘It’s true,’ said Gabriel. ‘He did.’
‘That’s all very well,’ said St Peter, ‘but it’s hardly enough to get you into heaven.’
‘Wait!’ said the lawyer. ‘There’s more. Three years ago, I gave a charity collector a quarter.’
Gabriel checked the claim and found it to be true.
St Peter whispered to Gabriel: ‘What do you think we should do with him?’
Gabriel replied: ‘Let’s give him back his fifty cents and tell him to go to hell.’
1301
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? – Shoot him before he hits the water.
1302
A lawyer’s son graduated from university and went to join his father’s firm. Eager to prove his worth to his father, he announced triumphantly at the end of his first day: ‘In one day, I have cracked the Taylor case that you’ve been working on for the past ten years.’
‘You idiot!’ raged the father. ‘We’ve lived on the funding of that case for ten years.’
1303
Inspecting the farm he had bought as a weekend retreat, a city lawyer looked down at the ground to see that his feet were in the middle of a huge cowpat.
‘Help! Help!’ he yelled to his wife.
‘What is it?’ she said, running to his rescue.
He pointed to his feet and screamed: ‘I’m melting! I’m melting!’
1304
As a lawyer slowly came round from the anaesthetic following surgery, he said: ‘Doctor, why are all the blinds drawn?’
The doctor explained: ‘There’s a big fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think the operation had failed.’
1305
Why are there only ever two pallbearers at a lawyer’s funeral? – Because a garbage can only has two handles.
1306
A lawyer died and was standing in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter said: ‘You’re a lawyer, you can’t come in here – you have to go to the other place.’
But, using all his courtroom expertise, the lawyer patiently pleaded his case until St Peter reconsidered. ‘OK, here’s what I’ll do,’ said St Peter. ‘You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on Earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here.’
The lawyer thought that was a reasonable deal.
‘Fine,’ said St Peter, ‘so we’ll see you in 407 years.’
‘407 years? What are you talking about?’ said the lawyer. ‘I’m only 66.’
St Peter said: ‘We go by billing hours.’
1307
What are lawyers good for? – They make used car salesmen look honourable.
1308
A man went for a job with a major company. ‘I’m looking for a job as a consultant,’ he said.
The employer said: ‘No, sorry. We already have enough consultants.’
‘OK, well, with my experience, I could be an adviser.’
‘No, we’ve got more than we can use already.’
The applicant was becoming increasingly desperate. ‘Look, I’m not proud. I can do paperwork – I’ll be a clerk. If you have too many, I’ll start as a janitor.’
‘I’m sorry,’ said the employer, ‘but we just don’t seem to have any openings for someone with your qualifications.’
At this, the applicant stood up, smashed his fist on the desk and stormed: ‘Work for you, I’d have to be a low-life, belly-crawling, double-dealing jerk!’
‘Oh,’ said t
he employer, ‘you didn’t say you were a lawyer. Sit down. We may have an opening after all.’
LEPERS
1309
A leper walked into a bar and sat down, whereupon the bartender threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said: ‘Hey, I know I’m not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings.’
Wiping the vomit from his mouth with his sleeve, the bartender replied: ‘I’m sorry, man, but it wasn’t you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck.’
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 36